One off the problems I have in therapy is the fear that T will laugh at me. She often asks me if my mother ever laughted at me? I say that there were instances of these silly little laughs mum would do when I was trying to get close to her, but somehow the issues seem's bigger than just that.

I always feel that when the session is over, that T is glad I've gone and smiles a smile of relief to see the back off me. Even last week at our last session before the xmas break, as I left I turnt to her and said "Have a nice xmas" and she replied "Yes, thank you and take care" but I still feel/felt as if what she were really saying was "Thank god I'm rid off you for a while"

This has been going over and over in my mind, because I KNOW thats not how she is, unyet the feeling is so strong in my mind. Then I remembered where that fear comes from. Growing up my adoptive mother would tell me my adoption story. How my birth mother (an alcoholic) couldnt wait to get rid off me and as she handed me over, she laughed and said "thank god for that, now buy me a drink"...

Now at least, I can talk about this with T after the holidays, and hopefully put it to rest. But this clouds my relationships. I see that senario in every relationship I have. How scary is it that we do projecty our past into our future that also clouds our today.

I just too also think that how my birth mother reacted to giving me up was "truth" in as much it was a relief for her. But I am thinking now just how much in denial she must have been to her own true feelings!

Transference in action in all it's might!

[wisewoman]

I am sorry your mother chose negative language to speak about you birth mom. Giving up a child is never an easy thing to do.

[Perna]

Wow, Mouse, what a thing to learn. I don't think it gets solved all at once or completely but telling/talking to your therapist when she gets back should help a lot. I have a sort of similar story.

My aunt, my father's sister told me that when my mother was in the hospital and was operated on, brain surgery, they opened her up and then realized there was nothing they could do, she was going to die. My aunt says my father and she were talking one night after my brothers and I were in bed (I was just 2) and my father said, "If we had known that, we wouldn't have had Perna." I've worked very hard to reframe that to mean, "We are so glad we didn't know or we wouldn't have had that wonderful child" :-) but I'm sure you can see what I actually thought. I don't think people will laugh at me but I'm sure uneasy about whether they want me around!

I hope your T says something "just right" and wonderful to you when you tell her what you've figured out; something that will stick with you so you can remember it when you're feeling people might laugh. I have over time figured out I'm "stronger" than my feelings so I do stuff anyway and get more experience with people "enjoying" me (my husband's wonderful expression) and knowing that I really don't care what the "masses" of people in the street think of me, I have the good friends and relatives, the people I truly like and they like me back and the relationships over time are comfortable.

[January]

(((((((((( Mouse & Perna )))))))))))))

Grownups don't realize how they can hurt children with their words. I'm so sorry this happened to both of you.

Hugs,

Jan

Perna, Thank you for sharing "your story" it has helped me a great deal.

January, yes grown ups should get advice from children before they open their mouths at times LOL...out of the mouths of babes springs to mind...

[Brookester]

dear mouse, I think you have a bone to pick with your adopted mother. how insensitive and cruel could she be to repeat the words of your birthmother? That is some of the harshest most damaging words yet! Your issues appear to revolve around the adopted mother essentially since she is the one who relayed this infomation and the one who would make the laughter or smirks. No wonder you feel the way that you do around the T. It is a wonder that you trust anyone in an authority position. Do the processing and confront your adopted mother. Best of Luck!

[(JD)]

(((mouse)))) That you have realized, perhaps with help from T, that this impression that ppl and T are laughing at you stems from your mother...well that's progress!

When I first began therapy my PTSD had me wired tightly regarding any negative response (negative in MY mind) and T had to be very selective with his words just so I could "hear" what he was saying. He has helped me tremendously to where we can actually jest with each other from time to time.

I know you know your fears about the T are unfounded. They don't apply to T, but to your mom. I know this will work out for you...good idea to discuss it more with T.

TC ((((hugs))))

Brookester, yes most of the issues so surrend the adoptive mother....she's 80 yrs old now and until recently still continued to pass her shame over to me...but because of thereapy I was able to stick up for myself and say "you know what mum? I ain't all bad"...man did that stop her in her tracks lol...she's never disrespected me since that day about 8months ago...I no longer wish to "attack" her verbally like I use too...infact I feel pity for her...what kind of life and lack of caring must she have had? that doesn't mean I excuse her, but at least I have some understanding...and your point about not trusting authority figures is a very important point...your right...I didn't and don't ....I'd not connected those 2 things together before thanks that has given me some food for thought.....as recovering alcoholic myself I even struggled to trust AA :-(

and sky yes I can be wired so tight also and I think tell myself I am hearing or reading things that are not really being said :-(

thanks for all the replys. been a very useful thread for me.

((To All))

These kinds of honest and open discussions are why I love PC. They help me realize I'm not alone and that we often have more in common with one another than we think.

My parents' marriage was loveless, mean and sometimes volatile. Growing up I heard over and over that I was the last chance to carry on the family name. That made me feel the only reason I was born was a last-ditch attempt for a boy to carry on the name and I felt unwanted, unneeded, a waste of their effort, an undesirable gender, and born with a responsibility regarding the name (I lived up to that by having a son without being married; he will continue the family name now).

I have laughed inappropriately many times. I probably appeared to be uncaring, insensitive, and self-centered at those times when actually I was afraid of my real feelings or didn't know how to express them. Laughter can be a cover for deeper feelings, Mouse. It can cover feelings a person is afraid to allow. Your birth mother might well have been very distraught inside, yet she had the compassion and love to do what she thought was best for you. Laughter can be false bravado; I imagine giving up her baby was not at all an easy thing for her.

I'm so glad you are going to talk to your T about what you are feeling. It is so good to get things like that out into the open.

I'm glad you're here Mouse.


ECHOES

[Hopefull]

My sister laughs when she is nervous. So the previous post is accurate in that laughter can be a sign of false bravo or some other emotion. Also, the laughter says more about the mother rather than about you. She didn't know you. She just laughed for some reason. She may have been so desperate for a drink from having to go without during the pregnancy that her addiction might have made her act stupid. In other words, you will probably never know what was going through her head unless you can ask her. So, I'd try to show yourself and fight like hell to convince your brain that your T won't laugh at you.
I keep telling my T that she is not allowed to leave for a while. She keeps telling me that she has too many clients to leave any time soon. But, I keep fantasizing about her walking out of my life. Ironically, I had this same fantasy a week before my old T changed offices to an office that I can't get to on the bus. Then my psychiatrist left. So I know what you mean when you say that you know the thought is unfounded. Even when it is unfounded, it is still hard to get it out of your head.

[Perna]

One of the best things I ever did for myself (accidentally I think :-) was learn to laugh at myself, inside my own head. There are often things I think that I then realize are funny and that extends to when I realize what another person "sees" is not what I mean or looks ridiculous because they don't have enough information (because I usually haven't shared enough of myself) and I laugh at what they're stuck with looking at. I go from thinking things just in my head to saying what I think and explaining, getting it outside of me because I find it so funny and want to share what's funny. Sometimes it seems to be at my "expense" but usually I can tell the difference; they're laughing because the "story"/situation is funny, not in a negative way at me (yes, I too am funny but that's not the same as being laughed "at" because I am a loser which is what we all fear I think :-) Over the years I built up the reputation of being amusing to listen too! I'm a comedienne and other people enjoy being around me because my "bizarre" thinking in entertaining and I love entertaining/making others laugh so sometimes I deliberately ham it up and exaggerate or come to even more bizarre conclusions! I can laugh at myself and, at the same time, get out my puzzled questions/misunderstandings and get someone to "help" me understand what it is I have "wrong." I mishear things a lot and it's second nature to me to say to my husband (whom I can trust), "Oh! I thought you said __________ !" and that gets it outside myself where I can "see" it and look at where my mistake was. He does the same for when I say something that doesn't make sense to him. His reactions to me serve as a good mirror for me so when I'm with others I know what to be careful of and if I make a mistake I know how to work with it and solve whatever problem I may have caused in the other person not understanding or thinking well of me. I slow down or think before I speak and get what I want to say organized (always a good idea but not one I follow well yet) and I just get more practice. I started doing the same at work with my coworker friends and "playing" with them/listening to their comments about me, etc. Gradually I've been able to expand my world beyond its more narrow focus of how "wrong"/"bad" my idiot stepmother thought I was. Friends love and enjoy me and that's what I didn't have before, that knowledge (I've never had many friends but even with the friends I had, I never understood "why" my friends liked me or were friends, didn't understand what it meant and how to use and enjoy a friend to help myself). Having a cohort around me like that helps when I "go out" into the larger world with my other interactions.

[Sarah116]

If your T would ever laugh at you GET BACK AT THEM! Put a whoppie cushion on their chair, give them a shocking pen, stick your foot out when they walk past you, tickle them, say "HA ha ha yea it is a lot more fun being me!" or "If you think that's funny you must be living a really boring life." or "That's not funny that is not even in the same zip code as funny!"

[biiv]

omg. mouse thank you so much for posting this. i feel like ive been punched in the stomach. my breath is literally taken away. its so simple i cant believe it just clicked. my dad told me a few months ago he resented me and my sister being born and i just nodded cos i knew it already. it didnt phase me. but now i just connected that to why i always believe in my heart that no one wants me or to be around me. why im always suspicious and dismissive of people who do seem to want to know me. omg. i feel sick and light headed. this feels huge. no wonder. no wonder at all. wow. and wow again. sitting here dumbfounded...

((biiv))