[HazelGirl]

Ok, so my T is of the philosophy that the client determines the length of therapy and whether they can have post-therapy contact (I'm not talking about friends, just leaving the door open for future sessions, or calling if needed, etc...). She has said that she won't ever kick me out of therapy or abandon me when I need her, and that it is completely up to me when to leave and what to work on. She is very available and extremely caring and lots of others things. She also has relatively relaxed boundaries when it comes to time and the "therapeutic hour". Her focus is way more on connection, attachment, feelings, and re-experiencing the past in order to change it and make it better (for example, facing a situation that is triggering and causes anxiety, and learning that it won't end the same way as the past traumatic experience ended).

But for some reason, all of this causes so much anxiety in me. I know part of it is that I am afraid that all of this isn't real and that eventually she will change and become someone else from what I know. But part of it is very confusing because I don't understand what is making me anxious. It has to do with the fact that she cares and the fact that she is willing to be so dedicated to helping me get better. You would think knowing this would cause me to relax and trust her more, but for me, it is causing me to freak out. I just can't relax and trust that what she is saying is true and reliable.

What the heck is going on? Why can't I just accept her at her word? Why can't I believe her or trust her?

[Mactastic]

Could it possibly be stemming from an previous relationship in which you fully trusted that person only to have them somehow change? Shy away from you?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

Could it possibly be stemming from an previous relationship in which you fully trusted that person only to have them somehow change? Shy away from you?

My parents were completely unreliable and unpredictable. Does that count?

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

My parents were completely unreliable and unpredictable. Does that count?

I absolutely think that counts! Have you brought up your trusting fears with your T?

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[Leah123]

You've written my scenario- how'd you do that?

I know exactly what you mean, and I believe a lot of it has to do with unpredictable, unreliable parents.

I have done a year of intense therapy, maybe 300 hours. I find this issue is easing.... just a little bit. Trying to surrender to my sense of neediness and let her be there for me helps, but it is an anxiety-inducing situation either way, after the relief comes anxiety again sooner or later. It does seem to be getting more comfortable over time though, as our attachment solidifies and my progress stabilizes some.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I absolutely think that counts! Have you brought up your trusting fears with your T?

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Yes, we have talked a lot about them. And she has reassured me many times that she isn't going to abandon me or change. But I just can't accept it. I continue to be afraid that I will do something wrong and she will hate me. Or I will be too annoying. Or I will say or do something she doesn't like and she will start to judge me and see me as worth less. It's so ridiculous. And I hate bringing it up yet again because it's the exact same thing over and over. I just feel like there has to be something else going on that I haven't identified yet since this is still so anxiety-producing for me.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

You've written my scenario- how'd you do that?

I know exactly what you mean, and I believe a lot of it has to do with unpredictable, unreliable parents.

I have done a year of intense therapy, maybe 300 hours. I find this issue is easing.... just a little bit. Trying to surrender to my sense of neediness and let her be there for me helps, but it is an anxiety-inducing situation either way, after the relief comes anxiety again sooner or later. It does seem to be getting more comfortable over time though, as our attachment solidifies and my progress stabilizes some.

That's it exactly! I get super anxious, she reassures me, I relax for maybe a few days, and then it all comes roaring back. It's so exhausting and like riding a roller coaster.

[Mactastic]

I also experience exactly what Leah and Hazel are experiencing. It's an emotional roller coaster. Trust, relapse, paranoia, trust, relapse, repeat.

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[Leah123]

I do believe it eases over time. My therapist saw her therapist for 10 years. She didn't rush the process, and after that, she was very comfortable as her own therapist as she calls it. Working through attachment issues is deep work. I think being patient with ourselves, compassionate, and understanding will ease this and if you're going several days, that sounds like progress to me.

I've also begun using DBT to help me take the edge off the intensity of my emotions and it does help.

[HazelGirl]

At least I'm not the only crazy person who is willing to tell her T she believes she's a liar and won't follow through on what she says. That helps because I feel so guilty for being so mistrusting. My T also said it took her 9 years to finally completely trust her T, and tried to reassure me she is willing to be patient until I can relax. But still, can't this go any faster? I have been in therapy for 2 years and still struggling with all this, and it's so torturous.

[Leah123]

Awe. Has your T given you anything in writing? Mine has, and I look at that from time to time to reassure myself. It helps a tiny bit anyway.

Or maybe you could write down things she's said to you that are reaffirming and read them in moments of anxiety or doubt.

I suppose the time frames are quite reasonable, considering the amount of time good enough parents put into nurturing their children, kind of a fundamental commitment that is hard to repair one hour a week.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Awe. Has your T given you anything in writing? Mine has, and I look at that from time to time to reassure myself. It helps a tiny bit anyway.

Or maybe you could write down things she's said to you that are reaffirming and read them in moments of anxiety or doubt.

I suppose the time frames are quite reasonable, considering the amount of time good enough parents put into nurturing their children, kind of a fundamental commitment that is hard to repair one hour a week.

I like the idea of getting something in writing. I have a few texts she's sent me, but I have to go dig back through all my texts to find them. And it's a good point that the timeframe of a parent's care is so huge, and so we can't expect to change that overnight.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I understand this too. It's incredibly frustrating and annoying. I think I'm so over it, and then relapse and feel doubts creeping in - and go looking for reassurance. I used to really despise myself for wanting reassurance, and argued with my therapist that I felt like I was 'winning' if I didn't let myself reach out and ask for it, except of course I wasn't winning at anything - I was simply withdrawing from her a bit and pretending all was fine and making myself act in the way I thought I should act.

Then she explained it to me like this - that some of the most brilliant people look for reassurance because they genuinely want to learn something that is really important to them - that how we master something is seeking consistency in others offering us feedback and reassurance. She likened it to Tiger Woods who is obviously one of the best at what he does, (in his words) not because he was born a brilliant golfer, but because he continually seeks out people to be coached by, to help him reflect on his learning and maintain mastery.

This really helped me come to terms with my reassurance seeking - now I just suck it up and ask for it when I get to that anxious place of doubt or incredulity that she is still here, without also berating myself (well, much) for asking in the first place.

[Leah123]

"This really helped me come to terms with my reassurance seeking - now I just suck it up and ask for it when I get to that anxious place of doubt or incredulity that she is still here, without also berating myself (well, much) for asking in the first place."

Yes, this! That's where I am too, and it's definitely been productive for me, not easy, but I've seen a lot of results and the continual strengthening of our relationship and my trust in her. Sometimes... I feel like her caring is a feast, and I can hardly take it all in. She's just so amazingly affirming and reassuring.... to have someone willing to give me what I ask for, just because she wants to help and trusts me to know what's best.... it's kind of staggering. Sometimes... I have this feeling that it will only be when I look back on this that I'll really be able to hold the entirety of our relationship. Othertimes, luckily, I am full of gratitude, and really feel the caring. It is so engaging, this type of therapeutic relationship.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I used to really despise myself for wanting reassurance, and argued with my therapist that I felt like I was 'winning' if I didn't let myself reach out and ask for it, except of course I wasn't winning at anything - I was simply withdrawing from her a bit and pretending all was fine and making myself act in the way I thought I should act.

I do this. All. The. Time. I pull away because that quells my anxiety. If I don't care whether she's close, then I am not anxious about it. Problem solved. Instead of reaching out (which she encourages me to do), I run from her. I just feel like eventually she is going to give up and come to the conclusion that I will never be better. And then she will quit. And I do hate myself for needing to be reassured of something I should know by now. I try not to feed my own need for reassurance because I don't want to get used to being reassured. It's a complicated desire to make sure I stay independent and not needing others. But it just gets in the way of everything.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Then she explained it to me like this - that some of the most brilliant people look for reassurance because they genuinely want to learn something that is really important to them - that how we master something is seeking consistency in others offering us feedback and reassurance. She likened it to Tiger Woods who is obviously one of the best at what he does, (in his words) not because he was born a brilliant golfer, but because he continually seeks out people to be coached by, to help him reflect on his learning and maintain mastery.

This really helped me come to terms with my reassurance seeking - now I just suck it up and ask for it when I get to that anxious place of doubt or incredulity that she is still here, without also berating myself (well, much) for asking in the first place.

I don't know if I can accept that for myself. I feel like I don't deserve to be reassured or comforted. Like I'm not "good enough" for it. I deserve for her to leave me and give up on me, not maintain her care and be consistent. It's messing with my head.

Thank you for this response. Hopefully, I can get there eventually.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Sometimes... I feel like her caring is a feast, and I can hardly take it all in. She's just so amazingly affirming and reassuring.... to have someone willing to give me what I ask for, just because she wants to help and trusts me to know what's best.... it's kind of staggering. Sometimes... I have this feeling that it will only be when I look back on this that I'll really be able to hold the entirety of our relationship. Othertimes, luckily, I am full of gratitude, and really feel the caring. It is so engaging, this type of therapeutic relationship.

I like this metaphor. I wish I could take advantage of the feast better than I do, because I know my hesitation gets in the way of me enjoying it.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you for this thread. I really relate to this myself and it makes me feel much less alone reading that others have exactly the same fears and issues. It really is amazing to read this as i could have written this word for word. Thank you. This is really helpful. I think I am going to raise this with my T next time we meet! Torturous sums this up so well. I am so sorry you are hurting and going through this. Do you think this T's are used to dealing with this with clients? I have so many thoughts but i don't have any advice - just want you to know you are not alone and thank you again for sharing. I wish you all the very best. Take good care. Xx

[someone321]

I really can relate... For me, it is very difficult to accept that T might be just nice, I'm always wondering why she offers something, why she is so warm and nice etc. It's very difficult to just accept it... Another thing is that when your T doesn't give you strict rules, it might be a bit confusing... For instance, for me, strict rules and boundaries mean that the therapy is more predictable, I know what to expect so it is somehow safer, while not knowing all rules and knowing that many things depend on me cause that I'm not sure what to expect and I have to trust my T more - that's not so easy...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

I really can relate... For me, it is very difficult to accept that T might be just nice, I'm always wondering why she offers something, why she is so warm and nice etc. It's very difficult to just accept it... Another thing is that when your T doesn't give you strict rules, it might be a bit confusing... For instance, for me, strict rules and boundaries mean that the therapy is more predictable, I know what to expect so it is somehow safer, while not knowing all rules and knowing that many things depend on me cause that I'm not sure what to expect and I have to trust my T more - that's not so easy...

I have talked with my T about this specific thing. Not having rules is so stressful for me! I just want to have something solid and concrete to follow, a template where I know if I'm doing things "correctly". But that's not how therapy works, and it's a challenge.

[unlockingsanity]

It takes time to develop the trust to know that you're T will be there for you. I could have written your post myself. Trust me, it will change with time and as you see that your T really means what they say.