LCM showing up randomly at work

junkDNA · Feb 02, 2015, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

I was really thrown off guard, panicked and reacted very poorly to the situation. I drank a lot and the original feeling got very warped and confused. Was I overdramatic? Yes, I was. Was I an *** to LCM? Yes, I absolutely was. And I feel so guilty I can't sleep.

However, I do think she was wrong to not warn me that I could have seen her. Regardless of if it is a public hall which she does have every right to go to, it's a public hall that I happen to work in and practice in and hang out in and rehearse in. She is well aware of that and even knew that running into me was a possibility. I told her last session that I don't want to ever want to see a picture of her daughter. She knows I get upset when she talks about her. There was a very real possibility that I could have run into them and saw them together and she knew that would absolutely crush me.

I also don't think she should have tried to refer me to her boyfriend without telling me that. I'm glad I didn't see him in practice because if I did and found out later, I would have felt used by her to help start up his business or to help them pay her rent. Yes, maybe he wasn't her boyfriend, but I highly highly doubt that given the context clues from when she's talked about this pdoc before and when I saw him at her office. I just feel like at a minimum, she should have told me that her opinion of this doctor was extremely biased.

I was upset because I felt like that whole thing was very insensitive to me. Yes, it was her daughter's concert and she absolutely has a right to go, but she should have warned me and talked to me about it beforehand. My school T's have all gone to concerts that I was either playing in or working and they told me ahead of time just so that I wouldn't be totally blindsided. I feel like there is absolutely no way she could have forgotten that there was a chance I could be there. I've taken her around the school before. She should have handled this differently.

Maybe she didn't tell me because she didn't want me to come see her if I wasn't working. But she knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't have.

And yeah people like to jump down my throat but they all would have had a similar reaction if this happened to them.

this is why you might do better with a real T. your LCM doesn't really know what she's doing i gather. and it's hurting u in the process.

JaneTennison1 · Feb 02, 2015, 08:15 AM

Your life coach will keep make these mistakes and they will keep crushing you. I think a lot of what is said comes from concern about that fact. You want to ignore the bit that makes life feel terrible and embrace only the good. I wish you luck anmd hope to god this doesn't end badly.

A Red Panda · Feb 02, 2015, 08:16 AM

I don't see anyone condemning growli. What I see, and what I myself tend to post from, is the perspective that no one who makes the more "harsh" posts wants to contribute towards growli's problems. It's too easy to take the "aww I'm sorry you're feeling that way, it makes sense that you would" to be interpreted as somehow encouraging growli's clinginess to pretending that her LC is her mom. At least when it's posted as the sole content of a post.

People want to see you healthy growli. Which is why the sympathy for the pain you feel comes out sounding harsh, because any less than harsh can feel like encouraging your unhealthy decisions. We know you have them, we know we can't make you stop having them, but we can at least not encourage it. Instead we keep pointing it out because... it feels wrong not to. (And yes, I'm saying we a lot because I'm sure I'm not the only one).

You feel like people aren't being patient with you? If we weren't, we wouldn't still be posting to you as you've been in the same repeated behaviours since you met your LC. It takes a lot of patience to keep reading and trying to help you see that you're ultimately leading yourself to an even unhealthier life. And I am sure that I am not the only person who is very much more patient and compassionate in my responses to you than my brain initially thinks. Like Scarlet said, it is really frustrating to see you in denial that things are so unhealthy because it comes across crystal clear on this side of the screen.

And yes, in a way you really are trying to not get better - you've said flat out that you're refusing to look for a T. You're feeding in to your desire for your LC to be your mom instead of trying to form an actually genuine relationship with her. You do both of those by choice, and they're both really the opposite of helpful.

IndestructibleGirl · Feb 02, 2015, 08:55 AM

For what it's worth - I am certainly not trying to be harsh in my posts. I get it, as I think most of the posters do, about how sharply painful this stuff is.

However. The perspective I come from (and yep, this is my own stuff colouring things, because I am not a trained therapist) is that I at 29 have a decade or so on Growli (who I believe is 21, is that right, Growli?) and have been reflecting lately that my twenties have contained a hell of a lot of pain, despair, shame and sheer hopelessness at times. I feel sad about that because among about half my friends I see what it is like when life is not complicated by severe attachment injury, complex health needs and death of loved ones.

Depite my twenties being a rough, rough time, I have been fortunate to make friends and forge connections to varying degrees which mean I've also got plenty of extraordinary and amazing memories to look back on from that time too, despite the mess and ****. I still look back and think WTactualF was that all about?!! But the good memories and experiences counter the bad.

That would not have happened if I had only had eyes for one person for years.

I suppose when I think of Growli's situation - I don't want her to put all her eggs in one basket with LC, spending as much time as possible in a pretend world in her head where she is this woman's daughter. Months slip easily into years, and (sorry again if this is blunt) those years are going to be painful anyway, whether LC is there or not, because of the nature of the attachment wounds and all the problems that sprout from them. Growli, be open to developing other relationships in their various shapes and forms - because they are what will keep you going and show you other ways of being happy, so that when things go up and down with LC your survival is not tied to her.

anilam · Feb 02, 2015, 08:58 AM

Yeah, I'd expect my T to tell me beforehand. IDK, why she didn't, yet again she messed up...
I have no idea how it works with life coaches (guidelines ect), so I can't really say whether her relating to you is well within or far beyond them. I see, however, it is really hurtful to you. I do believe you would benefit from a more structured RS with her/real T.

A question - I really don't know the answer to but would like to: is life coaching even considered helpful for "real" mental issues? (I really don't know how to phrase it better, I mean no offense to anyone.

JaneTennison1 · Feb 02, 2015, 09:12 AM

I guess what life has taught me is basing your life, your hopes, your desire to get better and live on one person...doesn't work. I don't see the harm in right now exploring other avenues and ways to be ok while you have your LC to support you rather than wait and find she's gone and have to try and rebuild. People have been through pain and want to try and use their experience to help.

IndestructibleGirl · Feb 02, 2015, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anilam

A question - I really don't know the answer to but would like to: is life coaching even considered helpful for "real" mental issues? (I really don't know how to phrase it better, I mean no offense to anyone.

No, it really isn't. I have done a life coaching introductory course, and they distinguished between therapists and life coaches by saying that coaching is for the 'worried well'. Clients who want to figure out why they can't motivate themselves to open the business they've always dreamed of, or run that half marathon they've wanted to do for ages, etc. That sort of stuff.

Life coaching has no business meddling with trauma and attachment, in my opinion. That's not to say somebody who is trying to rebuild their life who is seeing an appropriate therapist to deal with their trauma cannot also see a coach to get help making steps with their career or other elements of life, etc. But they are very different and fulfill very different needs.

growlithing · Feb 02, 2015, 11:15 AM

She's a lot more than just a life coach.

JaneTennison1 · Feb 02, 2015, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

She's a lot more than just a life coach.

But she's not. Unless she trains as a T then she will always be a life coach.

What's the saying something like if you live for a man's compliment, you'll die from his criticism. If you live for your life coach buying into this fantasy, you'll suffer when she is no longer willing to.

NowhereUSA · Feb 02, 2015, 11:41 AM

What does LCM stand for?

Feb 02, 2015, 11:42 AM

That is Growli's term for life coach mom. It is not an official term.

NowhereUSA · Feb 02, 2015, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolagrace

That is Growli's term for life coach mom. It is not an official term.

Ooooh. Okay.

Yeah. Life coaches as far as I'm aware are what was mentioned above - the worried well. Those who just need a little extra "umph" and help organizing things to get to their goals.

One needs a T for more serious issues.

CrimsonBlues · Feb 02, 2015, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

She's a lot more than just a life coach.

Hi growlithing-

I know I've asked you this before but I think it needs to be repeated. I think the most effective thing to do is to tell people what you need. I think that people here have an instinctive response to try to help someone when they see someone in pain or angst. That is why people respond with ideas, suggestions, advice. But, I feel like that is not what you want to hear. Am I understanding this right?

Gavinandnikki · Feb 02, 2015, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

She's a lot more than just a life coach.

In what ways is she more than a life coach?

divine1966 · Feb 02, 2015, 01:25 PM

I blame life coach for this mess. As a true professional she had to establish long time ago that she is not your mother will never be one and doesn't feel like one, she is to find you a phone number of a therapist and a psychiatrist and she needs to admit that she is NOT helping you but is making you worse by feeding your obsession.

Your parents have to stop paying her for making you sicker and sicker but start paying a psychiatrist or at least a therapist. It is totally brutal what's going on. This woman is getting paid yet you are getting worse. Totally wrong approach.

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divine1966 · Feb 02, 2015, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

In what ways is she more than a life coach?

From what I read growli wants her to be her mother

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Blue_Bird · Feb 02, 2015, 01:39 PM

I usually don't post in the psychotherapy forum but this caught my attention.

I really think you need to move on, you seem to have some sort of obsession with the woman that's very unhealthy. For your sake and her sake, start seeing a therapist and consider quitting this LCM thing.

divine1966 · Feb 02, 2015, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I usually don't post in the psychotherapy forum but this caught my attention.

I really think you need to move on, you seem to have some sort of obsession with the woman that's very unhealthy. For your sake and her sake, start seeing a therapist and consider quitting this LCM thing.

It honestly bothered me that somebody pays for all this. I would pay for my daughter's mental health issues ( and when she needed therapy I paid for it no questions) but I would have trouble paying someone who not only not helping my child bur makes her sicker by feeding obsession and not maintaining boundaries.

I do not Blame growli but blame life coach and whoever is paying for this nonsense while poor girl is getting sicker by day

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growlithing · Feb 02, 2015, 02:10 PM

You guys literally do not know if she is making me sicker or not. You only know when I post here which is when something bad happens. If you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting here that frequently anymore. I have been doing a lot better.

I'm not obsessed with her. I don't really know how you guys are drawing that conclusion without projecting your own feelings onto it. Yes, a year ago, I probably was. I would have a session with her and dwell on it until the next time I saw her/spoke to her. Now, I think about her every day, but not constantly and not in an unhealthy way.

All of you are so afraid of being attached to your T's that you characterize mine unfairly as being delusional or sick. It isn't. I am allowing myself to occasionally address her as "mom" which is a word I do not understand. And for the record, the amount I have been doing that has been diminishing recently. It really is no different than any other maternal transference. Except you guys want to believe that because she might not legally be qualified to handle that, that makes it different. She's finishing up school. Her not being technically officially qualified makes no difference.

She is more than a life coach not because I'm trying to call her my mother. She is because we've barely done anything that a life coach does. She is a T to me. We don't work through trauma. We work through daily stuff and she listens to me if I need to talk. Her title is life coach but we do more than that.

I know our boundaries are weird to a lot of you and she has accidentally hurt me a few times. That's okay. Stuff like that happens. It's part of the progress.

Really she helps because I know she cares deeply about me. I need to have someone I can identify as caring about me.

She does not coddle me. And she isn't mean to me. Her boundaries are kinda sloppy. Everyone makes mistakes.

And my actual mother would have no idea if she's helping or not. She doesn't give a **** about me and doesn't really know me. She wouldn't be able to tell. So being upset that she's paying for it is odd to me.

growlithing · Feb 02, 2015, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

But she's not. Unless she trains as a T then she will always be a life coach.

What's the saying something like if you live for a man's compliment, you'll die from his criticism. If you live for your life coach buying into this fantasy, you'll suffer when she is no longer willing to.

She is training as a T and has been since before I met her.

JaneTennison1 · Feb 02, 2015, 02:21 PM

OK then my comment to your original post is that yes she hurt you because seeing her as a real mom to her real kid makes you leave work in tears and drink. She will continue hurting you as the fantasy falls away

It scares me she's training as a t and I hope she gets better boundaries if she is to do that.

Again I send you healing and I hope you are right and we are all wrong and T helps you heal and move on.

ScarletPimpernel · Feb 02, 2015, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

I had half a bottle of vodka... I am still upset. I am her daughter and she knows if...

This... This is why it's more than transference. See, with transference, you do not believe the person is your mother, father, whomever. You don't just call her "mom". You clearly state she is your mom. That is the delusion. That is an obsession.

This is not the first time you posted this either. You've posted about many things like your drinking, not being able to clean up your room, etc.

Btw, again, the simple fact we remember and are following your posts, that shows we care.

And again, how can we help you get better?

growlithing · Feb 02, 2015, 02:35 PM

Honestly, this is stressing me out and I think hurting me. I had an intense emotional reaction because I was thrown off guard and felt ambushed by her and her personal life that I shouldn't have to think about. I post on here and I get people telling me I was wrong for having that reaction and LCM said something that I took as shaming me for it. I feel really embarrassed and ashamed.

growlithing · Feb 02, 2015, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

This... This is why it's more than transference. See, with transference, you do not believe the person is your mother, father, whomever. You don't just call her "mom". You clearly state she is your mom. That is the delusion. That is an obsession.

This is not the first time you posted this either. You've posted about many things like your drinking, not being able to clean up your room, etc.

Btw, again, the simple fact we remember and are following your posts, that shows we care.

And again, how can we help you get better?

You somehow missed the first line of that post. I had half a bottle of vodka. I'm extremely light weight. I am tipsy after two shots and I drank that much pretty quickly. I was acting way out of character and posting here while doing things that I would never do sober. I have no idea how I didn't end up puking. I clearly wasn't in my right state of mind. Maybe I did believe that while drunk. It doesn't mean I believe that or think that without being drunk.

NowhereUSA · Feb 02, 2015, 02:45 PM

Look, you feel what you feel. At the same time, some reactions aren't necessarily very effective. It upset you. I disagree that you "shouldn't" have to deal with her personal life. She's a person. She has a life. You are a part of it, not all of it. So while yes, it upset you and okay, that's where you're at, I think many here are just saying, that's not a good place to stay. Ideally, a good place to aim for is where the rest of her life doesn't upset you - and how can we help point you in that direction so that you can be healthy and effective in your life?

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