Hard Session

So. I just left a session in which it was the first time we talked about some deep rooted past experiences that she knew about but were off topic for discussion. Anyways for some dumb reason i decided to open the discussion and T hopped right on it. There was no turning back really but she gave me the choice to stop multiple times. She has already known the whole time about the secrets - but i have never told them to anyone in my life ever so she knew just what to ask from the first question. But i kept freaking going because i'm insane like that. I felt almost entirely emotionless. Its like my body was numb and my emotions were void. She asked me to push past that void as we both know its my coping mechanism. Its not her fault at all she went veeery slow and it was all in my control and i have this bad habit of just going all in sometimes because if i don't i know i wont allow myself to even broach the subject. Finally i was just done w the conversation and we ended it. But now I'm so angry and cant figure out where to place the anger. I have no idea why im angry but i know it is probably just feelings that are trying to surface now from those experiences. I also feel robbed of a session because i chose to do the hard work instead if the loving fun light work and have no idea what that is about. What the heck is going on??? Is this common when you first open up?

Seems like feeling really conflicted after a session like that is pretty normal. Give yourself a day or so to settle down a bit. You will. The good news is that you got it out; that's the hardest part.

Well done for being so brave. I was also feeling very angry after I shared my childhood trauma for the first time. I was angry with my T bc everything she said afterwards seemed stupid. I knew it is probably not really about her but that was how I felt.
I was also feeling very emotionally numb while talking about the actual events but my body reacted by shaking and I had a panic attack the next day.
But overall I'm happy I let it out finally and I know it is not easy.

It's good to know I'm not alone. I have T on Wednesday and was thinking about doing the same thing, but instead of saying it I took an easier way and wrote it. I don't have anywhere near the bravery u have but I am trying. Please let me know when these feelings pass.
I know everyone is different so I may react differently. Just thinking about Wednesday makes me nauseous.
Just remember u are not alone in this we all are here to give opinions, experience, and support

She kept asking me how I was feeling and I kept telling her it was a mixture of nothing and I don't know. Lots of repetitive I don't know's in my head. Part of me wanted to be angry with her but I know it's nothing to do with her and I am not one to lash out at the wrong people so easily, but you're right. Everything she said just sounded like muddled water in my head. My brain was just like "Yeah yeah. Ok. It's not my fault. I get it. But it really is. I know that. You know that. Stop trying to sugar coat it. Stop being so nice." My brain hurts. And I've gone back to feeling void. Intense urge to s.h. but I'm trying no tot do it because i'm doing better at not s.h.-ing simply because I have an intense feeling. This week I got in touch with my feelings a bit more than I have in so long and shared the experience with T. I wonder if thats why I felt open to do it. Last time she asked to broach the subject I said yes without hesitation and she chose not to. Maybe she realized I wasn't really ready then, so maybe she knows that I am ready now. But I can't continue feeling like this week after week. She said that processing these feelings will show me that I can survive them but if this is what it feels like and I haven't connected myself to those memories - i'm really not sure I can. I mean I know I can, but I don't really know. This is a lot.

wow I would love to know how you just opened up the subject. I have such a hard time doing this . I bet things will calm down after a bit. I don't think it was crazy or anything that you did this. good work

I think writing it is the first step and I know for a fact that you are very brave because I remember how hard it was to write it myself. I wrote it out to her six months ago (12/13 page letter) so thats how she knew about it all along. But it was agreed not to be a topic of discussion until I was ready.

She said that sharing it will cause it to lose its power ; I hope she's right. And I hope that it is the same for you. Good luck on Wednesday!

It is common.
You were brave.
Emotionally connecting to talk of traumatic memories is difficult, very difficult, no wonder you're so upset about the void you feel.
Music has helped me greatly bridge the talking with the feeling, maybe you could turn on some songs that resonate, see what happens.
Also, hope you'll be very gentle and compassionate with yourself. It will do two things- keep you from feeling more upset, and can ease you into the place you want to be, where the disclosure ant the emotional reaction sync up- just go easy, treat yourself to something, remember you deserve respect and caring for going through the original event and for choosing to talk about it!

I wrote her a letter six months ago about it all, and I mentioned it to her this session. She asked if we could talk about it without the letter. I told her I don't know if I could. She said let's try. (She's obviously an opportunist. ) But I trust her judgement - I just don't like this feeling.

Well done teal you did some great work! Maybe you are feeling angry with yourself for finally telling someone? It's hard to keep things in for so long and when we let them out sometimes it feels like a betrayal. I don't know of this is how it is for you but I hope you are not being too hard on yourself

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You might have a point. I do know at one point i just felt totally disconnected from T like I wasn't worth her compassion. I still don't. Perhaps I feel like things are ruined because I told her. I know she already knew but its so much more real when its vocalized. She asked me the first question and it was like I threw her a million miles away - we were no longer what we had but complete strangers. I felt like I was sitting naked in front of her.

It's going to go there eventually, so good for you. If she went for it like that she must think you're ready to go there, which is a huge compliment to you as a person. Be proud of yourself and your achievements!

I think it's normal to feel like that after going that deep, you're digging stuff up from your subconscious to your conscious mind, that's a bit of a shocker.

Teal I've always had issues opening up. I was taught to never share what u feel and just keep it to urself. So that's what I've always done, I know the moment she reads what I've written I'll get agitated. I know the moment she starts talking about it I'll get mad. I also know I will never want to speak of these things again and I'll be hyper aggressive, have a migraine, and then nothing. I will remember nothing. I won't know how I got home or anything about the day. But before that happens I know what I'll want to do and that always will be physical pain. I will not go home until that is met.

I always hope someone just punches me in the face to get it over with but that never happens. Usually I try to find an inanimate object that won't break my hand and I'll just hit it a few times. Punching bags are nice but not readily available.

I know this is bad behavior but it's better than my alternative

It's like a loss of innocence but also a freedom from this secret you have guarded for so long
I am glad your t waited till you were ready because it's important not to rush yourself with this... To go at your own pace

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Hi Teal. Could be that you are feeling very vulnerable. I opened up to my T about something I promised myself that I would never share. Somehow, with her gentle coaching, I told her about it. For several days, I was hurting very badly. Hugs to you.

I know how you feel I had a very hard session myself last week.

RecentDiscovery, Thanks, I guess she does think so. I kind of wish I hadn't said anything but i'm still more glad that I did than didn't.

MonkeyBrains, I totally get it. Growing up I was encouraged to share my feelings - but then I was made to feel wrong for sharing them. *sigh* Yeah, when I first shared the letter, I'd considered not even going to the next session and she said she too was afraid I would not show up because of the things in it. But I did, and i'm glad I did - and now, six months later, we're actually talking about the things in the letter. I know that you and your T will work through those immediate feelings as well, and I hope that you feel your burden get lighter. I, too, tend to stop remembering tough things (another coping mechanism) though I've been doing much better about it this week specifically, unfortunately I don't know a solution to that one.

MonaLisaSmile, when you mentioned the 'loss of innocence' above all things - that is exactly a good way to determine part of what I feel. Like she was able to see me for all of the pathetic person I was and am and it was all completely open and there for her to see. There was nothing nice she could have said to make me feel otherwise but perhaps, in time, I will feel the freedom of the secret being released; just not feeling it yet. I do agree though that had I rushed into this, I wouldn't have been able to handle it even on this level.

Seekersinking, Hi. I think in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, I blocked all the feelings but the anger is the one thing that I just can't seem to contain. I do know now that my anger is directed at myself. Question, how did you get over the hurt? What did you do during those several days when the pain was so loud?

RTerroni,

Hey there, I know I'm kinda late, but wanted to chime in. Back in December, I disclosed details of some of the past, though I hadn't planned on it. We had talked about something else the week before, and it all kinda just spilled in detail into a journal to her. I ended up reading it all to her a few days later (went in for an early session because it was too much to handle for a whole other week). I was really conflicted about telling her. They were things NO ONE had ever heard before, and it was horribly vulnerable. But afterwards it all felt better. It took a few days to get there, but somehow the act of reading it all out to her relieved some of the internal pressure. I'm not quite sure how I got through those days that were torture. There was a lot more writing (addressed to her, but never handed over), and a lot of sh urges, but then it just left one day. I think maybe her telling me it wasn't my fault kinda sunk in. She didn't treat me like a freak or a demon... Maybe that was what made the biggest difference: she remained supportive even after that session. She still is, and that's helpful when the self-doubt and self-loathing get loud...
I'm glad you were able to share with your T, but I'm sorry it's causing so much turmoil in the aftermath. I hope you can find a way through it without the sh...

I'm glad it worked out for you in the end. Everyone's 'relief' post-release is at least encouraging. I don't think we're there yet - we only touched the surface of the secret and that was enough to take up the whole session. I'm feeling much less angry now but kind of just lost because i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be doing or how i'm supposed to be dealing. I'm glad your T remained supportive; mine tried but my head is pushing her way and skewing her compassion with a cynical tone. It's frustrating. At least though, as you guys say, it will pass. Thanks for that hope.

Hi Teal. I hurt intensely for about five days. I was actually afraid of how vulnerable I felt. Going to therapy always helps. I still hurt. I am trying to work out a way with my employer so I can go to therapy once a week until I get over this semi-crisis. Hope you doing better today.