Couch 79: Spend some time on Couch 79 (snap, snap)

(((Aloneandafraid))) I'm sorry you are going thru this.

T session left me feeling truly awful. I can't cope.

My heart goes out to you. Pm sent.

I concur. I don't think instant dismissal in legal in the UK unless you've done something dishonest.

Aaa I am sorry that you have so difficult time... Thinking about you

Were you able to discuss what you had mentioned in the previous session? I hope it will get better for you soon

Thank you for your good wishes, it means so much.
I haven't done anything dishonest. I haven't done anything except my job which makes it so hard. The director explained it was not me personally, they needed a person with different expertise. It was a newly created role and it hasn't worked. But I still feel terrible as I wasn't given any indication that anything was wrong. In fact I received a glowing three month review/end of trial review.

I have been given a months notice but we both felt it best if I went immediately. I just grabbed my personal things from my desk and left. I didn't say goodbye to anyone.

I am in pieces. I saw T yesterday and cried throughout the session. That's a first! I just couldn't hold it in any longer. She was very kind and supportive and said I could text her during the week if I need to. She asked me if I was thinking about hurting myself and urged me not to as she said my boys need a mother. I wouldn't but I can't stop thinking about it and I can't stop crying which is something i never do.

I feel such a failure. I was made redundant in March (from a career I had been in for 12 years) then went on to this job. I can't face applying for a jobs and putting myself out there. I have just lost any little confidence I had. My H says I must get a job - immediately - but I can't face it.

Thank you all for your support. This on top of the five deaths in my family last year feels like the final straw. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for being here for me. Xx

I have pills but I won't take them all. I just want this pain to go away. I have the worst headache for the last three days.

A3 hang on . give yourself some time to breathe ok (((hugs)))

running a craft class tonight for the first time and omg im scared .ther were about 4 people who were going when the person who I took over for was running it .this is my first time and about 12 people have sighed up to join the club because I am teaching. I hate expectations and worry like crazy about doing well. I hope they like my classes.

Aaa, I'm really sorry. Please keep posting here if you can.

made an appointment with my son to tour CIA tomorrow . all day event

I think you two might just be pathologizing normal behavior.

I think the real consequence of the abuse seems to be choosing a safe but uninteresting man to marry for security. I did the same thing at 20. I love him, but am not attracted as I am to women. Considered myself a lesbian prior. I loved that life and lifestyle, lived it too briefly, but I lost a lot of family when I disclosed the abuse, and then was kicked out of my home, and you know what, as little as I like to admit it, I was very very scared and life seemed way too unstable. I didn't want to risk more estrangement and instability, so... when I found a guy I liked who liked me too, we both needed security and we went for it. It's not a motivation I'm proud of, however, I love my husband, have found marriage healing and strengthening, and I am content knowing I've always done my best by him, been loving and honest and supportive in good times and bad, just as I promised.

I don't think acting out on your sexual impulses necessarily has anything to do with abuse- it may well just have to do with your libido. We're sexual beings and we want that interaction that turns us on, satisfies us- nothing wrong with that at all.

As you clearly say yourself- your guilt is around violating or getting close to violating the bounds of your marriage. I am in an open marriage, so though I don't dabble right now (who has time) the option is there, and this makes it easier.

I think the acting out your abuse is more likely the being married to someone safe but who you're not authentic with... but you know what, it's all okay. Nothing wrong with wanting safety. Nothing wrong with wanting a comfortable marriage.

The challenge is just to be as authentic as you can be. I think my balance right now for example is in knowing that authentic for me means both acknowledging my primary attraction is to women and leaving the door open for deeper relationships in the future while honoring my husband above all, because I value loyalty, responsibility, and have chosen to love him.

No, there is nothing wrong with that, but there is also nothing wrong with not wanting that interaction. Many people are sexual beings. Many people are not. The world is seriously overpopulated as it is, so this is not really a problem.

In the U.S. anyway, it depends on the State in which you live. My State and the neighboring State, are both "employment at will" States. Unless you have a contract that says something to the contrary, you can be fired at any time for any reason. No notice is necessary. However, you are eligible for unemployment assistance if you are fired without cause. Typically "cause" would missing work, stealing, etc. Things just not working out is not typically considered "cause." So, AAA, you probably need to go apply for unemployment right away. You were past your probationary period -- you might qualify.

No, of course there's nothing wrong with being asexual or intermittently sexual! I wonder if you didn't take this out of context?

The context was that she enjoys being sexual with women, is attracted to women, but feels disgusting when acting on those feelings while married and is considering that it's a symptom of being abused. I think that sexual attraction is a natural, healthy thing, and wouldn't want to pathologize it.

I did not comment on that at all. I commented on the statement that "we are sexual beings".

Needless to say, I agree that a human being who has a particular sexuality and is attracted to others is not disgusting in any way.

Edited to add: Asexuality and intermittent sexuality are only two of the reasons why people may not be sexual. But this is hitting much too close to home so I'd better stay away from any further discussion :-)

Been applying for a lot of jobs, hope to get back to work soon.

Well, the vast majority have sexual organs, therefore, sexual beings. Same with vocal cords (and fingers to type!) making us communicative beings. That's all I meant. I have no interest in judging or even examining what folks feel like doing, or do or don't do with them. And no, I'm not positing that 100% of the population has sexual organs nor that 100% of the population should be sexual. Of course there are countless reasons not to be, and I take issue w/none of them.

My only point being that if you're attracted to women, doing something about it isn't necessarily about acting out abuse.

No harm meant Mastadon, at all. Sorry if this is a sensitive topic.

1. I totally agree with the first statement. I had a friend who was a t and who was CSA, and she told me that her male t told her, that she was unusual in escaping the odds of becoming a sex worker. Idk - maybe all sex workers are csa or sa, but i DONT think if a person has been csa or sa, then they become a sex worker. I have more than a few friends who have been sa, but none who are sex workers. As Stopdog says, ts dont do much math - but maybe they need to!!

2. This 2nd part i quoted describes so well what i have been going thru recently. Only for me, it wasnt a matter of male or female, it was more, similar to my family or not similar to my family. I wasnt similar to my family - at least not my mother and brother, but they were the big mouths, deciding if my dates were "cool" enough or not. Now i think my brother wanted such a big say because he wanted to "bond" with his future BIL .

Anyway, thanks for articulating this for me.

TRIGGER if the topic of sex/nudity bothers you





I love the silliness of psychology today: - The Naked Therapist-
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...?tr=MostViewed

sorry, I meant to reply to this.... thank you for asking, someone. Yes, I spent almost the entire session on that topic. I feel repulsive. Which is why I am acting repulsively, I guess.

I thought this was gonna be about math!! I guess she's laughing all the way to the bank

Deleted my earlier post. I feel like I should explain what's bothering me instead of being cryptic about it. That way it feels less attention seeking and all of that. I just need to get the following off my chest:

Today was such a weird session for me. I was depressed when I got in but it got worse and worse and worse during the session. All I could do was to think about how I don't know how to deal with things right now, how horrible I feel, how anxious I am, how my brain just freezes when I try to figure things out etc. I seriously sat there flicking my own fingers (really hard) until they got red and dry in order to relieve the tension. The psychologist asked me if it hurt but I just said "no". The psychologist also commented on the fact that I seemed unfocused and she even asked me if I wanted to leave once (she didn't ask me to leave but she simply asked if that's what I wanted to say but couldn't at the time). I didn't want to, which I told her and she seemed happy with that answer.

Today was also the first time my psychologist mentioned I should go to the hospital if my thoughts get really bad. I told her I don't want to hurt myself (but she knows I think about it sometimes, even though I don't want to) but she told me about the hospital anyway. Felt weird.

It feels like my life is falling apart. I feel like a fraud. I feel so overwhelmed. I won't see the psychologist for another 2.5-3 weeks and it feels so difficult to wait that long. I don't know how to cope with life right now. I don't want to do anything. I'm not even reading. Haven't read in weeks. I don't want to study, I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to anyone (besides the psychologist) etc. I don't know how to function right now.

That's all I have to say (well, there's probably more but I don't know how to express that).

Thanks for reading.

God bless the internet.