Relationships with our Therapists

I wondered if people would post here about their relationships with their Therapists (T's). I'm interested in all aspects.

How you found yours, did you shop around?
What the first appt was like?
When did you know it clicked, or not?
Male or female selection and why?
Age difference and did it matter?
Their personal style...open, warm, formal,stiff, etc.
Type of therapy; CBT, psychoanalytic, eclectic (little bit of everything), couples, group, who-knows-it-helps, etc.
Transference issues, if any
How long you've been going
Anything else you feel like sharing.

It's such an important relationship for many of us and I don't see it discussed much here. Seems like it might be helpful, especially to people who don't have much experience in therapy.

Emmy (yes I will reply too!)

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Found: I went through my list from my insurance co. Only two were available to make appts... I initially went to both of them.

First appt: I find it very easy to talk (I usually talk to much, and I tell everything "story" style) so both appts were comfortable. There are very few things which I am shy to talk about so I tried to get a feel for both of them as to who I would be more comfortable with. It didn't make much difference to me, that's really something up to me unless the T is really bad or really makes me uncomfortable.

Clicked: I'm still not sure. I do like going every week, so I am comfortable there and I can talk freely. I always feel better after seeing him, but I just don't feel anything helping yet. Again I think more to do with me than with him. Mostly because of the hour long appts... I felt more productive in the day program or IOP, an hour is not a lot of time.

M/F: Both that were available were male, but I don't really have a preference. Inpatient and IOP I had both. I think I am slightly more comfortable with a male but I think the differences between therapists is bigger than my preference for M/F so I can't see that effecting my decision more than their overall personality.

Age: I don't think it matters. I didn't even think about that. I have difficulty judging people's ages, so I think my current T is older than me but he may very well be younger. I think I just "assigned" older in my head, maybe I feel more comfortable that way. I'm not sure if someone very old or very young would be an issue.

Style: I like a good balance. Friendly and open but I also need a little formality to keep me on track. My current T likes Star Wars and Star Trek, and I like that a lot because it is easy to make analogies for things I can't quite put into words. I have to be careful not to go off and spend the whole hour talking about sci-fi and this guy is formal enough to interrupt if we are not addressing important things within our hour.

Type: I am not sure. I know he doesn't do DBT or things that require homework." He never gives me homework other than things to think about. I have specifically asked for homework and he has come up with good suggestions for me to bring in the following week, so he is flexible and that's good. (I asked for homework? Geez. NERD PATROL! Really, I just wanted something specific and constructive to do at home to help because I still seem to be fighting so hard with little results.)

Transference: Don't think I have any at all. Again I think that is me more than him.

How Long: Probably about 4 months? I'm just guessing, as I got him when my IOP wouldn't be covered by my insurance anymore, and then he was able to get me into another IOP program after two visits, and I resumed with him when that ended.

The two private T's were pretty different in style but I felt comfortable with them both. The one I chose was the one with a more "professional" air and he was part of the UBHC system where I had my second IOP so I thought it would be the most convenient. I actually continued seeing the other guy for two or three visits while I was in IOP and then stopped seeing him when I resumed with the first T.

The second T said something in one session that really validated some of my feelings so I do wonder if I would be better off with him. My current T doesn't not validate my feelings (he does) but mostly we discuss why I feel that way and seeing how a lot of my root issues effect everything. So on the one hand that may be a more constructive approach, but I may be more emotionally driven with the other guy, so it is a toss up. I can still go back to the other one if I decide to try a switch but for the time being I am sticking where I am.

------------------------------------
-- http://www.idexter.com

I found my current therapist after my former one graduated from college and moved. I was assigned to Steve. We get along pretty good now that I told him what I wanted before I considered it just basically rent-a-friend and that's not what I needed so now he pushes me. He's a bit older than me but I'm not sure how much I do know he doesn't have much hair but that doesn't mean anything. As for transference I don't see that happening much. I've been seeing Steve for about 2 years. The first visit with him was good except that night I went home and seriously OD'd. Not to say that had anything to do with the therapy in fact it had nothing to do with the therapy it was a situational thing. I plan to stay with Steve until I get over my bad habits.

Don't Blame me I just do what the Voices Tell me to do

How you found yours, did you shop around?
ANSWER: Went online, checked in with universities, hired the person who was most well respected, best rep, in demand, most published, etc.

What the first appt was like?
ANSWER: boring

When did you know it clicked, or not?
ANSWER: I still do not know
Male or female selection and why?
ANSWER: Male--picked based on reputation
Age difference and did it matter?
ANSWER: He is older. Don't know if it matters
Their personal style...open, warm, formal,stiff, etc.
ANSWER: Warm, but once he looked a little nervous...could have been the subject matter

Type of therapy;
ANSWER: just 1:1 sessions.
Transference issues, if any
ANSWER: I don't know what this is
How long you've been going

Anything else you feel like sharing.
ANSWER: I think he is a quack despite his credentials

<font color=blue> "History shows again and again how nature puts up the folly of men." </font color=blue>

How you found yours?
I asked friends and family.

What the first appt was like?
I was a basket case. It was 5 years ago so I don't really remember much. I do recall him telling me that he was a "safe man", and that his office was a "safe place". That meant a lot to me. He sounded honest.

When did you know it clicked, or not?
That happened pretty quickly. We have a similar sense of humor. He’s very bright. That helps me.

Male or female selection and why?
I had tried 4 women before him. NEVER thought I could connect with a man. Huh. Who'd a thunk.

Age difference and did it matter?
He's a few years older. I would not have gone to someone younger than me. I wanted someone with a lot of life experience and professional experience.

Their personal style.
Warm, friendly, but very focused on only me and our work.

Type of therapy.
We started with some CBT at my request, moved on to an eclectic mix.

Transference issues, if any.
I went through an intense period of "oh my gosh I love my therapist". It was awful. Funny, I was just thinking about this today - this was when I first met Dr. John in 1999. He was in a chat room somewhere for a scheduled chat. I confessed to him, my "love" for my therapist. He spent quite a long time chatting with me about transference, and strongly encouraged me to talk to my T about it. I REALLY didn't want to...but I did it. Talk about embarrassing! It took a few months to get beyond it, but I did. It really helped our relationship, and my therapy. Thank you Dr. John!!!

How long you've been going
5 years

Anything else you feel like sharing.
Therapy is the hardest work I've ever done. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, and say, stick a fork in me, I'm done! But, with my history, and my job, and my family, I guess I'm a lifer! :-) I do take breaks, and go through periods when I just drop in for "tune ups".

Because of my wonderful T, our hard work, and MY courage, I've been able to change my life for the better. A mid-life crisis turned into a new career I love. I could not have done that without my T. I sure as HECK ain’t perfect, but I’m a much improved version of me.

I'm sending heart felt thanks to my T and all people helpers on this planet. :-)

Emmy


"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Emily, thank you for that! I'm glad I answered in a way that you eventually found helpful... Sometimes I know I say things that people probably don't always want to hear, because it requires one to confront their fears head-on or change the way they've always done something in the past.

But you should give yourself the most credit for finding the courage to go ahead and bring it up with your therapist. Some clients never do, and probably suffer needlessly because of it. I'm glad to hear it helped you.

I found my t's through our local counseling center. I kept cutting and was referred to the PHP. I love the two female t's but the male t is a bit difficult to get along with sometimes.

The first time I went to the PHP I was so scared. There were all these people and I don't deal too well with too many people. I think I clicked with the two female t's when they started reading me correctly. They seemed to know what I was feeling and my reasoning behind it. It was like "oh my god people understand me!"

The one t I like best has an aggressive style that I find very helpful. She's up front and to the point. She doesn't play games and will tell you what you're doing wrong. She won't stand for bigotry, racism, or discrimination. I like that.

I prefer the group therapy over individual because I can get other people's opinions and the views aren't just one sided. I get to see different points of view.

I've been going to the PHP on and off for the last 4 years and it's really helped me out. Currently I've been cut-free for the past 3 months. I couldn't have done it without the help of the t's and the group. I know it's not for everyone, but it helps me out all the same.

My answer to this question could get very long. I've had experiences with at least 6 different T's, and I'm not sure whether to lump them all together or go through this for each, or just answer for the current one. My perspective has changed dramatically this last year as (1) I finally started to break free of the depression that never had let me too far out of its grip through my whole life and (2) the notion hit me that I always wanted to go into the field of psychology but never thought I could before, actually decided to go for it and took classes this year with that objective in mind (and learned a lot about theories and techniques involved in counseling). How should I start - I guess I will assign them each a number.

How you found yours, did you shop around?
(1) I was 19 years old, it was my first year away from home, and that winter got pretty bad. One of my roommates referred me to the university's student counseling center, where I was assigned to a counselor.
(2) The next winter - pretty bad again - roommates hated me and were emotionally abusive - church leader referred me to a private, church-run counseling agency, where I was assigned to a counselor there.
(3) Not quite a year later - my senior year - I had gotten married, became involved with goats/running a dairy, was trying to complete a B.A. in 2 majors, both pretty demanding, plus a minor and a departmental honors program involving a thesis. Starting to sense that my professors and clinical supervisors didn't like me or think that I was good enough - went back to the student counseling center and was selected to participate in a social skills group.
(4) About 6 months later - after the shock of not getting accepted to the Master's program in Speech Pathology, trying to figure out what to do with my life since my plans had been shattered. I decided to try the Psychology department's student clinic, where I was assigned to a graduate student clinician.

See a pattern here? I never had much say as to who I went to for therapy. Neither did it occur to me that I should have any choice.

(5) New city, about 3 1/2 years later - I was the mother of a 2 year old and an infant. A preschool volunteer turned me in to DCFS (because she didn't like me because I told her grandson to stop running off with my lock from my gate), reporting that my daughter had diaper rash. I had no friends or social contact with anyone who didn't wear diapers pretty much, and was completly devasted. It was a small town with limited resources. Since I was again referred by a church leader, I was sent to the only therapist in town (actually he travelled and was there every other week or so) who was a member of the same religion.

(6) A few years later - now a mother of 3, I wanted to be making some contribution to the family income but since I didn't get a useful degree in college and never had resolved that issue, didn't feel like I was worth anything. Went through vocational rehabilitation (where my husband happens to work) and was given a choice of psychologists for the first time ever! I chose one I knew a little bit, since he had attended things like office Christmas parties and I had a good feeling about him.

What the first appt was like?

With all of them I was extremely nervous and really had no idea what to talk about or where to stop. All of them asked various questions - most didn't ask the right questions, and thus didn't get the right answers either. I didn't feel like I had any control, and didn't know that there was a problem with that. #6 was actually took the time to do a full assessment, whereas the others just jumped in with the first session in a 45 minute slot. #6 had a diagnostic questionaire that I filled out before the evaluation, so I had time to write down my answers and the issues that I was concerned about. Then he discussed my answers with me, besides using several other assessments. I remember him telling me that he was trying to "get inside my head." It took maybe 3 or 4 hours. Even though I was so nervous, for the first time I felt like somebody really took the time and made the effort to understand me, and succeeded.

When did you know it clicked, or not?
(1-5) It never clicked. I never felt comfortable with any of them or trusted them. I'm not sure they knew how uncomfortable I was, and I didn't know that therapy could be any different. #3 was much better - I did like him although that was a group, and I was uncomfortable about the group setting.
(6) First session (evaluation).

Male or female selection and why?

All male except for #4. I was traumatized by the experience with her and avoided female therapists after that.

Age difference and did it matter?

The entire range. (1) was middle-aged; (2), (3), & (5) - 30's; (4) very young - about my age at the time; (6) 60's - twice my age.

I had less confidence in the very young and inexperienced clinician. I think that having at least some life experience is a plus, although I would like to think that I could work with a younger counselor who demonstrated that they were knowlegable and had enough experience and skill to be understanding and helpful. Age has gotten in the way somewhat with #6 also, at least in dealing with one of my issues. I was not able to explain having a foreshortened sense of future to him because he called me young and given his age, I didn't feel like I was in a position to argue with him.

Their personal style...open, warm, formal,stiff, etc.

Most have been pretty informal. #2 and #3 were rather more formal, and that made #2 seem unreachable, but with #3 his level of formality was just about right, and probably helped me to feel more secure about him than some of the others.

Type of therapy; CBT, psychoanalytic, eclectic (little bit of everything), couples, group, who-knows-it-helps, etc.

I wasn't able to determine a style or theoretical orientation with most of them. They probably all consider themselves eclectic, but even eclectic therapists tend to lean towards one or more theories or styles that they draw from the most. All individual therapy with the exception of #3. I consider #6 to be predominantly humanistic, and I like most of the ideas behind humanistic counseling, but I really could have used more structure and direction - he pretty much just left the time up to me to plan and decide how I wanted to use it, and towards the end we were more discussing what I was learning in my classes than anything else. It didn't seem like therapy anymore.

Transference issues, if any

#3 is very good-looking (I'm not the only one to say that - some people in one of my current classes have taken classes from him and comment on how nice he is to look at! I was surprised to find that I felt a few pangs of jealousy!). But it wasn't an issue. I was married. He was married. I honestly didn't think about it at the time at all.

I wish that #6 would just adopt me. He is very definitely a father-type figure to me, and that is probably appropriate. Then there is also the issue of that we could have been friends if I hadn't been a client. He even came over for dinner a couple of times as an associate of my husband's, but hasn't accepted a dinner invitation now for a long time. I'm not in therapy anymore (due to political issues related to his working relationship with my husband), and although I correspond with him using e-mail, I really miss him. I wish that he could be part of my life.

How long you've been going
(1) 10 sessions and he said I was all better
(2) It was several weeks - probably about 4-6 sessions or something like that. I walked out and never made contact with him again after a bad confrontation in which he threw the cutting incident I had told him aout a few weeks before in my face, accusing me of pretty much making it up (I believed it was a suicide attempt but now understand it was more of a suicidal gesture - it was the first time I had cut myself with a blade), and he also told me that getting married was a bad idea for me.
(3) Maybe about 8 weekly group sessions. The group ended when Christmas break started, and never started up again.
(4) Probably 3-4 sessions. She was always late and the last time she didn't show up. Besides that she was very unprofessional (wore shorts which showed the tattoos all over her legs, had lots of body piercings, ...) and all she did was question me about sex. My answers were apparently not juicy enough for her and she acted incredulous and kept repeating the same questions. We never even got to what was going on in my life at the time and what I needed help with. I simply never scheduled another session after her no show.
(5) I think that was about 6 months (every other week). He said I was enough better to stop, but left me with an assignment to try to make some friends. (I had not made any progress in that area).
(6) Off and on over a few years. It was about a year after the evaluation before approval came through for therapy. Then about 6 months of sessions every other week and he cancelled 3 times in a row and I gave up and stopped rescheduling. A year and a half after that I had another crisis and went back, went for 8 or 9 months, made a lot of progress, but I really didn't feel like we were finished. It was getting weird when I was towards the end of my interviewing and counseling class, and found myself analysing his style and the techniques he was using.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

Thanks Emmy for this. Should be interesting...

How you found yours, did you shop around?
My insurance at the time was somewhat limited as far as choices, but did offer a referral line where I could get testimonies from patients who had used the various Therapists on the list. Mine came highly recommended.

What was the first appt like?
I was extremely nervous. I didn't really know what to expect having never done it before. Did I lie on a couch? LOL! After the first ten minutes or so, he made me feel very relaxed and comfortable. But I was still guardedly cautious. Trust is an issue when I first meet people in person.

When did you know if it clicked or not?
There was a definite comfort level from the very first meeting. He asked a lot of questions about the types of relationships I had with the role models in my life. I think this was to help him establish obvious trouble spots in my childhood and adolescents. He had an amazing insight to the troubling things in my life very early on. He gently moved me toward confronting and dealing with my demons. His approach to therapy might not be for everyone, but it was perfect for me.

Male or female selection and why?
Nothing against the ladies, but I purposely looked for a male therapist. I was raised in a family with mostly females. I had, and continue to have great relationships with them. My only male relationship of consequence was my grandfather, who was my abuser. And now my son who I love with all my heart. It was important to me to develop an important relationship, someone I could trust, with a male. I needed to know that not all adult males would hurt me if given the chance.

Their personal style…open, warm, friendly, formal, stiff, etc.
He’s very open and caring, a very warm and friendly person. He carefully broaches trouble spots in my life and doesn’t force me to talk if I’m not ready. But he won’t let me avoid the things forever. We’ll set a timetable to talk about certain times and events in my life. This gives me time to prepare. And he walks me carefully thru these painful events, giving me time to pause and collect myself when I need to.

Type of therapy; CBT, psychoanalytic, eclectic (little bit of everything), couples, group, who-knows-if-it-helps, etc.
If I had to pick from the list I’d say psychoanalytic. He’s real good at taking hurts and pains and breaking them down into cause and effect. I feel that he thinks that if I have an understanding of why my mother neglected me, or why my grandfather abused me, it might help start me on the healing process. I can agree that not knowing why had made me hold on to some deep-seated hatred for a very long time. It’s a long, tenuous growing process.

Transference issues, if any
Absolutely none that I’m aware of.

How long have you been going
About 3 years with him. I also did a group session for about 6 months. I really enjoyed that. The group dynamic is unique in the respect that you can get so many varying opinions.

I guess what I’d add to this is I think that therapy is important to achieving any level of stability in depression, in my humblest of opinions of course. The meds brought the physical me to a place of balance. But therapy helps bring me to an understanding of self. These things coupled together allow me to survive with some level of comfort. This is important to me.

Emmy, I hope this is OK. Thanks again for bringing this to light, I enjoyed it!

Greg

BP - When you did group, was it with the same therapist, or a different one? I've always thought that would be an interesting transition to see with the same T. To see him interact with other patient,s and to have him see how I relate to other humans.

I'm glad people are responding to this thread. too Therapy completely facinates me.

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Dexter - Well, then call me a nerd too! I really liked homework when I did CBT, and still occasionally ask my T to suggest and area of thinking. CBT helped me a lot when I was VERY depressed. Helped me sort out my confusion I think....sort of cleared my mind up a bit. It was quite untidy! The homeworky type lists in the books by Burns...um lemme think..."Feeling Good". Those were helpful for me. Have you read that? Thank you for so much input! Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

I'm glad you found Steve just in time. Sounds like he fell into your life when you really needed him. Not that a few months earlier wouldn't have been better! :-) Are you seeing Steve in a college clinic sort of place?

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

I can tell you aren't too thrilled so far! Honestly, my first 4 four attempts at therapy were just complete blow outs. I really don't know if it was me, the therapist, the time of my life, or did I give up too soon? It just didn't work. Finding the right T is like trying on shoes. The shoes that fit me perfectly might give you blisters. Please keep us posted on your progess! Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Wow - three months! That's excellent. Does the group celebrate milestones/anniversaries?

Is the group specifically for people with SI issues? Do you know if your group is based on DBT? (Dialectical Behaviorl Therapy) Thank you greatly for your input. Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Long? Yowsa! I'm very impressed! Thank you for all that!

Glad to meet another fan of therapy, and another recovered depression patient. Not that I don't smack into the wall...but I know it's surmountable now.

Goats...ah...remembering you now! Did I tell you I think I was a goat herder in Peru in another life? :-) There goes the cash register on my therapy bill again!

You made me remember...I forgot that I went to a T at my college in the 70's. I wanted to talk about the fact that my mother had died, he wanted to talk about my religion? Guessing that was his thesis topic.

Crossing over contact with your T between therapy and your personal life must be really odd. I find it quite strange to run into my T pushing a grocery cart. I really wanna see what he's buying...but figure his cart contents is a boundary crossing issue so I find myself staring intently in his eyes as he says hello so he knows I'm being respectful! of his groceries??? :-)

So, you stopped therapy not because you didn't need it, but because of the issues with your husband and therapist knowing each other. How did that termination process happen. I would imagine that was very difficult. Do you not want to be in therapy at all now?

So, when you finish school you will go into counseling? Does your program require you to get counseling?

(I am now wishing all these conversations were separate threads. I'm too old to keep track of this stuff!)

Thank you for all the time you spent answering!

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Emmy, my group was with the same therapist. I ended up wishing it would have been someone else, because he would interject his familiarity with my history into comments he would make to the group. Likewise with the other members. I guess I felt a litle betrayed. I was glad to a certain degree when the group ended. But I am actively searching for a new group. That dynamic is truly awesome Emmy!

Greg

Hi Emmy,

Today I don't feel very recovered. Oh well, ups and downs, right?

Yes, you did tell me about being a goat herder in Peru. That's really cool.

Right. It was not my choice to stop, and I thought it was too soon. But maybe we didn't really have much more to talk about. I don't know. I was worried for a long time about him deciding that I was finished before that actually happened, but it still caught me off guard. November was really bad - I had a couple of weeks that were completely lost to depression and he was trying to get me to make a deal about not ending my life (which I couldn't promise right then). And then in December I was surprised at that last session because he had his own appointment schedule and he actually scheduled me in himself for the next time he was in town (he travels and is here for 3 days at a time every other week). I never saw him do his own scheduling before - I always called the secretary to make a new appointment. A couple of days after that I took some papers in to him and that was when he told me that I "looked good enough that we could discontinue the individual therapy." I said ok, as coolly as I could and got away from there as fast as I could. The thing is, he has been very nice to me and my family, and I'll be in his debt forever. If he wanted to stop, there was no way I had any right to protest. Since he had scheduled an appointment for me for the next time, the secretary called me when that day came around to remind me that I had an appointment (I had figured it was up to him to cancel it), but when I asked to talk to him to find out if he wanted me to show up or not he was busy. So I did show up, and he acted surprised to see me there - said, "I thought we had agreed to discontinue." I told him that I already missed him, and he said that it wasn't over - that I could still e-mail him, but he just doesn't do a very good job of answering e-mail. Also, I asked him if he really thought I was doing that well or if there was another reason for termination and he admitted that he had been looking for a chance to stop seeing me for a while - his job and my husband's job were both being threatened.

I wrote him today though and got a response right back. I must have really not sounded too good. He still hasn't answered the letter I sent him 3 weeks ago, and I even re-sent it, wondering if he hadn't gotten that one.

Do I not want to be in therapy now? It just doesn't seem to be much of an option right now, but no, I wasn't ready to be cut off and I'm rather bitter about that.

I want to get into a clinical psychology doctoral program, and I do want to do therapy, but would also like to do some teaching and maybe research, and write books too. One thing that someone suggested was to just get an MSW degree and then I could be a licensed counselor - that would take less than 2 years instead of 5, and probably be easier to get accepted, but the feeling I have about that is that it would be more limited than what I want. If I just wanted to do therapy that ought to be enough. My chances of getting in anywhere are practically nonexistant at this point - one program turned me down, one had 700 applicants and isn't finished sorting us out yet, and one has me on their alternate list. Most programs of this kind seem to recommend some counseling, but I haven't seen it spelled out as a requirement, except that some reserve the option to require it if a candidate seems to be having trouble with personal issues being triggered.

I'm glad you started this thread. It was nice to have a chance to talk about this stuff, as well as to read everyone else's replies.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

Yeah, I was also wishing each of these areas was a different thread...

I didn't find my T, he found me. Due to my injury, the immediate fix was to the jaw and the oral surgeon is a cracker jack guy and had done research on statistics on well being of patients after surgery. He pulled together a team for his patients: physical therapist, clinical psychologist, sw,, lab personnel, who met weekly and coordinated needs and plans for the patients. I needed to go into thepain center, but was barred by a quack psychiatrist, so I was added to the oral surgeron's team. I still see the physical therapist and the clinical psychologist 15 years.

I do not recall the first appointment. Pain was skyhigh at that time, and I had no meds. DrF says that we met in the oral surgeons office for the first 2 years. I don't recall any of that time there. The first appt I do remember, I warned him about minimalzation and said I didn't want to hear it from him. I shook his hand when I left, since I really didn't think I would get to see him again, since he believed my pain and suffering. (And ins. co tend to stay away from those kind of doctors.)

He is male, and I'm quite happy with this. I found women were too much into the "aaw honey, I've been through that and it isn't so bad..." Plus, I grew up with 4 men 3 brothers, and my dad... and talk more like a man than a woman.

He is pretty much the same age as me, and years ago, once he convinced me that my ptsd is quite compound (and ongoing) that he and I were going to grow old together. .. 15 years so far...

His style is warm, open, caring, listening. He doesn't take notes during the session, unless it's to write something down for me to remember, He keeps session notes separate from the information the insurance co can, and does, require he send them, so they never get any personal info they really aren't entitled to. He allows phone calls 24/7. I guess because we don't abuse the privilege and only page him when someone is desperate. We are allowed to leave as many messages on his voice mail, as needed, and he sometimes will call us back from them, even though we didn't ask. When we send the message priority, he calls within the hour... usually minutes he has even called me from a baseball game (GO MIAMI HURRICANES!) bless his heart.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is the main base of therapy. It becomes eclectic when I dabble into another zone... and decide to use something else. Usually what ever happens and makes good therapy, works. He is experienced with hypnotherapy, and also virtual reality therapy for phobias. I trust him in all.

Transference is not a problem, it's an expected part of good therapy. Since I used to be the psychologist behind the desk, it is probably easier for me to get into transference, and also to purposely draw him into it. He doesn't for long, and I know that he has a "confidant" that he shares any difficult issues, situations with so he stays very stable and safe for me.

Like I said, I saw him before the jaw surgery, but therapy didn't begin until afterwards... so it's been over 15 years.

He is an expert for pain patients, and also patients with PTSD. His understanding is remarkable, and his consistency is unbelievable. He knows what he knows, regardless of what any one expert might try to make me believe other... I can always see my T and find the same, safe answers from him.

I can, and do, discuss any topic with him. He has been married, and has a daughter. I have also presented my thoughts in a myriad of ways... acting out, anger, coyly, in riddles, you name it. Sometimes he becomes direct and reminds me no matter what, he stays safe for us... and we don't have to "attack" him or question him etc.

The main thing, he lets me be me as we try to become better. He doesn't allow any "blame" or "fault" for something that doesn't work out right... etc. It is a love hate relationship because he is the reason I have not committed suicide yet... because he cares, really cares... and lets me draw on his hope and his energy...

One of my biggest fears is that I will "lose" him...

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

How you found yours, did you shop around?

Age 11: My mother made me an appt with a therapist without even telling me. I had severe OCD at the time. I was terrified of going, and just put on my happy face and told her what she wanted so I didnt have to go. I went 3 times or so and then stopped, no one ever told me why. It definately wasnt because I got better.
Age 18:My mother 'found' a journal of mine, freaked out, and first made me an appt. with a Pdoc, who then referred me to my current T.

What the first appt was like?

I was TERRIFIED. I have severe anxiety issues and was literally squirming in the waiting room and trying to keep myself from hyperventalating. She called my mother back first for a few minutes, which were minutes of pure hell while I imagined what my mother was telling a complete stranger. Once she called me back I was very tense, and didnt really know where to start. Initially I was pretty intimidated by her, but I gradually warmed up to where I like her very much. The first visit consiisted mostly of me being very wary of what I told her, because I had no idea of what could happen to me if I told her the truth (e.g. about the cutting and suicidal ideation and anxiety and such).

When did you know it clicked, or not?

It took a while. It took a LONG while before I was able to reguard her as an actual human and not just a doctor. This is almost completely my fault, because it takes me ages to warm up to people and therefore talk about REAL things and not the weather.

Male or female selection and why?

I wanted a female. I suppose it was probably because I felt maybe I'd be able to relate to one more and there wouldnt be and sexual tension (?) there. I didn't CHOOSE a female though, it just happened that I was referred to one. I started off with a female Pdoc and then was switched to a male Pdoc, a move which terrified me at first, but I have since become to trust him and see past the whole gender thing.

Age difference and did it matter?

I never really thought about the age issue going into it, seeing as I didnt really shop around. If I had had alot of say in it I probably would have gone with someone around 40 or so, middle age, around the age of my parents. Probably psychologically to replace a 'mother figure' as im sure it could be.

Their personal style...open, warm, formal,stiff, etc.

She is very warm and open to me. This is mostly good at making me comfortable, but I often find myself sometimes wishing she was MORE formal and more structured in her asking me questions.

Type of therapy; CBT, psychoanalytic, eclectic (little bit of everything), couples, group, who-knows-it-helps, etc.

I would probably peg her kind as CBT/eclectic. Sometimes I smell a little bit of freud popping up in our discussions

Transference issues, if any

wow, I've come to rely on my T (and all my doctors for that matter) ALOT more than I should. Sometimes I borderline obsess over them just because I feel the need to have them at my disposition ALL the time. This is not saying I would stalk them or anything, but I do probably think about them alot more than I let on. I trust them so much and long for their comfort inbetween sessions. Especially my T, who has pretty much become the 'mother figure' in my life. I mean, I have a mother, but shes the mother I want to adopt me. So yes, theres definitely some transference going on.

How long you've been going

About a year and a half with my current T (I've also been in DBT for about 2 months if that counts for anything)

How you found yours, did you shop around? <font color=red>I got my psychiatrist through my family doctor, he reffered me to her.</font color=red>

What the first appt was like? <font color=red>anxiety ridden and terrified, i didn't want to go to my first appt</font color=red>

When did you know it clicked, or not? <font color=red>right away, lucky for me</font color=red>

Male or female selection and why? <font color=red>female, i don't feel comfortable talking to a male</font color=red>

Age difference and did it matter? <font color=red> it doesn't matter, i think she is in her 40's</font color=red>

Their personal style...open, warm, formal,stiff, etc.? <font color=red>warm, knowledgeable, senstive, open, willing ect, there isn't anything that I don't like about her actually</font color=red>

Type of therapy; CBT, psychoanalytic, eclectic (little bit of everything),: <font color=red>cbt, exposure (anxiety issues), talk therapy ect

How long you've been going: <font color=red>over 7 years now, since I was 16 (almost 24)</font color=red>

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Your response makes me want to start a thread on terminations. But maybe you should start it since you've had an experience worth talking about!

Gosh, that doesn't sound like the best way to process a termination. Seems very awkward and painful. I'm sorry you had to go through that. If my T did that, I'm quite sure that I would turn into a puddle of goo.

From the postings I've seen of yours here, I'm sure you'll make a wonderful counselor. And you've certainly learned a lot about dual relationships, and how NOT to handle a termination!
:-)

Emmy



"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Nope I see steve at Ozark Guidance Center its like a county mental health center.

Don't Blame me I just do what the Voices Tell me to do

Thank-you, Emmy. Therapy should not be a source of new trauma, but for me it has been several times. It's probably largely my own fault. In the beginning I was not able to communicate effectively. Besides that, long-standing low level depression with periodic deeper sinkholes just doesn't command that much attention, especially when you come from a moderately dysfunctional family that doesn't have anything that stands out enough to raise red flags, but just believes in keeping everything quiet.

I got decent grades, didn't cause trouble, was lucky enough not to get mixed up with the wrong crowds, didn't get involved with drugs or alcohol or behavior problems and tended to just quietly exist in the background. And since we were a military family and never stayed anyplace for very long, why should anyone have noticed me or taken an interest in me? So what if I might have had some potential to be somebody and couldn't access that potential? What difference did it make if I spent my life in quiet misery? At least I wasn't bothering anybody.

Oops, there I go again. Sorry - getting off topic. Do I sound like I've had enough therapy? Why should anything really change? I might have been heading in the right direction. I guess that looked good enough.

<font color=blue>***Rap pauses and considers that she should probably have started a new thread. Rap doesn't have that much energy at the moment. Maybe later.***</font color=blue>

Anyway, thanks Emmy for this thread and for your responses to me. It means a lot for somone to just acknowledge my experiences in this area. A thread about termination is a good idea.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

I think when a Therapist causes us trauma, for instance - a termination which did not go well, we should be able to go to a second therapist and send the bill to the FIRST therapist!

Ditto for T's who cannot handle their patient's transference with strength. I've heard such horror stories - definitely another thread topic to be! I'm hoping people will share the good and the bad so we can tell the difference when we run into issues in therapy. Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

How you found your T

I have had three T's... the first was picked by the Nurse Practictioner that perscribed me my meds...He was not someone that I got alone with very well

The second we were having family therapy becasuse of a girl that I had taken in to live with us and she had become a handful ... because I was seeing T # 1 and didn't like what was going on with him I asked if the family therapist would see me one on one too... That was ok for about a year when the girl ended up moving in with her biological mother and because we didn't need family therapy any longer T # 2 found me T # 3...

The first meeting with T # 1 was awful...I was so scared he was going to put me in the hospital because I had tried to commit suicide that I didn't say much of anything...

WIth T# 2 it was less stressful because we were seeing him for the family and he came to our house for family therapy I was able to sit outside the group because I had told him about my problems with therapy.

T#2 picked out T#3 and instead of just throwing me into a situation with someone I didn't know I had two meetings with T#3 while T#2 was there and he only stayed for a half hour and left me and T #2 to finish our meeting... I at least knew who my T now was before I saw him but I still had a really hard time talking to him for a few months... when the suicidal thoughts get bad I still have a hard time talking to him but it isn't him it's me.

I felt that we clicked after a few months but I have issues of feeling like I am a bother to everyone and tell him that it's my last session about every three months because I don't want to bother him.

Male... I always have gotten along better with men then women. Might have something to do with my mom dying when I was young and my stepmother being the wicked stepmom.

Didn't really know how old he was... thought he was around my age or even younger...I'm 40...turns out that he is almost 60 but don't look a day over 35... I really didn't want someone that was like fresh out of school... someone with more experience was better for me.

He is very warm and open... we can talk about anything that I need to talk about and I he knows I'm having a hard time talking about what is on my mind and just start to talk about my grandson or the weather he allows me to talk about it because he knows sooner or later I will deal with what is on my mind... and if it takes two hours and he has the time he will talk to me as long as I need to stay.

Tried group once... made it to two sessions... I didnt talk at all durning either session and one of the people made a comment that they needed to get me to talk and that was it for me... Can't even tell ya what the people looked like or if there were men, women, how many... I never looked at anyone.

I'm sure there were transference issues in the start... then he got married...he is a very important part of my life still...sometimes it's the only 3-D person I talk to in a week. everyone else is online or the three that I talk to on the phone...my two kids and a friend ... I can go the whole weeks without anyone but my T to talk to ...except my dogs.

I have been seeing my T for 6 years now...wow... it's been that long... hard to believe