Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear Main T,

I think I will be killing myself sometime this year . . . so we're probably wasting our time with therapy.

I had this really bad dream last night and I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. Things were going smoothly with us, until someone else worked their way into the picture. They bad mouthed me to you and you believed them. Then you turned against me. You dumped me and kept him on as a client. Can you imagine such a horror??? I know it's hard to imagine you would ever do that to me isn't it? I mean, this guy in the dream had a wife, kids, good job, etc. Yet, he chose to interfere in my life and come between you and I. I guess he didn't want me to have anything good at all. He was somewhat obsessed with my life and you didn't catch on. You kept seeing him and all I remember was crying. You didn't hear me call for you. Maybe you didn't want to hear me? Anyway, it was a real nightmare. So glad I woke up. Did you have a nightmare like that too?

***************Trigger for ED***************

Dear T,

I am dreading our next session. I am so embarrassed at the texts that I sent to you this week about feeling like I was so fat I don't deserve to live. I am embarrassed that I was starving myself yet you cannot notice any difference. How will I sit there and tell you that I have been restricting my food, yet I am so a whale I know you will understand, its not your reaction I am worried about, I am just aware of how pathetically weak I will sound.

Dear T: I wanted to talk to u today but didn't really have any reason to call u. I purposely dialed your number and let it ring once. Then I hung up. I thought u would call me back but didn't. I guess u thought I accidentally pocket dialed u. My plan failed. I wish u would call me back but I'm sorry I bothered u on a Saturday. I hope u have a nice weekend and I'll see you as planned on Tuesday afternoon.

Dear T,

I wrote a poem today that actually came out quickly and without analytical thought - like I used to. Thanks for encouraging me to do something like that but not pushing it on me either. I'm sorry I make you walk a tightrope like that /: I mean, geez.

The me you see is not always like that. My contemptuous nature shows up sometimes and I'm so eye-rolly ( ) and difficult. I swear, T. I need to figure out where she comes from because it's embarrassing. I noticed her try to come out last week and I felt like I was fighting with her. She gets in my way! She blocks my connection with you and I hate that feeling like I'm watching it all happen outside myself and cringing. I know I sound crazy. I'd tell you this if I thought I could get the words out in a coherent way that you might understand.

I finally found my purpose in life. It is to be maligned, ridiculed and be the subject of malicious gossip at work. This can all be credited to you my T with the support of other like minded people. Actually, I'm a little concerned now for my safety as I believe the rumors have spread quite far throughout my state. Why anyone would be so cruel to me, I do not know.

I hate the power you have over my moods. I live for our sessions. I love how I feel in there, even when it's scary. When I feel closer to you my heart sings. This singing lasts a day or two and then is replaced by the realization we're not actually close, it's just a feeling I have. I ache to be close to another person the way I feel with you but that's so terribly scary. I'm not paying them to not leave me. Then I see you again and my heart sings. Rinse and repeat.

The real reason I don't want to talk about that stuff is not because I don't know you well...it's because I don't think you care about me that much.

imissyou

Thank you for letting me need you, without running away. I know that some people have T's that are paranoid of their client's dependence, but it has been so good for me that you are allowing me to feel a need for you to be there for me. Since my past has made me fiercely and unhealthily independent, I think you know I won't take it too far. One day I won't, but for now, I do need you.

You're important to me. And that scares me. Because I don't know how okay you are with that. Or how okay I am with that.

T,

Really really hoping you don't go to the place where we first met within this timeframe because a poster with my face is going to be up there and I'm really really embarrassed I can't stop imagining your expressions should you see it!!

Oh god writing this makes me feel more nervous

htn

Dear T,

I will probably cry in session tomorrow. I never cry, but I know I will so please have Kleenex ready and try not to stare if I have snot in my nose. Thanks.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I wonder what you would say if I asked you to write about my relationship with T has damaged me. You've never known me without her in my life. I wish you could go back and see who I was before her.

Dear T,

I need you to be more attuned tomorrow than you've ever been before.

Dear high-class T,

I have only been seeing you for a little while but I almost feel as though you have answered all my questions and I am ready to move forward without you. I'm not ready to leave just yet; just saying you have done a great job.

Dear rehab T,

Please stop calling me all the time. I don't need you to tell me what kind of shopping to put in my refrigerator.

I feel stupid and small, but somehow I'm not handling this separation as well as I've been able to in the past. Normally I get, as you say, anticipatory anxiety before you go away, but I usually collect myself by the time you actually leave town. At the very least I'm able to distract myself or numb out.

This time no such luck: You're gone and I'm all nervous stomach and eye twitches and crying jags. Oh, and glorious random anger at other people, too.

I know it's only a week--just 2 meetings--but it feels like complete torture. I guess we both know what that means...the mommy crush has finally taken over completely. Blech.

Hurry home? But do have a lovely time...I know you need and deserve it.

Dear T, Please give me a hug. After all these years I feel my inner child and she feels so small.

Dear T,

Where are you today? You always answer my text and now I'm worried. Please give me a sign.

dear T...

ur leaving for 10 days. but i think ill be ok. iguess. ill see theother T like u said. dont get eaten by a bear on ur trek

me

Please can we discuss boundaries again as it's making me so anxious all the time. I worry, worry, worry all the time. I've almost forgotten for a moment what I am supposed to be seeing you for. Surely this can't be right. I'm in a mess. I need more support. Please?

HazelGirl;I try really hard to keep it together in my appointments. I don't want to cry in front of you. I don't want to cry in front of anyone. It's embarrassing, and I feel like you will judge me. I have gotten to the point where I can admit to feeling certain things (although I do feel embarrassed), but I don't think I can cry. I wish I could, though. There have been many times I have wanted to, but couldn't because of fear. I was feeling very emotional yesterday at my appointment, and I told you that. Normally, I can sort of detatch myself from the emotions relating to trauma, but this time I couldn't. I felt very raw and exposed. But I still didn't cry. I almost did several times, but I was able to avoid it. When will this dam break? And what will come out when it does? That worries me

I know the feeling, HazelGirl. My therapist and I are working on breaking the dam on my emotions and I am so afraid of what will happen. I've teared up in front of him a few times but never really cried, and I really fear losing control. Hugs to you - keep on with the struggle and don't be afraid, and I will try not to be either

I am so worried about our session on Wednesday because I'm scared you're going to get upset at me when I try to explain what was going on for me last session. My fear is probably irrational, but please don't do that. Please. Just try to listen, even if I'm not saying things properly. Just try. I need it.

Dear T, I'm drowning - I'm putting everything I've worked so hard for in jeopardy. I'm so frustrated that I can't seem to get off this self-destructive path I'm on. But...I will Never Give Up - so keep hanging in with me. I need you - right now you're what's keeping me from stepping over that line in the sand into total chaos. Thanks

It's the WORST to try to get through to emotions. Seriously, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. It makes me so anxious to even think about it.