I just come back from T. Something on this forum had set of some deep feelings in me. The "keep posts supportive" threat hit a nerve with me. I told T that there is a side of me she hasn't seen yet. I described how unsupportive I am and how i have little tolarence for others.

I said about here and how I see some people all posting huggy and lovey dovey posts and I can't. I said how I look at my dog and just want to push her down all the time. This anger inside me builds!

T said dont you think other people feel they just want to "kick" (figure of speech) the dog? I said no, she asked if I didn't think maybe that other people do indeed have these thoughts but are just in denial?

I said I dunno, maybe but I have to say it the way it is! and she asked me why saying it as it is isn't supportive? I said I dunno, I just feel different.

I said like I feel at times saying to people "oh get real and don't waste my time" T said didn't I think in her personal life these are thoughts she has also? that in her professional role they have been trained out!

I was so pleased to hear that, she said that I have idolised her and put everything that is good in me, into her. I can't see that yet. She said I've taken everything bad and put it in me and put anything good about me into the "outside"

She talked some more about how some people may "appear" supportive but are infact covering up their own "bad" parts as we all have good and bad.

But I said I can't seem to find anything in me. But then I had to compare my real life to online life. I do have people that choose to talk to me about problems, so T said they must find me supportive? Its different online, the conversations are 2D you can't get a good even flow going. What you say is left their for hours for all different interpretations, where a IRL 3D conversation ebbs and flows.

I then told her how I notice when I enter our room I push her cushions away and with one finger push the kleenex box away and then I put my hand up toward her and said I push you away as well.

I told her I dont understand what I am saying now but I know it hurts. I said I feel to keep you I have to keep you at bay? T said that I feel if I allow her in, I will destroy her.

Yes thats it, it hurts. I,m afraid I destroy everything good. I post in a thread and I feel I've destroyed any good posts in there.

Maybe I'm not so bad, maybe I just misunderstand myself.

I'm tired now, to many tears.

bye bye

[Perna]

Sounds like a really good, hard session!

Hope the good stuff sinks in so you feel stronger rather than sad.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Mouse.
It is good to say how you feel at your therapy sessions even though you feel as if part of you is getting unvcoverd that has been supressed for far too long. This is very progressive learning ot let go is the hardest thing to learn for a lot of people, fortunately you are getting very good at sharing with your therapist. I hope you get some rest and feel better soon. Take care Mouse. Soidhonia

[sunrise]

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mouse_ said:
Something on this forum had set of some deep feelings in me. The "keep posts supportive" threat hit a nerve with me.

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Mouse, I'm very curious about that. I haven't seen a keep posts supportive threat here. Can you tell me where that is? I would like to read it. Who made the threat? Was it a moderator? I've considered the moderators here to be fairly unobtrusive and non-directive (which is a good thing, to me).

Mouse, I consider you a very supportive member of psychcentral! (((hugs))) lol, sorry

sorry! it should read "thread" not "threat" LOL geez talk about a freudien slip or what LOL

[sunrise]

That's very funny, mouse, but where is this thread you are talking about? I would like to read it.

sunrise, its in the General Forum "Keep responses supportive" as I say it just triggered of something in me.

Still I keep giggling over my freudian slip LOLPMP!! it must feel like a threat to me LOL. Which actually it does because I wonder who puts themselves in the "judges" seat? Who is saying they know what someone else needs to hear? Oh see now you got me started LOL!

[January]

(((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))

I have found you to be a caring and supportive member. All of us, whether irl or online have our moments when we're not happy and we're angry. There have been times I didn't feel supportive at all and put the phone under cushions and shut the door so I wouldn't have to answer one more call from someone wanting something from me.

We all have good moods and not so good moods. It's part of the human experience.

You do have good in you, Mouse. I have seen it.

Gentle hugs,
if ok

Jan

PS. I'll try to clear up the confusion on the "supportive" posts. When a person posts, we ask the posts be supportive to the poster.

[WinterRose]

I hold a similar belief as your therapist that if we see good or bad in another person, we only recognize it because it is also in ourselves.

What do you find supportive mouse?

WinterRose, Good question! I like people to engage me. Yes thats what I find supportive. Posts such as "Oh honey or oh sweetie" I find condencending. I appricate honesty from others even if at the time it hurts me. To be honest as long as namecalling isn't included I'm fine with most replys. Even If someone wsa to reply to me that they think I'm wrong and then tell me why. Thats fine also! I think even if someone was to tell me that get pissed of with my "whinging" LOL, i'd be fine as well! I dunno I've got a BS detector that is finely tuned LOL, maybe because of my own BS LOL!

[bipolar_bear]

There are times when I can be so awful. Totally non supportive. I suppose I just don't post when I feel like that. I am not saying that is the right thing it is just the way I am. No one wants you to be someone other than who you are whatever that is. And certainly not huggy or lovey dovey if that is not you. We like you for who you are.

I have said some terrible things to my therapist. The one place that I have been told it is all right. And I have terrible thoughts all the time. You are not alone in that. I think part of healing is learning to accept all of ourselves the good and bad.

I don't know if you like IM but that is one way to have a real time conversation with someone. Just a thought.

Well this is probably becoming one of those huggy posts but I am a bear what can you expect.

Bipolar Bear. yes I do IM, I also talk irl too. I think maybe I am battling internally with letting go of internet life and making the final step into real life. for some reason internet life frustrates me unyet I am unable to make that step into real life completely. I know there is a half way with this. Not an all or nothing B/W thing, I have a lot of personal issues with intimacy and get angry at my onw inablity to just get into life.

I know when I read some posts the feelings I experience are my own frustrations and fears. I've been online for 4yrs now funny enought I made a real good friend from the other side of the world online who is actully coming to stay with me in 5weeks time for the 2nd time. I know when shes here in flesh and blood I loose all my "need" for online support.

Maybe I hate the fact I still need online support and that angers me! I think that is alot to do with it.

with time I will work through this and what is meant to be will be.

You know I think I know why the word "supportive" triggers me. Why reading "supportive" posts angers me? Its my shame at coming from a very unsupportive home!. I don't know what its like. I dont feel worthy in supportive atmosphere. I need to bring things to how I am used too.

I think until I've resolved this myself I should stay away. Shame is a powerful emotion! all consuming. My problem to deal with!

[WinterRose]

But what if being here and posting is part of what is assisting you in dealing with it and building new patterns and experiences for you? You really do seem to get a lot out of writing things up mouse - I seem to see you gaining insights as you write.

I also agree that internet life is a little undersatisfying. Something is just missing without the face to face interactions. Too much anonymity I think. So you can't always know what's real. At the same time, it's easier to say stuff because no one knows who you are.

Have some fun with your visiting friend. I'd have a hard time waiting the 5 weeks though.

Yes Winter, your right. Maybe I need to be where I dont feel I shoujld be? I know when I first started out everyohe was a c**t and a w***ker. Man i've even got myself barred from 2 sites LOL!

I think I need to have siggy though that says, do not allow to reply to others posts LOL! and do not allow to drink water after midnight LOL yes maybe I should have used Gremlin instead of mouse?

I shall refrain from replying and only post my own queiries? I dont like who I am I want to change but don;t know how too. I cant shoot myself because we haven't got a gun.

bye

i don't think a gun is nessercary. I feel bad I feel i will be shunned i feel everyone is laughing i feel everyone is talking about me i feel my life as it is right now isn't worth it i feel teh pain is more than i can bear, wrong time wrong place a corpse that should never have been born i am sorry for anything or anyone that maybe harmed by me here let the lights go out

[Juliana]

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mouse_ said: I dunno I've got a BS detector that is finely tuned LOL, maybe because of my own BS LOL!

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LOL. I'm like that too, Mouse. My BS detector has spidey senses... and I'm cool with people calling me on my own BS. I can be very intolerant when I think people are being fake. I also have a huge problem with people telling me what to do or think or being condescending to me. People in my real life know that it's okay to debate with me and argue with me. I like a good debate... and sometimes it turns out I lose the debate and I realize I was wrong... but that's a good thing. That's how I learn more about myself. I get fed up when people aren't open to discussion and try to tell me what to do or talk down to me.

So, I can be a very supportive person. I think that's why so many people feel comfortable confiding in me. But, if I see BS, I'll call BULLSH*T! That's just the way I am and I don't think it makes me a bad person. When someone isn't being REAL, I will usually tell them what I think and hope that they're open to my opinion.

We all have things that push our buttons and that's a good thing. It's good to know who we are and have strong opinions. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, but whenever she gets into religious territory and starts trying to push her beliefs on me, I tell her to stop. I respect other people's beliefs and I like discussion about beliefs, but I expect people to respect my right to my own beliefs and not proselytize or push their own agenda on me. That's just who I am... and you are who you are. Embrace who you are. Knowing who you are and having opinions and being open to debate is a good thing, IMO. Life would be pretty damn boring if everyone agreed on everything all the time.

[Juliana]

I won't shun you. I've read a lot of your posts and I like who you are. You're smart and you're real and I appreciate that.

Mouse, I think you are very supportive here.

But it sounds like you'd like to be supportive in a specific way and there's nothing wrong with wanting that.

I try to be supportive but I think I just come off sounding stupid or .. blah. Others, like January are so caring! I wish I could be more like that. I wish I could articulate my empathy. I can feel it but it gets lost I think.

Your sharing is supportive. Your openness is supportive. You have the ability to say a lot with a quick short post.

I think you have a awesome T too.

ECHOES

I like the psychotherapy forum because it's not so much a "hugs" and "support" forum, but more of a discussion about the therapy experience-- I have been amazed to find out how similar experiences can be-- There are so many feelings I hold towards my T that I thought were abnormal and/or embarrassing-- and now I have seen normal they are. I have found that writing here is like having an amazing insight journal of my own-- I write in my journal at home, but a lot of time it's just rambling, free association stuff. Sometimes there will be a discussion of transference or something on here, I'll make a post, and have a realization or new insight of what's going on with me.

Personally, Mouse, I love reading your posts because you are so insightful and obviously benefiting from T. A lot of the things you write make me think a whole lot deeper about my own situation-- especially when you write something that I can relate directly to. I will think "oh, I never thought about it that way..." and then I can elaborate. That's a form of a very indirect support-- the most helpful I can think of on this forum.

[sunrise]

I agree with what you wrote about the psychotherapy forum, pinksoil. There are more ways of being supportive than giving hugs (although we have those here too in this forum!) and sometimes just sharing of information is supportive in and of itself. I have learned so much from reading about others' psychotherapy experiences. Sometimes it validates my own experience because it makes me feel like I am not weird after all. Other times it gives me new ideas for things to try or bring up in therapy. And I must admit, sometimes it makes me feel deficient because of certain things lacking in my psychotherapy. But I think those feelings are ones that promote growth, and they don't make me feel unsupported, just challenged.

But I still like the hugs too!

pinksoil, your post makes a whole lot of sense!!

I just feel shhhhiiiiiittttttttt right now...of course surprise surprise, t going on holiday over the easter...friday is our last session for 2 weeks...thought i had it in the bag this time....thought I'd deal with it soooooooooo much better.....being wanting to use for the last couple of weeks...wanting to ease that deep deep ache in my soul...that ache that you can't let anyone outside of T see!!...on the drive to t yesterday in the car i felt like a monster was in me that wants to harm me....that i was powerless over it...wasn't even thinking about t as I drove there...wasn't until I got in our room that i realised the anger and wanting to harm myself was now being directed at the therapy room and at t...the colours started to fade but no buzz in my head that normally accompanys this disocating out....it appears i've already zone out way before arriving at t...I got angry at t and told her that I know she's going to link my discomfort and irritablity wiht the break and Its NOT! she just raised her eyes and smiled...that so annoying "really" smile....then it started to reveal itself to me...the pain is connected to the break...but I dont want it to be because there's %#@&#! all i can do about it...i have no power over when t takes a break or not...i told her i am loosing hope that i will ever been any better regarding breaks...that i've tried to keep it consious in my mind...i've tried to admit i dont like breaks...all of course within my control..but the real feelings around the breaks are out of my control...after we talked i said i don;'t understand because i feels i am generilising about how i will be in the break because looking back on previous breaks they've never been as bad as i am fearing it to be..why is that??????? she said because the fear is coming from something that's already happened...being taken away from your birth mother being put with someone else that didn't smell right or sound rigth and mourning this loss but no one realising your feelings ...the breaks is just reminding you off all this old stuff...the fear is from a time when you were "slone" and powerless...when she said that i saw clearly what the real break is and what it isnt..but i said the fear is awful..t said what happened was awful...i'm stuck at the moment between todays reality and then the fear comes up and seems as if its todays fear!....she said the wanting to use strongly at the moment is also proberbly memorys of the withdrawal i had ot go through at birth as my birth mother was also detoxing at my birth...

t reminded me that i said i wanted to do something different this time...i wanted to borrow one of her books so that i can hold onto something of her and m e...i have borrowed it already and i look at it and thten i can remember t is real...

i hate this shitttttttt

[Perna]

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mouse_ said:
Still I keep giggling over my freudian slip LOLPMP!! it must feel like a threat to me LOL. Which actually it does because I wonder who puts themselves in the "judges" seat? Who is saying they know what someone else needs to hear? Oh see now you got me started LOL!

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Mouse, maybe you need these Freudian Slippers? :-)

http://www.uncommongoods.com/item/it...FQR1ZQod8yYyKw

LOL!

mouse, when i first came here, i told people that i didn't like the hugs............i'm better now but i do understand what you're saying......my BS detector is on "high" and rarely fails me. i am very blunt and direct IRL and probably also online more than some are comfortable with.

i never have figured out why we have to dance around something. i'd rather get to the point and get on with it...........xoxoxo pat