[growlithing]

So I've been seeing my T in a partial hospitalization/residential treatment setting for nearly 2 months. Recently, I've been getting really clingy and she has decided to restrict the amount of time we spend together. I wasn't supposed to talk to her today because we were supposed to talk on Thursday instead.

When I saw her walking in this morning, I greeted her and told her a joke I knew she would appreciate while she was making her morning tea. She did. I then said "I'm not doing a good job leaving you alone so far am I?" She laughed and said as she was walking to her office "no but I love you anyway". I was stunned she said she loves me so I said "what did you say?" to see if she would repeat it. She did. I asked "do you really mean that?" from outside her office. She didn't answer. Part of me thinks she does mean it because I don't think she would have said it if she didn't and if she had just slipped up because it was early and used a common phrase that doesn't mean much, she would have caught the mistake when I asked her to repeat herself. But then I question it

Later, I got really upset during one of the groups because another girl in the group was clearly hitting on this guy I really like. I got jealous and wanted to complain about this girl with my T just for a few seconds. But I knew I couldn't. Then, I saw her taking another client on a walk and giving her attention and I got even more jealous. I felt like I needed to talk to someone, so I talked with her intern. I thought I need to talk to someone, I can't talk to my T, but she never said I can't talk to her intern. So I did. It was good. We talked about a lot of really important and really difficult stuff for like 45 mins. But then my T found us and she was angry. She said she felt upset with her intern and me and spoke quite sternly. I was so upset. I ran and hid in the bathroom.

My T came to look for me and found me in the bathroom. I asked her if she was mad at me. She said yes because I was supposed to regulate my emotions on my own today. Talking to her intern was me bending the agreement we made and because of that, she won't be speaking with me tomorrow because she needs to see me handle myself a little bit before she can feel confident about me transitioning back to school. She was fairly stern with me until I started hysterically crying. She then checked herself and said it was a miscommunication on her part to both me and her intern and that I've been doing a really good job. She rubbed my back, told me she isn't going to hurt me and that this exchange doesn't change how she feels for me.

So I'm spiraling in my head. She tells me she loves me but was it just a phrase? She then gets angry and I feel so guilty I don't want to ever leave my room again.

[A Red Panda]

Definitely a whirlwind day for you growl.

I agree with your T though - you do need to start self-soothing and learn some self-management skills.

Your T was right to not respond when you were trying to get her to tell you that she loves you like a daughter - which was basically what you were hoping for, right?

I've said the same phrase to students and random people I've just met. It's used differently by everyone. I use it in a "I care" sort of way. Like "Alright, so that was silly/stupid/daft/weird, but my opinion of you isn't any less for it!" When it's said in response to something funny (she was clearly in an amused frame of mind from your joke) then saying that is pretty much never a "I love you truly and deeply" thing. It wouldn't fit in the conversation.

Which is probably why your T didn't respond. You changed the conversation from light and friendly to dead serious in two seconds.

I know how hard it is for you, but your T can't and will never be your parent. She will be in your life for a length of time and in a limited capacity and then she will no longer be in your life.

You need to focus on yourself and not on your fantasies about your T growli! You aren't helping yourself by making that your entire focus (at least, it's all you've shared with us that I've seen).

What have you been doing that is showing how you are taking care of yourself? I know you're taking a more active role in the group talks, but what else?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Definitely a whirlwind day for you growl.

I agree with your T though - you do need to start self-soothing and learn some self-management skills.

Your T was right to not respond when you were trying to get her to tell you that she loves you like a daughter - which was basically what you were hoping for, right?

I've said the same phrase to students and random people I've just met. It's used differently by everyone. I use it in a "I care" sort of way. Like "Alright, so that was silly/stupid/daft/weird, but my opinion of you isn't any less for it!" When it's said in response to something funny (she was clearly in an amused frame of mind from your joke) then saying that is pretty much never a "I love you truly and deeply" thing. It wouldn't fit in the conversation.

Which is probably why your T didn't respond. You changed the conversation from light and friendly to dead serious in two seconds.

I know how hard it is for you, but your T can't and will never be your parent. She will be in your life for a length of time and in a limited capacity and then she will no longer be in your life.

You need to focus on yourself and not on your fantasies about your T growli! You aren't helping yourself by making that your entire focus (at least, it's all you've shared with us that I've seen).

What have you been doing that is showing how you are taking care of yourself? I know you're taking a more active role in the group talks, but what else?

But why would she just use those words to someone she knows would have a problem hearing it? I hate people who just toss that word around even in a playful sense. It hurts to
hear it and then find out it wasn't serious.

She said she isn't leaving me after I discharge. She wants to see me outpatient. She said she's not leaving and I can't handle her leaving.

I don't know how to focus on me. That sounds weird. I've sat around and tried to reflect on myself. I haven't hurt myself in nearly two months. But I am really boring to focus on.

To be honest, I'm not sure if all of this isn't just overkill as I desperately avoid trying to process some weird memories that are resurfacing that might be CSA. I don't want these memories to come back, I don't know how to handle them, I don't know if they are real or not. I just aggressively want to not think about it. I've been hiding in my room, sleeping. Is that taking care of myself?

[jacq10]

That sounds like a rough day

.... I don't mean to speak ill about your T, but seems awfully insensitive of her to "throw around" the word love, when she should know how significant that would be to you. That, and then her going back on her word and taking the blame for the no-talking situation (which not to say is YOUR fault), just makes things confusing for you. If she's going to decide on a course of action, then she needs to stick to it; otherwise, she isn't doing either of you any favours.

I'm sure you're not boring to focus on. Everyone has something to offer, and everyone's story is unique. I hope that you and your T can have a good discussion about things, and figure out a way to best help you out.

Hugs,
Jacq

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by growlithing

But why would she just use those words to someone she knows would have a problem hearing it? I hate people who just toss that word around even in a playful sense. It hurts to
hear it and then find out it wasn't serious.

She said she isn't leaving me after I discharge. She wants to see me outpatient. She said she's not leaving and I can't handle her leaving.

I don't know how to focus on me. That sounds weird. I've sat around and tried to reflect on myself. I haven't hurt myself in nearly two months. But I am really boring to focus on.

To be honest, I'm not sure if all of this isn't just overkill as I desperately avoid trying to process some weird memories that are resurfacing that might be CSA. I don't want these memories to come back, I don't know how to handle them, I don't know if they are real or not. I just aggressively want to not think about it. I've been hiding in my room, sleeping. Is that taking care of myself?

Oh, don't get me wrong - I think it was very careless of her to have said it at all. I think you are probably right that it was early and she slipped up - especially as you caught her at a time when she was making coffee and probably wasn't fully in "working" mode. She would probably use phrases like that with her coworkers.

And I know she's seeing you once you're discharged - but someday down the road you'll leave therapy! (Sooner rather than later I hope!). Once you finish with therapy, for whatever reason... she won't be in your life anymore. She won't be with you until the day that you're getting old and wrinkley. Someday she'll retire. Things like that are what I'm talking about - I'm not talking about the moment you live the residential setting!

And no, hiding in your room and sleeping too much is most definitely not taking care of yourself. Just like refusing to ask for a change of clothes or to at least get your clothes washed, was not taking care of yourself.

I get how uncomfortable it is to really focus on yourself - I'm having one hell of a time with it myself, haha. I'm glad to hear that you haven't self-harmed in quite a while - that's excellent progress! What have you been learning to do to help make sure that you don't relapse once you're back at school and not in a monitored sort of setting?

[growlycat]

Actually, I am surprised she was angry. Reaching out to an alternate support person is normal and healthy. Maybe t realizes that now, or is realizing she wasn't clear about what she wanted you to do.

[Favorite Jeans]

Can't she love you and be angry with you at the same time?

I don't think it was fair for her to get angry in this situation when it sounds like she was the one who had done a poor job communicating. But even if she'd had good reason to mad, it wouldn't take her away her ability to love you, respect you or see the good in you.

[feralkittymom]

Days like this are certainly a learning opportunity--but they also suck!

Yeah, it sounds like she misspoke. But the opportunity for you is to experience cutting people some slack. Others don't share our state of mind every second of the day, even Ts in session. Our feeling states don't dictate what others do and say. She owns her language, and you own your feelings about it. Sometimes, when both people are invested in a relationship, it makes a kind of negotiation possible--and I think that's what happened here eventually.

Your reactivity to others puts a lot of stress on your capacity to self-soothe and take care of yourself in a healthy way. That's what emotional regulation is all about, and why she wants you to practice while you're in a protected setting with support. Have you had any experience with mindfulness? Sleeping excessively is avoidance, more than self-care. Mindfulness techniques may be part of your DBT. These techniques take a lot of repetitious practice before they become natural feeling. And practicing them under a certain amount of stress is important. Your T isn't setting limits to punish you, nor because her regard for you has changed. She's doing a good thing by you to help develop your ability to keep yourself safe. The difficult feelings that come up are part of the process.

[growlycat]

Also, it is good to practice mindfulness when you are feeling good or neutral, not just when you are upset. Learning that has worked well for me anyways

[Bill3]

No SI for two months: Good job!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Actually, I am surprised she was angry. Reaching out to an alternate support person is normal and healthy. Maybe t realizes that now, or is realizing she wasn't clear about what she wanted you to do.

Well, she was angry with her intern because instead of doing the work she had asked her to do, she was taking to the client that was supposed to be on her own today. I think she realizes that she was a little bit too snappy with me because she backed off, say next to me, and comforted me when I started crying.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Days like this are certainly a learning opportunity--but they also suck!

Yeah, it sounds like she misspoke. But the opportunity for you is to experience cutting people some slack. Others don't share our state of mind every second of the day, even Ts in session. Our feeling states don't dictate what others do and say. She owns her language, and you own your feelings about it. Sometimes, when both people are invested in a relationship, it makes a kind of negotiation possible--and I think that's what happened here eventually.

Your reactivity to others puts a lot of stress on your capacity to self-soothe and take care of yourself in a healthy way. That's what emotional regulation is all about, and why she wants you to practice while you're in a protected setting with support. Have you had any experience with mindfulness? Sleeping excessively is avoidance, more than self-care. Mindfulness techniques may be part of your DBT. These techniques take a lot of repetitious practice before they become natural feeling. And practicing them under a certain amount of stress is important. Your T isn't setting limits to punish you, nor because her regard for you has changed. She's doing a good thing by you to help develop your ability to keep yourself safe. The difficult feelings that come up are part of the process.

I am cutting her some slack. She made a mistake in her presentation. None of these instances even happened in a therapeutic setting. One happened while she was getting her morning tea and the other happened when she was going to check on her intern and was surprised to see me there and not in the group. She reacted too hard and recognized that she did trigger me at least a little because she told me that she isn't going to hurt me and she still feels the same way about me. Plus, not even an hour after she was mad, I found her lying on the couch in her office, doubled over because at some point she had accidentally eaten soy and she's SUPER allergic. She could have been feeling sick when she snapped at me and not totally in the right moment to handle the situation in a better way. I grabbed her some water and made sure she was close to a phone when I found her like that. I hate it when she is in pain like that. She normally is absolutely incredible about hiding that from us, but I went to her office to tell her that I called the DBT groups she wanted me to call and found her. So I know I need to cut her a break. She's human.

I'm scared to go back today. I'm scared something will be different between us. I'm scared of the jealousy I'll experience as she gives other clients attention but not me because today is my day to self soothe on my own. It's not even that I can't do it. It's that I love my T so much it's hard for me to stay away and I get so jealous. Not to mention her other client is hitting on the guy I like and that makes me angry even though it shouldn't because he's not my boyfriend and he doesn't like her. At all. But I have to get my butt out of bed and on the T now. If I don't go, that would a) make the staff worried and b) would not look like evidence of me handling my own emotions.

Yes, we do mindfulness. It's super hard for me though, especially with ADHD. I can really only practice it with art or music, but I am trying. I did some last night and it really helped.

Wish me luck today...

[sweepy62]

good luck to you, you can do this, I know its difficult, but its only for one day, and you and your t will be very proud. Looking foward to hearing you have accomplished your goal, either way , I will be happy to hear from you regardless.

[Bill3]

Good luck!

[Yogix]

Keep us updated!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Yogix

Keep us updated!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well, I made it to lunch. My T apparently isn't coming in the morning today. I hope she is okay considering that when I left, she was having an awful allergic reaction. The other staff said she'll be here in the afternoon. I'm mixed about this. I'm worried that me not asking for help in the morning won't count towards showing her that I can manage my own emotions if she isn't here to see it. I'm nervous for her to come. I'm scared something will be different. I'm scared to feel the feelings of wanting to talk to her but I can't increasing when I see her.

I've been having a rough day just in general too. I really feel like I need to talk to someone but I can't but there are so many feelings swarming around and disturbing memories and ugh. I find myself constantly getting foggy and nearly falling asleep despite not being tired. It's like my system gets overrun and shuts down.

[Yogix]

Can you write or type all your feelings out? Seems like you could really use that as a way to have everything out on paper.

Or even just saying them aloud to yourself might help you to manage at least getting a grasp on everything. That's what I usually do!



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bill3]

I really feel like I need to talk to someone but I can't but there are so many feelings swarming around and disturbing memories and ugh.

Hang in there! This seems to be T's plan: to work on dealing with the emotions on your own for a day.

[growlithing]

Rough day. It was hard seeing T give other people attention and not me. But it wasn't like she gave me no attention. She gave me a set of things I need to get done today and reassured me that she isn't upset with me. I just really missed spending time with her. It felt like she was annoyed with me/done with me but I know it is just my emotions interfering with my perception of the situation.

I'm going to be allowed to talk to her tomorrow. So that is good. I got through the day long emotional weaning.

[Bill3]

Good job! This was a significant step.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Good job! This was a significant step.

I just hope I am right and I'm not actually annoying her and it is all in my mind. She pinky promised that it is all in my mind. Things should be normal tomorrow I hope. It's just working with these damn memories/thoughts. I saw my other T today and she wants to start trying some sort of trauma treatment for handling all of this. I just hope this isn't too much for me to not be able to go back to school.

[anilam]

This must be really confusing (and hard) seeing her all day, not interacting...
I do think it's going to get easier (and the attachment will lessen) once you'll get out of there, into school and see her once/twice a week.
In the hospital I was in we had staff we could talk too and then we had Ts we saw once a day for individual therapy (no they didn't "live" there with us- building next door) and different Ts for group therapy.
This would be too messy for me. Kudos for how you deal

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by anilam

This must be really confusing (and hard) seeing her all day, not interacting...
I do think it's going to get easier (and the attachment will lessen) once you'll get out of there, into school and see her once/twice a week.
In the hospital I was in we had staff we could talk too and then we had Ts we saw once a day for individual therapy (no they didn't "live" there with us- building next door) and different Ts for group therapy.
This would be too messy for me. Kudos for how you deal

What if I don't want the attachment to lessen? I like how things are. I want her to be there all the time. And it isn't all the time. It's like 9 to 5 and now more like 9 to 3. The thing is the program hired therapists to act as "case managers" and group leaders so we aren't technically supposed to be getting one on one therapy and are only supposed to be experiencing them in a group setting. But when you hire therapists to work with patients... that dynamic happens naturally.

I mean, I know the thing is that she can't be there all the time. That's just really hard for me to accept.

I get to talk to her today so hopefully everything is normal again and we can talk about the short break.

[A Red Panda]

I'm glad to see that you recognize that she can't be there all the time.

The attachment has to lessen. You cannot cling to it growli, it isn't healthy for you. You're in this setting to learn how to NOT be attached and how to care for yourself. You aren't doing that if you're actively clinging to your T.

ETA: Also, what did you do yesterday to actively take care of yourself? I'm glad that you made it without pushing yourself in to see T somehow. But what did you actually do? From your posts all I can see if that you were obsessing over your T. I'm sure you did more than that with your day!

[Bill3]

It sounds like growli's attachment is completely understandable and is being addressed by her T. To my mind, this attachment is to be worked through.

[A Red Panda]

I never said it wasn't understandable Bill. Please don't put words in my mouth.

I just don't see how encouraging it would be beneficial to anyone, and I hope that growli's remembering to work on what she's there to work on. Which is why I have asked what else she did yesterday - because I'm sure that she's done more and just isn't focusing on that. Or at least hasn't shared it with us.

((Growli - sorry for just talking about you like you aren't there!))