[biiv]

im was so upset when i got home this evening. i asked her if i was more nuts than most people she sees and she said "of course not. you re not nuts you re just..." and then was silent. so i said "nuts" and she didnt contradict me. then later she said she knows how hard it is for me to talk but that i should try at least. i know i sit there in silence for ages sometimes but i really am trying to talk! ive told her so much and every word i say is like carving out a piece of myself! i cant sit there and just babble happily away. i dont WANT to tell her how my parents reacted when i came out to them. i dont WANT to tell her about how i feel before i purge. i dont WANT to sit and chat happily about how i od'ed before i told them. i even said the word purge today for the first time to someone else irl and that was so hard never mind a detailed exposition on how i FEEL about it!
i think i scare her. she was frowning so i asked if she was mad and she said no she was concerned because i throw up a lot and my diet is really bad. i KNOW my diet is really bad! she said it like three times as if i should say something else about it and all i could think was i KNOW this! my mind blanks when im in her room. all i can do is answer any questions she asks with one line or even one word and then nothing else comes to mind. sentences dont flow. one thought leads to a vacuum, not to the next thought. any ideas anyone on how i can break out of this paralysis??
and then for next week she wants me to tell her how i want to change my life. if i knew how to do that i wouldnt be seeing her!

i know she cant help me if i dont talk and i know i have to be the one to direct where things go and to tell her what i want cos she can only support me not dictate my path for me. but its so hard!! i suck at this. i cant believe im failing at therapy. i have to be really sick and disgusting to be able to make a therapist mad. ok i have to try harder. i have to really try this week to write out what i need and maybe i ll write out my thoughts or memories on some of the things we were talking about this week and see if she will read them rather than me talking. it might be easier for me to talk about something thats already on paper.
i feel really disgusting right now. like i must never get near anyone becaues im too contaminating. just shutting mind off now. wish i could shut off this feeling inside too.

[Christina86]

(((((((((biiv))))))))))

You are nothing you've said. You're having a hard time voicing things you feel - that is normal. (At least it is for me too).

I do recommend printing off your post and writing anything she says question-wise and answering them on paper and bringing it with you the next session.

Sometimes they can be really pushy, but they do try to get you to talk.

I don't think she's mad at you or that she thinks you're nuts. Therapists have days too when they can't think of the right word. She's more than likely just concerned for your wellbeing - which is a good thing.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she wants me to tell her how i want to change my life. if i knew how to do that i wouldnt be seeing her!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Instead of telling her how you want to change your life - what about what you WANT to change in your life. It can be something big or something small. No wrong answer. (Like I want to be happy with myself - that is what I want to change and I still don't know how to do it). She'll help you.

Hopefully I've made some amount of sense (sorry, I tend to ramble).

Take care of yourself.

[complic8d]

((((((biiv))))) I understand this so well. When I saw my t the first time after I had last cut (and got stitches and went in hospital), she was angry. I felt so horrible, but I know she was right to be mad, or at least frustrated. I think your t is just frustrated. She wants you to do better. It's a reflection on them I guess. I think it really means they really care, they want so much for us to get better.
And, I agree about writing things for her to read. I do this and it helps alot. Some things I just can't say out loud.
Best wishes to you!

[(JD)]

(((((hugs)))) From my perspective she isn't sick of you... she's very much caring.

Biiv

I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

I don't think she dislikes you at all. I think she wants to help you and support you. She is trying to answer the question, too, about where you want to 'go'. Perhaps she wanted to know if you want to stop throwing up and if you want to learn to eat better. If so, it would be several goals to get started on. Then, you would work on those goals and see how it goes and she would help you with difficulties that come up about them.

Goals don't have to be huge. A goal can be to learn to talk more in session. to get to know yourself better, to feel more comfortable socially, etc...

Hang in there. I think you are doing fine and your therapist is just getting to know you.. and you her..

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
canders7 said:
(((((((((biiv))))))))))
You are nothing you've said. You're having a hard time voicing things you feel - that is normal. (At least it is for me too).

I do recommend printing off your post and writing anything she says question-wise and answering them on paper and bringing it with you the next session.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Great idea to print off your posts.

And you can't fail therapy! Think of it as getting your money's worth. Your therapist must work harder or try a different approach, or just let you sit until you are ready to speak.

I write down the things I cannot bring myself to say. Then I make her rip it up - she can use her own notes for her file.

Maybe your therapist is not the right personality for you. I have in the past felt uncomfortable with some therapists for no other reason except for the "vibes" I have felt (not a logical way of finding a therapist), but if I don't feel right, I don't feel right. I don't try to analyze that; I don't have time. I just look for another therapist.

Therapy is hard. Very, very hard.

I hope things will feel better for you tomorrow.

[biiv]

you didnt ramble at all. thanks for the hugs and support. ((((((((canders))))))))
did you really mean print off this post?? you really think i should be saying things like that to her?? but i sound so mean and horrible in it!
if it is just her being concerned about me though i wish she wouldnt be. cos then i have to feel guilty and concerned about her being concerned and because then i feel maybe i should be concerned about myself.
thanks so much for replying. i ll keep thinking about what to write to her for next week.
take care
biiv

[biiv]

Thanks complic8d ((((((((complic8d))))))))
im sorry you had to go to hospital. hope things are better for you now?
i hate people upsetting people so i hope she isnt frustrated but i think you re probably right.
thanks again.
take care.

[biiv]

((((sky))))
thank you. i almost dont want her to care about me. im really not worth the hassle.
take care

[Christina86]

((((((biiv))))))))

I think you should print off the post. It would give you both something to talk about. She can only help if she knows how you really are feeling.

I understand how it feels to have someone concerned about your wellbeing when you just don't - it's weird. But she does care about you - otherwise she wouldn't be trying to help.

Take care of yourself.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
biiv said:
you didnt ramble at all. thanks for the hugs and support. ((((((((canders))))))))
did you really mean print off this post?? you really think i should be saying things like that to her?? but i sound so mean and horrible in it!
if it is just her being concerned about me though i wish she wouldnt be. cos then i have to feel guilty and concerned about her being concerned and because then i feel maybe i should be concerned about myself.
thanks so much for replying. i ll keep thinking about what to write to her for next week.
take care
biiv

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[biiv]

Thanks Echoes. yes thats what she kept asking. if i wanted to stop and get better. i kept saying yes but i think she was wanting more. there was more i was thinking but i just couldnt get my thoughts organised enough to talk. I ll try to write some of what i was thinking for her and hope i have the courage to show her.
thanks again for replying. i really appreciate it.
take care.

[biiv]

Thanks for replying AlteredState. i get exactly what you mean about 'vibes'. i think its a good thing to go with gut instincts like that sometimes. the thing is as soon as i met this T i got great vibes. i cant believe how much ive been able to talk to her and the things ive been able to tell her already. which is another reason its so distressing if shes frustrated with me or thinks im not trying.
you re right though... therapy is ridiculously hard. and confusing. guess all we can do is keep trying.
thanks again.
take care

[biiv]

hmmm... maybe i can rewrite a slightly watered down version of the post and give that to her... sheesh. i even feel bad asking her to read stuff cos i feel like im asking her to do more than i should be. lol. i know thats silly though.
well anyway. its up to me to fix the way im feeling about this cos otherwise im just wasting my own time and money seeing her if im not doing as much as i can myself too.
thanks for your thoughts canders.
take care.

[January]

((((((((((((((( Biv )))))))))))))))

There have been times I've written a letter to my pdoc or counselor and handed it to her. I couldn't say the important things out loud. It always works for me. Maybe you can try it?

Hugs,

Jan

[Sarah116]

I really can relate! Mine always told me "I can't read minds, so you have to talk with me so I know what is wrong and can help you!" All the time she said stuff like that. Then she eventually got sick of me, I must have had 12 sessions. and then she started playing games and being careless, raised her prices and made careless mistakes on me! Psychologist!

[biiv]

Thanks for the hugs Jan. I will write something out for her this weekend alright. i write a lot better than i talk.
hugs for you too
biiv

[biiv]

sorry you had such trouble with your T sarah. sounds like she really let you down. i really need to try to make sure i dont make her too sick of me cos i really need her help to sort myself out.
thanks for replying. hope you have a T you can work with now.
take care
biiv

[imere2help]

hi, i hope ur doing ok?
when i first started therapy i couldnt talk at all i know,...its soooo hard but wot my therapist did woz talk through someone else, like (my person) was called laura and she used to ask me how laura fely n stuff n it really helped!
Just an idea but it mite make it easier?

Take care of yourself
Lacy

[biiv]

just wanted to thank everyone for your advice and support and to say that when i saw my t this week it went sooooo much better. she was so proactive about suggesting things that made total sense. bit of a breakthrough i guess. and she assured me she wasnt mad at me which was great too. i did get stuff written out for her and had questions and things but didnt even get a chance to show or ask her cos what she was saying was so fascinating and spot on. i told her at the end i had planned to ask her though and she said to ask next week. i feel much much better than i did.
thank you all.
biiv

[Perna]

That's great biiv that things went so much better at your last session.

I use to write letters to my T for years. Funny thing is I started with greeting cards, found one that expressed how I felt while she was away for a long vacation and sent that. That made me feel really good/better while she was away. So I started looking for cards that expressed me :-) and blank cards I could write notes/letters on with a line or two about how I felt. It was easier to send her things in writing rather than tell her things face-to-face but I knew she read them so that helped a bit in the face-to-face (even though we didn't usually discuss what I'd sent). I got going with longer letters and dreams, etc. and cards for major holidays (you should try finding your T an appropriate card for Mother's or Valentines Day, that will get your heart and brain working together to help with expressing what you think and feel :-)

I use to have trouble with my T's frowns too but then found out she was usually just concentrating/thinking and trying to understand so I quit worrying about them and whether they were "negative" or not. Anytime she got "that" look I just waited expectantly for something good/interesting/helpful to drop out of her mouth (instead of a toad :-) and paid especial attention to what she said "next."

[biiv]

Thanks Perna,
I think you re probably right about "that" look. it really freaks me out though. will have to work harder at rationalising it.
i was thinking of sending her a christmas card but feel maybe she might not want to hear from me outside sessions or might think i was being weird / dependent / too needy / expecting something/ etcetcetc. think i ll just send her one anyway and judge the reaction later to see if it oversteps the bounds or whatever.
thanks again for your reply.
take care
biiv