[HazelGirl]

How do you know if you've got borderline personality disorder?

I have always understood and related to some of the extremes in BPD, such as the "all good/all bad" splitting, and the inability to see past my thought distortions. I also tend to either cling to people or become very distant, often because of tiny things they do that I exaggerate and blow out of proportion. I have huge mood swings, sometimes going between "the world is awesome!" to "I hate everyone and they all hate me" within a few hours. And I have a lot of the empty, alone, misunderstood, anxious, self-loathing feelings of BPD.

But I also don't have the really extreme symptoms. I don't threaten suicide, or have extremely risky behavior. I don't get into fights with people or get easily angered. And I don't regularly cut or self injure, even though I feel like I want to quite a lot. And although I internally react very drastically to relationships, it doesn't tend to actually affect them because I don't let people into those areas of my mind.

And if my T thought I was BPD, I'm not sure she would tell me.

I know a lot of these symptoms also fall under PTSD and my other diagnoses, too.

[atomicc]

How do you know? You're diagnosed. I think that's the only way to truly know. It's possible to have just borderline traits and not full on borderline personality disorder. I relate to a lot of what you said, I don't even qualify for BPD anymore, but it helps to have something to hold fast to I suppose.

Bring it up to your therapist, I don't know why she wouldn't tell you, it sounds like you may have traits or be like myself, a high functioning borderline.
Good luck

[HazelGirl]

Maybe it is just some traits? Hmm.

I don't want to bring it up because my T doesn't know how severe some of my thoughts are because I am worried they would make her concerned, and I don't want to worry her.

[ThisWayOut]

You can find a list of symptoms in the dsm, but generally your therapist or pdoc should be the only ones to diagnose. If you feel you fit some of the symptoms, talk to your t about it. There really isn't much purpose to a diagnosis except insurance payments. If you feel you might benefit more from, say dbt, then you can always just ask about doing it with your t.
I think bpd can taint other provider's views, and it's not exactly a diagnosis I would go looking for unless I needed insurance to pay for a particular treatment. There's still a ton of stigma around bpd with providers. Also, much of it can be better explained by trauma much of the time. I have found many trauma therapies also make use of dbt and cbt, so treatment kinda overlaps already.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Maybe it is just some traits? Hmm.

I don't want to bring it up because my T doesn't know how severe some of my thoughts are because I am worried they would make her concerned, and I don't want to worry her.

Don't forget why you're there, it's to UNburden yourself, not protect her from being burdened. She's a trained professional and can definitely handle you.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

You can find a list of symptoms in the dsm, but generally your therapist or pdoc should be the only ones to diagnose. If you feel you fit some of the symptoms, talk to your t about it. There really isn't much purpose to a diagnosis except insurance payments. If you feel you might benefit more from, say dbt, then you can always just ask about doing it with your t.
I think bpd can taint other provider's views, and it's not exactly a diagnosis I would go looking for unless I needed insurance to pay for a particular treatment. There's still a ton of stigma around bpd with providers. Also, much of it can be better explained by trauma much of the time. I have found many trauma therapies also make use of dbt and cbt, so treatment kinda overlaps already.

My T has taught me a few DBT skills and I have found them extremely helpful. Maybe I need to ask more about them, because I know she knows a lot about DBT.

Originally Posted by Leah123

Don't forget why you're there, it's to UNburden yourself, not protect her from being burdened. She's a trained professional and can definitely handle you.

I am just scared of saying too much too fast. I tell her things in bits and pieces, not all at once because I don't want her to decide I'm too messed up to help.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am just scared of saying too much too fast. I tell her things in bits and pieces, not all at once because I don't want her to decide I'm too messed up to help.

My suspicion about my therapists has always been that they knew a lot more about me than I actually revealed long before I revealed it. Maybe not details, but they were very much in the ballpark. We aren't as mysterious as we think. We tend to wear our issues on our sleeve in therapy. Maybe we haven't actually talked about it, but it is sitting right there pretty much in plain view to our therapists and they are just waiting patiently until we are ready to look at it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

My suspicion about my therapists has always been that they knew a lot more about me than I actually revealed long before I revealed it. Maybe not details, but they were very much in the ballpark. We aren't as mysterious as we think. We tend to wear our issues on our sleeve in therapy. Maybe we haven't actually talked about it, but it is sitting right there pretty much in plain view to our therapists and they are just waiting patiently until we are ready to look at it.

Well, it's true that I only rarely shock or surprise her. I can only think of one circumstance where she was genuinely surprised by what I said. Most of the time she either tells me that she already knew what I am saying (for example, when I told her about the dissociation, she said she already knew I did it), or she nods her head and goes "um hmm" like it makes sense based on what she already knows.

[sweepy62]

I think you should ask her , you definitely show traits, having bpd is like a volcano of emotions with a broken switch lol hard to turn on and off, no emergency brakes no warnings, combine that with bipolar symptoms and some ptsd

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

I guess, like what was said above, it doesn't overly matter except for insurance purposes (which isn't a consideration for me). I recognize those patterns in myself and fight against them as much as I can. So I guess I shouldn't worry too much about it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with ThisWayOut, BPD is not a diagnosis you want to go looking for...in most cases.

Also, symptoms of BPD overlap with other conditions: PTSD, Bipolar, other personality disorders... Even people who aren't diagnosed with mental health condition experience some BPD symptoms. BPD can present in over 200 different ways. I would not suggest trying to diagnose yourself with it.

I have BPD. Everyone has known since I was 18. But NO ONE wanted to give me that diagnosis. When I found my current Pdoc and T, I demanded they assess me and give me my true diagnosis. Even they didn't want to diagnose me with BPD. I had very good reasons to seek the truth which is the only reason why both my Pdoc and T agreed to assess me. Because of all the work I've put into therapy, I no longer suffer from all the symptoms of BPD. So now, I have Borderline Traits.

I think the most important thing is that you find something that helps. You also need to put in 100% effort into getting help. It's difficult, but necessary if you want to see change. Part of that is being honest with your T about your thoughts. It's like going to a medical doctor. How can s/he treat a broken bone if you don't tell her/him?

Whether you have BPD, Bipolar, PTSD, etc., they all have treatment that does work. What I learned is that the professionals need to determine what % of your symptoms are chemical and what % are reactivity. Chemical = medication. Reactivity = therapy. Most of my symptoms are based on reactivity. But some can be and are being improved by meds.

[HazelGirl]

I guess I'm just looking for an explanation as to why I always feel so emotionally volatile and relationally inept. Why is it I am so afraid of people abandoning me ALL THE TIME? Why do I feel like people hate me if they do one little thing wrong? Why am I terrified of getting close to people? Why do I see nothing but how terrible I am when I think about myself, down to the fact that my very voice on a recording or picture in a frame are disgusting to me? These are such extreme reactions to such normal things, and it puzzles me.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I guess I'm just looking for an explanation as to why I always feel so emotionally volatile and relationally inept. Why is it I am so afraid of people abandoning me ALL THE TIME? Why do I feel like people hate me if they do one little thing wrong? Why am I terrified of getting close to people? Why do I see nothing but how terrible I am when I think about myself, down to the fact that my very voice on a recording or picture in a frame are disgusting to me? These are such extreme reactions to such normal things, and it puzzles me.

abandonment is at the top of bpd, i fear abandonment all the time, i think my t is sick of hearing it already, did you ever read the book, i hate you dont leave me. anyway, its so confusing because i dont want her to abandon me yet sometimes i hate her and i want to quit therapy, and sometimes i want her to tell me to f u c k off , then sometimes i want her to tell me I will never give you up, sometimes this happens in the same hour.

[kororain]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I guess I'm just looking for an explanation as to why I always feel so emotionally volatile and relationally inept. Why is it I am so afraid of people abandoning me ALL THE TIME? Why do I feel like people hate me if they do one little thing wrong? Why am I terrified of getting close to people? Why do I see nothing but how terrible I am when I think about myself, down to the fact that my very voice on a recording or picture in a frame are disgusting to me? These are such extreme reactions to such normal things, and it puzzles me.

I feel a lot of those things, but I don't think I have BPD. Were you ever able to control your emotions? I used to be able to, but not as much anymore.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

abandonment is at the top of bpd, i fear abandonment all the time, i think my t is sick of hearing it already, did you ever read the book, i hate you dont leave me. anyway, its so confusing because i dont want her to abandon me yet sometimes i hate her and i want to quit therapy, and sometimes i want her to tell me to f u c k off , then sometimes i want her to tell me I will never give you up, sometimes this happens in the same hour.

I am TERRIFIED of being abandoned. Absolutely petrified that once people get to know me, they will hate me and leave me. I am constantly on the alert for any signs of potential abandonment so that I can prepare myself. I can never relax in the company of others. I'm convinced that one wrong move, one wrong word, and that will be the end of everything good.

And yes, I also relate to the flip side of that, where I want nothing more than for my T to tell me she is sick and tired of dealing with me and has decided she is wasting her time and is done, and then just throws me out without another word. Sometimes, I want that so much because I know she will abandon me eventually, and it's more painful the longer she waits. It's so horribly messed up, but I don't know how to not think like that.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by kororain

I feel a lot of those things, but I don't think I have BPD. Were you ever able to control your emotions? I used to be able to, but not as much anymore.

No, I can't really control my emotions. I can control my reactions to my emotions, but nothing I do seems to help with the intense emotions themselves. I just choose not to act on them.

[kororain]

Oh I see. I think I worded my question poorly. I can't control my emotions either. I just used to be able to control ummm... the face I present to the world. Now, I can't really do that either.

Like, typically I won't be able to make it to the ladies room before I start crying at work. Some days I just cry at my desk because I'm too busy to stop working. I just let tears stream down my face and hope nobody walks over to talk to me.

Last fall it got really bad to the point where I was getting explosively angry at work. Over the top, and out of my control. I'm a little better now. Mostly it's crying, not as much explosive anger. Although, I did scream at a co-worker yesterday. I wasn't mad "at" her, just mad and screaming. I apologized right after. She knew I wasn't mad at her. And she was the one inciting me anyway. She told me this stuff to piss me off, and got the reaction she was looking for.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by kororain

Oh I see. I think I worded my question poorly. I can't control my emotions either. I just used to be able to control ummm... the face I present to the world. Now, I can't really do that either.

Like, typically I won't be able to make it to the ladies room before I start crying at work. Some days I just cry at my desk because I'm too busy to stop working. I just let tears stream down my face and hope nobody walks over to talk to me.

Last fall it got really bad to the point where I was getting explosively angry at work. Over the top, and out of my control. I'm a little better now. Mostly it's crying, not as much explosive anger. Although, I did scream at a co-worker yesterday. I wasn't mad "at" her, just mad and screaming. I apologized right after. She knew I wasn't mad at her. And she was the one inciting me anyway. She told me this stuff to piss me off, and got the reaction she was looking for.

That is so annoying! I hate it when people purposely get under my skin!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I wasn't trying to say you don't have BPD. You very well might have it. And you don't need to have suicidal thoughts or SI to have BPD. 20% of people with BPD don't.

Your current diagnoses would cover most of your symptoms. Then again, BPD can co-occur with your current diagnoses too.

We can't diagnose you. A doctor needs to. But what we can do is help give suggestions for anything you're struggling with. I don't know if you have, but you can always check out the BPD forums here (whether you are diagnosed or not). I was on there for awhile, and got some support for things related to the BPD.

I still suggest informing your T about your thoughts and about BPD.

And I do apologize if my first post came off wrong. I seem to do that a lot, but my intention is only to help and support.

[sweepy62]

Hazelgirl exactly the way I'm with my friend , sometimes I will pick a fight or just withdraw because I'm convinced that she is just sick and tired of being my friend, so before getting dumped , I just leave, then I'm miserable. I leave her all confused.

Most of my relationships have been that way and then throw in the trust issues OMG my friend.

With t , every session I'm thinking she is fed up with my progress I misinterpret her body language , it's horrible but it's bpd it's lack of emotional regulation.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

Thanks for all the info. I will keep all this in mind.

Please HazelGirl try not to take my response negativelyI'm not sure what it would do to help you to know, and yes I've heard the discussion before, especially about this diagnosis. You could be psychologically tested if you want a "more definitive answer." Will knowing get you to connect the dots to move you farther along in your healing? If so, a diagnosis would be a good thing. But, IMHO, I would just stick with battling out the symptoms with your therapist, and do therapy with her.

From what you post, it sounds like you have a Da#%*€ Good therapist, that wants to be there for you.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am TERRIFIED of being abandoned. Absolutely petrified that once people get to know me, they will hate me and leave me. I am constantly on the alert for any signs of potential abandonment so that I can prepare myself. I can never relax in the company of others. I'm convinced that one wrong move, one wrong word, and that will be the end of everything good.

And yes, I also relate to the flip side of that, where I want nothing more than for my T to tell me she is sick and tired of dealing with me and has decided she is wasting her time and is done, and then just throws me out without another word. Sometimes, I want that so much because I know she will abandon me eventually, and it's more painful the longer she waits. It's so horribly messed up, but I don't know how to not think like that.

This is me - but I have never been able to express it until I read this thread. This is just exactly how I feel all the time. What should I do? Should I bring this up directly with her? I don't think she can handle this. She keeps giving me stupid homework about how I feel about myself then this week I have to list reasons I know I am kind because.... I know i am competent because.... I know I am friendly because.... But I know I am none of these things. Well, I know I probably am a bit but I can't bear to hear my voice, see myself in photos - I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH and I am terrified that any little thing anyone says is rejection.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

This is me - but I have never been able to express it until I read this thread. This is just exactly how I feel all the time. What should I do? Should I bring this up directly with her? I don't think she can handle this. She keeps giving me stupid homework about how I feel about myself then this week I have to list reasons I know I am kind because.... I know i am competent because.... I know I am friendly because.... But I know I am none of these things. Well, I know I probably am a bit but I can't bear to hear my voice, see myself in photos - I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH and I am terrified that any little thing anyone says is rejection.

What type of therapy does your T do?

Also, I do think it's a good idea to bring it up. My T has heard me say a million times how terrified I am of her (or others) abandoning me. Sometimes I feel like a broken record because I say it so often.

[someone321]

I was thinking about the same (BPD) with respect to myself and I also thought that my T wouldn't tell me this at least at the beginning... But once, I just wrote down my stupid thoughts and the process of really fast calming down and I sent it to T... Surprisingly it didn't terrify her at all (and I guess it would terrify me if someone else wrote something like that) and she said that it is quite "normal" for people with such experience and that she really doesn't think that I could have BPD as I always control myself very well and I only think about something but I'd never act on it (or even let someone know about it)... But if I was diagnosed with BPD, I guess it wouldn't change much as this label wouldn't change my behavior I guess, so I just stopped "bothering" myself with thinking about 100 different diagnoses which I might have... Because in addition to c-ptsd I see in myself some traits of dd, depression, bipolar, gad etc. and sometimes I am really surprised that my T said that maybe if she had to put any "label" on me for the insurance reasons she would go for dnos but nothing more...
And since I stopped worrying about it - it is better