He drives me crazy sometimes

It seems like he has on his calendar:

1. 9/09/14 - Skies @ 2:15 - Withhold nurturance
2. 9/16/14 - Skies @ 3:00 - Provide nurturance
3. 9/23/14 - Skies @ 2:15 - Withhold nurturance
4. 9/30/14 - Skies @ 2:15 - Provide nurturance
etc.

I've been trying really hard to think that this is me. But I swear it's not.

When he is more nurturing, I'm more content during the following week, and seem to be more emotionally even. When he is less nurturing, I think about him constantly, contact him more, and have huge transference experiences and insights that I tell him about the following session.

Part of it must be my preoccupied attachment issues. Sometimes it reminds me of how I used to be attracted to 'unavailable men'. I think that happened, in part, because that is was what I was used to as a young child.

Does anyone relate?

Can you tell him exactly what you have here? I hate inconsistency...that would drive me crazy. If you had parents who were there for you and then weren't (my mother was very much like this for quite a bit of my childhood), this has to be especially painful for you.

Yes, I bring it up all the time. Last session, I told him I needed him to be more comforting...he said that if he could comfort me more he would.

Every time I mention inconsistency, he tells me he is consistent. He is for the most part, so maybe it is just that I pick up on subtle differences? It can be his tone, voice patterns, facial expressions and other body language... But I also think everyone is a bit different here and there.

Maybe it IS just me? I'm confused. If it was just me, I could see thinking this around intense emotional experiences, but it's not that way. I think this all the time.

But I've never framed it this way, so maybe I will be more exact next time. Good idea.

Maybe if you can give him concrete examples as you feel it happening? I know that is difficult, though...

hang in there....no great words of wisdom....keeping you in my thoughts

Yes, i'll have to make a plan of that.

It seems like he was somewhat withholding 2 sessions in a row--now I feel so incredibly desperate. It really plays into my issues, and I start to get really submissive and appeasing. Uggg.

And I'm getting sick of being so vulnerable with him all of the time, like when I tell him how desperate I feel. His nurturance feels intoxicating to me...Sometimes it feels like I need it as much as I need water.

Do you think he knows that? So perhaps he does want to be nurturing to you, but then senses your urgent need for it and then pulls back?

I do think its worse if you get it, for example, once...and then don't get it twice in a row. If he was consistent perhaps you wouldn't crave it so much, because it wouldn't feel like you were replaying a loss from your childhood over and over again?

Ugh. That would drive me absolutely nuts! I couldn't handle it!

Yes! I think you really pinned it down. He might be pulling away. He does know this and when I told him of recently of intense needs and thoughts related to closeness, really young child feelings, he wanted to change the therapy up a bit. I know i'm too needy, and he knows this too. How could anyone not feel like pulling back?

Once I felt how good it was, I became addicted because of intense needs from childhood. My mother wasn't necessarily inconsistent, though; she totally neglected me. But she had to have done something right since I am here and alive...not thriving though.

T says what I refer to as sweet and nurturing = love. My last T said I needed to be loved by him too.

And I guess it's not his job to provide that; his role is to help me get better. But to be honest, that is part of the reason I am in therapy--to get some of that nurturing I never got. And I do need to be loved by someone. That's really all I want in life now. Just to be loved by someone special (I don't mean my therapist here). I am still not optimistic about that every happening.

I was just thinking that I didn't tell the whole story, so I don't want to be misleading....

He is always consistently accepting, understanding, attentive, and empathetic. Very active in listening and sharp and always seems interested. It's just the extra moments of nurturing--when he is protective or extra sweet, I leave feeling like I'm melting. I desperately crave this so much.

But I'm also thinking he's not generally as warm and fuzzy as your T, or other Ts. He never says/does some of the stuff I hear here. I'm ok with that, but it when he is like that it feels intoxicating.

I don't know how people can say a therapist's job is easy. I can't imagine him having more than 1 'me' to work with. I must be exhausting to him...

I think it is really hard for Ts when this type of dynamic is at play. They might feel a desire to provide the nurturance that is needed - almost pulled to do so. Yet, my theory is that they know it's not the ultimate goal. Maybe the goal is more to feel loved, yes - but not from our Ts or from anyone else. From within.

You know what the good thing would be about this? No one could take it away from us then

I just want to say I know exactly how you feel and I believe for exactly the same reasons stemming to relationships with men back to my childhood. It's my pdoc, not T, so he is less nurturing by default (and I see him once a month). When I do see him he is always kind, supportive and all that. But when I get just a little extra it's exhilarating, like you say. And when its just a tad less, so disappointing. I don't think its anything about him or his approach, I think it's about my need for male approval. I have no words of wisdom but I can certainly relate to how hard this must be for you...

Ha-wonderful way to look at the bright side of this, Freewilled.

Every response I read, I think "yes, that's it!"....including this and the next one I didn't yet respond to....last T, who I still love and adore, said I naturally elicit those nurturing behaviors from him. I think this therapist doesn't get drawn into my patterns nearly as much as with former T. Which is good for my overall progress and well-being, but not as satisfying.

Anyway, I really like your theory.

Thanks, Lauliza, for sharing and relating. It felt really good to read your thread....my eyes started to tear up. I thought about what you said, and because of my background and history, I think that perhaps your theory is the most likely.


What left me feeling desperate was the 2 sessions in a row w/o the extra nurturance. I was dissociative and had major emotional re-experiences last session, with lots of tears. I hardly ever cry in session but had lots of tears this time. I could barely talk at first, but told him how I feel apart, and all the triggers. And something really scary about my mother. He was very empathetic and helpful, and helped me understand why I was feeling all of these intense emotions and the thoughts...I guess with such an intimate and intense session, I did expect more. At one point I did ask for more comforting, but that didn't change his behavior.

I felt really good afterwards, then had a twinge that something was missing. Thinking about it, I started to feel deprived. So I texted him only a half hour later, telling him I needed a hug so bad. We Skype, so it was so depressing not to have that extra physical comfort. But when he returned text hugs to me, he did it in such a cute way, that it helped me feel a little more content afterwards.

Lots of good stuff in this thread.

Your post is a funny and concise way of describing your situation perfectly.Hope you can share it with T!

I do relate, I struggle in the same way with preoccupied attachment and attaching to emotionally unavailable yet very needy people.
All I can say is just talk about it as much as you can.