Couch 79: Spend some time on Couch 79 (snap, snap)

OK Healed?

Yelling upsets me to such an extent I freeze and can't even think, I have so much trouble sorting arguments with the girls as it takes me ages to come back. By that time the girls have worked something out and I feel like a crap parent.

Yeah, just stressed, overwhelmed, and want to run away.

Can you go out for a while? It must be dark over there now. Can you lock yourself in a room?

No, husband is at the hospital visiting bil..I am on kid duty, though.. It is almost bed time for them.

Thats what i would call a very important distinction. And if they cant tell the difference... well kinda too effin bad. Altho i cant say i love when people do it to me. But then, i dont usually stay mad forever. But then the other person starts playin with me (not in a good way). And then thats when i take my ball and go home. Eventually. Forever. But that was in the old universe. Not in my new alternative unicorn and rainbow universe, where i am just now taking a cool off break from taking out the garbage. What a delightful chore! And no one ever yells at me, cuz everyone luvs me and theyre glad to see me. T has created a monster.

I actually called him about how miserable I have been feeling this week and today in particular. The yelling thing was only a piece of it. He said he had never felt yelled at. He does not dislike me and I am not his least favorite client ever, and he does not dread our appointments. Of course, then he wanted to talk about the deeper issues involved, and he had some really brilliant insights about why the depression is so bad right now, linked to what we are working, that just made total sense, AND gave me a huge insight into why the depression persisted so long, reoccurs so easily, and is so hard to shake. I am not sure I know what the answer is, even with this new insight, but I think finding the answer might get easier now. This man is really freaky good at what he does.

Oooh - Streetcar is on. The young Marlon Brando is definitely alive and well in my alternative universe

I think it is a depressing play. I sort of liked him in Guys and Dolls. Or maybe I like Guys and Dolls and he was in it.

I cant believe Karl Malden is in it. He was old even when he was young.

The family obligations part of our trip is over.... I am glad... it was a serious drain on me mentally. I met my brother in law and his wife who I had never met before, they've been my inlaws for 17 years... and we just met. My h hadn't seen his brother in 30 years. He is estranged from the rest of the family, and my h has been in touch with him via christmas cards and that's about it over the years. first we spent time with his other brother and his gf, then his sister and her husband came over too, i don't get along with his sister, the whole few days was stressful for me. we did drive through Yosemite yesterday, so I got a little bit of recharging in nature but h really rushed us through so we could get to the next leg of our journey. this is a long trip!! meh. H told me tonight that he wants me to go back on meds because of how I've been stressed on this trip. I said NO. I have simply been expressing my feelings to you now that we've left the inlaws, so I don't keep them bottled up, and explode later. I do not need meds. I told him I am doing a HEALTHY thing by expressing my feelings of stress and need to recharge. That I do not want to hold them in and blow up at him later for no reason. I am fine now, we're at our next hotel where we are staying for 2 nights before heading home and I'm already feeling myself recharging in our nice quiet room after all the family stuff. I am proud of myself for telling him, NO I do not need to go back on meds I just need to recharge being so social is not easy for me combined with a long car trip and bad weather etc etc. I still want to get home to my desert though.. that will complete my recharging. Hope everyone else is having a good week!!!

I really must remember to stick to polls.

Stressed and down. Used to have a friend for times like these but lost him along the way. Down about that, too.

here's a pic of me yesterday in Yosemite Nat'l Park...

I called my t "a thing" this week. We were talking about how safe I feel in his room. I said I didn't like all the space behind my chair "even though you(T) are the only thing in the room"..a couple of seconds later I managed to say "person" Why would I say thing?

Does this bother you? It's a pretty small mistake.

(I managed to make a typo in this short post. I've fixed it now but I can't believe it meant anything except that I am tired.)

Since I don't think anybody else has asked this: what does the snap, snap in the title of this couch refer to?

i thought it was a play on the route 66 song.

One of the older kittens was just cracking me up this morning. My H had a bag pull of green shipping peanuts (the biodegradable, non-toxic kind) that he was saving to use for some stuff he was planning on selling on ebay. Anyway, the kittens discovered it and have been making a huge mess pulling out the peanuts and playing with them. One of the two older kittens decided the peanuts belonged to HER and she took the sack and started dragging it off to the bedroom. As she went though, the peanuts were all falling out of the sack, so by the time she reached the door of the bedroom, the sack was empty. She was so perplexed at first, and then so irritated. It was so SO funny.

These kitten stories are so great. You guys have been putting in all this hard work taking care of the kittens, but then you feel rewarded by these sweet interactions. Thats how life works.

It made me realize that my mother didnt feel rewarded by any interactions with me. Rather an eye opener.

That is funny, I can visualize the whole event

Yeah, mine the same way. One of those dang things therapy has done for me is gotten me mad at my mother about things I didn't know about until now.

But on a lighter note, Sh1thead(my cat) is all over the place this morning. I've got one of those Asian screens from Pier 1, kind of a heavy one, and he's climbed up on top of that. He's on top of the TV, which is a flat screen, so he's balancing on both of those. He's on the mantle. I think there must have been a bug or moth or something that got in and is hanging out on the ceiling that he's trying to get to.

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(This does not refer to any thread I have posted to, fortunately.)

Here's the problem with both of our mothers, Hankster, the hard work came FIRST. There were no rewards with these kittens at first. They bit me and scratched me and kept me awake all ****ing night. They were messy and I had to keep trying to get caked on food out of their fur over and over. The rewarding parts, the sweet parts, come AFTER the hard work has helped them to become healthy and secure enough emotionally to play and interact with me in a calm way. In order to parent well, you have to put forth love and effort and consistency no matter what the small creature you are caring for is doing, and no matter how unpleasant they are, or how bad they smell at that particular moment. You cannot do it just in exchange for the sweet interactions. THAT is what both of our mothers were unwilling or unable to do.

Ah. Thanks.

Hey Stop, are you okay? I tried to go back to your thread and couldn't. Not sure if the error is on my end or not, but hoping you are alright and that whole thing didn't go to far South for you.