Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dearest Landscaper,

I have always worked hard throughout this past year...but the hardest part is right around the corner. It started today and you were wonderful. We still have to make many "changes" on both of our ends but at least we are both aware it is necessary.

I think you really are going to make me ASK for closeness and that's pretty annoying. I don't understand how you know me so well.

I need to figure out how to make our bond stronger again because I really need it for the next chapter of our trip together.

T, you used to hug me but you don't anymore. I wish you would, You used to offer me one, but you stopped with offering. It brought me comfort. I wish you would start offering again.

T, you upset me today by saying I'm making myself sick with my obsessions. Plus, stop mentioning meds at all of our appointments. I'm not ready.

Dear T. You looked really ill and old today You had forgotten that I drunk alcohol even though we had a few months working through this a few years ago. I feel like I am loosing you before having the chance to say goodbye. I am worried something awful is going on in your life. I just wanted to give you a hug xxx

Dear T,
I told myself: no e-mails to you this week... I don't know if I want to punish you or me but I think it doesn't matter - no e-mails means no e-mails...
But I just don't know what to do, my H has just told me that after we'll fly to my oarents place for the Easter, he'll go first for 2-3 days to his parents... Thus, I either will stay without him at my childhood home or I'll go with my H to his parents... And both options seem just not acceptable... Staying at home with my family is always great and amazing but only because my H is always with me... I haven't been there without him since I moved out 8 years ago... And my most terrifying and sadistic abuser will be there... I know, now I am safe but it just freaks me out... And going with my H to his parents? I am really, really mad at them right now, so I just cannot go there, they were so emotional abusive towards my H and they were so jelaous that we visited my Dad when he had a very risky surgery that I just cannot look at them...
What should I do? I'd like to discuss it with you but I know that you cannot help anyhow, I just have to stop complaining, it's not a big deal, right?

It is a big deal! And you're suffering over your rule. It won't accomplish anything to insist on keeping it all to yourself except to hurt you.

T,
Did you realize I only have 6 more sessions? I'm scared, I have no idea when I will get mental health help. Will my new T trust me enough to avoid a stabilization unit? Will s/he listen to my med concerns? Will s/he take the scary **** I say in stride? Will s/he know I can keep from acting on my thoughts?

Hello T, I did great this week. But I feel so horribly sick right now. I'm not free. I don't know how to break these chains. Please be there, I need to talk to you. Please be kind with me.

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Please please don't turn out to have been lying to me all this time! Please don't have been lying to me earlier this week when you said you weren't leaving me. I'm blowing up my whole life and I trusted you to be there with me through it all.

You don't look like my t anymore. You look defeated. I feel like I have sucked all the life out of you. I hate myself. I feel so down thinking about it.

It's not as easy as you simply state. Not at all. You don't get it. I don't know how to explain it anymore to you.

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I don't feel like I can even respond to your text stating your directions. It will just keep more conversation going and I will continue to fill misunderstood. I hope you understand why I can't respond back. It's better that I just leave it alone and not respond. I hope somehow you understand

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Dear T's,

Am I destined, by virtue of no matter where we go, there we are, to have bosses like these?

Guess who is at fault because after she left, one employee calls cops because she blames other employee for her only car key, missing...and 'feels bad', for this *horse manure*, innocent victim...as though she's straight and narrow and 'preyed' on..as in weakling...*cough cough cough cough*.....

Any after hours appointments/???

I need therapy or a cold stiff
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dear T

i am taking my prns like u said. i hope the voices dont come back before i get my shot. i miss u. see u tomorrow (twice). BYE!!!!

me

I haven't been honest with you about just how badly I'm slipping back into my eating disorder. I tell you that I'm struggling, but it's not even close to what's going on. I don't want you to not be my T because you aren't an eating disorder specialist, so I haven't told you. I don't know what to do.

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Thank you for your patience with me and my difficulties. You have to be frustrated by this point, but you're a very patient person, and I really appreciate that.

T,
I'm losing it seriously. I don't think I can handle this ****. How the hell can you get better enough to be scared when you're falling apart. I hate this! You say I'm stable but I feel out of control like I'm going to crumble any second.

Dear T,

I hate that I'm afraid of your reactions to things. You've never given me any reason to be; on the contrary, you've gone out of your way to show me I shouldn't be. But I still am.

So I feel like I need to test you. I hope this phase is over soon. I know it's normal in therapy, but I feel guilty doing it, and also scared that I will succeed in pushing you away or overwhelming you with my needs.

Please don't let me.

T...

It is likely, that by the time our appointment rolls around tomorrow, I will have been awake for 24 hours straight already. I don't know what that will entail, but no matter what it is going to be a sensitive session. I'm not holding back anymore. It's time to finish telling you what I need. I've done so much self-reflecting and I am able to envision how the next steps of our journey together is going to unfold.

I really hope you are attuned and respond well to my request for closeness and extra sensitivity.

-Ally

T,

When you said to me, 'well Raging, I don't think you were properly sexually abused, but what messed you up?! I'd like to know!' And you looked so fragile and old, I realised I'd lost you. I couldn't even get angry about how invalidated I felt.

Something has happened in your life and its strangely affecting mine.

Possible trigger...

OFor a moment, you saw clearly. Ty for that. Then unresponsive agAin. Wouldn't this confuse anyone? I'm so sensitive and I value yet detest this characteristic. I know it's up to me to save me. No one else can. I just need a little help on how to do that. It's great that you care, but at the end of the day, all our communication basically rests in your hands.
You answer when you want and don't -- when you don't want to or think it unwise.
I understand the therApy relAtionship. Sometimes makes me sad. I'm putting myself out there, I know.
Forgive me and forgive yourself. How could u ever have known? Peace and love. Be well.

*no intention of self harm or harming another in any way. Hope I did not trigger.



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B-
Let's do this. It's been seven months, I trust you. I want to talk Monday about whether I should take classes this summer, or take a semester off and let you break me open. I'm pretty sure you know how, from our mild arguments about whether the goal is to dismantle my defense system or just to gently help it evolve.

I can't do this on my own. I am willing to go the distance. I have good insurance - so if we push hard enough that I need inpatient, more meds, acupuncture, a Vipassana retreat - I can do that. I'm middle class for the first time ever.

I can't stay like this forever. I know right now I am drunk off my ***, scared, grieving, and lost, but I mean this. Monday, I intend to bring this up.

I will walk down to the end with you, if you will come all the way down with me. I mean both parts of that.

Also - if you don't listen to the Mountain Goats, you should start. I can hook you up with files.

Break me open and look at who I really am. I dare you. I dare me.

I've got the Maker's Mark if you need it.

-C

Dear T,

On my way home from work tonight I composed several different messages to you, none of which I will put in print. I just don't know how to deal with what you've done to me. I had so much faith in you...then you just ruined my life, my reputation....what else do you think I have? I have nothing left for you to ruin so you walk away? I guess the excitement of walking all over me has dissipated. You think I'm supposed to "forget"??? Would YOU forget??? Would it not bother YOU to have people walk up to you and "feel" you?? Have you ever heard of such a thing?? I have to face what you've done to me EVERY SINGLE DAY. YOU think I will forget?? NO WAY!!!

You want to know how I am?? I am MISERABLE.

I hope you're not out there ruining someone else's life. Who will be your next target? Oh you'd never do this to her would you?? You'd never ruin her reputation would you?? I wonder why?? You think I don't know?

You had no right to ruin my life!!

Dear T, why do you even care?!?!

Dear T,

I would like very much to know how you would feel given my predicament. You see many people don't understand unless they are faced with a similar situation. It is only then that people may get an idea of what I'm going through. Unfortunately, they will only get a whiff because they will never know what I have gone through in my life that has led me here to this pain. But I do want to know how you would feel because I care very much.