[sunrise]

I'm not sure what to do in therapy tomorrow. I had such a horrible week, replete with personal failures, so what can I say to T? Do you ever just feel so bad that you don't know what to say? I guess I feel an almost kind of social pressure to not appear to him to be on too much of a downer. I know that sounds dumb, but what can you say when it just is not good? I also think T thinks well of me and I hate to say stuff that will let him see I am really not that great of a person. I am feeling a need to keep up the illusion that I am better than I really am and that I am doing OK.

Yes, I've kept "secrets" before from T and did let them spill at one point. He was kind of taken aback I didn't tell him that stuff, but I feel differently about that, because the stuff I'd kept from him didn't reflect badly on me. It's hard to admit to people what a f**k up you are.

Sorry for the pissing and moaning--I'm just not sure what to do tomorrow. I feel I have been honest so much with T in the past that it is hard to "fake" being OK. It seems impossible. Sorry for the rambling...

[Juliana]

I understand Sunrise. It's so hard for me to admit any kind of failure. I have always had a tendency to put on a perfect facade for everyone --- and that included my therapist. When I first started seeing him, he would ask how I was and I would be pleasant and polite and tell him I was fine -- even though I wasn't. I just didn't want to look like a failure or a complainer or a whiner. It took me a long time to open up to him... and there were days when I just couldn't open up. I would put on that "everything's okay" smile. He got used to me being that way. He could see through it too. It ended up being a good thing because he recognized the way I was and gave me ways to work on being more honest with myself and others about the way I feel. I'm still working on it, but I have gotten better at admitting when I'm fed up or overwhelmed or not living up to my own expectations.

So, try not to put a whole lot of pressure and expectations on yourself when you go see your therapist tomorrow. Just be yourself -- however you happen to be feeling. If you shut down and act like everything's fine, I'm sure your therapist will see through it... and that might start you on a path of learning how to accept that you're not perfect and maybe you expect to much of yourself and maybe you need to cut yourself a little slack and admit to others when you're feeling down. This could be a positive step in your therapy.

Good luck!!! (((Hugs)))

[(JD)]

I would begin by telling him you don't know how to tell him what a horrible week you've had. If you freeze up, then tell him that too... that you have thoughts but can't seem to say them? This is normal. good wishes.

(( sunny ))

But that's just what therapy is... the willingness to be honest and risk looking 'bad'. That's the scariest part, to me. (the 'gorilla in the mirror' as Pema Chodron writes about it).

Your T wants to hear all about it and you need to get it out. I hope you find a way because I think you'll feel so much better if you can.

I like Sky's idea to start by saying you don't know how to talk about what a crappy week you had. Opens the door for you.

Best wishes and I hope you'll let us know how it goes and how you're feeling.

[withit]

It takes a lot of energy to keep up a facade.
Once you remove it and present yourself authentically you will have a lot of freed up energy.
I recall the time I told my t how 'bad' I really am, what a mistake I am to mankind, what a nuisance I am to society, etc. In fact, it was so hard to say it, I had her read it from a paper.
I thought I was sharing stuff about myself that was sure to surprise her.
Instead, she said, ''I know about all of this'' A good therapist is not stupid, they know that beneath the facade lies a hurt and vulnerable human being. A good t will have compassion for the vulnerable person inside.
It takes courage to come to a session and say ''I have had such an awfully difficult week, I fear you will think less of me if you know I am not all that perfect as I would have you think.''
Gosh, what else is therapy about if not a place where we can be ourselves....
Seems you might be ready to take that leap.
Best of luck!

[sunrise]

Thank you, Juliana. Your post really helped. I will try to just be myself, as you suggested.

ECHOES, your post was reassuring. Thank you. I wanted to let you know that last night after a really, really bad scene of family dynamics gone awry, I read in the Pema Chodron book I have out from the library, The places that scare you: a guide to fearlessness in difficult times, and found it comforting. I will read more tonight. Thank you for recommending Chodron.

Thanks also, sky. Lots of wisdom here.

withit, for some reason, your post reminded me of the last time I shared with T along the same lines--about something that revealed my imperfection, that I had repeatedly been a coward and not done the right thing. He was pretty harsh with me and berated me. Not fun. I felt I deserved it, though. He said he was that way because he wanted me to realize how serious it was, and I did. Point well taken. Next session we made up, and I feel we are OK now. But that experience makes sharing along those same lines harder. I have had lots of the positive in therapy, but it is hard to face that sometimes therapy can make you feel like crap. It is hard to reveal your mistakes even to a trusted other. But I will try.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Sunrise.
I am sorry you are struggling to this degree at this time. I hope you feel better soon. Journaling is very good for people that have a hard time expressing themselves. Then you can see for yourself what issues are the most important for you to bring up with your therapit. Chat is also good to help people to rehearse what they will say to a therapist, by talking to someone else about it first. Take care. Soidhonia

Ugh, I hate that, I know exactly what you mean. I have often told T that I want to talk to him as my colleague, rather than my T. Especially since I am going to school to have the same job as he has, I hate to appear "sick."

I am starting to learn-- no more illusions, just come in and be myself. And to realize there are times in therapy to think hard, and times not to think at all-- just let go.

I hope your session goes well. Please let us know how you are!

[lauren_helene]

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sunrise said:

withit, for some reason, your post reminded me of the last time I shared with T along the same lines--about something that revealed my imperfection, that I had repeatedly been a coward and not done the right thing. He was pretty harsh with me and berated me. Not fun. I felt I deserved it, though. He said he was that way because he wanted me to realize how serious it was, and I did. Point well taken. Next session we made up, and I feel we are OK now. But that experience makes sharing along those same lines harder. I have had lots of the positive in therapy, but it is hard to face that sometimes therapy can make you feel like crap. It is hard to reveal your mistakes even to a trusted other. But I will try.

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Good morning girls!

Sunrise, I'm not sure his "berating" you was helpful. Especially if you are afraid to go further. There are ways to be firm but berating seems out of line IMHO? Maybe you should talk about that more with him so you can move past it...?

As for secrets, I don't keep any from him purposely, but if he doesn't ask a certain hot button question, I don't always offer it first. A good example will be today's session. I was awful last week to my husband and in front of our friends, had an outburst with my boss and am just feeling on the edge.

Part me of doesn't want to say any of this to him. But there isn't much I can't tell him (except when it's about him giggle) and I have to remember that our session is not supposed to be a "hey how have you been" kind of thing which I tend to do when I want to avoid difficult subjects.

[sunrise]

Thanks, everyone. Really appreciate your comments.

Soidhania, I am a journaler extraordinaire! I write in my journal most every day. It is one of my most helpful tools. I think, if you asked him, my T would also say I have no trouble expressing myself in therapy. (I think he has said that is one thing he liked about me from the start.) I know that sounds paradoxical given what I've been moaning about here, but nevertheless, it's true. I'm just having a hard time with life right now.

This morning was another terrible time at home. The family dynamics are negative, overwhelming, and out of control. Yes, I will share this with T. Mostly, this all makes me just want to run away and be by myself and not have responsibilities for others.

Thanks, almedafan. As you suggested, I will try not to avoid the difficult subjects today. I do that sometimes too. I don't think T was out of line berating me. He and I are in agreement on that and have talked about it. I will try not to let that past incident get in the way of future sharing. In the end, I value our relationship too much to shut him out. I guess that is, in part, what the T strives for in building each therapeutic relationship--to make the person care so much that they will be honest with him.

[sunrise]

Darn, T just called and canceled.

[(JD)]

[lauren_helene]

Oh I'm sorry Sunrise. Hugs~

sunny, did you and T talk about how you felt when he was harsh?

You could also open with that idea... that you have something to talk about but the memory of that time makes you hesitant to do so.

I'm sorry times are hard with your family right now. You are a wonderful person and I know you want everything to go well. I'm sure things will get better and you will get to where you want to be.

How is your daughter doing?

ECHOES

Oh I'm so sorry T cancelled when you are having such a difficult time! How are you dealing with that on top of everything else sunny?

I'm so glad you've found Pema Chodron books at your library! I haven't read that one yet. I am reading "When Things Fall Apart" after listening to some of it on a CD that I got at the library; she reads it herself and I love listening to her too. Here's a site you can order from, if you are interested in more of her books/tapes/CD's: www.shambhala.com. I found my first books at Amazon.

I hope you are doing okay. Be kind and loving to you.

ECHOES

[withit]

Sunrise, your t having reprimanded you probably accounts for your reluctance/fear to talk about this again. Dear you, your reluctance is totally understandable. Therapy cannot proceed in an atmosphere of fear. Better yet, trust cannot exist in an atmosphere of fear. Perhaps talk this over with your t and I would hope the two of you can repair this rupture. Yeah, that's another whole topic, rupture and repair in psychotherapy. It's important to be able to discern whether the rupture was created by the therapist or client. In this case, it seems the therapist has contributed by responding in a way that made you fear to disclose again.
I would hope he can apologize and take it back.
I will reiterate my point cuz I feel it is so crucial in order for therapy to be of benefit to a person: There's gotta be a level of trust in order for healing to take place. If the therapist is making it hard for you to trust him of what good is it to meet with him? Unless the trust can be re-established, I don't see much hope for a therapeutic relationship.
Take gentle care,

[sunrise]

Thanks sky, ECHOES, almedafan for your support.

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How are you dealing with that on top of everything else sunny?

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ECHOES, thanks for asking--really appreciate your concern. Actually, the fact that T canceled seems the least of my problems right now, so I'm OK with that. I could have used his support very much today, but hopefully we can reschedule later this week. Tonight has been just awful on the home front. I am trying to do my best to hold things together and manage the family dynamics, but I don't think I'm doing very well. And it just makes me feel very, very bad. Like a horrible weight in the pit of my stomach. I think the highest priority with T when I see him next is to deal with these pressing problems. Things at home have gotten so bad that I know there is no way I can keep it to myself next session, so I feel over the hump of not feeling I can share this stuff with T. I need his help. I'll see if I have trouble sharing when I see him next, and if it turns out I do, I'll know there is a need to revisit the stuff about "us" that we've gone over before.

ECHOES, I checked at my library and they have When Things Fall Apart on tape, but not CD (my car only has a CD player). Darn. I would like to hear Chodron read her own book. I went to the website you gave, and the book listed on the front page is Teresa of Avila: The Book of My Life. Teresa is my patron saint. In my 20s, I visited her hometown Avila in Spain. Just a little connection... Thanks for the link.

Well how cool about the Teresa book!

I'm glad you are ok with T's cancelling and I'm so sorry for your family stresses and that sick stomach feeling.

Maybe you could borrow a friend's CD player to listen to the Pema Chodron CD?

ECHOES

[purplemoon]

Sunrise,

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. I can't imagine how I would feel if my T was ever harsh with me. I think I would just be devasted. You need to let him know exactly how you are feeling. Hang in there.

[darkeyes]

Stay honest, he can't help you thoroughly if you keep things back. Also, you are paying him for his services,he's there to help you, not be a friend or relative.
You'll get more out of your therapy if you do not hide things, don't feel embarassed,don't feel he'll punish you, he needs to be able to help. If it's something irrelevent to your therapy, he'll tell you. I said to my former, on my first visit, "Okay, where do we start? What do you want to know?" He exclaimed, he wasn't doing therapy like the stereo typical scene, patient lieing down on a couch as people most picture therapy like.
We sat in his living room and chatted, he sat across on a chair and I on the other side on a leather couch,propped in the corner end. When I moved out of state, I went to a clinic, and had therapy with a lady in her office room. Either way, I was honest with what was going on or wasn't, and then we were able to work on things, some a few steps at a time.
I wish you lots of luck, and encourage you to give it a try.

((((((((( sunrise )))))))))))

[lauren_helene]

Sunrise, when you say family problems do you mean extended family like dad, mom...or husband/kids?

I have huge issues with my extended family and T and I have discussed this at length. I can tell you some of what he told me if our issues are similar....hugs and let me know

[sunrise]

Thank you so much purplemoon, darkeyes, almedafan and everyone else for all your support and advice.

almedafan, by "family," I mean husband/kids.

I did meet with my T last night. He squeezed me into a non-existent evening slot right before a big event he was scheduled to go to. I didn't realize this until after the session (long story), and it just made my heart glow to know he did that for me.

I'm feeling almost sheepish to post here because my session went so well and I look back now in this thread and wonder, was I fabricating problems where there are none? I hope that's not true, but I think I was having a bit of a warped view of things. I think the stress of my family problems was getting to me. Things were better yesterday on the home front, and I feel like in that improved climate, I am able to think (somewhat!) more clearly.

Last night T and I just had the best session and it was so healing. I left in a cloak of warmth and strength. I had no trouble sharing ANYTHING with him. I shared a ton of stuff, even more than usual, and he even commented at the end, "wow, you told me a lot tonight." There was nothing I was not honest about. He and I are both agreed that he was right to be hard on me before. I know that may be outside the experience of many here with their therapists, but the situation warranted it. We have a special relationship, and it will endure.

I feel so great today.

Awesome, Sunny! So glad you're feeling better.

I can only hope I am in the "open" mood tomorrow in therapy. It will be my 1st session 2 weeks. I am overflowing with stuff I want to tell him. I have dreams, revelations, thoughts, insights-- all written down. I'm sure the session will start out like this:

Him: Hi. So, what's been going on?
Me: Nothing.

[lauren_helene]

Sunrise that is great news! I'm very happy for you. Back in December, my T and I had something similar to that and he also said "wow you're giving me some good stuff"...

But as you see, something has changed recently. Enough of that though, I'll do a happy dance for you!!!!!!

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
I can only hope I am in the "open" mood tomorrow in therapy. It will be my 1st session 2 weeks. I am overflowing with stuff I want to tell him. I have dreams, revelations, thoughts, insights-- all written down. I'm sure the session will start out like this:

Him: Hi. So, what's been going on?
Me: Nothing.

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I can so relate. When I see my T, he usually asks me "how are things going" or "how are you?" and I usually answer "OK," even if I am not OK. This last session, I said to myself I am not going to answer OK when I have not been OK. So when he asked me, I said "I've had an awful week." There, it was out. I didn't pretend things were better than they were. And we didn't have to do the dance of coming around to the truth. It was great!

pinksoil, I hope today you didn't say "nothing" and were able to share all the insights you have been having.