[Soccer mom]

I am so freaking tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of thinking about therapy, what my T. can and can't give me, missing her, time in between sessions, feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment.

I can't email or text her unless it's about appointments. I've told her multiple times I want to quit. If I quit, then I won't have to deal with feelings and won't be in pain.

But, I feel trapped. If I quit, then the pain of missing her will be just as great. I really hate this. I almost feel like I'm tourturing myself. Why put myself through this when I can stop it?

Today sucks.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you, Soccer mom. The pain sucks. It's not even like physical pain which has some kind of function in telling us we should get away from the fire or bandage our leg or whatever.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself even for a little while?

[NowhereUSA]

I'm sorry. I don't know how to help. I know for me I think about my T when things are harder and when relationships aren't as good (like with my H). But when things are good with H and I'm feeling stable (though still depressed), I think of him less.

[Soccer mom]

Actually my relationships are fine. My husband is wonderfully supportive. I can't even pinpoint why I'm upset except that my T. matters too much. I guess it's the attachment and not being able to reach out.

I do try to distract myself but it's really hard when you can feel the tears at the top of your throat.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Actually my relationships are fine. My husband is wonderfully supportive. I can't even pinpoint why I'm upset except that my T. matters too much. I guess it's the attachment and not being able to reach out.

I do try to distract myself but it's really hard when you can feel the tears at the top of your throat.

Remind me, was this all triggered by the death of your mom? I'm not good at remembering details from the internet, so forgive me if that was someone else.

Like I said, I know what it is for me, but I also don't think my attachment is as close as yours is. I don't have any recommendations and it seems like you just wanted to voice your pain somewhere.

I am so sorry you're in pain.

I went through a year of this with T1, and quit for the reasons you mentioned. Took up with T2, and now in similar territory. I've realized that you can't just shut the feelings off. One of the dangers of therapy is that you start seeing things you never saw before, and thinking about things differently. There's no going back.

To me it sounds like you have some pretty intense intrusive thoughts about your T and therapy. Books about treating OCD or PureO may help between sessions, if you want to try to lessen how much you're focusing on it. I'm not suggesting you have either of those things, but alleviating thoughts that are causing you suffering can't hurt. I've looked into this myself, even though I definitely don't fit the OCD profile. Others here may be able to recommend helpful books. If you could somehow compartmentalize and have more control over the thoughts, the emotions should follow... and gosh knows emotional control when it comes to therapy is almost impossible assuming therapy is at the front of your mind.

[Soccer mom]

Ironically, my T. doesn't want me to label my feelings, put them in a box and put them away. That's what I'm good at and I'm finding it harder to do so.

My mom died in May and she was emotionally distant. I didn't realize all the needs that were never met until intense maternal transference popped up with this T. I've seen her for 5 years off and on and never felt this way about her until my mom died. I usually don't attach to anyone and keep people at a distance because they may hurt me. So, I guess my inner child is completely attached and my adult self is warning me that she could hurt me. Or vice versa.

I've noticed if I don't feel connected (lots of eye contact) or we talk about my mom, the next week is really hard. I told my T. before I left that I didn't feel good about leaving and admitted about the connection. I hate that it matters, I hate that I want it, I hate that I'm attached.

But, it won't do any good to push her away - that's the old way of dealing with it. But it sure does feel better. dang it, I don't know. I just can't work knowing I could burst into tears at any moment. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Ironically, my T. doesn't want me to label my feelings, put them in a box and put them away. That's what I'm good at and I'm finding it harder to do so.

My mom died in May and she was emotionally distant. I didn't realize all the needs that were never met until intense maternal transference popped up with this T. I've seen her for 5 years off and on and never felt this way about her until my mom died. I usually don't attach to anyone and keep people at a distance because they may hurt me. So, I guess my inner child is completely attached and my adult self is warning me that she could hurt me. Or vice versa.

I've noticed if I don't feel connected (lots of eye contact) or we talk about my mom, the next week is really hard. I told my T. before I left that I didn't feel good about leaving and admitted about the connection. I hate that it matters, I hate that I want it, I hate that I'm attached.

But, it won't do any good to push her away - that's the old way of dealing with it. But it sure does feel better. dang it, I don't know. I just can't work knowing I could burst into tears at any moment. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

You know though, I think there's a fine line between not wanting to put away feelings and pushing your T away, and ruminating. It sounds like you have some good things going for you in your life, and your feelings towards T are getting in the way of being in the moment and living life. I don't mean this in a judgmental way, but how many months or years are you willing to suffer to get 'better'? A year down the tubes ruminating with T1 was a wake-up call to make a change.

I'm not recommending switching T's or running away, every person needs to evaluate and make that decision for themselves. However, making the effort to not focus excessively on what's missing in your life and what you never had - and being in the moment - seems more healing IMO. And it's not all or nothing... you can set aside time to grieve, then tell yourself enough and work on refocusing and being in the moment. For me, it's really hard because those unmet needs are screaming. But we're adults, and have to move past it somehow, while giving ourselves time to feel but still be functional.

Hope this helps

[Virginia1991]

Been through this (and still am somewhat). It has lessened for me though and I think it has lessened for two reasons:
1) the last 3 sessions I have been completely honest and said those crazy thoughts in my head to my t (even if they are about her)

2). I need maternal figures in my life (lots of them apparently) so I am seeking people out who have those characteristics that I like so much in my t. Those being older, kind, nurturing women. Women who encourage an like my contact with them. Women who are ok with me texting and emailing everyday things and deeper difficult things about my past. I have found two at work and one through reiki.

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

2). I need maternal figures in my life (lots of them apparently) so I am seeking people out who have those characteristics that I like so much in my t. Those being older, kind, nurturing women. Women who encourage an like my contact with them. Women who are ok with me texting and emailing everyday things and deeper difficult things about my past. I have found two at work and one through reiki.

Yes, yes and yes.

The therapeutic relationship by necessity is limited, so seeking out support and friendships that aren't boundaried, one-sided, and "less than" is critical!

It's the sad truth about therapy - the dynamics are off such that we form attachments to these wonderful supportive caring people, but then we are treated like nuisances outside of our 50 minutes and wonder why we are incessantly longing, confused and in pain. it's like being starving and seeing a steak waved in front of our faces, then told we can have a small piece once a week, and then are craving meat for the rest of the week. And that's not even going into the quality of the steak - it could be some dried out, tough, tasteless piece of meat but because we haven't had it before we don't know the difference. Sometimes I think I'd rather be hungry and not know better. I went off on a tangent but you get my drift.

[wheeler]

Why can't you text or email? Is that a boundary concern?
Is T available for more contact/sessions ? At least for a while?

[Soccer mom]

We used to text before my transference and when my mom was dying/passed away. She explained (and I agree) that it's easy for her to deal with grief/loss via text but other emotions are hard for her to interpret and she might say the wrong thing. I'm very vague so she probably wouldn't be able to tell via text. She doesn't email with any clients. I am seeing her once a week and she feels it's enough. If I literally couldn't leave the house and stop crying, then I bet she would see me. I'm going to talk to her about asking for encouraging texts. If I text her that the day is hard, maybe there's somethign she can text back without starting a conversation. I almost texted her today. My pattern is today and tomorrow will be hard. But, then I seem a lot better by Thursday. ANd, by the time she could get me in it would probably be then. I need to ask her better ways to cope.

[wheeler]

I'm definitely no expert at what helps, but I know for me, over all, texting has helped. We've certainly had misunderstandings and issues but oddly I think those misunderstandings have led to good conversations and eventually deeper connections which for me has recently started to help with the in between sessions longings and angst. My t has preached increased contact when I'm having a hard time and Ive fought her tooth and nail and pushed and pushed but I can honestly tell you that it's starting to get better.

[Virginia1991]

Unlimited texting and emailing has been probably a savior for my therapy to be honest.

[IndestructibleGirl]

As you've said though, you can't stop it - if you quit, you will miss your therapist anyway. The pain will come at you relentlessly anyway, so if you feel she is helping you, then keep working as a team with her and hopefully the pain will lessen.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

As you've said though, you can't stop it - if you quit, you will miss your therapist anyway. The pain will come at you relentlessly anyway, so if you feel she is helping you, then keep working as a team with her and hopefully the pain will lessen.

If you ask me, the pain gets worse if you quit Hang in there SM

[Soccer mom]

My T. told me a few sessions ago that she thinks I would not do well if I quit.

I think I may have figured out why I was so upset. Overall, I feel like she really doesn't understand how much pain I've been in. I can't cry in sessions and am very guarded so she doesn't see it and I experience most of my episodes outside of her office. She has mentioned before that she has clients in worse shape who need more attention due to suicide/depression/alcohol/drug type issues. I don't want her to compare them to me.

I think the closer I get to her, the more I realize what I wanted as a child, what my mom never gave me and what she can't give me. So, I crave the closeness and want it but then it's so damn painful because I realize it's limitations. And, I think why go through this? Why keep subjecting myself to the pain? What is getting close to her supposed to give me/teach me?

[stopdog]

You could take a break and see if it is better or worse or the same. Then if you chose to go back, it would be with some different knowledge.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

She has mentioned before that she has clients in worse shape who need more attention due to suicide/depression/alcohol/drug type issues. I don't want her to compare them to me.

That really struck a chord with me! I'm so sad that she does that to you. I used to put myself down saying my trauma wasn't as bad as the others she saw and she gave me this whole speech of trauma and personal pain is no less for someone than it is for someone else. You can't judge the pain or who needs more of what or who is "worse off" that in her mind there is no "worse than" because pain is pain no matter the cause or how it's acted upon.

I hope you can work through these issues with her and continue to heal. Healing sucks but I'm continually told it's worth it. I'm glad you can talk about it with her and then ponder your thinkings do you ever take in your ponderings and insights back to her? ie: letting her know you do hurt and she shouldn't compare your hurt with another?

~EM

[Soccer mom]

I don't think she meant it in a bad way. I was saying I didn't like that she increased her boundaries last summer. We used to text more and then she stopped when my transference started. She said at first I was dealing with grief/loss and she recognizes that via texting. But, other emotions are more difficult to understand and better talked about in person. She said she might keep in contact with someone with drug recovery/depression issues. I'm trying to understand and don't want to be too hurt before I talk to her. I think I know what she was trying to say but she won't be saying it again.

I don't know but I've been wondering if a person with alcohol/ drug recovery issues might feel a similar intense emotional pain, and the way the person deals with it is with the drug/alcohol. You are sitting with your pain. Maybe you need the support just as much?

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I don't think she meant it in a bad way. I was saying I didn't like that she increased her boundaries last summer. We used to text more and then she stopped when my transference started. She said at first I was dealing with grief/loss and she recognizes that via texting. But, other emotions are more difficult to understand and better talked about in person. She said she might keep in contact with someone with drug recovery/depression issues. I'm trying to understand and don't want to be too hurt before I talk to her. I think I know what she was trying to say but she won't be saying it again.

I understand what you're trying to say, sorry it just fluffed my feathers - perhaps because we (t & I) just talked about that. I hope it didn't upset you. I can see why she would want to talk in person instead of text due to emotions aren't easily understandable in typed form.

[Soccer mom]

No, it didn't upset me but I'm trying really hard not to be mad at her and push her away. That's how I cope. If I find one little thing wrong with her, I go for it and push her away because then I won't care about her or therapy. She has told me she won't abandon me or let me push her away which has helped.

This is definitely something I need to talk to her about. I'm going to ask her if I get in this place again can I text her something like "having one of those moments and feeling like I want to quit. This is too hard." and maybe she can give me an encouraging response that won't cause us to text for days.

I bet once I ask for it, I won't need it. Perhaps it will be enough to know it's possible (and maybe after testing it once). I don't feel this way all the time. This is maybe the second time in 6 weeks. I know she doesn't want to encourage/start dependency and she knows I can do this on my own. I just can't afford to be THAT upset after sessions where it's affecting my work. I either need the support or she needs to help me know what to tell myself when I get in those moments.

As much as it hurts, it's better than it was last summer. I felt that way every day but never felt I could ask for help - didn't want to appear too needy, etc.

[SnakeCharmer]

Soccer Mom, you've mentioned several times in several different threads that you've been seeing your T for a long time and this painful transference didn't start until your mom died.

You've described your mom as cold and distant and not meeting your needs as a child. But the global total of your threads and posts sound as if you really loved her despite whatever flaws she had.

To transfer means to move from one place to another. Is it possible that you're literally transferring your grief and pain (and all sorts of other emotions -- anger, longing, desire to hang on tightly and push away at the same time and on and on) about your mother's death onto your T as a way of avoiding feeling the deep grief that's normal to feel after one's mother dies.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship. In a nutshell, she was mean as a snake and kind as an angel. I kept distance between us to avoid being bitten by the snake and smothered by the angel. When she was sick at the end, I'm the one who took care of her and I grieved mightily when she passed. Grief is not a rational emotion. Maybe if you look at the way your mother treated you, you think you shouldn't grieve her so much. But you do. I "should" have been relieved when my mother died. Unfortunately, my emotions never got that memo.

You've gone through all sorts of pain and hostility and anger and suffering and embarrassment over your feelings for your T. I can see how that transference could easily take place. T was there for you while your mother was so ill, texting regularly, checking in on you, relaxing her boundaries while you were in crisis. Then she pulled back, becoming more distant, putting the boundaries back up, basically saying you can't have what you want. She's become more distant, like your mom was. You already know this transference is about your mom, but maybe it's more narrow than that -- your unconscious defenses directing you away from the bigger pain of basic hardcore grief over a death.

Your T is alive. That means you still have the chance to work things out with her, to get your needs met, to get things resolved. The finality of death puts an end to all that and that makes grief even worse.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me that a person would transfer complex grief feelings directly onto their T after going through what you did, passing the pain of the full grief process and going directly to transference as the lesser of two painful things.

Maybe this painful transference is about avoiding the bigger pain of fully grieving. As painful as all this transference for your T feels, your unconscious defenses may think it's a heck of a much more bearable pain than grieving directly for mother's death. I've discovered through hard experience that avoided grief doesn't go away.

I give you my deepest condolences on the passing of your mom. Even if she was cold and distant, and failed in many ways, she was still your mom. You were a good daughter. Direct grief work does help in time. It's something to think about and talk to T about.

[Soccer mom]

Wow, SnakeCharmer.....I'm going to have to think about this. I do know I have this feeling of not wanting to grieve for my mom due to all the pain she caused me - like she'll win or something. I don't want her to effect me (exactly how I feel about my T). Thank you!