Amy's Daily Journey

hope youre doing well

Thank you for such an amazing post.

Thank you so much, Amy. I think of you a lot too.
I am ok thanks - my son returned safely yesterday after the horrible situation on Friday evening. I have had an upsetting weekend but I will be ok. I am trying to separate myself because I know I don't deserve this and I am only trying to be a good parent, wife, etc and do the right things. I feel abandoned by my T but I have also put this into perspective and I will talk to her when I see her next which unfortunately isn't for another three weeks. Which Was the reason I reached out to her! Actually this whole weekend has made me re evaluate a lot of painful issues so I guess that's actually positive.

I am sorry to hear you're overwhelmed by tiredness but glad to hear you are finding good things to do when you have the energy.

Much love.

Thank you so much for your support.

"Day #18

It's Day #18. It's Mother's Day here in the US. So to all moms out there: Happy Mother's Day!

When I was thinking what to write today, I had a little bit of writer's block because there are a thousand things I want to say, but I am sometimes uncertain what is good to share and what better remains with me. And there are so many questions still that you asked me that I haven't answered, so perhaps for today, let me answer some questions:

What is your favourite ice cream?
I love tangy yogurt ice cream. But not what the Americans call Frozen Yogurt, because that really isn't like yogurt at all. I like the German variation where yogurt ice cream actually tastes like yogurt. A little tangy, a little sour, a little sweet.

What was the most exciting thing you ever did?
Bungee Jumping! Yes, I always wanted to do it and it was awesome. I also climbed the Gran Paradiso after I saw a movie about a group of people climbing it. It's 4061 meters high and took us 3 days to reach the top.

Tell us more about your family, Amelia!
Well, this is a difficult topic. And it's very difficult for me to write about it. Obviously there is no (voluntary) contact to my parents. My siblings are all grown up now as well (the youngest one is 19 and the oldest is 36) and they have families of their own. I have 8 nephews and 7 nieces between the age of 1 and 14 years old. Some of them I have never met.

How did you become a Christian?
I will make this very short: Tried to kill myself, stopped short of making the final step, reached out to a friend, met a friend of hers who was a Christian, thought she was crazy, but was intrigued, asked God for a real sign, got my real sign, had to admit there was no logical explanation, started to pray and Whoops - Christian!

Do you like to read?
Yes, I do. Mostly fiction - I love mysteries. But more than to read I love to listen to someone else read to me. I love listening to Audiobooks or Radio plays. I am a big big fan of Paul Temple Radio plays. I love his wife Steve and her love for hats

Why do you hardly ever complain about your misery?
Well, first of all, it's not all misery and second of all, I am not the center of the universe and not everything is about me. Complaining is fine and of course I whine sometimes but it never really takes me over. It's exhausting for me to complain or to whine because it has a lot of frustration. When I complain about something that I can't do anything about, then it causes me more grief, more disappointment, more frustration and it just generally makes things worse. So I complain a little and whine a little and have little pity parties every now and then, but then I make a decision to stop and find something better to do.

Where did you learn to write?
In school, when I was six years old. Haha..

Are you happy, Amelia?
No, of course I am not happy. I would be happy if I could live and not be sick.
But I definitely have moments of pure happiness and they are very very precious to me.

Hm, there are more questions, but I think I'll leave it at this for now.

Have a great day, everyone.

Much, much love,
A"

"A"....

I wanted to tell you "Happy Mother's Day!"... There are alot of women who are not "biological" mothers who have mothered people throughout their life at different stages and different ages of "children"...

for me.... I have two women who I think of every Mother's day who were not my biological mother.... one is an older woman who lived down the road, who did not have children of her own, who was like a substitute grandmother to me.... and one is the pastor's wife at our church who let me and my sisters be at her house all of the time when we were teenagers....who was like the mom I didn't have....

I know that throughout your life A, you have mothered numerous people.... like the girl with the pens... and therefore, you deserve to celebrate Mother's Day too!

You said this earlier. I am not being critical, but I am wondering what you get out of writing here each day? Does it help you in some way? Just curious.

Yes, of course I am getting out a lot of writing every day! Why would I do it if not because it helps me, because it makes me feel connected, because it makes me feel just a tiny bit important, because it's a challenge I want stick to each day even when I don't feel like it?
And it also helps me to update a lot of people at once instead of responding to many individual emails which would wear me out.
And of course I do it so I don't feel alone, so people are with me, if only in spirit. It has a lot of very selfish reasons.
And I am so not ashamed of it AT ALL.
When is it more understandable that I need people with me in life than right now? When is it more okay to want love and empathy and support than right now?

But writing this every day also has a lot of unselfish reasons. If my writing helps someone, then that is great. If it makes someone think, that is great too. The emails have connected people, built new friendships, new support systems, new hope for some, new challenges for some. It has brought someone out of a deep depression, it has helped another one to find the courage to address an issue she avoided for years.

Whatever it's good for, either for me or for someone else - I will keep writing because I like to do it And I am going to soak in all the good things that come from it.

PS: These letters here are originally emails I write to a group of friends all over the world. It helps them to know how I am doing and it helps me to know they are there. I share them here because it is easier than responding to too many messages or having people ask other friends on here whether I am ok.

Amelia

"Day #19

I'll make it short today.

I feel hurt, so today I am going to just say:

I am still breathing, I woke up this morning, I will try to eat something and not get angry at my nurse again. I am tired most of the time and sleep a lot. I am afraid a lot. I am in pain a lot. I feel lonely a lot.
This is the raw reality of my Now.

I want to write all these things about why I feel hurt and why it hits me on a very deep level, but well, I neither have the energy nor the desire to explain myself. If right now, being in the position I am in, some people think its important to tell me that I am too self-involved, then I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Well today it made me cry.

I hope you are all well, have a great start into this new week.

Much love,
A"

Dearest Amy - Please, please take good care of yourself today and know that you are cherished by many people. You are amazing and I love reading your daily posts - full of inspiration and extremely thought provoking. I can feel your pain today and I just wish I could take your pain away.

Please rest and do something special - just for you.

Sending healing love to you, dear Amy.

Please keep posting.

aaa

Gentle hugs to you. Try to embrace the many friends you have here. and worldwide, and let that ignorant person who hurt you, go. You are a beautiful and generous, wise and loving person whom we love.

Thank you for getting back to us anyway- I love your posts, can't even express what they mean to me.
Take good care

I WAS sleeping. Now I am awake. 9:45 is a very good time to get up, yes? I think so too.

Other than that, I'm sorry you're feeling hurt today. It was really crappy of that person to say that to you. Sometimes things are crappy. And you know that it's really that person holding a mirror up to you and really just seeing their own reflection and responding to that (sort of like I was yesterday), but really there is no excuse, and I know that doesn't make it hurt any less. So, you are allowed to feel hurt and sad and upset about what that stupid person said to you. That's "real", apparently. (You and Paul are ridiculous in your worship of authenticity, but I love y'all anyway - also, I love saying y'all, although you know I have never been to any other southern state in my life.)

I will see you in a few minutes.

Also, note how you end most of your posts. I was going to sign off that way too, but then checked myself. I do have a filter.

I just wanted to clarify that I did not send any message and never have sent a message like that. I asked the question I did purely out of curiosity because I have attempted to start blogs over the years expressing myself and didn't find it very helpful. I also don't find posting my issues here very helpful. I am glad to see that it IS helpful to some people.

I've also been doing a lot of deep thinking about whether or not it is true that pretty much everything we do is an attempt to elicit a response from someone else. I'm still not sure what to think about that. It's kind of depressing to think that everything we do, good or bad, is an attempt to manipulate other people.

I think this thread might be triggering to a lot of people in which case they should just ignore it.

A

I am so sorry you feel so alone. I know everybody says they are there for you but I can understand why you feel that way. The reality is that while we are all here to share in your journey and learn from all your wisdom and compassion the reality is this is YOUR journey and this is something that is only happening to you. Most people don't know how to deal with death (I am one of them) and unfortunately, you have no choice.

If you feel like being angry and venting we are here for that as well. Even if we feel uncomfortable oh well. Part of being there for somebody mean being there in the good times and bad. It isn't about only hearing about the good and funny things. If people think that makes you self absorbed oh well for them.

I never said you did!!! Not at all. And people here need to remember that my posts here are emails I send to an email list, I just copy them here.
I shared my post in reply to you with the email list, without even telling them what was said or what it was in reply to. I never share anything that people say here with someone outside.
In response to that message I sent to the email list, I received a message back from someone telling me what I wrote in my post today.
So to clear this up, I never said someone from here wrote this!! Or that it was anybody's fault on here. NEVER!

And I mainly talk about me, not about people in general. I make sure I say things like "I think" or "Perhaps". And I never said we do everything in life to manipulate other people, that was not what I said or meant at all.
I was talking about why I kept holding on to things, why I needed some things to keep because I needed what it gave me.
It was about how I am letting go, not that people in general have to let go.
Yes, if this thread is triggering people, then they are free to stay off it.

But I seriously am considering now whether I should stop posting my daily letters here, because it seems it can lead to confusion or to people feeling bad about what I say and that was never my intent.

Ok. I wouldn't want to cause any hurt. And I'm really confused because it seems like some stuff has been deleted. And if my posts need to be deleted that is fine too.

A,

While I really hope you don't stop posting I can understand if you do so...hugs !!

The admins deleted and edited some posts because it seemed I was disclosing things from a private message on here (which I wasn't) and because it seemed I was talking badly about another member on here (which I really didn't) and because it just caused confusion because I didn't make things clear enough.
I will make sure to avoid confusions like that and I am very sorry!

I'll try to help clear things up about the edits and pulled posts.

There was an assumption made, not only by some members but also by some team members that what AmysJourney had posted was about a PC member. It is clear to us now that this is not the case and we apologize for any inconvenience we created when taking our actions.

It is clear that a member(s) thought they were being accused of being unsupportive. This is why it's so very important to make sure in any posting that anyone makes, if they are discussing what someone said to them, that it's made very clear that it's not about a PC member right up front.

We understand that there was absolutely no intention of anyone having hurt feelings or posting against guidelines.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.


sabby

If someone said you are too self involved that says more about them than you, I hope you can realize that. It is a cruel thing to say and meant to be hurtful, not helpful, considering the circumstances.

It doesn't mean anything about you at all, it was just someone preying on an easy target for their malice.

Amelia...
We haven't "met" yet, but I have been reading and following your journey.
I, for one, am honored that you are willing to share your story with perfect strangers - that takes a huge amount of courage and strength, and I appreciate what a risk it might feel like sometimes (being that this is my first post and I've been a lurker for a REALLY long time!)
Do what makes you feel good and know that taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for YOU!
Always in my prayers...
PPP

Amy,
PLEASE don't stop your daily messages to us, for everybody's sake. If people don't want to read them, they can ignore them.

I would miss your messages VERY much. And, like someone else has said, although we can't be with you physically, we ARE "here" for you, and for each other, and for ourselves.

please dont stop writing it would break our hearts and whoever said that to you.....we cant say what we really think but we love you ♥

This is important to you! You wanted your voice to be heard. Sometimes when we speak up, other people get scared or angry or frustrated, but that doesn't mean we should be quiet. What you write about is important because you have made a conscious decision not to be made to feel powerless and quiet so as to protect yourself from the cruel comments. You are being brave being so authentic especially when you have been hurt in the past by someone attacking your intent/truth. Some people may find that hard to deal with and maybe not all your words will match everyone's experiences, but that's because they are not their words but yours. Your truth.

I hope you continue to do the opposite and make yourself heard. Because quite obviously many of us have been listening. If you stop, let it be because it is right for you, no matter what.

I'm sad that you feel hurt & that your having to explain yourself - I'm pretty sure it's the last thing you need.
Amelia please ignore any mean comments from petty minded people. We all love your posts & I feel privileged to be sharing in your journey. However, you have to do whats best for you & if you feel not posting is better then so be it.

Look after yourself & don't let anyone get you down. Sending lots of positive energy your way