[rainbow8]

I'm going to try again. Tuesdays and either Sat. night or Sunday. I'm also going to try not to google my T or go on her FB page. She says I'm addicted to the computer, especially these sites, and to her, and in order to get better, I need to do more with real people in my life. Her saying that wasn't a surprise, of course.

So, you guys were right. She says I can stop my behavior at the same time as working through it. She also said that she can't make me change; only I can do it. Many people are addicted to the computer; she says it's like being an alcoholic or shopaholic.

She said she felt "spied upon" when I told her I went by her house, and the problem is that I do things without permission. She says she keeps her private life separate from her work life. When she said that, I kind of checked out because I was triggered, so she had us both touch our arms, legs, and move our wrists around to get back to the present. She knows that I don't understand about boundaries. It's not about me, I think she said. It's HER boundary, and about HER. I said I didn't want her to have that boundary. Nothing came of that remark. She asked if would follow her out-of-state if she moves. I said "no".

She agrees that I get something from getting all the replies on here, the same as I get something from googling or going on FB. It feels good, at first, like when I connect with her, but then it makes me more distant from her, NOT connected. It backfires. I need to have more or better connections with real people. I tried to tell her that I also email friends whom I see in RL too, but she still thinks I need to get off the computer.

We didn't talk about my brother yet. We talked about termination. She asked how I wanted it to be, and said she'd think more about the financial end of it because I said that there's not enough time to end gradually, and I don't want to "waste" the sessions that insurance is covering. I mean I don't want to skip them. She mentioned that I could see someone at the center where I take DBT. I nearly exploded because I thought she knew that I was not going to see a 6th T! It makes me feel really bad for her to say that.

I said I feel like I failed therapy. She said she sees a lot of difference, and asked if I'm happier. I said sometimes I am, but not now, and not if I can't solve this attachment stuff.

She thinks my Self can help the baby part get its needs met--or something like that. I always forget the important stuff. I wasn't particularly attuned to her today. I told her I didn't feel connected, and didn't feel like she cared about me. I felt like I was just her job. It was hot in the office--77 degrees, she read, and my face was so hot!! Part was my emotions, part was the heat which she can't regulate.

I guess I could post in the addictions forum about computer addictions, but I will try to stay off PC after tonight.

I feel depressed because she's taking all my "goodies" away from me. I have to find others. I feel like swearing. I feel like I'm just her job and that hurts a lot.

[Gavinandnikki]

Sounds very painful!

But. I think she is right. Stay off the computer for at least 24 hours- no peeking. Can't even check to see how many people reply to this thread.

Just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to act on it. It's your habit to act on it but it can be your choice to listen to your T and stay off.

And they're not your "goodies".... They're bad for you and you know it.

[Syra]

I am in awe of your ability to articulate and share your journey as it is happening, as you struggle with conflicting feelings in the present. I would be too afraid to do that. I'm usually reluctant to take advice (which is different than listening to observations and brainstorming strategies), and my T doesn't give advice. But I wonder if it's not so much that your T said that, as that what your T said resonated with you, and something you want to try. Is it like that?

[archipelago]

If you have a sense that this is an addiction and that it seems confirmed by your therapist then staying away seems best. Posting about it just seems then to feed the addiction because you'll wonder about the responses. If this is a genuine issue then I wouldn't post about it, but just try to refrain from acting on the impulse to post. I've left many a site before when I got too involved. It is a matter of balance and if you are not finding that then the best thing to do is change it and see how you respond to the change and see how long it takes for you to not need it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Sounds very painful!

But. I think she is right. Stay off the computer for at least 24 hours- no peeking. Can't even check to see how many people reply to this thread.

Just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to act on it. It's your habit to act on it but it can be your choice to listen to your T and stay off.

And they're not your "goodies".... They're bad for you and you know it.

I agree but it's hard because I like this forum. I start to think "what's so bad about it"? just like the "driving past T's house". It's hard to give up what feels good. It makes me cry to have to give it up.

Originally Posted by Syra

I am in awe of your ability to articulate and share your journey as it is happening, as you struggle with conflicting feelings in the present. I would be too afraid to do that. I'm usually reluctant to take advice (which is different than listening to observations and brainstorming strategies), and my T doesn't give advice. But I wonder if it's not so much that your T said that, as that what your T said resonated with you, and something you want to try. Is it like that?

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to be utterly miserable when I have to quit therapy. Yes, in my heart, and in the adult parts, I know my T is right. I know it was wrong to go past her house. It just makes me cry because, like she says, it feels good temporarily but not in the long run.

Originally Posted by archipelago

If you have a sense that this is an addiction and that it seems confirmed by your therapist then staying away seems best. Posting about it just seems then to feed the addiction because you'll wonder about the responses. If this is a genuine issue then I wouldn't post about it, but just try to refrain from acting on the impulse to post. I've left many a site before when I got too involved. It is a matter of balance and if you are not finding that then the best thing to do is change it and see how you respond to the change and see how long it takes for you to not need it.

I know. I thought some people would want to know how my session went today. T told me to cut down on coming here; she knows how hard it is to stop cold turkey. I've been posting a long time. I have friends here. It's hard to just stop without replacing it with something else. She's also right that I like the attention. I won't be on tomorrow; I'll sit with the feelings. I keep crying, but of course, not in my session when I wished I could cry. I think I was angry with my T, too. She asked me if I was.

[archipelago]

Then perhaps try to not post your own thread where you are the focus of attention and instead comment on others. Then you can interact and see people here that you know, but not be feeding the addiction in the same way. And you can also just read without posting. PM people you want to be in touch with. there are lots of ways to use this site without it being a problem.

It seems like using the forum may be something of a coping mechanism for you at times when you can't reach out to people in RL- I know it can be for me - so my concern is if you don't have something healthy to do instead. I don't know how you sitting on your own crying and isolated is preferable to your interacting here. That said, I don't know how healthy threads like your last one are for you. I don't know what the answer is, rainbow, but I care about you and want you to feel better than I understand you're feeling right now

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by archipelago

Then perhaps try to not post your own thread where you are the focus of attention and instead comment on others. Then you can interact and see people here that you know, but not be feeding the addiction in the same way. And you can also just read without posting. PM people you want to be in touch with. there are lots of ways to use this site without it being a problem.

That's also a very good idea. T and I realize I crave the attention but I need to get that from people I interact with in RL. I tried not starting threads for a while. I just have to get it through my head that what feels good at the time is NOT good for me in the long run. That's my problem. I like being the focus of attention because I don't get that much in RL. It's a dilemma. I did feel less triggered/stirred up when I didn't start threads. It's hard when there's a push and a pull at the same time. I'll try to follow through on your good suggestions, though.

[sweepy62]

Hang in there rainbow. I was surprised she asked you if she moved out of state, would you follow her, or something like that.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

It seems like using the forum may be something of a coping mechanism for you at times when you can't reach out to people in RL- I know it can be for me - so my concern is if you don't have something healthy to do instead. I don't know how you sitting on your own crying and isolated is preferable to your interacting here. That said, I don't know how healthy threads like your last one are for you. I don't know what the answer is, rainbow, but I care about you and want you to feel better than I understand you're feeling right now

Yeah, I'm exhausted now and I'm unwinding with this thread. It is also a way of connecting with therapy and my T without bothering her, if that makes any sense.

I think others were more bothered by my thread than I was. Once I saw that nearly everyone thought it/I was wrong, I tried to learn from what they said. It turned out that my T agrees with a lot of what was posted to me, too.

Soon I have to return a phone call so I'll get off, and check back a few times before the night is over. I feel like crying more because of things my T said to me that made me think I'm her job, which I know I am.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Hang in there rainbow. I was surprised she asked you if she moved out of state, would you follow her, or something like that.

She knows I know that's she's from another state, and that I am afraid she's going to move back because she's not with her H anymore. So the question didn't come out of nowhere. Thanks for caring.

[feralkittymom]

You might want to think about putting measures in place that keep you connected in session. I noticed that at pretty much all the crucial moments that tell you something you don't want to hear, you said you check out, get triggered, forget. I would suspect that's why you felt disconnected from your T, not because of anything she felt about you.

I'm also confused about being adamant about never seeing another T. I understand the dread of starting over, for sure, but if you really want to heal, rather than simply stay connected to this T, then why cut off the possibility of another therapy? I'm not saying it would necessarily be a good choice, but your T suggested it as an option for a reason.

[iGottaBme]

[quote=feralkittymom;3437165]. I noticed that at pretty much all the crucial moments that tell you something you don't want to hear, you said you check out, get triggered, forget. I would suspect that's why you felt disconnected from your T, not because of anything she felt about you.
/quote]

I am hesitant to post and feed the addiction. I am not even going to read this thread after I reply because I don't believe that is helpful to you either.

Yes. That is my opinion too. Instead of seeing it as triggering and then tuning out, it might be helpful to see it as putting your hands over your ears and being disrespectful and dismissing. That may not be your intent but the result is the same. Hopefully, you will not give in to the temptation to feel bad and instead will just move to correcting the problem so you can feel better about yourself.

My T uses parts therapy with me and I dissociate and forget too so I understand.

[Karrebear]

Either Im not understanding things correctly or Im playing devil's advocate but how are posting on this site and driving by her house even remotely related? Driving by her house, yes, is a no no but this is a community forum where you get support. Getting support is not a bad thing. And you comment plenty on others posts. You give to this site, too.

[learning1]

Karebear, I think it's from coming on the site too much and spending too much time on here. That could be good for some people in some situations, but not everyone.

Rainbow, I had an idea... do you want to have a friendly competition to see if we both manage to stay off here until the weekend? I don't know if you've already signed off for tonight, but I'll probably be on and off for another hour or two to see if you reply to that. Either way, I think I'll see if I can keep up with you and stay off til the weekend

Have you got ideas for other fun things you like to do for when you want to come on here?

[elaygee]

I have to think its frustrating that as much as youre attached to T when the cycle is to run here after every session and process as a means of getting more opinions it may feel unhelpful. She gives professional advice, then you let a board of people into your therapy relationship. Its unhealthy I think for that reason and because coming and posting here or on FB is all about attention and wanting other people to be the key to your contentment. I have to think thats frustrating for you too!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

You might want to think about putting measures in place that keep you connected in session. I noticed that at pretty much all the crucial moments that tell you something you don't want to hear, you said you check out, get triggered, forget. I would suspect that's why you felt disconnected from your T, not because of anything she felt about you.

I'm also confused about being adamant about never seeing another T. I understand the dread of starting over, for sure, but if you really want to heal, rather than simply stay connected to this T, then why cut off the possibility of another therapy? I'm not saying it would necessarily be a good choice, but your T suggested it as an option for a reason.

I had trouble focusing today because right away she told me how she felt it was like spying and she keeps her work separate from her private life. A statement like that triggers me very badly even thougn I know it's reality. I think I disconnected right then, but I didn't tell her. I should have. It should have sunk in by now that I'm her job, and her work, and she has a private life. Maybe I did tell her that, and she said "but I'm here with you NOW". By then I was so flushed and hot (both from my feelings and the temperature in her office) that I felt sick. But you're right; she wasn't feeling any diffferent towards me.

I adamantly refuse to see another T!! This is my 5th one, and that's it. I'd go to another group, but I am not going to suffer this transference again. I've had all different types of therapy, and I can't stand it anymore. I crave it too much; it's another addiction. I crave the good feelings I get, so I have to stop, just like with PC and FB and googling. If I need help in the future, I'll see my T less often, or I'll struggle by myself.

[QUOTE=iGottaBme;3437223]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

. I noticed that at pretty much all the crucial moments that tell you something you don't want to hear, you said you check out, get triggered, forget. I would suspect that's why you felt disconnected from your T, not because of anything she felt about you.
/quote]

I am hesitant to post and feed the addiction. I am not even going to read this thread after I reply because I don't believe that is helpful to you either.

Yes. That is my opinion too. Instead of seeing it as triggering and then tuning out, it might be helpful to see it as putting your hands over your ears and being disrespectful and dismissing. That may not be your intent but the result is the same. Hopefully, you will not give in to the temptation to feel bad and instead will just move to correcting the problem so you can feel better about yourself.

My T uses parts therapy with me and I dissociate and forget too so I understand.

Thank you. I just had a hard time today. I wish I had been more "there."

Originally Posted by Karrebear

Either Im not understanding things correctly or Im playing devil's advocate but how are posting on this site and driving by her house even remotely related? Driving by her house, yes, is a no no but this is a community forum where you get support. Getting support is not a bad thing. And you comment plenty on others posts. You give to this site, too.

My T and I think they are both addictive ways to make myself feel better, but they often make me feel worse. Driving by her house isn't directly related to posting on PC. Internet addiction is a separate problem, but both keep me away from focusing on my real relationships. I like to help people on PC; that's why I want to cut down, not cut out PC.

Originally Posted by learning1

Karebear, I think it's from coming on the site too much and spending too much time on here. That could be good for some people in some situations, but not everyone.

Rainbow, I had an idea... do you want to have a friendly competition to see if we both manage to stay off here until the weekend? I don't know if you've already signed off for tonight, but I'll probably be on and off for another hour or two to see if you reply to that. Either way, I think I'll see if I can keep up with you and stay off til the weekend

Have you got ideas for other fun things you like to do for when you want to come on here?

I'm still here but won't come on again until the week-end either. Yes! We can both do it. It's a deal! Thanks.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by elaygee

I have to think its frustrating that as much as youre attached to T when the cycle is to run here after every session and process as a means of getting more opinions it may feel unhelpful. She gives professional advice, then you let a board of people into your therapy relationship. Its unhealthy I think for that reason and because coming and posting here or on FB is all about attention and wanting other people to be the key to your contentment. I have to think thats frustrating for you too!

Yes, I agree. I come here to process, sometimes just to write it all out and try to figure it out. I'm not so much looking for opinions now. It's more for connection than advice. I will connect with real people tomorrow. I would have emailed my T so coming her has calmed me down and gotten me to distract from the depression I felt when I came home from my session today.

[growlycat]

I too appreciate that you are open with all of us about your journey. I'm not sure how well I would have handled an onslaught of answers…and advice

[RTerroni]

Different people say different things, my last Therapist didn't like that I posted on here, but my Primary Care Doctor though it was great that I posted on here.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, I agree. I come here to process, sometimes just to write it all out and try to figure it out. I'm not so much looking for opinions now. It's more for connection than advice. I will connect with real people tomorrow. I would have emailed my T so coming her has calmed me down and gotten me to distract from the depression I felt when I came home from my session today.

Do you write a blog? That might be a healthier option for you - you could write it all out and yet you wouldn't be attempting to garner the amount of attention that you crave on here. Blogs get a lot less attention. In that way - you'd have your outlet for your own thought-processes, and you could leave those out of your time on PC. Then your time on PC can be more about connecting with people about their problems and helping them.

[Brightheart]

I blog daily, Rainbow, and I find it very helpful.

Do you remember the link I sent you about attachment? I really wonder if that's where some of your struggle is. I have some of the same feelings of need for connection, difficulty with separations, a want for intensity. Expressing myself a lot and practicing self-connection and self-comfort helps me. Things can get better.

[Fuzzybear]