Afraid of getting better

LCM is still on vacation. I still really hurt and I'm scared she won't come back.

I probably do need more support. I know you guys have been wanting me to admit that I need a trauma T or just another T for a long time now, and I know I do. I probably shouldn't feel so lost when LCM is out of town or cry every night.

I know that me bringing up the possibility of finding another T will probably blow up this thread. And it's my fault because I know I need to find one but I'm just so lazy and so so scared of actually getting better. I'm scared that if I get better, LCM and a new T will leave me.

As a kid, I was afraid that if I did everything my mom wanted me to do, she wouldn't remember to talk to me anymore because our entire relationship was based around her telling me to lose weight and study. And she did stop talking to me when I was doing better by her standards. Now, she only talks to me when money is involved which is fine because I don't want to talk to her, but I know this fear is really hurting me in therapy/whatever you want to call LCM.

It got even worse when ex-TT left so suddenly with no warning. I don't think it played into my fear of improvement, but it did damage my trust of Ts. Then school T of three years left. I went from having all of this support to just LCM in a matter of months and I'm not sure I've really dealt with that.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this. People are just gonna tell me that I need a T to work through this. It's kinda like when you drop your glasses and need your glasses to find your glasses. I need to work through all of this with a T just to feel safe enough to find a T.

This is a very honest thread showing a huge amount of growth whether you realize it or not. I can relate as early on in my therapy I was afraid that if I got better, I would either lose therapy or my T wouldn't be as caring and attentive.

You can improve AND gets tons of love and attention. It's just hard to believe right now.

I'm not going to beat you up over your T situation. It is good that you are aware that it is something you can look into later. It doesn't hurt to have a running list of things you want to work on but aren't ready to tackle yet.

For me anyways, the first step has been just tolerating thinking about the changes I wanted to make.

I'm sure LCM is ok will have lots to share when she gets back. I like the glasses analogy!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news (lol), but you have just taken a nice step towards finding mental balance in your life! Congratulations!! I, like many others I'm sure, completely understand the fear of getting better. As scary as living out a crappy, depressed, miserable life is, NOT living out a crappy, depressed, miserable life is even scarier! This makes no sense to me, yet, it is what I feel. It takes great strength and courage not only to admit this, but to work through this. You can do it!

If you decide to go to a therapist, maybe find one who deals with attachment issues. This type of therapist will understand the importance of providing long-term safety and trust. That might just be what you need to help you.

Whatever you do, keep taking those steps forward. The road to getting better is going to rocky and long. But it can be done! And as you move towards getting better, you will start to see how amazing life can be.

And P.S. - you better plan on getting out in that snow after the storm calms down. SNOW ANGELS!

I hope when she comes back, she'll give me a hug and won't be too sad if I melt into her arms and cry.

For what it's worth I don't think yyou are lazy, I think you have some very valid fears and maybe some depression holding you back. The reasons you have listed for struggling with getting better are also valid

My suggestion would be to share these fears with your life coach and include her in helping you find a T. I don't thinking finding a T has to mean the end of your work with your life coach but it is understandable why you would be scared it would.

This thread I think shows the beginning of you dipping your toes in the water and exploring what scares you about healing. I am glad for you and I hope this can be the start to some conversations about moving forward.

Best of luck.

I told her this actually before she left. We haven't had time to work on it. She said "sweatheart, do you really think I'd leave you when you're doing better? I want to be there to cheer you on! Plus we have so many things to work on." She then listed a bunch of stuff she wants for me.

Well, I am lazy. Whether or not my depression or PTSD or whatever is holding me back doesn't really matter because regardless of the cause, I'm sleeping on a spare blanket because I wet the bed (for the second time since LCM left) and haven't bothered to wash my sheets.

If you don't mind me asking, do you know why you are wetting the bed? Are you too drunk to get yourself to the bathroom, too lazy to get up, or so sound asleep you don't notice? This seems like something fairly big that should be addressed, either with LC or a T. It sounds like an extreme kind of regression for an adult-- perhaps tied in with your desire to be a "kid" and get the love and attention you (and so many of us) missed out on?

Uh. Well. It's kind of from putting off using the bathroom too long. But not completely from laziness. You can use your imagination from there. But I don't know why I've been worse at judging my bladder since she's been gone. Probably because I was drinking way too much. I'm not doing that as much now.

It is quite concerning if you have started to wet the bed. I'm wondering if you have a UTI perhaps from all the alcohol?

Although I also remember you're a bit into watersports, so if it's some kind of masturbation/ exploration with sensations that come from orgasming with a full bladder, that's far less of a concern. Most people I know who enjoy that stuff usually confine it to bathrooms for hygiene though.

Either way, I bet if LC knew you were sleeping on those sheets she would encourage you to strip the bed, give the mattress a scrub, and air it during the day. Pop the sheets in the wash. You will feel so much better, I can almost guarantee it - because it will be one step towards taking control of your environment and making it nicer to be in.

For what it's worth, I have twice wet the bed during the last several months. Both were during times that I felt very frightened and unsafe (these were essentially flashback feelings-- I was not actually in any danger), and both times it happened as I woke up from nightmares. It is an extreme form of regression for me, but my T did not react with any alarm. It made sense to her. It makes sense to me that this would happen with LCM gone.

I think it would be worth a check in with a doctor on the bladder issues on the chance that there could be a physical component going on as well...

IndestructibleGirl was right. Just to clarify that issue. It isn't a medical problem.

Please, for yourself, wash your sheets.

Ditto what the others have said regarding making steps in the right direction!

I understand being afraid of getting better, but you won't lose your support by improving right? I suspect LCM will stand by you throughout the next phase of your growth and won't drop you because your needs are less?

Maybe it would help to make a list of what getting better looks like? For example:

1) Education
2) Rewarding job
3) More mature relationship with LCM
4) Boyfriend/girlfriend
5) More rewarding friendships
6) Inner peace
7) Independence
8) Self care
9) Pride in your body

and so on.

Whatever your list looks like can be broken down piece by piece, and achieved in small steps.

I called my friend. She'll lend me some laundry detergent and $2 so I can wash my sheets tonight. I'm way short on money for a few days because the snow has messed with my pay cycle/cut my hours like crazy. And I'm saving the $10 I have until Friday or when my check from this weekend comes for emergencies/making sure I can see LCM when she gets home. But I will wash my sheets later and that will be solved.

It's a good list. I'm working on everything on it in some way. I'm in school, I don't have my dream job yet but I'm working on it and playing much more frequently, I've made huge strides with LCM already even though I still have a long way to go. I've decided to take looking for a boyfriend really slowly. I'm not gonna just hook up with someone randomly or waste my time with guys who will pressure me. I have a steady job outside of my freelance work and it doesn't pay enough or have enough hours, but it is building a resume. Which reminds me I need to fill out an application for another job I found teaching music. I need more friends and the last ones you listed are very much not where they need to be.

That all sounds great! It seems that getting better in some ways doesn't seem as hard as others.

This is just my opinion, but I think taking your time and getting into a healthy relationship is so helpful for healing. Granted, you'll need to make sure you're taking care of yourself and your space to help the process along. Being with someone who wants your undivided attention, invites you into their private life, won't make you feel less than others in their life, etc will help you get past the obsessive feelings about LCM. The intimacy but boundaries can be incredibly hurtful if you don't have a strong support outside of therapy.

You are growing!!!!! My t said today in our session that first step in recovery is to become aware (sounds simple but for many years I wasn't aware of my own issues). You are aware what to work on snd it is the very big brave step!!!!

I wish I could hug you now!!!! Good job

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Growly, I bet your LCM would be super proud of that post.

I need her to come home now. I'm crying again. She said she'll come home tomorrow but she'll be asleep for a day. Which I understand. I'm gonna let her text me first because she could get stuck overseas and I don't want to make her phone bill go insane if she hasn't turned it off correctly. I just hope she hasn't forgotten about me. She texted me one a few months ago at random that she missed me so she probably misses me now.

I just want her to come home and hug me and kiss my cheek and say "I missed you so much honey I'm home and I'm not leaving". I need that so much. I need her like a little girl needs her mother.

I'm just trying to choose to believe that she managed to get home safely and is sleeping in her apartment now. I'm so worried about her being stuck somewhere or something going wrong with the snow during landing or during her ride home. And I'm also worried she has forgotten me. But I don't even know where in the world she is and she said she won't be available until tomorrow because she will be too tired. But I told her that I will wait for her to text first and I'm scared she will have forgotten.

This is gonna be really rough until I hear from her.

There's no way she's forgotten about you.

She may be in her apartment, or delayed somewhere, but you'll see her soon. It's not your responsibility to worry about her, since she seems very competent to take care of herself.

Maybe you can prep for your next visit by doing some self-care things? Long hot bath, taking extra time on your hair, relaxing to some music, long stretches, or picking out a nice outfit?

I took a PRN because I was getting really worked up. I have an appointment with my pdoc now. It will be useless because I can't open up to him, but I can ask for a raise in my antidepressant because I think I need it.

No way she forgot about you. What is she 90 years old?

I understand how you feel though. I travel overseas a lot and so do many of my loved ones. Also my daughter got married overseas and lives across the ocean. I can relate to often stressing out about delays, time difference, jet lag, something happened to so and so etc etc

But nothing happened, she is just jet lagged



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Yeah. 37 would be really young to be totally forgetting people. I guess I just worry that I won't cross her mind and she won't remember to care about me or contact me.

She also might still be flying or her flight might have been canceled for all I know. I literally have no clue where she is.

I know you feel anxious. I get anxious not knowing where people are. I often imagine the worst. She'll be back soon

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Still nothing. This waiting really sucks