I hate my T right now after my session

What you wrote makes sense. I don't have that with any one person but I have some of it with different people. I have a couple of close friends. I admit I used my Ts to try to get that. It's my pattern. It doesn't work and makes me feel worse but my T helps with other problems in my life. I'm not ready to quit yet.

I hope you feel better in the next couple of days.

I am feeling exactly the same way, Rainbow. My T is away until September and t has made me face some really painful truths. One good thing is that I can see I have this unmet need now which I couldn't before. It just hurts so so much. I relate. Thank you for being brave and sharing - it is very helpful but I am sorry you are hurting. Take care of yourself.

Thank you. I feel a little better today. I have to stop thinking about my T the way I have been. It's better to think of her as just a professional, but it's so hard because we do have to have a relationship, and she's always been so friendly, in a casual, though professional way. I never seem to be able to find the middle ground, and I have to or I'll continue to go up and down with my feelings about her. I'm on the verge of tears when I think about my situation with her.

Thank you again, aloneandafraid. Yeah, those unmet needs can feel like torture when you have a nice T who "appears" to fill some of them. Maybe stopdog is right that Ts are wily. I guess I thought my T was going to be an important person in my life. She is. I thought I was going to be an important person in HER life too. Which I'm not. I'm crying when I write that. She just wants me to be able to do without her, which has been my stated goal, but I underestimated how painful that was going to be.

Really, Rainbow, I have seen you make SO MUCH progress. It is painful, but you are sticking it out and sticking to your goal despite the pain and that is amazing.

This means a lot to me, mkac. Thank you. I have seen you make incredible progress too.

I think I know what my problem is. When I feel connected to my T, and she is at the same time connected to me (I can tell), it feels so amazing. It doesn't FEEL like therapy. Like when we talk about art. But then the hour is over and reality sets in, except it never totally sets in for me because the session IS real. I suppose this is my black and white thinking. I know it's illogical, but I see it that way. Yet I know she would say that right now she hasn't changed her feelings about me and that we have a good relationship. Therapeutic relationship! And those two words bring on the tears again.

On the contrary, I think your thinking is very logical. You feel a connection (which is quite real, btw, just as you are well aware...and it's excellent you can feel it and see it...and now you can validate it for yourself!) and then it's "over" because your time is up. It's hard to reconcile not being able to continue that connection once the session is over.

I was talking to one of my Ts about attachment vs. connection recently, and I said that my sense of attachment to both of my Ts stays the same (it's pretty healthy and secure), but my sense of connection may change many times within a session and also when I am not in a session...it varies (but it's still there...sometimes just stronger than others) . Having a secure attachment is helpful because I know I don't need to depend on them...and I think you are working towards that, but it's really painful in the beginning.

I second MKAC regarding the progress you have made...I actually joined PC in 2010 (left and came back again a few times, but have always lurked ), and I think you have made such excellent strides, you should be proud!

Just want to thank you for this thread, Rainbow. I relate to everything you describe. It's so painful. Take good care of yourself. You're doing so very well.

What originally brought you to therapy, Rainbow?

What are your goals in therapy (besides work on this attachment issue with the T)? You want to improve your relationship with your husband? Friends?

I stopped therapy almost a year ago because I wasn't going anywhere. I was spinning and spinning in circles,never advancing.

If you stopped therapy, there would be a period of grief for your T, yes, but what do you see beyond that? For years, it seems that a large majority of your life revolves around therapy and your therapist. To some extent life DOES revolve around therapy, because you are focusing on yourself, but it seems to me that so much energy goes towards thinking what your therapist thinks, or what you are feeling towards her.

I have no coherent point, and I agree that you have made a lot of progress with this therapist. I just wonder what you see PAST the therapy? When you thought you had to quit, what were the up and front issues you wanted to work on, or was it more of the same (attachment pattern with T)?

Elsewhere, what a nice compliment you gave me! Thank you very much. You must have had a different "name" then. Do you mind sharing it? It's okay if you don't want to.

Yes, I think I now have a secure attachment to my T but the connection isn't always there. That's why I can cry and say I hate her, but I know how much she cares about me and that when she suggests these limits and changes, I know she's doing it for me, not to hurt me.

Thank you! You take care of yourself too.

My goals in therapy have changed through the years. I was depressed when I began therapy the first time. My best friend told me to go see someone when I said I didn't feel like living. My mother had recently passed away, and I had a lot of social problems too, as well as marital difficulties. I didn't know anything about my pattern then, but I knew something was wrong. I was very shy, and talking to my T was hard. I was totally ignorant about transference, and when it happened, I realized I had just plugged my T into a space where other people, not Ts, had been. I called it a "game", but my T said it was due to unmet needs from my childhood.

She wanted me to talk about my Mom but I didn't want to. So, that was one goal in therapy, to get me to talk about my Mom and her death. Her orientation was psychodynamic, so we were supposed to have a close relationship, then separate slowly. That didn't happen, so I basically saw my next T to get over the first one, at the same time dealing with social issues, my marriage, my anxiety, and my parents.

There were a lot of issues through the years, but the attachment problem resulting in my "addiction to therapy" was the main reason why I kept going.
I dealt with what came up in psychodynamic therapy: my past, shame, growing up, my Mom and Dad, shyness, selective mutism, and having BPD. One of my goals was to "feel" my emotions in therapy. I used to report how I felt during the week and never let myself feel anything, or share my feelings in the moment with my T. I met that goal except for never crying in therapy.

I would have wanted to solve the attachment problem and quit when it didn't hurt so much, when I would accept the therapeutic relationship for what it is, and be able to live without thinking about her so much. I don't think that would have happened, and I'm not sure it will now. My current T has worked with me in different ways from any other; I have learned about mindfulness, breathing, and how to work with my anxiety to calm myself. She's encouraged me to express myself in painting, and to take risks in my life. The SE work is totally different from my years of talk therapy, and is helping me with shame about my body.

TBH, at this point I was hoping that I would have my T in my life until I die. Like maybe see her monthly, at least. I could live 30 more years, but it's possible that I could live only 5 more years or less. Of course no one knows. I don't have any fatal disease but I read people talk about worrying about their Ts dying because of their age, and I'm at that age! I'm such a complainer now, that I would like to have my T around in case real problems of aging come up, which I have no doubt they will. I'm not trying to be morbid, but realistic. My T is a lot younger than I am, so I am hoping that she'll be around to help me if I need it.

On the other hand, I would like to be independent from her so that she's there for me, but I don't react the way I do now. I think it's possible to do that without totally quitting therapy. I haven't resolved all of my problems and advancing in age isn't going to help some of them. I'm afraid because I've never been "old" before, and having T for support sounds comforting to me.

Perhaps I'm in denial, but I'm giving it my best shot to conquer the attachment issues and be able to see my T for the rest of my life, or as long as she is available to me. I'm trying to build my resources and be happy without my T, but not have to give her up. So, to finally answer your question, I DO NOT see past the therapy unless circumstances force me to terminate it.

Well, that was certainly a long response. You made me think, velcro. Thank you!

Perhaps I'm in denial, but I'm giving it my best shot to conquer the attachment issues and be able to see my T for the rest of my life, or as long as she is available to me. I'm trying to build my resources and be happy without my T, but not have to give her up. So, to finally answer your question, I DO NOT see past the therapy unless circumstances force me to terminate it.

I think you nail it here. You want opposing goals: to not need therapy, but to remain in therapy. To not need your T, but to not be independent of her. Sounds like you just want to stop time; maybe it's worth exploring what wanting to stop time protects you from now?

I can relate to that. I would be perfectly happy spending a lifetime in therapy. Yet I still want the skills to not need it.

Does that hold true for you too Rainbow?

I relate to this - this is exactly where i find myself too.

Hi Rainbow,

I understand so well what you are going through, and the pain associated with it. I share many of your thoughts, feelings, and struggles. I don't have the solution, but I can be here for you.

(((((Rainbow)))))),
I am sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you are able to work through this with your therapist, so it isn't so painful. Can you make plans to go out with friends, or do something with your H over the next few weeks so you have something to look forward to? Take care.

It's just a fantasy to stop time! Yeah, it would be nice to stop it so I could not get older, and so I could be sure to be at all of my grandchildren's weddings! It has nothing to do with therapy. The reality is that no one can stop time, of course.

I think my opposing goals make sense. I want to not NEED my T, but that doesn't mean I don't need therapy. I want the option of seeing my T without the heartache involved when my feelings for her interfere. If I can do without therapy, fine. If I have problems, I want to continue. What I can't tolerate anymore is the anguish of the therapeutic relationship when I get triggered.

Yes! For me, it's that I want the skills not to need my THERAPIST, because I can probably manage, though not perfectly, without therapy. On the other hand, I have issues that bother me, and I get triggered by people in my life, so it helps to have a T to help me on an ongoing basis.

It's hard, I know.

Thanks for posting, Peaches. I know you have a lot going on right now.

I'm trying to find things in my life to distract from therapy and my T. I can do that, but I find that the best way is for me to really concentrate on accepting the reality of the therapeutic relationship.

Today I'm sad that my T can't be my friend. If she were, then she would have replied to my comments during the session. They were questions, but I didn't point blank ask them. It was triggering because I don't have the right to know the answers. My T would make a good friend for me, and I hate that we're friendly but can't be friends. I hate that she couldn't think of something to tell me about herself when I asked for something "new" that I didn't know. I didn't want to know that she got a new computer, but something I didn't know about HER. I know it's my problem, the boundary thing again. But it's so hard to sit with someone week after week for 4 years, and not have a reciprocal relationship. I hate that fact more than anything, but I have to accept it. I bet I COULD find something new on FB or google, but I'm not going to.

I'm doing a small art project now, when I can get myself off this forum for a few minutes. I'm okay, just in a crummy mood. I've had several other disappointments this week, which didn't help matters. I still like/love my T; she's doing her best with me and I know I'm challenging. She even told me that once.

I want to thank everyone again for your responses and for the hugs. In the past I never would have been so assertive in asking for what I wanted. This thread helped me to not email my T yet. I want to prove to myself that I don't have to do it, and maybe she's right about being able to internalize the connection without emailing.

It's still hard, though. Not giving up emailing but giving up what I wish the relationship could be. T said try emailing after the first week but I'm going to post here for support not to do that either.

Thinking of you, Rainbow. Keep strong. And keep posting!