[rainbow8]

We've had threads about not being able to make or maintain eye contact with our Ts. But WHY is it so hard? She told me at my session that babies look intently at their mothers but then they look away for a few seconds. I wonder why.

I can look at my T when she's in her normal spot, but she moves her chair closer to hold my hand. I had my eyes closed most of the time because I couldn't look into her eyes. She looked pretty but I don't think that's it. It felt more like fear and shame about her seeing me so closely. I'm not afraid of her I don't think.

So what is it about eye contact, anyway? Why do most people want to look away? Why is it so hard when T is looking at me closely? Maybe I'm afraid she's judging me but I know she's not. Or leftover shyness?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So what is it about eye contact, anyway? Why do most people want to look away? Why is it so hard when T is looking at me closely? Maybe I'm afraid she's judging me but I know she's not. Or leftover shyness?

I think you can still FEEL judged - thats your ingrained habit, your way of dealing with people, how you learned to react in your family of origin - even though you know its not what she is doing. You break your habit by opening your eyes and talking to her and NOT feeling judged but feeling accepted, and letting that become your new experience of how it is to be in the world. Your foo may have been constantly judging you to see if you were "still" sick from being premature, looking for signs - that could have been unnerving and unsettling and unexplicably strange to you.

[stopdog]

I don't look at them

[Silent Void]

I have trouble looking anyone in the eye.

[BeGentle]

First off, I can't believe she holds your hand....Oh, how I wish he would hug me or hold my hand. I go back and forth with eye contact. If I am in an agitated state, I always look away and if he looks at me I snap at him telling not to look at me. I get so pissed as he tries to access me. When we are in a good, learning stage and he is really trying to convey a point, I look into his eyes because I am really trying to absorb "him" and love the feeling of his authenticity flowing into me. It's really hard to be vulnerable and share your heart. Maybe, the more time you spend in counseling, you will relax and feel safer. You may not be afraid of her, you may be afraid of "it". Think about what "it" could be.

Eyes are the window to the soul, and all that... Definitely true of me... I occasionally still very much long to sit with t and look into her eyes and feel her looking into mine while we are talking... I miss the comfort of it still. That's the one drawback to phone sessions... No eye contact. Sigh.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[ThisWayOut]

I was always taught not to look people in the eye, it's disrespectful... but it also leaves me feeling really vulnerable. I can't look at my T most of the time. It's too intense. The only time I can look at her is if we are talking about innane stuff, like scheduling or if I plan on heading to the beach anytime soon...

[skysblue]

The reason I don't look T in the eye some of the time is that when I get more interior with my thoughts and feelings 'I'm not there' anyway. I'm getting in touch with myself. Eye contact is a distraction.

When we're having conversation, I DO make contact.

[kororain]

In normal day to day operations, I have no issues with eye contact. I have zero desire to have prolonged eye contact with T though. Zero. We're not intimate and I don't really care to be.

There's one person on the planet I've ever really had that intimate, long eye contact with, and it certainly wasn't her.

[~Christina]

I dont have any trouble with eye contact with my T . There is mutual trust maybe that plays into it .

[sweepy62]

Rainbow, looking into your t eyes especially when you care, makes you feel even a deeper connection, a non verbal strong emotional moment, maybe subconsciously you are afraid or trying to avoid it? For me, I think thats the case.

[Petra5ed]

It makes you vulnerable. It's not just two people looking at each other, it's a deep communication. You can look into a persons eyes and "see" the person. Words are just intellectualizations of thoughts and feelings, and thoughts and feelings can both be read via eye contact. If you read this article on the power of eye contact you'll see what I mean, it's powerful stuff. The Power of Eye Contact ? Make Someone Fall in Love With You! - Psychologia

[NowhereUSA]

i make frequent eye contact with my t. if i'm talking about something very personal, i don't but that's because i'm in my head. my looking away is because i'm trying to think really hard without a neuron exploding lol. however, i do glance back at him and when we're conversing, i make direct eye contact.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think you can still FEEL judged - thats your ingrained habit, your way of dealing with people, how you learned to react in your family of origin - even though you know its not what she is doing. You break your habit by opening your eyes and talking to her and NOT feeling judged but feeling accepted, and letting that become your new experience of how it is to be in the world. Your foo may have been constantly judging you to see if you were "still" sick from being premature, looking for signs - that could have been unnerving and unsettling and unexplicably strange to you.

Interesting theory, hankster. Thank you. I was too shy to look anyone in the eyes.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't look at them

Why not?

Originally Posted by Silent Void

I have trouble looking anyone in the eye.

Do you know why?

Originally Posted by BeGentle

First off, I can't believe she holds your hand....Oh, how I wish he would hug me or hold my hand. I go back and forth with eye contact. If I am in an agitated state, I always look away and if he looks at me I snap at him telling not to look at me. I get so pissed as he tries to access me. When we are in a good, learning stage and he is really trying to convey a point, I look into his eyes because I am really trying to absorb "him" and love the feeling of his authenticity flowing into me. It's really hard to be vulnerable and share your heart. Maybe, the more time you spend in counseling, you will relax and feel safer. You may not be afraid of her, you may be afraid of "it". Think about what "it" could be.

I've been with this t for over 4 years so that's not the reason. I feel safe with her especially when holding her hand. I said in my other thread that it's a planned technique, the hand holding. If you or anyone else wants touch in T, look for a T who does somatic experiencing or body therapy. Your T sounds good, though.

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Eyes are the window to the soul, and all that... Definitely true of me... I occasionally still very much long to sit with t and look into her eyes and feel her looking into mine while we are talking... I miss the comfort of it still. That's the one drawback to phone sessions... No eye contact. Sigh.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm sorry. It sounds like you had a wonderful connection with your T. Didn't you recently post about seeing her, or am I mixing you up with someone else?

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I was always taught not to look people in the eye, it's disrespectful... but it also leaves me feeling really vulnerable. I can't look at my T most of the time. It's too intense. The only time I can look at her is if we are talking about innane stuff, like scheduling or if I plan on heading to the beach anytime soon...

Yeah. I feel vulnerable sort of, I guess.

Originally Posted by skysblue

The reason I don't look T in the eye some of the time is that when I get more interior with my thoughts and feelings 'I'm not there' anyway. I'm getting in touch with myself. Eye contact is a distraction.

When we're having conversation, I DO make contact.

It IS a distraction to look at her. She wants me to go inside to feel her hand but I wonder WHY she is such a distraction.

Originally Posted by kororain

In normal day to day operations, I have no issues with eye contact. I have zero desire to have prolonged eye contact with T though. Zero. We're not intimate and I don't really care to be.

There's one person on the planet I've ever really had that intimate, long eye contact with, and it certainly wasn't her.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I dont have any trouble with eye contact with my T . There is mutual trust maybe that plays into it .

thank you.
I think it's more than trust. I trust my T. It's just hard when she's looking right at me!

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Rainbow, looking into your t eyes especially when you care, makes you feel even a deeper connection, a non verbal strong emotional moment, maybe subconsciously you are afraid or trying to avoid it? For me, I think thats the case.

Your answer seems to fit the best. The connection when looking into her eyes is too intense but I want it.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

It makes you vulnerable. It's not just two people looking at each other, it's a deep communication. You can look into a persons eyes and "see" the person. Words are just intellectualizations of thoughts and feelings, and thoughts and feelings can both be read via eye contact. If you read this article on the power of eye contact you'll see what I mean, it's powerful stuff. The Power of Eye Contact ? Make Someone Fall in Love With You! - Psychologia

I read the article. My T has big eyes; is she causing those love chemicals in me? Lol! I always loved her eyes!!!

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i make frequent eye contact with my t. if i'm talking about something very personal, i don't but that's because i'm in my head. my looking away is because i'm trying to think really hard without a neuron exploding lol. however, i do glance back at him and when we're conversing, i make direct eye contact.

Thanks! Your reaction makes sense.

[stopdog]

I do make eye contact with people in real life. I only look at the therapist when angry.

[Silent Void]

Rainbow, I was abused as a child. That is why. I have a huge problem dealing with people.

[jpny]

I have a very difficult time just looking at my T. At first I guess it wasn't an issue but as time has passed I find it incredibly hard to look at him. Lately, I don't think I end up looking at him at all. It's not just feeling vulnerable but, not knowing him and him not understanding things that are so painful....I tend to cry a lot. (FYI, been going to T for way too long...3+ yrs)

[msxyz]

I hardly ever look at my therapist.

Originally Posted by artemis-within View Post
Eyes are the window to the soul, and all that... Definitely true of me... I occasionally still very much long to sit with t and look into her eyes and feel her looking into mine while we are talking... I miss the comfort of it still. That's the one drawback to phone sessions... No eye contact. Sigh.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm sorry. It sounds like you had a wonderful connection with your T. Didn't you recently post about seeing her, or am I mixing you up with someone else?

Thanks. I haven't actually seen her since Nov of 2012. We've been doing phone sessions ever since she moved though. Musta been somebody else.... we do have a very deep connection though that both of us feel every time we talk.

[anilam]

Babies, once their eyes actually see STG- in the beginning they do stare blankly which many mothers decode as a deep attachment- will follow their mothers eye movements, trying to see what she's looking at cause that's important.
Prolonged staring is a sign of threat most ppl are uncomfortable with- we do share this with many other species. When you look into other ppl eyes you are actually checking what their intentions are.

[iheartjacques]

Being deaf, I have to lipread. And it makes it so hard when I'm really upset. Because it feels too intense sometimes. I look down when I'm crying, I look at the wall or the books when I'm describing something. But I'll look at him when he talks, and when I'm saying hi and bye. He has such kind eyes and an expressive face. One time he was pissed at me and it wasn't much fun seeing that in his face, or body language even.

[OneWorld]

For me, I think there are two reasons. Sometimes I can't look at her because I have deep levels of shame and I am afraid of being judged. Other times, I can't look into her eyes because she's not judging me. When I look her in the eye and see acceptance instead of judgment, I feel like I'm going to lose the tight grip I have in my emotions.

So I can't look because I think she will judge and I can't look if I know she isn't judging. That translates into only looking at her when we are chatting about the week at the beginning.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So what is it about eye contact, anyway? Why do most people want to look away?

I think the answers to these questions are unique to each person.

My eye contact is bad because I'm autistic. I don't pay much attention to nonverbal cues. Words are how I navigate social interactions. People who don't know me think I am not interested in them, because I tend to look away when I listen and talk. When I do look at them, I usually look at their mouth or forehead. Sometimes they will ask, and I will tell them why. After they know it isn't a problem.

Whenever I see medical professionals I tell them about this so they won't misinterpret it.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It felt more like fear and shame about her seeing me so closely.

That's why you don't look. What are you afraid and ashamed of? When you work through the fear and shame you won't have trouble looking at her or letting her look at you.

I was afraid of being revealed but once I started revealing myself to us, I did not have that fear anymore so not as much problem with the intimacy.

[SeekerOfLife]

I realized recently that I associate eye contact with anger.