Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Oops, I lied when I told you I was doing better than I looked, it felt true at the time but now I see that was wrong. Actually I'm just as I look, overwhelmed. I really want to feel and process all the bad stuff with you in session, but I struggle with that. I need you to really listen to my words vs. reading how I look because I am very good at putting on a happy face when talking about things that actually hurt me. Listen to me, and the next time I say with a smile something like "oh, my dad forgot my birthday this year", ask a question or two about that, I know it's totally ridiculous but that's the only way I can get in touch with my emotions because otherwise I just don't want to bring it up for some reason. I really want this to work out, not only because of my attachment issue although I'm sure that's a good 90% or more, but also because rationally, it will be a huge pain to have to start over somewhere else.

Are you still discussing my business?? Haven't you learned anything yet? You have no right!!! How would you like it if YOUR personal life suddenly became an open book. Your name disparaged. Think about it. Or do you think you're to good for that? No one would violate you. It would only be done to a lowly worthless person whom you felt you could get away with it.

Hey T. Remember that one session it was well before you moved away and I said I didn't feel like talking that day and you said that's fine we can just sit here and "be"? I think I want to do that again on Feb 6 but I'm not sure how that will work over the phone. We are both creative people. perhaps we can figure it out.

Dear T -

When I told you I was okay, I lied. I hated what we talked about for 30 minutes of our session - do you have any idea how painful those 30 minutes were? And now I have to sit with these bad feelings that you've stirred up on my own for a week?

I regret emailing you again between sessions (I wouldn't have done it if I weren't an emotional mess) especially since you've ignored a few of my emails in the past. Are you going to reply this time or not? A week is a long time to wait for reassurance. Please stop encouraging me to email you if you aren't going to be consistent.

Dear T, when I told you I'd been eating better, you replied 'Good girl' I think that's the first time since I was 16 I felt validated for doing so. Thank you for hearing me yesterday. I wish every session was like that.

I feel like I need to tell you how bad I'm doing . I think you know, but i don't you to think i'm okay because I seem okay in the session.

I am having trouble working and even getting on the couch again. I get on the couch , then every twenty minutes or so get back up and do something. Yes, I did take up the carpet in the backroom yesterday doing that, but probably was off the couch a total of 2 hours all day.

T,

I am such a F'ing waste of space I don't know why on Earth you bother with me. I feel sick just looking at my pathetic self.

YT,

I'm sorry I emailed. I thought I would feel better afterward but I dont. Everything in me wants too quit...

T,
Today I saw how a therapy can look like and I am already more attached to the consulting T than to you - you can/should be jealous

Is it wrong to want reassurance? I really need for you to tell me you care about me because I have been in a dark space. I don't need the reassurance all the time but right now I need it but I am afraid to ask.

The other thing is when I called crisis line and you asked me what they said and I said they said a lot of caring things like you are important, you matter, etc. I felt like you shamed me with your reply. It feels like something that was nice you took away. I was in a dark place and those were the words I needed to hear. Why is that so wrong? It felt like you were making fun of me.

ED T-

Feeling really guilty that I had to cancel (my first time ever) t appt with you today. It was because of the weather and not because I didn't want to be there, but I'm still feeling really bad. I was all ready for a hard session only to wake up and realize it wasn't going to happen today. Should have asked for a confirmation/callback just to ask you a quick question about next week. Might have helped my anxiety during our normal appt time. I'm already stressing about my weigh in next week, when I might not even have to. Now I don't feel as if I'm able to because of your boundaries you have set in place. At least I was able to hear your voice on your voicemail message this morning.

Can't wait to see my personal T on Monday.

Dear T,

*sigh*

I don't need you worrying about me,I'm just peachy!!

Dear T,

I am so glad I was able to tell you I appreciate you and everything. I don't know for sure why I needed to say it, but it was very important.

Thanks for letting me take a breather too from all that stuff.

I really think I trust you. This is huge, T. I haven't trusted anyone in so long.....That means a lot to me and I would've never gotten there if it wasn't for your consistent, caring, empathic nature coupled with your persistent challenging of me that I can see now came from your heart. I don't know how to express my gratitude. I didn't deserve it but you made sure I could get to this place. Without getting here, I would never be able to move forward in this process.....

Wow.

Dear T

Every time I finally get up the courage and overcome my anxiety and tell you something fearing your reaction, and every time you accept it and don't tell me I'm stupid and it helps me so much. I wish my friends and family were more like you.

And I'm glad your new baby is healthy and so are you but please don't ever leave for 3 months again, I was so lost and wanted to hug you so bad

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk

Dear T,

For no reason at all, i'm starting to regret telling you everything I have so far.

Also, i'm considering skipping Monday's session... It's always when we get close to this 'elephant in the room' topic that I want to pull away from you the most...

This is frustrating me.

You did not reply to me on a Friday between 5-7pm like you said you would. I know this could be for many reasons, but don't you see why this doesn't work? You said you did this so you could be reliable. !

Dear rehab T,

Why can't more women be like you? Or maybe they are, but I keep finding the bad ones?

dear t. i'm sitting here irrationally mad at you right now for no reason at all and wanting to cancel my next appointment and feeling mad at myself for even scheduling it. what is wrong with me?! I am so all over the place - one minute I think if I had the money, I'd want to talk to you twice a week and then the next minute I'm all f this I can take care of myself. Yeah, well we've seen how well that works out right? i'm not going to cancel.

Dear T,

Please help me accept what our relationship CAN'T be, and then learn to TRUST and TAKE INSIDE what it can be.

Please forgive me when I get triggered and it makes me act so crazy and withdraw from you.

Always remember that even though I often get upset with you and it might feel like I'm being critical, in reality, I just love you so much it scares the crap out of me. So in order to feel safe, I have to find things wrong with our relationship, so that I don't get used to feeling too good about it, for fear it will all come crashing down later.

Dear T,

thanks, you rock

Dear T

Thank you for phoning me after I texted you. It meant more than I can ever tell you. Thank you for your consistent care and support. Although we have never hugged I feel really cared for and close to you at the moment. I need you more than I probably should but I know your boundaries are very strong and you will support me. Thank you so much. Xx

I thinking about reporting her or even suing her again. I know I said I wouldn't do it because of her mom, but I 'm starting to think i've got to do this for my self respect.
I'm just researching right now. Did you really not get a copy of my treatment records from her?

Dear T,

I think I'm just going to quit T. I'm sorry you don't deserve to have such a messed up client as me. I'm sorry I wasted your time

Dear T,

I'm trying so hard to be open with you, but I'm scared of falling apart. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't rely on people for things. I take care of myself, but lately, things are extremely overwhelming.

I called you today to see if we could see each other sooner than our normal weekly appointment. This is me trying to be someone different than I normally am. This is me trying so hard.

Now I'm stuck until Monday before I can ask you if you're actually okay (because you better be), or if I just failed miserably in reaching out like you said I could. I've tried my very best for over a year to cope with boundaries that I don't like. You said this boundary was so that you could be reliable. I still haven't heard from you though and the most ridiculous thing is that I have to wait until Monday to reach out again (my boundary because I'd never contact you on the weekend), but then I have to wait until next Friday between 5-7pm to hear back. This is crazy. How am I supposed to know if you're really not okay? This sucks.