My T Left Me...Part 2

Oh. Btw, I forgot to add. I mentioned yesterday I got a call from a potential therapist.

So my T told me about this one DBT place long ago, but she told me not to go there. She said they get bad reviews, and the director is a drunk and has severe mental health issues.

Well, when I was calling around the other day, I got referred to them. So I got the number of the T one rank below the director (just incase the director really is messed up). The T called me back yesterday. She said that they do group and individual DBT therapy. Individual is $50 per session and group is $25 per session. I'm supposed to do there group if I'm using their individual. The woman said she'd talk to her boss about seeing if I could just do individual for now and to also see if they could reduce the price some. So I might have already found my next therapist...one who is actually trained in real DBT.

But I'm scared. For one, they are just down the street from my T. It will be difficult to be in that area again. Two, what if they are bad? Three, that will mean when DBT at the county is over, I will have no need for the county. I will have group and therapy through these new people and I can go back to my original Pdoc.

Too many changes and too many unknowns.

I came to this forum to vent about my disappointing therapy appointment. instead I found that you started a new thread. I agree with others the other one was getting pretty long. I am very happy to see that you are still doing what you can to recover. Just know that you are thought of. And seeing your new thread reminded me that my situation could be worse. So I thank you for that.

(((SP))) Sorry I missed your morning hug!!
So glad you started another thread. I was worried about you after your other one was closed.
I don't think I've been very supportive through this ordeal, but I just want you to know that I'm pulling for you, sending positive thoughts in your general direction, and I'm a good listener
Sorry about your dog making a mess. I know all about dog the joys and frustrations of furbabies.

Please, I don't want you or anyone else to trivialize or minimize your own issues by comparing them to mine. Pain is pain. Everyone deserves support. None of us deserve to suffer. There are people here and in the rest of the world who are dealing with things that are "worse" than my issues. In fact, when I first joined PC, my issues with my T didn't even compare in contrast to others. But I still got support.

I do care about everyone, and I always try to make an effort to return support wherever I can. And while I haven't been posting on other's threads, it's simply because I can't keep my $hit out of my responses, not because I don't care.

But if you or anyone else can relate, by all means, you can post here. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced a loss and/or abandonment of a T. Even for me, this is my 8th T. I've just never been dealt a blow like this...not from a T.

You have been plenty supportive of me. Everyone has. Support comes in many forms, and I appreciate all forms. I'm happy even with /hug or /thanks. I have no expectations when it comes to support, honestly. The only thing I ask for is compassionate support. Everyone can challenge my though processes and give me the kick in the butt type support when I get more stable

I am doing good today. I think I'm just being numb to it all really. But whatever gets me by, right? Least I'm not in complete denial or doing anything reckless. Just riding the waves as they come, trying to keep my head above water, and making sure that I have people surrounding me in case I start slipping under. That's what life is about right? Balancing, being aware, being proactive, and embracing the positives. Not easy, but I'm trying.

ah yes, i got my coping skills from the DBT i did whilst inpatient.

Ps i am glad you're doing good today x

SP, glad to see you're posting still & I hope you continue on the path you're on now, I think you're doing a lot of great things to help take care of yourself & I definitely hope that continues! Thanks for starting a new thread so we can all see how you're doing & give you the support you need & rightfully deserve!

Scarlet, despite all the pain and confusion and angst in your relationship with ex-T, you are showing remarkable healing.

Every day, going through your motions, keeping your scheduled commitments, positive self-talk, coping skills, goals, backup strategy, you got it all covered!

For someone who "needs a higher level of care" and "isn't making any progress" in individual therapy, you certainly internalized a lot of life skills.

I'm proud of you, your awesome strength and perseverance in this extremely hard time, and I feel certain you will find even more healing the more time you have apart from ex-T.

You see these things, you're aware of them, but I bet you downplay them to yourself. I do it too. My T makes me keep an accomplishment journal, and even if it's just one entry every day, eventually you have a huge list of things you did right. It's affirming, on the days the little voice in my head tries to belittle me, I have proof that voice is a big fat liar pants!

These posts are your accomplishments and you can re-read them any time you feel doubt creeping in. Sure, the responses are helpful, but the true power in these threads comes from you.

I second this.

I third that!

Seriously, you're fantastic and you deserve to know it!

Thank you all

Do you think that even having a support thread, such as this, may put too much pressure on you to respond?

Sometimes, hunkering down for a bit, is helpful. Sometimes not.

I think people cope in different ways. If you all were physically present in my life, it would be overwhelming. Then again, I could never ever handle this many people in my life. The fact that this is online makes a huge difference to me. People don't have to respond by a certain time or at all. Same with me. I don't feel any pressure to respond individually. I do when I can. And I do take breaks away from the forums. Today I was at group, took a nap, went out to dinner with my fiance, and I plan on watching tv in a few. Yesterday I had 2 dentists appts and went out to dinner with my mom and niece. On top of that, I haven't posted much about actual events that occurred, just the pain and how I'm doing mostly. The pain consumes me right now. There's no escaping it. And it's not healthy to avoid it either. But I'm also not focusing on it. I do my best to still achieve all of my responsibilities everyday. And then, I'm also not talking to the people in my life about it 24/7. My niece doesn't even know what happened. And if I do talk about it with someone, I'm not always crying. I tend to have a good on/off switch intuition when it comes to knowing when I can cry. And if the switch fails, I leave the situation.

Does that make sense? The only time I felt pressured to respond was my fault. I posted something that upset people and didn't think to be more clear or to check-in. So as soon as I realized I did that, I responded.

I know my limitations and boundaries pretty well for the most part. My concern is other people's limitations and making sure that they know that I have no expectations on them. I don't want to burden anyone or make them feel like they have to do or say anything. If I don't get a reply from X person within a certain amount of time, I'm not going to freak out and feel abandoned. I simply will be grateful for all they already have done and hope all is well with them.

Besides, I LOVE writing. It's such a beneficial outlet for me. I could write for hour and hours if given the chance. One time I wrote a journal entry that was 40 pages long

for personal reasons we are much too afraid to post here which is why you are not familiar with us(something that happened a few years ago not recently) but we always lurk and read to see how others are doing. we are venturing here to tell you how incredibly amazing we think you are("we" as in DID just easier is all )
thank you for sharing but more importantly thank you for choosing to take care of YOU because YOU are so worth it! ♥♥♥

Well, then I especially appreciate you posting on my thread

Another difficult night... I keep going over the whys as if that would give peace.

I miss her. I'm hurt by her. I'm angry at her. Part of me wants to run to her begging, the other part wants to send her dead flowers or something like that.

I'm confused as to why me? Why did she change? Maybe it wasn't my fault, but what about me or my situation made her change so drastically? I will never know. Even if she called me up tomorrow and said "I terminated you because of xyz", would I believe her? If she came to me apologizing and offered to help me, would I accept it? Pretty sure I wouldn't. She's not the person I thought I knew. Was I just idealizing her the entire time? Was any of it real?

As more time passes, more memories arise. She said her concern comes from a place of love and she said she wants me to feel loved and safe with her. How can the woman who said things like that, and made so many promises change so quickly and do this to me. I don't get it.

While the change is confusing, it's the loss that hurts. I want her to take this pain away. I want her to comfort me like she used to when I was struggling. I have no one in my life who cares for me in the capacity she did.

It just hurts so much. I feel so vulnerable, fragile, weak... I wonder if the times I'm at peace is truly me or a "mask" I'm wearing. I know people don't realize the thoughts that go through my mind, how often, and how severe. I make jokes about it sometimes, but they don't get it.



I do have to say that the purpose of my tattoos are working. I badly want to SI in those areas, but the tattoos are detering me. I think I'm going to need to tattoo my whole body if I want to quit

I just can't believe I was abandoned again. I can't believe she's gone. How do people do that? Just vanish like that? Well, that wasn't vanishing. That was stabbing me in the heart and then vanishing.

How do you try again? How do you trust again? I'm usually great at reading people. Were there signs that I just didn't listen to? Like my continual fear of her? All the debating over words? The push/pull? I have never had it that severe with anyone in the past except with an ex-bf...but that was a bad dynamic to begin with (Bpd + Aspergers = extremely difficult relationship).

But I loved her. I still love her. Why? Am I being delusional. I don't want to suffer from this amymore. I'm tired of the pain. Locking myself away from the world was so much better.



All I want is for the pain to stop...one way or another. How do you make the pain stop? Really. This isn't a hypothetical question. How do you make the pain stop? How do you find the strength and motivation to keep moving forward when you are simply coasting at a snails pace?

Do I just have really bad luck with people abandoning me? Do I attract that type of person? Am I doing something to make them want to leave? I'm good with boundaries. I'm good with support, caring, and empathy.

I'm just lost in a dark haze. Maybe morning will bring back a little light.

Hey Scarlet,

I'm sorry you are having dark thoughts at the moment.

The pain must be immense. I just wanted to say (although I don't know if it's helpful) that it's ok for you to feel the way you do -- it's ok that you still love your t and mourn the loss. She had an incredible impact on your life, both positively and negatively. The way she terminated you is absolutely unacceptable, but what helps me in similar situations is to distinguish between now and back then. I'm sure that not everything she did for you was bad. What happened doesn't mean she was insincere from the beginning.
I'm currently in the process of splitting up with my husband of fifteen years, and there is so much pain lodged in the formerly happy memories now. I try hard not to let the current situation ruin those memories. They make me very sad, but I try not to invalidate them. My husband and I both have given and taken in this relationship. We have both grown. Even if we split up, this still remains true. And I think the same can be true for other relationships we have in our lives.

it wouldn't be better to just end it all. trust me.

things will get better. you will adjust to living without your therapist; living for you. you deserve this a hell of a lot and time will heal this wound. you need time to grieve; and there will come acceptance and closure.

(((SP))) It's morning hug time! Hope you wake up feeling a bit better today.
Some of those things you wrote in your last post really hit home with me. I had (have) many of those same exact thoughts when I start thinking about losing my ex-T. Completely different circumstances, however. Mine is literally days away from death (in hospice care) right now, but it was still a sudden loss that I was and still am having difficulties with. The "why" I keep asking is "why her?" and "why did she get sick and not me. It should have been me..." I got the news back in October. I still cry about it sometimes - like right now as I'm typing this.
I can relate so much to what you're going through. I want to tell you that the way you are processing this, and sharing this, is so inspiring to me. I admire your strength.

I heard a phrase yesterday and I really like it. The lotus flower is a symbol of peace is some cultures, and it grows out the muck in the bottom of a pond.
"No mud, no lotus"

Scarlet,

When you're deeply depressed it's normal to think that's the only reality and it will never end. I know because I've been there, too. It looks like the hurting is the only thing that is real because it hurts so bad you can't remember anything else but the hurting will let up and then the rest can get in again, and the rest isn't always or even usually easy but it's so wildly beautiful in its own way, in the little things like a song that reminds you of a good memory, a shared laugh, dolphins swimming off shore (do you ever get them in San Diego?) that makes it worth it for no logical reason. Hold on to that even if it's not real now. It will be. Depression is an altered state that goes away. It fool you into thinking it's the only reality but it's not.

In a different post you had some really good insights as to why your T did what she did. You said that she doesn't usually take long-term clients, I think you said she doesn't have experience with people with your particular problems. I don't remember all the details right now, just that she wasn't qualified to work with someone with your particular issues. Which means it didn't have a high probability of her meeting your needs in the long term, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID.

It's hard for you right now. I so wish it wasn't. The fairy dust that's swirling around you right now? Those sparkles you feel on your shoulders? Don't brush it off yet. It's made from all the good feelings from all the people in your life including us. It will be there for you to use as much as you can and want.

I have no idea how this post will look in the morning. It doesn't matter because I'm not looking at it. But it's for real, okay?

Hugs. I hope you're sleeping and find this when you wake up and things are easier.

hope you're okay today SP

(((Scarlet)))


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I still hurt emotionally and physically

I'm not really awake yet. Just had a bad dream. So I came here to remember I'm not alone.

The birds are singing, there's a cold breeze, and the sun is just starting to rise over the hill. And I realized that my babies are sleeping around me... In its simplistic form, what more could you ask to wake up to?

Too tired to respond more in depth, but when I really wake up I will.

Kraken1851:
I have to write this now or I will forget. I think you hit on something. Splitting. I cannot see my T right now as a whole person. I cannot accept that the person who loved me is also the person who abandoned me. I'm stuck in the black and white and can't integrate the two. That conflict is causing me a lot of distress. And it goes back to a question I never got the chance to ask her about love. I think this might be a really good thing to bring up with the short-term T.

I can't change my T, I can't change what happened... So I have to change myself via emotions, thoughts, or behavior. I'm working on the behavior aspect. So maybe changing my thoughts (i.e. the splitting), will help me change the emotions

Thanks for the pictures of your fuzzy-buddies! They made me smile and want to go curl up with them.