[Jordy]

Sorry for being my whiny self, but I've been struggling all week... and feel like I can't take it anymore. I won't pretend I was better off before I started therapy, but at least back then I could use my coping skills... yes I was harming myself, but at least I got some short term relief. Now I feel like T is taking all these away from me one after the other, but doesn't give me any healthier ones... Ok this isn't exactly true, I have a lot I can use during daytime. But I've got nothing for the evenings when trying to fall asleep and the flashbacks are creeping in. This is the first time all week I'm trying to get some sleep while being sober and I just can't... but need to be up for work in 6 hours!!! And if tonight goes like the pas few nights I'll have nightmares in addition to the flashbacks... I so wish I could drink myself to sleep without hearing T's disapproving voice in my head.

I don't know if I can make it to group tomorrow, but if I do I worry I will be so aggressive towards T it may not be worth it. But at least she'd have some warning that our session on friday is going to be tough: I've got a party planned that night and want to drink myself into oblivion, but she won't approve... All I want is to escape this hell and apparently I'm stuck...

Again sorry for being this whiny, but I'm tired, need to sleep and I can't even lay down without having flashbacks...

[Leah123]

Sometimes accepting my flashbacks when I lie down to sleep is my solution. I let them play out, I experience the pain, confusion, fear, etc. and I promise myself that I will do something nice if I have nightmares that wake me up, but that I'm going to get some sleep in the meantime. It's like lying down to sleep in a burning building, but I do it anyway, and it helps.

I also sometimes find a playlist of sleeping songs to help, lullabyes, soft rock, just my personal favorites, like this one:

(Owl City, Fireflies)

Big hugs, I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you recognize you have some coping skills, let that give you hope that you'll gain more and be able to sleep better soon.

[Jordy]

I'm really scared of accepting flashbacks, I know the worst is over, but I worry I may hurt myself during a flashback. Don't want to go in any detail as it may be triggering, but I know that if I lose control I'll end up in the ER.

I've already tried listening to music, made a special playlist and all, but i absolutely can't sleep without my earplugs. I wish I could as it would make things much easier, but the slightest noise scares so much at night...

And yes, I hope someday I'll be able to go to sleep without it being such a big deal.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Jordy

I'm really scared of accepting flashbacks, I know the worst is over, but I worry I may hurt myself during a flashback. Don't want to go in any detail as it may be triggering, but I know that if I lose control I'll end up in the ER.

I've already tried listening to music, made a special playlist and all, but i absolutely can't sleep without my earplugs. I wish I could as it would make things much easier, but the slightest noise scares so much at night...

And yes, I hope someday I'll be able to go to sleep without it being such a big deal.

Your fear of accepting flashbacks is a symptom. It's the disorder. That voice keeps you from being healthier. I hope soon you won't listen to it and will find solutions, tools to take good care of yourself if you fear self-harm, a definite priority a good trauma t should be able to work on with you sooner than later. I know there can be a lag between opening up about trauma and being able to deal with it, so I'm sorry it's so rough right now.

[Jordy]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Your fear of accepting flashbacks is a symptom. It's the disorder. That voice keeps you from being healthier. I hope soon you won't listen to it and will find solutions, tools to take good care of yourself if you fear self-harm, a definite priority a good trauma t should be able to work on with you sooner than later. I know there can be a lag between opening up about trauma and being able to deal with it, so I'm sorry it's so rough right now.

It's especially rough right now because T won't work on the trauma with me. She absolutely refuses to go near that subject as long as I still live at the place it all happenned in. I kind of understand why she does this, but in the meantime I'm hurting here and every time she basically says: Sorry, nothing I can do...

I'm so tired of that attitude and think I'll need to discuss it on Friday.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Not sure if this might help, but what about trying a guided meditation when you lie down? Without putting any pressure on yourself to go to sleep? Or even, a friend of mine used to not be able to sleep and what she found helpful was listening to something like Harry Potter on tape, or you could try podcasts from very relaxing radio shows - she would find that she would doze off in the middle of it.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Jordy

It's especially rough right now because T won't work on the trauma with me. She absolutely refuses to go near that subject as long as I still live at the place it all happenned in. I kind of understand why she does this, but in the meantime I'm hurting here and every time she basically says: Sorry, nothing I can do...

I'm so tired of that attitude and think I'll need to discuss it on Friday.

I hope you'll get out soon. You can't heal a wound if you keep reopening it.

[Jordy]

I know, but won't be able to move out for a while...

Right now I'm trying to keep my mind busy with word association games. Hopefully that will work

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Jordy

I know, but won't be able to move out for a while...

Right now I'm trying to keep my mind busy with word association games. Hopefully that will work

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

What prevents you from leaving?

[Wysteria]

Hey Jordy,

I get terrible nightmares and terror and sweats and such...not every night as I'm going to sleep, so this may not help you...

One thing and old T helped me with was the recurring nightmares (for me of being chased and tortured etc in tunnels..) Anyway, she convinced me that everynight, as I lay down to sleep, to think of detailed weapons or whatever with which I could fight off or hide or escape the dream monsters and all that they did. She empowered me. I don't know if that would help, but you might try it for a while...and the ability to get to cache of extra weapons that I knew might be helpful...

The second thing that helped was quite by accident. Am on a very high dose of antidepressants. So I started taking 100 mg in the AM as I'm supposed to, but in order to not wake up so sad, I thought...let's take the other 50 mg at night. It has helped a fair amount unless I'm under a whole lot of emotional stress...AND it has calmed the nightmares unlike any of the other medications that we had tried for them....

Just two little ideas...take or leave or talk to pdoc and see what they think..
Best wishes...I know this is horrid and the lack of good sleep just re-cycles the anxiety into the nightmares etc.

Gentle hugs...sleep with the angels,
WB

[kororain]

I'm sorry. I understand. {{{hugs}}}

[Wysteria]

Hey Jordy,

I get terrible nightmares and terror and sweats and such...not every night as I'm going to sleep, so this may not help you...

One thing and old T helped me with was the recurring nightmares (for me of being chased and tortured etc in tunnels..) Anyway, she convinced me that everynight, as I lay down to sleep, to think of detailed weapons or whatever with which I could fight off or hide or escape the dream monster men and all that they did. She empowered me. I don't know if that would help, but you might try it for a while...and the ability to get to cache of extra weapons that I knew might be helpful...I think an animal to call, since normally are not judgmental, and the protection they might offer would help.

The second thing that helped was quite by accident. Am on a very high dose of antidepressants. So I started taking 100 mg in the AM as I'm supposed to, but in order to not wake up so sad, I thought...let's take the other 50 mg at night. It has helped a fair amount unless I'm under a whole lot of emotional stress...AND it has calmed the nightmares unlike any of the other medications that we had tried for them....

Just two little ideas...take or leave or talk to pdoc and see what they think..
Best wishes...I know this is horrid and the lack of good sleep just re-cycles the anxiety into the nightmares etc.

Gentle hugs...sleep with the angels,
WB

[Jordy]

Originally Posted by Leah123

What prevents you from leaving?

I can't afford it because I don't have a full time job... I'm trying to find one but it's not that easy...

Originally Posted by Wysteria

One thing and old T helped me with was the recurring nightmares (for me of being chased and tortured etc in tunnels..) Anyway, she convinced me that everynight, as I lay down to sleep, to think of detailed weapons or whatever with which I could fight off or hide or escape the dream monster men and all that they did. She empowered me. I don't know if that would help, but you might try it for a while...and the ability to get to cache of extra weapons that I knew might be helpful...I think an animal to call, since normally are not judgmental, and the protection they might offer would help.

I will try something similar, all my nightmares are about my family treating me badly, so I will try to think about what I can do to defend myself. Not sure if it will help, but it's worth a try

Thanks for your advice, it really means a lot not to feel alone in this.

[Jordy]

I had group tonight, which ended up not really being group as there were only two of us, and I get along very well with the second girl that was there. This allowed me to be much more honest than I usually am in group, and when T asked how I was doing I fessed up to drinking every day last week to be able to sleep.

Well the same old discussion came out: I need to move, and she feels like I'm not doing everything I can to move because somehow part of me still wants to stay at home. She also admitted to not understanding that part of me, but that we really have to work on it asap, that I can't go on like this.... She also wants me to try and get into a group home, but I don't see a point as according to the website I don't qualify, and even if I did, I'm so freaking scared I don't know how to do this!

I feel so stuck in my golden and don't know how to get out of this mess and lately I feel like T isn't helping me... I know she wants to, and tries really hard, but there's no easy way out...

[Wysteria]

Hey Jordy...

I can certainly feel your frustrations and fear of change... It is terribly scary... I understand. really.

I guess it makes me wonder...if YOU were YOUR T, and you saw yourself stuck in destructive patterns, circling around in frustration and pain, making the same mistakes, being hurt and thwarted, what would you do?

She has the advantage of not being as emotionally connected and attached to things as you are. She has seen how certain things like say group homes or partial inpatient/outpatient...can break a cycle or break a pattern....by forcing you into a different schedule and being around people that are supportive and/or going through similar changes can be extremely beneficial and mean the difference between life and death, literally.
How long should she just be supportive of your drinking and staying in an unhealthy environment for you?...are you not paying her for her advice, wisdom, care and to facilitate change in you? I understand that it appears she is pushing too hard or trying to force your hand, but if she doesn't, and the people around you are not doing the right things by you, what else will help you push through the pain and fear to a different place.

I am NOT saying that she is right or wrong or taking her side or any of those things... I'm just saying...try really, really hard to look past all the normal patterns of thought, the fears and assumptions, be truly creative and think. If not her way, can you come up with another that would radically change the cycle that you are in, to a routine and environment that is safe and healthy and supportive?

All I'm asking is that you think...just think really hard...write lists of pros and cons...options, ideas...think radical change...don't delete anything based on just cost or ease of change....I'll bet some doors will open you were not even aware were right in front of your face. Make calls, ask open ended questions about what might be available...etc.... Don't get discouraged with some dead ends...keep searching like you are in a maze...know that there is a way out. There is.

Stay patient...you are much braver than you give yourself credit for.

Good luck,
- Wysteria Blue

[Jordy]

Thank Wysteria, I really needed to read this!

Actually I'm not really mad at T, but at this whole situation, and yes I'm really frustrated because I feel so trapped and can't see a way out. I know T is pushing me because she truly believes there's a better future for me out there, I know she only wants to help me... but right now I feel like I just can't do my part of the work.

I will try though, I've got the afternoon off, and will use it to think about ways out, apply for a job offer I've seen on Saturday. I also plan on calling that group home just in case, but I'd rather wait until thursday, because I see T on Friday and don't want to be alone in this if I get a negative response.

Will answer more later, need to go to work now...