I get so crazy on Tuesdays, the day I see my T. I see him at 5 o'clock, so I have to get through the whole day of work. Then I see him, and after an hour, it's gone. A whole week of waiting, only to wait a whole week again. I hate that.

During the day, I think about what I would like to tell him. I think about poems I'd like to read, dreams I'd like to talk about, but it doesn't usually go the way I planned it. I'm fine with that because I firmly believe that what needs to come out, will. BUT, after seeing him for a year and a half, I still have a really hard time with the premise of being able to say whatever I want to say in that room. That it's okay. Every week, I dream of going in and feeling the freedom to be completely honest. I am much better than I used to be, I used to not want to say anything at all. He always tells me, "Just talk." But it's hard. He knows that. He never pressures me. I think I pressure myself. I want to experience the same freedom with him, that I do when I write poetry-- the ability to say anything, no holding back. I have trouble going over my poetry with him because that reveals complete opennenss.

I feel empty. I want to talk about that with him today.

[sidony]

Hey pinksoil,

I can relate. I see my therapist today too! Though I'll see him late morning. I'm sitting here right now (pretending to work) wondering what I'll say and if I'll be able to say all the things I want. I hate waiting all week too. And after I talk to him I have to come back here and finish out the day of work (that sucks).

I always hope I won't hold back, but some days I feel bad afterward. Last week wasn't good so I'm really hoping today will be better! I hope it will go well for you too!

Sidony

HI Pinksoil, Your see by reading the threads on this forum that how your feeling is normal, and yes talking about how empty you feel with him is a good start!

[lauren_helene]

Wow, I see my T today too and might as well just say "ditto" to everything you all just said.

I guess I would add that I've never cried in any of my sessions in the whole year I've seen him. I cry afterwards in the car or at home in private.

I wish I could cry there but for some reason I can't...

[sidony]

Hey I've never cried in therapy either. I just can't seem to do that. Not emotionally expressive in that way!

Pinksoil!
I just got back from my therapy session. Today went really really well and I managed to say all the things I couldn't say last week (last week felt like a disaster). So now I am sitting here sending you good vibes!!!!!! I have you in my mind. Even though I don't know you I'm going to think about you this afternoon and hope that you get some positive waves from that. I am wishing you a really good session.

Sidony

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almeda24fan said:
Wow, I see my T today too and might as well just say "ditto" to everything you all just said.

I guess I would add that I've never cried in any of my sessions in the whole year I've seen him. I cry afterwards in the car or at home in private.

I wish I could cry there but for some reason I can't...

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I have never cried in session either!! I cry on the way home, too! I came close two sessions ago, because I was in the midst of 6-week long depression.... came very close, but the tears didn't come.

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sidony said:
Hey I've never cried in therapy either. I just can't seem to do that. Not emotionally expressive in that way!

Pinksoil!
I just got back from my therapy session. Today went really really well and I managed to say all the things I couldn't say last week (last week felt like a disaster). So now I am sitting here sending you good vibes!!!!!! I have you in my mind. Even though I don't know you I'm going to think about you this afternoon and hope that you get some positive waves from that. I am wishing you a really good session.

Sidony

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I'm glad for you, Sidony! And thank you so much for your kind words. Right now I am also (pretending) to work, and am anxious for my session. Forgive me, I like to add smileys that have no relevance to the post. I find it funny.

[sidony]

Once I left therapy, went down the stairs and to a restroom on the lobby level & went in there and cried. I could have gone back up the stairs and let him see me like that, but I didn't. Tears never come to me when I know someone will see.

Sidony

[sidony]

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pinksoil said:
I'm glad for you, Sidony! And thank you so much for your kind words. Right now I am also (pretending) to work, and am anxious for my session. Forgive me, I like to add smileys that have no relevance to the post. I find it funny.

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Hehe. I like the smiley. I'm having a hard time working even now since now I'm thinking about what we said in session earlier. I might write in my journal a bit. I guess I can just write off Tuesdays as being unproductive. :-)

Only a couple more hours for you! I hope it'll be an awesome session!

Sid

[sunrise]

I'm glad your session went so well today, sidony. It can be a really bad feeling when you wait all week for your appointment and then have a bad session. Such a letdown. So you done good today!

My session is today also, first time in two weeks. I can't wait, but am tense. I don't know what I'll talk about. I just want to let it flow today. Sometimes I have things I do want to address, but not today. It's been a hard last couple of weeks, so I'll just let that come out, I think.

I have cried little (for me) with my current T partly because he makes me feel so good. But there have been a couple of times. Once I cried with him unexpectedly. He just uncovered some sadness that I hadn't even known I was feeling. It was nice. Sometimes, I cry after session too. With my first T, I cried all the time, pretty much just fell apart and cried and cried. (I was seeing her during crisis mode). She sat there on the other side of the room while I cried. I felt lonely but yet that it was a safe place to cry.

Good luck and good session today, pinksoil!

Amazing session today. Didn't want to leave. I was able to talk about things..... For the first time, I was able to discuss my attachment towards him, fear of termination, told him how scared I get that he is randomly going tell me one day that he is moving away or something. He reassured me by saying that although he is not moving away, if anything like that should ever happen, there are ways we could continue talking together, like phone sessions and such. I started to get really upset, as if he had told me he was moving. I started to get angry like, "why is he even telling me something like this if he's not going anywhere, I'm only going to get upset..." and for the first time, I was able to express this anger to him. Now I am reassured, not angry anymore. It was a very productive session, now is the hard part-- waiting a full week to go back. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me today.

[sidony]

That's awesome pinksoil!!! I'm so glad to hear it went well. It makes the waiting a little easier too. :-)

Sidony

[sunrise]

Pinksoil, that's wonderful that you had such an amazing session. I think I would have had the exact same reaction you did if my T started discussing phone sessions with me.

I had my session today too. I shared some stuff that I had been holding back from T but that had to come out. Some bad stuff. He said, why didn't you tell me this before? I felt like he was kind of disturbed, maybe even appalled, and he said as we ended our session, "I'm going to have to think about this." He's never said that to me before. It's kind of scary. The whole session was kind of scary. As people who've read my posts here the last couple of months will know, I have a rather idyllic relationship with my T. I just love the guy, he has helped me so much, and our sessions are almost always amazing. I realized at my last session that he was not giving me good advice because I had been withholding certain information from him, so I spilled it this time to remedy that dissonance. Now, I feel like we've left the Garden of Eden or something. The idyllic phase is in the past. I don't even know how our sessions will be from now on. I feel like we can't go back to what it was like before. If I'm being cryptic, I'm sorry. I'm a bit rattled.

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sunrise said:
Pinksoil, that's wonderful that you had such an amazing session. I think I would have had the exact same reaction you did if my T started discussing phone sessions with me.

I had my session today too. I shared some stuff that I had been holding back from T but that had to come out. Some bad stuff. He said, why didn't you tell me this before? I felt like he was kind of disturbed, maybe even appalled, and he said as we ended our session, "I'm going to have to think about this." He's never said that to me before. It's kind of scary. The whole session was kind of scary. As people who've read my posts here the last couple of months will know, I have a rather idyllic relationship with my T. I just love the guy, he has helped me so much, and our sessions are almost always amazing. I realized at my last session that he was not giving me good advice because I had been withholding certain information from him, so I spilled it this time to remedy that dissonance. Now, I feel like we've left the Garden of Eden or something. The idyllic phase is in the past. I don't even know how our sessions will be from now on. I feel like we can't go back to what it was like before. If I'm being cryptic, I'm sorry. I'm a bit rattled.

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Sunrise-- Wow. Wow. Were we in each other's sessions? lol... That's what I talked about with my T. I told him that I idealize him, and that if I told him certain things, or if I admitted that I am angry or frustrated with him, that would "ruin" our relationship in my eyes... I told him it was like putting a big, black streak over a perfect painting. That it was too risky for me. You are not being cryptic, I understand exactly what you mean.

[sunrise]

Thank you, pinksoil.

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I told him it was like putting a big, black streak over a perfect painting. That it was too risky for me.

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What did he say when you told him that?

We never got to that point. I told him a lot of stuff but we didn't really discuss why I hadn't told him before. I feel really, really rattled by this. I feel like I've wrecked our relationship and it will never be the same. At the same time, I feel very self-indulgent and selfish for thinking that, as there are critical problems to solve in my life that impact others, and I can't sit around bemoaning the loss of a relationship with some guy I pay every week to talk to me.

[Talulah]

Hey Guys, my day is tuesday too!!! (must be the popular therapy day ha ha). I go at 5:30 usually. I'm her last....always.

Wow and ditto to much except I'm a cryer......I used to cry (or weep) at every session. After I got on some meds I don't really at all. If I do, it's at a random unrelated event, like my emotions aren't connecting to the right place and time. It's very frustrating that way.

Pinksoil, glad you had such an amazing session, I love it when that happens.....wish it was every time that way.

I hate the in-between....hate it. I'm supposed to email her during the week so she can decide what we talk about because I HATE deciding that, and she knows it. I email her but it's bizarre what direction she takes with it sometimes.....even though I really don't know what I want to talk about. Guess I thought she'd pick and dig more.

Anyway.............keep feeling the "high" from your session and let your t know how great it was......I always do that when I go back, and she loves to hear me say I thought we had a good session.

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sunrise said:
Thank you, pinksoil.

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I told him it was like putting a big, black streak over a perfect painting. That it was too risky for me.

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What did he say when you told him that?

We never got to that point. I told him a lot of stuff but we didn't really discuss why I hadn't told him before. I feel really, really rattled by this. I feel like I've wrecked our relationship and it will never be the same. At the same time, I feel very self-indulgent and selfish for thinking that, as there are critical problems to solve in my life that impact others, and I can't sit around bemoaning the loss of a relationship with some guy I pay every week to talk to me.

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When I told him that, he didn't really say much, but he didn't have to-- he just completely conveyed his understanding.

When you talk about your relationship with your therapist in therapy, don't think of it as a waste of time-- I used to think the same... That I have all these outside things going on, so why am I sitting here with this guy, talking about my relationship with this guy?! Then I began to learn how very significant my interaction with my T is, in relation to my interactions with my other relationships in life. At times, it is like a mirror.

[Talulah]

I agree that discussing how you relate to your T IS important. I often find great help in asking her questions and "checking in" with her in response to me. We discuss OUR relationsip quite often as it helps me see and understand how she is relating to me, understaning me and how she is/can help me.

It is one of the most important relationships in your life right now, so it makes complete sense that you two would discuss your relationship.

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
Amazing session today. Didn't want to leave. I was able to talk about things..... For the first time, I was able to discuss my attachment towards him, fear of termination, told him how scared I get that he is randomly going tell me one day that he is moving away or something. me today.

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I have to say, I'm amazed at how similar your fears and mine are. Guess what though? My T told me he is moving but it's a few years from now. I'm already dreading it.

He has known of my attachment for a long time. From the research I have done on the internet, it seems that this is necessary for true healing....however I can't find out how this ends!!

My T insists that if I had more of an emotional connection with my husband, it would break with him....what do you think of that?? True or not?

[sunrise]

I'm still feeling really bad about our session. Our topic was not about my T and me, although we've done that before. I've never felt it was a waste of time to discuss our relationship, and we've certainly dove in and done just that, although I'm not the best at being direct about it. But my dreams have helped us get there. No, this time it wasn't about us. I just feel we will never be the same after this, never as close as we were. I told him stuff I should have shared with him ages ago. It almost makes everything we've done up to this seem under false pretenses somehow. I feel really bad. I was really upset, so I called him today, which I have never ever done, except to cancel/change an appointment. I never contacted my first T either for anything other than that between appointments. So it was a very big deal for me to call him. I don't like being so needy to people. I left a message and he called back a few hours later. It wasn't a great call. He seemed distant. He said he guessed he had been kind of hard, but he wanted me to realize how serious this was. I said I did. He said he wouldn't do anything and he would see me next week.

I think everything between us is changed now. Bye to the Garden. I'm not sure what next week will bring. I guess I would just want to say to him, I am so sorry.

[sidony]

Sunrise, I'm so sorry to read about this. I can relate about the phone calls though! I think I've only ever called my therapist twice (when it wasn't to change an appointment time) so it's always a big deal for me.

I bet you will be able to talk through this stuff. I bet therapists are totally used to people leaving out stuff when they talk! It's really hard to talk about a lot of issues. I know there's stuff I haven't talked about. But wait and give it a chance. You might actually feel closer afterward and only the interim will be scary. At least that's what I'm hoping!!!

Let us know how it goes.
Sidony

[sunrise]

Sidony, thank you so much for your comments. I found them hopeful, especially the one about maybe T and I will actually be closer after this. I'm not sure if I believe that, but at least it gives me a little hope. I think when I see him next week, I'll just apologize from the heart, tell him some more stuff I didn't get through last time, lay it all on the line. And promise not to withhold stuff anymore. It will be honesty from now on. Oddly, I thought I was honest before, and nothing I said was dishonest, but by withholding stuff, that is a form of dishonesty. I see that now. I feel bad I did that. I have been very selfish in therapy. It's hard to face one's flaws and admit to mistakes.

I think having a week between sessions will be really good for me this time. I need to sit in this and reflect.

sunrise, I don;t think dishonest is being fair on yourself. We do what we can do until we can do more! Nothing is a waste!

[lauren_helene]

Sunrise,

Where do I begin? First of all, do not blame yourself. You did finally tell him whatever it is that you needed to. It is his job to hear it and adjust.

My T once told me that it takes a long time to trust someone when we talk about our "dark side" and he has said almost everyone has a dark side.

I'm new here so I'm sure I'm missing some details but I wanted to say that be glad that you said whatever it is you needed to. You trusted him enough to "go there"...if he doesn't handle this right, it will undue all of your progress.

Hugs~

[sunrise]

Well, tomorrow is my much anticipated/dreaded appointment with T, first one since our session where I dropped all the stuff I had been withholding from him. I'm still feeling bad, but have tried not to obsess about it. I've just not dealt with the feelings but now they are starting to creep up on me as tomorrow approaches. I still plan to just tell him from the heart just how very sorry I am. I'm scared to know how he will react. Will he accept my apology? Will he not? Will we ever be the same again? Is our amazing relationship over and now we will just be workmanlike and distant? When these things happen in real life, I tend to walk away. I am not walking away from T. <font color="#AAAAAA">unless he pushes me....</font> I'm kind of scared. Aaaackkk, therapy!