[purplemoon]

Hey guys - I know I go away and then come back - please forgive me. I have many issues. Anyhow it seems as though I am at a crossroads in therapy. Our session took a new turn today, and I was a complete idiot. I don't know what to do. This last year in therapy has been very crisis ridden. There have been so many changes in my life - it is nothing like it was a year ago. In therapy we have been dealing with the crisis' and the changes. The changes would never have come about without therapy - they are a direct result of therapy. Anyhow today I was telling my T about the most recent developements and T was so very happy and there I was - just there. I should be happy - I am not, I just want to get on a plane and go far away - there are a lot of positives that should make me happy going on in my life and I just am miserable and want to go far far away. I told T this today - he thinks it is time that I begin to share my thoughts - I am scared to death. I couldn't even speak, it was horrible. He told me that if I wasn't comfortable with him he would refer me to a female. It isn't him. I can't even hardly look at these things let alone talk about them. I could never ever start with someone else. I know it is time to open up but I am so afraid. What if he decides he doesn't want to do this? What if it is too much for him. I am so afraid to and yet I know that I have to. How do I explain this to T. I don't know where to start or what to say. It was a huge leap for me to tell him that I haven't been doing very well the last few weeks. I am so confused. I have to wait a whole week to go back. It is so hard for me to get through a day. I can not even imagine if I did not have T to go to once a week. I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I am so devestated. I am so afraid.

[lauren_helene]

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purplemoon said:
Hey guys - I know I go away and then come back - please forgive me. I have many issues. Anyhow it seems as though I am at a crossroads in therapy. Our session took a new turn today, and I was a complete idiot. I don't know what to do. This last year in therapy has been very crisis ridden. There have been so many changes in my life - it is nothing like it was a year ago. In therapy we have been dealing with the crisis' and the changes. The changes would never have come about without therapy - they are a direct result of therapy. Anyhow today I was telling my T about the most recent developements and T was so very happy and there I was - just there. I should be happy - I am not, I just want to get on a plane and go far away - there are a lot of positives that should make me happy going on in my life and I just am miserable and want to go far far away. I told T this today - he thinks it is time that I begin to share my thoughts - I am scared to death. I couldn't even speak, it was horrible. He told me that if I wasn't comfortable with him he would refer me to a female. It isn't him. I can't even hardly look at these things let alone talk about them. I could never ever start with someone else. I know it is time to open up but I am so afraid. What if he decides he doesn't want to do this? What if it is too much for him. I am so afraid to and yet I know that I have to. How do I explain this to T. I don't know where to start or what to say. It was a huge leap for me to tell him that I haven't been doing very well the last few weeks. I am so confused. I have to wait a whole week to go back. It is so hard for me to get through a day. I can not even imagine if I did not have T to go to once a week. I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I am so devestated. I am so afraid.

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This all makes perfect sense to me. I totally understand what you are feeling. I'm going through it myself right now. I have done as you, made some small strides in telling my T how I feel but we're stuck in a cycle.

What did your T mean about if you weren't comfortable with him, he would refer you? See, this to me is not the way to handle the relationship. My T said something similar not long ago that he would support me going to someone else. I wanted to say, gee thanks. He knows how hard it is for me to hear anything like that from him.

I wonder do the T's suggest that as 'technique' or is it because they aren't sure what to do??

I don't know if I am helping you here but I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in what you are feeling...

How long have you been with your T?

[purplemoon]

Thanks Almeda. I have been going to see him for about a year. I am not so upset about him offering to refer me, well I guess that that maybe does bother me. But I know rationally he is only saying that because I have been abused by many men and my T is a man. He knows bits and pieces. He asked me to share some of my thoughts today and I said I didn't know. He countered with yes you do and I said yes I do but I am not ready to share. He then asked me if I would share them with someone else? I of course said no. Then he started talking about that I need to share these things as to get unstuck. That my depression will not leave until I am able to get through these things. He said that I would not offend him if I wanted to see a woman T. I am just so afraid that if people know really know that things will be validated. That I am just this awful hideous person. Or he won't be able to start what we have finished and it will all be so real if I speak it. I won't be able to push it away any longer. I can't pretend that it isn't there. I so hate everything about where I am. I wish I could have said all this to him. I couldn't - I don't know - I think I should but it is so scary what if he says your are right - you are horrible, I can't stand the sight of you. Or I can't deal with this - it is to sick - you are much sicker than I ever imagined - go away!!!!
Should I email him these thoughts, write him a letter, leave him a voice mail? I am afraid of where I am at, it isn't a good place but I don't know how to let T know where I am really. Any advice would be very helpful.

[(JD)]

Use PC however you need to

I think what you are feeling is totally normal and quite usual for therapy sessions... and getting through this will help you for the rest of your sessions, imo.

The fear that your T won't like you or think the way YOU think you might be once you share.. is unfounded but common. That's one of the reasons you need a T, to help you see that you are not a monster, that your thoughts might be skewed a bit against you, and to only take ownership of what is truly yours, and not what others have placed upon you.

You don't have to jump in with both feet, but select one thing to share with T. Once you find a good response from him, you will feel more comfortable sharing a little more. The T will model a good example for you, and show you and talk with you about how to accept yourself for who you are now, and not because of what may have happened to you in the past.

(((hug))) TC

maybe you can start with that first fear that you do fear not having therapy and him deciding not to see you, so maybe you can get some assurance of that not happening to help you get the courage to talk.

Maybe start with a sentence of something that is a small step... something that you wouldnt say ordinarily... but just a sentence. Then discipline yourself to do 2 sentences next time. Its helped me to also write emails and then talk in session.

Wishin you the best.

ev

[sunrise]

Hi purplemoon, sounds like a hard time for you now. ((((hugs))))

It sounds like you made progress in your first year of therapy because you said you made changes in your life that your therapy helped you make. That sounds good! But didn't you share your thoughts ever in your first year? What did you do for a year if not talk about your thoughts? Are you ready to move on to a new topic now that is scary for you whereas the first year topics were not scary? Could you use any lessons learned from sharing with your T for a year to help you share the new, scary stuff? Is there any way you could tell your T how hard it is and that you need to take very small baby steps to share the scary stuff? And ask if he has any ideas for what a small, first step would be? Maybe writing something on a piece of paper, just one thing?

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I need to share these things as to get unstuck. That my depression will not leave until I am able to get through these things.

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I so agree with this philosophy. I think he is really trying to help you and not just put a band-aid on your depression.

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What if he decides he doesn't want to do this? What if it is too much for him?

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I remember once a while back I was having lots of trouble sharing with T a really traumatic event from my past. He was very patient with me. We went through my stumbling blocks one by one. One of them was that the event was so terrible (to me, at least) that I didn't want to "inflict" it on T by telling him. Like why would I want to share this awful thing with someone I liked and cared for, my T? He reassured me that he had heard really terrible things in the past from his clients--war stories from veterans, cult abuse, sexual abuse, torture, etc. And that he was really strong right now, at a good point in his own life, that he could handle whatever I told him. So he offered me this kind of concrete reassurance, and said that is what he is there for. Then we moved on to my next objection, etc. It took a while, but I eventually got there and dumped this big thing on him, and he handled it fine. It helped build our bond and made future sharing easier for me. Every time, it gets a little easier. You just have to start somewhere, and test the T, and see how he responds and show yourself that he accepts you and that you will survive the sharing experience. Just start small. One small thing. And ask your T to help you. Tell him you are afraid. ((((hugs))))

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purplemoon said:
He told me that if I wasn't comfortable with him he would refer me to a female.

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I am curious as to why he would suggest this. Were you guys talking about something that would lead him to this idea?

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It was a huge leap for me to tell him that I haven't been doing very well the last few weeks.

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That's excellent, Purple. I hope your T realized this as well. This is evidence that you can talk about things that are difficult. Just take it a little at a time. I didn't start to really open up to my T until I had been with him for about a year. Now it has been a year and a half. I have made huge strides, but I still struggle. There is a lot I want to say to him. When you are ready, it will come out.

[purplemoon]

Thank you guys so much for your responses. I am feeling a little better today. I did decide to send him an email. I listed a few of my thoughts. We shall see what he thinks. My hands were shaking so much before I sent it. Then I just wanted to throw up. But it is gone and I can't retrieve it. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do these things. I am very afraid that he is going to reject me. So I don't know. I will let you know what happens.