Dear T,

I feel like a teenager or something, writing to you like this, but I have to. It's embarrassing to do and I will worry about your reaction all week.

I have to tell you these things.
I have to tell you about my thoughts and feelings.
i don't know if you want to hear them though.
when I want to talk, we talk a few minutes then we are off onto something else.
I need time sometimes to get to what I want to tell you. I need you to encourage me and reassure me. I have to get past shame and embarrassment and the fear of you not taking me seriously or sending me off somewhere else and I don't want to go to someone else.
This is why I asked to work on assertiveness. It isn't that I cant do it, but that I can't do it for me. So here I am writing because I am no good at talking.
I wish I knew if you want to hear these things.

I have mentioned about 'falling apart'. I haven't said a lot about it .. and you haven't asked much about it. But I've wanted you to know what it's like for me. It is so frightening and overwhelming.

When I 'fall apart', I am so frantic! I don't always know when or why it starts. Sometimes it is a small disappointment like I said last week. But really it is more than that. It's a feeling of loss or impending loss, abandonment, aloneness. I am sure people want to be rid of me and I think about it and look for it and worry about it a lot. I think people are just 'being nice' to me until they can find a way to leave me.

...When I fall apart It happens so fast. It is so intense. It's more intense than just a panic attack. It lasts for days. I have to Xanax out of it, then I collapse and I'm wiped out, exhausted for days.The times in between I feel numb. And vigilant for the next episode. It's a cycle lately, somehow stimulated I think by therapy.

...When I fall apart I sometimes don't feel like an adult; I feel like a kid. My repetitive frantic thoughts are "I can't take care of myself!" and "I don't know what to do!!" and "What am I going to do?!" I'm afraid of losing it completely and what will happen to me. I'm afrid of being alone. I can't eat or sleep; I can't breathe well; my arms and hands go numb or cold; I cry, pace to get rid of the energy. It feels like the floor has suddenly dropped out from beneath my feet. I don't know what to do! I can't distract myself, I can't talk myself into a better place. I can't relax or focus. I want the world to just stop and wait a minute! And I want someone to help me, rescue me, hold me and tell me it will be ok.

Sometimes I Xanax to be able to make myself go to work or to stay there. I run off to the restroom to cry because I don't want to be seen. I've been doing this for a year. Sometimes I am so out of it. It's what I meant by 'zoning out'. It's like I'm in a fog, like I'm in another room even if I'm standing right next to someone. I have to struggle to hear and comprehend what they are saying . It isn't about my hearing ability; it's as if they are talking to me from far away, or I am groggy like I'm half-asleep. They could be telling me oranges are purple and I'd agree because that's how I get through it. At work I will jot things down that I know I will need later. Sometimes people think I am just not paying attention. They will drop what they are talking about or ask if I am understanding. It's so embarrassing.

Lately I am tempted to not come to therapy because I dread the cycle that could begin. But I will because this is about me.. and I want to see how I turn out.

Please help me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't like that I am too chicken to speak these words out loud. I wonder what she will say. I wonder if it will make a difference.

Last session I told her it was a bad week; that I had fallen apart again. I told her that some people were second-guessing my therapy (not people here, who are considerate and curious and non-judgemental, who offer support and thoughts and information). She thanked me for telling her and said that she wants my continual feedback so that we work well together. Then she asked what MY concerns are and I told her again about wanting to talk more. So we did, but not in depth. We talked a few minutes then she asked what I wanted to work on that session. Truth is, it was saying out loud what I want and need and more about what's going on with me that I thought we were working on when she said that! lol So, I blurted out "assertiveness". It was a good session on assertiveness and I learned a lot, we role-played, etc. But I felt like I was skipped over again. And as you can see, it is so much my own doing because I don't open my mouth. I recognize this place I am at: it is where I might decide that this therapist or therapy is not for me, not helping.. and that I should leave. But I'm not falling for that this time. When I feel this way it is the time to stay and keep working.

I want to mail the letter above to her. I haven't yet. I'm not sure what to do. Is it too passive? Is it too chicken? Will it help? Will it hurt? Will she think less of me?

I could use some feedback. What do you think?

i think it is a terrific letter. and... i think the little bit (to us) at the end of your letter is really important to. the bit where you analyse the session and give your take on it. e.g., about thinking that talking about your experience IS working on something.

i think... different therapists feel differently about that.

but yeah, i agree with your take. i really do think it is a great letter. i hope you do give it to your t. i have a similar kind of experience. it doesn't happen for me anywhere near as much as it used to. but it still happens sometimes. i don't think she will think any less of you. it will help her to understand where you are coming from.

i admire your courage for being determined to stick with it.

[sunrise]

ECHOES,
I like this letter. Please send it. Also, when I read your epilogue to us here on the board, I understood what you were trying to say even better. I think you should include this part somehow to help clarify for her:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then she asked what MY concerns are and I told her again about wanting to talk more. So we did, but not in depth. We talked a few minutes then she asked what I wanted to work on that session. Truth is, it was saying out loud what I want and need and more about what's going on with me that I thought we were working on when she said that! lol So, I blurted out "assertiveness". It was a good session on assertiveness and I learned a lot, we role-played, etc. But I felt like I was skipped over again.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
If you include that, it will be even clearer. I can really understand how offputting it must feel when you actually are working on something you want to, and she says "what do you want to work on?" It makes it seem like she didn't think what you were talking about was valuable enough to spend a session on. She needs to know what she is doing when she makes statements like that! Please tell her.

Good luck!
((((hugs))))
sunny

Echoes, please send the letter. it is terrific! i think that it will enhance your working relationship with your T and that is what we all want for you. i am really proud of you for writing it.xoxoxo pat

[bipolar_bear]

What a great letter. I think it would be very helpful if you sent it. Good luck.

[biiv]

that is a really good letter. i wish i had the courage to write things like that to my T. i think it will really help your therapy if you do send it.
good luck
biiv

[Brookester]

Dear Echoes,

Absolutely send the letter to your therapist. It will open up the communication lines between you two and help with trust issues, etc. It is very well-written.

[Perna]

Echoes, I use to write letters to my T almost weekly. We both knew I wrote them and that she received and read them but we didn't discuss them. I liked that she knew more than I could express yet talking to her. Eventually I went "cold turkey" and put a moratorium on writing her and insisted with myself that I talk to her in therapy sessions only. That was one of the biggest and best things I did for myself.

Were I you, I'd take the letter and read it to her. Letters, e-mails, books,(posts like this) etc. all get between us and the other person! I use to get comfort imagining my T reading my letters. But one of the operative words there is "imagining" -- we can imagine anything we want; that T's will be more or less helpful, will like or dislike us, that what we write them is too passive or that we're chickens :-) but we can NEVER know unless we ask them, talk to the other person, directly. I understand totally your fear/chickenness which is why I'm vicariously living through you and recommending you take the letter and read it aloud (hand it to her to read so you can see her face and discuss it then and there?); that's what I wish I had done sooner. Try to go for what will help you grow rather than what "feels" good/safe. I spent way too many years working on being "warm, dry, and safe" (my literal wants/goals).

[phillygirl]

As everyone else said, that's a great letter Kudos for you for sitting down and being able to express all that. My take is somewhat different than the others because you've written EXACTLY what's in my head a lot of the time. I call them 'meltdowns' and I had a really ugly one yesterday. Anyway, I hope you send this or read it or whatever. And please let us know how it goes for you!

[biiv]

hey again. i know i already replied but your letter (and a certain amount of alcohol ) has given me the idea to give a post i wrote recently in the abuse forum to my T... i dont know if i will... maybe i should because it would give her a better insight. im tempted though to give her the filtered pg version... but maybe i can just print it an hand it to her without considering too much what the content is.
please let me know if you have the courage to give this to your T. i would like to be able to let my T know the horrible things i think of but dont know if i have the courage so your courage may inspire me.
i wish you luck and courage whatever you decide though.

(((biiv)))

Thanks Phillygirl,

Actually I also call them meltdowns too. They are so exhausting. I am still reeling from last week's.

ECHOES

Thank you Alexandra... So often I feel heard here more than anywhere else. I appreciate your reply and kind words.

ECHOES

Thank you so much Pat!

It's hard to know what to do as I don't think she wants to hear day-to-day things.

ECHOES

Thank you biiv.

The things in the letter need to be said. I need to be heard. So do you.

An acqaintance who is a T suggested reading it or using it to start the session, but not sending it, because it is more helpful to the therapist to hear it in the person's own voice and words and feelings. I think that makes a lot of sense so that is what I think I will do.

biiv I hope you will take your post to your T. And don't worry about it being PG rated; your T can handle the unedited version just fine. i hope you will let yourself be heard, biiv.

ECHOES

[purplemoon]

Echoes, I think that that is a wonderful letter. It is awesome that you were able to write it. I think I would (if I was assertive) hand it to my T in the next session. I know that is such a risk and it is so hard to do. Whenever I have taken a risk with my T, it has always turned out wonderfully, and I am sure you T will be very supportive. I think T's want to know the stuff you wrote in the letter, but I know for me I always skirt around that stuff but that is what moves us along in therapy (imho). Keep us updated on how it goes )

[January]

Echoes,

Your letter is one of the best constructed and well thought out ones that I have ever read. Please print it and the epilogue out and give them to your t.

My very best,

Jan

[froggie2]

I agree. That is one awesome letter. Its exactly what happens to me sometimes and leaves me exhausted for days. You are so courageous to be able to write like that.

[withit]

Echoes, I get the impression that you are not getting the kind of depth you crave, from your therapist. I can relate to that. A therapist who does not engage with me on that deeeep level, is somehow missing the mark, I leave feeling dissatisfied, a void. And when the t does engage with me on a deeeeep level i feel full, satisfied, fed, nurtured. It does seem you need a warm, caring, nurturing, patient, psychodynamic therapist, I suggest an experienced one. Best of luck to you!

[Talulah]

Echoes, I knew you worte this but just have read it!!!!

Wow, I am kinda speechless......you.are.so.brave.

I think this is a fabulous outlet for you and you are revealing and articulate, does this feel safer this way?

I agree that we need to ask them for feedback as well as I often write emails to my t and think about what she thinks about them. I do it at the worst times too.

Yes, like meltdowns or whatever.....or when it's late and the darkness settles in after all the days distractions....my "disturbed" thoughts and memories (ruminations) emerge. I often don't feel it in therapy or don't bring it up in therapy but always send these kind of crazy and dark emails. It's like a confessional.

Biiv.......((((Biiv)))).......yes send a letter PG or anything, send anything ok? I started with PG versions this way.....it was my start and I'm still sorta there. I "glossed" all the abuse over in them and left out details. It ate away at me that I couldn't find the words and was repulsed (and still am) with telling someone face to face (or even in email) what I did, or was made to do or whatever. I can't reveal those easily...I'm in the stage of having issues with that process. And I'm not really sure what kind of response I want or will be satisfied with etc, so maybe that plays in...

But, what I'm trying to say is, I have given some hint of abuse to my t, and PG versions and she accepts them, for now. She constantly reminds me that if we censure our stories, if we disclose bits and pieces and not all of what's been endured, then we only have ourselves to bat that around with and nothing will ever change in how we feel about them. And it's really lonely too, I know. But Biiv, please don't keep it ALL to yourself, I know trusting is hard and the shame unbearable but try a PG version for starters if you are finding it difficult. Even if it means only writing it down....