The Couch - Welcome to the Psychedelic 70's

Granite....

You are NOT disgusting. From all I can tell on here...you are an intelligent, caring, and honest person. Just because any one person can not help does not make you unimportant, expendable, or disgusting, or any other negative descriptor. I really hope that some day you can be a lot nicer to yourself...you really deserve much better. I hope you find and receive the help you need, one that is willing to work WITH you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

my stomach turns everytime the phone rings

If T didn't support you, then T is the failure, not you.

When I dumped Madame T, it felt like she dumped me.

And in a way, she had: she made it impossible for me to stay.

Granite, this is a time of immense grief -- I was unbearably sad when I left my T last year.

I haven't been following the couch or PC much recently... my job has become extremely stressful, and certain aspects of my family situation are about to become extremely stressful, and I have had to keep my attention on those things while keeping myself and Baby Brown healthy.

But from what I'm reading here, you're doing something really impressive. If other people do not prioritize us the way they should, it can be really hard to realize it's not our fault. That'll take a lot of time. But what I'm seeing here is that you are being proactive about it, which means that somewhere in there you (and MKAC, and quite frankly all the rest of us) must have some notion that you deserve better. And you do.

It is extremely hard to act on that feeling, because for so many of us, that notion that other people should treat us well was squashed by the people who should have loved us the most from the very beginning. It's true, though. You deserve a T who is present with you, because you are neither expendable nor unimportant. If a T treats you as if you are, that is the fault of the T, not you.

I would much... much... MUCH rather you changed T's than changed who you are. In fact, I would absolutely prefer that you did not change who you are, regardless of who your T is.

Never heard from the 2nd neuro the PCP sent the referral to, so I just tried calling his office...they answered "neurology" so I think all the neurologists in that building use the same secretary/receptionist.

I said that last week my PCP referred me to Dr. S and said Dr. S's office would call me to schedule an appointment and I hadn't heard from his office yet. They tell me that referral was sent back denied because Dr. S only sees neurotoxicology patients. I explained that in reality my insurance does not need a referral to see a specialist and asked if there was anyone accepting "any" patients instead of specialized areas, so I wouldn't have to keep having the PCP send a referral and then have it sent back to them denied and have to have them make even another referral, since this was the 2nd referral that was denied.

They said the only one that sees general/any neurology patients is Dr. C and he doesn't have anything available until April. Goodness...I am glad that I am not suffering from something serious...I am just going to "make sure everything is still pkay" so the months don't really matter to me. The PCP will just have to deal with the fact that I can't get in sooner as a new patient. If he wants to call and complain he can...because I could care less when my appointment is or if I even have an appointment.

I just find it a little odd that out of 8 neurologists in that office/group, only 1 of them accepts any neurological condition...the other 7 specify a certain sole problem they will see. Makes it hard for people to get in then, if they don't have one of the specified conditions...picky, picky, picky.

I may call around to other neuros that are not in the group. I kind of wanted to stay in the same group that my ob/gyn and PCP are in, so all my records would be in one place, but at this point only having one option seems a little weird, especially if I end up not liking him. I may just go with someone out of the group then, just so I can get in a little sooner and prove to the PCP that I am fine. I doubt the neuro is going to tell me I need to be seen yearly, as even the national NF organization says that adults with mild cases only need to check in every 3-5 years (if even that). The sooner I can have a neuro tell me that as well and can show that to my PCP, the sooner I can tell him he can stop being concerned about it.

I think I may go do that.

Grrrrr...just checked my provider list and according to insurance records, no neuros within 25 miles of me are accepting new patients except the 8 in the group my other drs are in. And really while insurance may say/think they are accepting new patients...they are really only accepting "certain" new patients. Guess I am stuck. Whatever.

Got 2 more shot glasses at Dave and Busters today to bring my total to 133.

Granite....you are so brave.

11:20pm and I'm still working. Because I have no self discipline, and I have to get this done tonight. (But at least I'm at home, sitting in my living room with my laptop...)

the T I really wanted sent me an e-mail saying practice is full. and so it begins

sent out an e-mail to another one. I just wish my insurance company would not say they are accepting new clients if they are not

it seems all the T specializing in trauma are not taking any patients

Your at home and you're working. That's self discipline.

should I send my T an e-mail saying I will be here next week but only to terminate. I don't want to spring it on her that day and she won't return my calls

Do you have a favorite? I don't really collect them, but my brother gives me a shot glass from places he travels to. My favorite is a Jaeger shot glass that is an upside down silver deer head.

I'm not sure if I have a favorite but the "Original 3" have some special meaning to me, it all goes back to June 2007 when I was at an amusement part and I knew that it was the 100th Anniversary of the park and I was looking for something to get in honor of it, they didn't have any T-Shirts (which was a staple for me at the time) but I saw a set of 3 shot glasses and decided to get them from there it just sprung into the big collection that I have today, any time my parents take a vacation they always bring me home Shot Glasses (often several per trip) plus when my dad or a friend of his goes to the Goodwill (or a flea market) they always try to find shot glasses for me there.

I am trying to get at least 1 shot glass from all 50 states, I currently have a shot glass from 32 of 50 states, many shot glasses that are specifically for that state (i.e. it says the state name along with something that it is famous for), plus a few other countries in North America and Europe (I don't believe that I have anything from any other Contenants as of yet). Including the US I have shot glasses from 13 different countries.

(((Granite))) so sorry you have been so badly let down by your T.

I might be inclined to wait until I had another T in place before terminating.

You could certainly leave it a couple of days. If you think you'll find it too hard to talk, send her an email, maybe Friday?

Wishing you good luck in your search for a more helpful T.

I have T tomorrow... I've been having panic attacks this week and I want to tell her and see if she can help me cope. But I am not feeling the connection because last week she could barely stay awake through my appointment. Her eyes kept closing and she would begin to nod off... Then I would say something a bit louder than usual and she would jerk awake and make some rather general question/comment. Urggh. It makes me feel like I don't matter, and I feel like that anyway. I wish I could bring it up but I'm too embarrassed. It's not the first time btw. I fantasise about letting her go to sleep and creeping out of the room. Or just sitting starring at her till she wakes up. I know I am being a bit mean, but I pay her enough, surely I can expect her to stay awake!

Sorry about the rant; I think I needed to get that out before my appointment.

I have a meeting with 2 new ones next week

I know she probably wont read this but she wouldn't call me and I don't think it is right to just dump it on her with no warning

I was hoping you would return my crazy call and I was going to tell you then. but its ok I guess calls are off limits now also ..I just didn't want to just drop this on you .I don't know why I guess I want to think it would matter. Or the right thing to do . I will be coming on Tuesday if you will see me but to terminate . I didn't want to just come there and say ok I'm gone .I owe you more then that . at least I hope you feel that way because I did start to feel somewhat connected to . probably why this has happened. I have set up meetings with a few therapists and I hope one will be willing to work with me (its ok to feel sorry or them I sure do) i hope I can do better .I'll try. one on wednsday and one on Thursday. and im waiting on two others. it would be nice if you could be a little hopeful for me

I don't know how much of this I can say when I get there .as I know this session will be so so hard for me (I know all about me again) but I just feel I cant do what you want me to do. not on my own,not with out help. hell I didn't even really understand what you wanted from me . I have such a hard time opening up or even being able to talk at times (like Tuesday) I think you just wanted me to talk and when I couldn't you would sit there and get so so angry at me and I know you don't believe this but I needed help and I know that seems to be a boundary you have and couldn't help me. it just wasn't going to ever work .I was having a hard time saying anything and you felt I could and couldn't help me . I need to respect that but it just was not going to work.it never was so clear to me then on Tuesday. the week before I told you one of the most disgusting secretes I had .one that took me 4 years to be able to even speak. last Tuesday you didn't even remember you had a session with me the week before . never mind what I said . you started the session with "so it has been a few weeks sense we have met " it was so so devastating for me to even walk into that room knowing what I said. Iit disgusting and I don't blame you at all I really don't. but when you told me at the end of the session if I want to discuss something I was going to have to bring it up I knew it was not something I was ever going to be able to do .I thought you were always going to help me . but **** all these stupid misunderstandings really mess with my head . I hope for thing that I know cant happen .I am so so sorry.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom Tuesday you helped me also .it hasn't been bad .if I was not so resistant and difficult to deal with maybe things would have worked.i guess I gust don't have any idea how the heck to do therapy . I hope one of these new people can help me figure that out. you did one amazing thing though. you have made it easier when I was seeing you to say no to the mother . that was not easy and with your help I have done it a few time .maybe even more .

if you read this thank you and ill see you tuesday

Anyone remember the lemon twist toy?

Oh that is great, Granite. Good luck.

I would write the email then; you don't even have to go to your session next week if you don't want to.

This is a courageous thing you are doing.

it is the most devastating and terrifying thing I have ever done . im miseerable

What does it do?

Granite, that sounds like something that was very tough to write. I hope she will read it and you guys get some closure before you move on. Good luck.

I had one of those. I was never very good at it.