Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

T,
Today's session really sucked.

We get to tackle my driving phobia tomorrow! Buckle up and please be patient with my sucky driving skills.

Good Luck, Growlycat

Oh T, I feel really stupid and bad for sending you that email. Now I worry that I have upset or annoyed you! Instead of allowing myself to still have those feelings myself. Please, please, be kind and help me to talk about the last session with you, to face it rather than run a mile away and avoid and keep up with my own hurt and annoyance.

Yes I know, even this is progress, I see that.......but it just feels wrong because I am still underneath terrified of how you will react. Maybe punish me in some way? See, we have a lot to talk about, so please help me to talk and please listen and hear me.

That is all.

T,
So I'll see you in few hours and I guess it will be pretty awkward... Last time we were arguing for the whole session but today I am not interested in continuing this topic as you just don't listen and don't want to change anything - you are so perfect... It will be odd also because I have already made an appointment with another T on Thursday but you don't know about it and I won't tell you that - first I want to see how it goes... But till the meeting with another T, we have two sessions together so I have to think about what I could talk to you... I guess, I'll go for some terrible memories from my childhood as you like listening about them - then you feel so important and needed... I don't care I can please you these few more times... But to be honest - I don't like you :P

Hi T
Thanks for your great commitment and extra time, you're going beyond expectations. You're not abandoning me, are you? I'm still feeling as safe as after our last session, like I'm not scared that you'll dump me nor I need punishment for throwing up etc. I just think "it's going to be ok because I'm working hard", instead. And it feels wonderful. And I can't wait to tell you.

I try really hard to keep it together in my appointments. I don't want to cry in front of you. I don't want to cry in front of anyone. It's embarrassing, and I feel like you will judge me. I have gotten to the point where I can admit to feeling certain things (although I do feel embarrassed), but I don't think I can cry. I wish I could, though. There have been many times I have wanted to, but couldn't because of fear. I was feeling very emotional yesterday at my appointment, and I told you that. Normally, I can sort of detatch myself from the emotions relating to trauma, but this time I couldn't. I felt very raw and exposed. But I still didn't cry. I almost did several times, but I was able to avoid it. When will this dam break? And what will come out when it does? That worries me.

Dear T

*sigh*..

I've been coming away from sessions upset because of something you have said as we walk to the door the last 3 sessions. This time I shut down, stuffed carbs, went to sleep and couldn't get off of the couch today. I just need to know if that is really because of what you said. I think i should probably tell you.

T,
All you talk about is willingness. So I'm not willing. So WHY are we still meeting? If you don't think you can help me if I'm not willing, and you don't think I'm willing, why are we even trying?! I'm so sick of this!!!!!

Dear T,

I feel myself distancing again are we really going back to that? I think you're going to be just as angry as I am and tell me to knock it off (well...in a much nicer, therapist-y way). Well you know what? I come to you because I have problems and I DO try whatever I can manage to deal with them so....idk.

I'm back to thinking the problem is just ME ME ME.

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for not giving up on me. . .

Dear T,

I mad, I am angry.. I want to throw things, and scream. I have to get it out somewhere because the longer I stay angry, the more I think it is all my fault and I am overreacting and I tempted to turn that anger inwards.

First- I am mad at you. You are supposed to be dependable. You are supposed to be able to fit me into your schedule once a week, I have been your patient for two years, I have never missed an appointment. Can you please work on being more available for me? I know this seems like such a minor problem, but for some reason it set of an amount of anger for me, that seems disproportionate to the actual issue.

I am also mad at my pastor, my dad, and my husband... I want to yell at all of them. What do I do with this anger?? Help me please!

Next session I want to ask you what you think of this. People have said to me that all they want to do is help me. They care about me. But then, these same people lie to me, try to manipulate me, laugh at my sorrow and turn their back on me when I am in my darkest hour (which they caused). I don't get it. How can they profess to care and then behave like that? Is this sick or what?

Dear T,

I don't know what to expect tomorrow in session but I just want you to know,that I am NOT okay!!!

Dear T,

I'm going to tell you I'm ready to leave.

(I'm not ready to leave therapy but I'm ready to leave you.)

Dear high-class T,

I was watching your face today to see if your expression matched your voice. I hope that's ok.

I don't want to lose you, but I can't afford to see you. I'm afraid that I'm going to say goodbye tomorrow and you'll accept it.

I don't really want to cope with the pain of that on my own.

Oh well. This is my life, I guess.

T,
Not sure why you put up with me. Anyway, I'm really sorry for being so childish again. I know I'm reverting to negative attention-getting behaviors. Because that's what's always worked for me. I know I need to be more open with you. I bet it's horrible for you to sit there and not have me say anything. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk just because it's something I have trouble with, but a lot of the time I honestly don't know what to say. It's hard to identify my emotions, it's hard to tell if I'm willing, it's hard to tell if I'm in love with you and if that's really what's getting in the way. Maybe you and other T can talk together? Maybe that would somehow help? I WANT to get better T. I really really do. There were times when I didn't, but those are long behind us. I WANT to feel good. What is the difference between wanting something and being willing to work for it? I want to be willing. Does that make sense? I know I'm just rambling T. I'm just I screwed up....again. Because I basically yelled at you yesterday, and then wrote a nasty-ish email. I don't know. Was I mean? Does it just feel like I was? I like you T. I like you a lot. I don't want to ruin this relationship. Because you are helpful. You do know what to say. Even when it's not what I want to hear. Like yesterday, I didn't want to hear that every week for the past year, there hasn't been a week when you haven't heard me whine, when you haven't heard my horrible negative unwilling attitude. That made me sad. Because I want you to just say "I care about you and you are wonderful." But I know that won't really help things T. You say what needs to be said. Sometimes I do too, but it's something I need to work on. Talking with you, being honest with you. I'm mad at myself for seeing you twice this week. I thought we were working on that? But I still want to see you all the time T. I'm not sure the point of this blabber, T. Sorry. I hope you're not mad at me. I know, you don't invest such energy in feelings like that about your clients, but clearly I think a lot about what I assume you think. Which I guess I shouldn't. It's not helpful, is it? T, please don't give up on me. I am trying. Do you believe that? I am trying so hard.

Okay, I've processed what you said now, and just thank you for being angry at my old T and going outside your comfort level by telling me what you think.

Dear T

I am relapsing and I am not sure if I am happy or scared about it. I think you know already, please talk to me about it.
HT.

ED T,

When I see you tomorrow, please go easy on me. I'm positive you're going to recommend intensive treatment and I'm just not ready to hear that yet. I am starting to relapse after this latest illness, just as I did the last one. Only this time, I don't know that I can pull myself out of it on my own. I'm just scared to hear it from you. I didn't even make it 4.5 months out of intensive treatment before relapsing. Though I am feeling so ashamed and embarrassed, I will listen to what you have to say. I know you have my best interests in mind.

Personal T,

I just saw you two days ago and will see you next Monday again. I miss you already. I wish my session was with you tomorrow instead, even though I know you would be saying pretty much the same as ED T. I know you're worried about me too.

Dear T,

I'm not really sure what to say to you tomorrow. I mean, as if I can predict much anyways /: I kind of want to tell you how much I appreciate you because I don't think many Ts would have put up with me for as long as you have. I KNOW that I am difficult and I wouldn't want to put up with me either. You are incredibly long suffering and you never fail to take any opportunity that presents itself to let me know just how much you want to help me. Yeah, so you might trip over your words occasionally or get frustrated in a way - but T! You are such a "good enough" therapist. I feel like I don't deserve you. I feel like I'm not a good enough client back to you. I know it's not a reciprocal relationship but I just feel so insecure. I'm sorry that I don't tell you these things. Maybe I will tomorrow - depending on who shows up....

Why do I feel the need to tell you everything? And then feel frightened and ashamed of it? It's like a roller coaster, where I have something bothering me, so I tell you. And then I feel anxious until you respond because all my fear of being too much and being abandoned gets activated. Grr!

Dear T,

I'm surprised, you didn't have a word, to say, about what I stated. Not in a disappointed, surprise, but as though, thought provoking surprise.

Alas, T,, maybe our sessions, are growth inducing. Thanks.

-me

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