Couch 79: Spend some time on Couch 79 (snap, snap)

God bless the internet.

Deleted my earlier post. I feel like I should explain what's bothering me instead of being cryptic about it. What way it feels less attention seeking and all of that. I just need to get the following off my chest:

Today was such a weird session for me. I was depressed when I got in but it got worse and worse and worse during the session. All I could do was to think about how I don't know how to deal with things right now, how horrible I feel, how anxious I am, how my brain just freezes when I try to figure things out etc. I seriously sat there flicking my own fingers (really hard) until they got red and dry in order to relieve the tension. The psychologist asked me if it hurt but I just said "no". The psychologist also commented on the fact that I seemed unfocused and she even asked me if I wanted to leave once (she didn't ask me to leave but she simply asked if that's what I wanted to say but couldn't at the time). I didn't want to, which I told her and she seemed happy with that answer.

Today was also the first time my psychologist mentioned I should go to the hospital if my thoughts get really bad. I told her I don't want to hurt myself (but she knows I think about it sometimes, even though I don't want to) but she told me about the hospital anyway. Felt weird.

It feels like my life is falling apart. I feel like a fraud. I feel so overwhelmed. I won't see the psychologist for another 2.5-3 weeks and it feels so difficult to wait that long. I don't know how to cope with life right now. I don't want to do anything. I'm not even reading. Haven't read in weeks. I don't want to study, I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to anyone (besides the psychologist) etc. I don't know how to function right now.

That's all I have to say (well, there's probably more but I don't know how to express that).

Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry things are so very hard, neutrino. For whatever it is worth, you have never come across as attention seeking to me.

Is there any chance you could get more frequent therapy than every 2-3 weeks?

I often don't know how to cope between sessions and even though the sessions are really tough sometimes (like today) they still mean a lot to me. It's the only time I feel heard and like someone tries to understand me. Is that weird?

I have pills but I won't take them all. I just want this pain to go away. I have the worst headache for the last three days.

running a craft class tonight for the first time and omg im scared .ther were about 4 people who were going when the person who I took over for was running it .this is my first time and about 12 people have sighed up to join the club because I am teaching. I hate expectations and worry like crazy about doing well. I hope they like my classes.

I don't know. Not right now anyway. First my two psychologists (the one I see for stress/anxiety/depression and the one I've been seeing for Asperger's) and I need to have a meeting together to make some sort of treatment plan. Today the psychologist told me we're going to try to have that meeting mid October. I have no idea what happens after that and it's one of the many things that make me anxious.

I really hope I'll get more frequent therapy though. I'd like to go see the psychologist twice a week but I don't think that's going to happen so I'm hoping for (at least) once a week. It's really tough not seeing the psychologist more often. I often don't know how to cope between sessions and even though the sessions are really tough sometimes (like today) they still mean a lot to me. It's the only time I feel heard and like someone tries to understand me. Is that weird?

made an appointment with my son to tour CIA tomorrow . all day event

I think you two might just be pathologizing normal behavior.

I think the real consequence of the abuse seems to be choosing a safe but uninteresting man to marry for security. I did the same thing at 20. I love him, but am not attracted as I am to women. Considered myself a lesbian prior. I loved that life and lifestyle, lived it too briefly, but I lost a lot of family when I disclosed the abuse, and then was kicked out of my home, and you know what, as little as I like to admit it, I was very very scared and life seemed way too unstable. I didn't want to risk more estrangement and instability, so... when I found a guy I liked who liked me too, we both needed security and we went for it. It's not a motivation I'm proud of, however, I love my husband, have found marriage healing and strengthening, and I am content knowing I've always done my best by him, been loving and honest and supportive in good times and bad, just as I promised.

I don't think acting out on your sexual impulses necessarily has anything to do with abuse- it may well just have to do with your libido. We're sexual beings and we want that interaction that turns us on, satisfies us- nothing wrong with that at all.

As you clearly say yourself- your guilt is around violating or getting close to violating the bounds of your marriage. I am in an open marriage, so though I don't dabble right now (who has time) the option is there, and this makes it easier.

I think the acting out your abuse is more likely the being married to someone safe but who you're not authentic with... but you know what, it's all okay. Nothing wrong with wanting safety. Nothing wrong with wanting a comfortable marriage.

The challenge is just to be as authentic as you can be. I think my balance right now for example is in knowing that authentic for me means both acknowledging my primary attraction is to women and leaving the door open for deeper relationships in the future while honoring my husband above all, because I value loyalty, responsibility, and have chosen to love him.

Well, the vast majority have sexual organs, therefore, sexual beings. Same with vocal cords (and fingers to type!) making us communicative beings. That's all I meant. I have no interest in judging or even examining what folks feel like doing, or do or don't do with them. And no, I'm not positing that 100% of the population has sexual organs nor that 100% of the population should be sexual. Of course there are countless reasons not to be, and I take issue w/none of them.

My only point being that if you're attracted to women, doing something about it isn't necessarily about acting out abuse.

No harm meant Mastadon, at all. Sorry if this is a sensitive topic.

Honestly though, what do I do? How do I not just fall apart and give up?

Will you see the government Mind Control Laser?

I am glad you are meeting with your Ts together...I hope it's very helpful for you. I imagine a joint session should be quite useful in planning the best ways to move forward in your therapy!
I also hope you are able to tell your psychologist that you hope to see them at least once a week...I know it's hard for me to reconnect if I am I unable to do so (I am also in therapy partially for depression and anxiety). I don't think it's weird at all to feel that way at all, btw. I think a lot of people on this board only feel heard and understood by their Ts...I know that's how I feel. (And I see 2 as well...I know one gets it. It's hit or miss with the other one. )
Can you talk to your Ts about coping skills that you can use? I personally have a constant level of high anxiety and haven't found very much to help (besides writing one of my Ts emails between sessions...then we talk about what I wrote when I see him).

Is there a support line you could call?

I've got feet but I still can't dance.

ugh. Feeling sick with stress. Money is a huge issue again, AND we have all these kittens in our house and are trying to find good homes AND I am stressed about therapy stuff. Feeling stupid about the session and I had lunch with a friend who also sees the same T and somehow in the conversation we got on the topic of the sound-proofing at his office and in discussing that, realized that my friend never yells at him. She has NEVER yelled. I have another friend who sees him also, and checked with her, and she was kind of flabbergasted u the idea of yelling at him. My MIL also does not yell at him. I have yelled at him more than I have ever yelled at anyone in my life except my husband and my sister. Apparently I am the world's most yelling -yeller, horrible client. I feel really stupid for thinking that he actually likes me and enjoys talking to me (most of the time) when he probably really dreads the sessions and thinks I am a *****. I should probably just cancel the next appointment anyway because I feel like I am spending insane amounts of money on therapy (mental and physical).