[rainbow8]

I'm embarrassed to write about this. Some of my difficulty last session was because of how good my T looked. She was more dressed up and her hair looked especially nice. So I said to her "you look good." Then I mumbled something else but I don't remember what. She said "thank you."

It was awkward because I could feel that part of me who has a crush on her coming out but I was trying to ignore it. T knows about that part but there's nothing more to say. I think I had trouble connecting vwith her because I didn't want to look at her too closely. It's not ET anymore, if it ever was; it's more of a wanting to be with her, maybe the urge to merge, baby stuff. Also adult me wanting to look like her. Idk. How I look, how she looks, how my family looks, is too important to me. I KNOW what's inside is more important! I wish I wouldn't react to T's looks and her clothes. It's part of loving her and transference, I think. Does anyone else react to how their T looks and dresses, other than ET?

[musinglizzy]

I feel like I love my T (not in an ET sort of way), but I barely LOOK at her during session. I honestly can't usually tell you after a session what she was wearing. I just know always heels....because I hear those heels when she walks. And I always focus on something to stare at in the room...and the closest I've ever come to looking at her is catching myself staring at her feet. I've always had an issue with eye contact with people unless I'm really comfortable with them...and I'm not really comfortable in therapy. I glance at her here and there, but usually during my sessions I'm facing away from her out of choice. Not just my head, but my whole body. (I'll sit sideways on the couch and stare at her bookshelf or something).

As children go through a stage when we idolised the mother. Her smell, the shape of her body, the clothes she wears.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

As children go through a stage when we idolised the mother. Her smell, the shape of her body, the clothes she wears.

I must have skipped that stage! LOL

[rainbow8]

musinglizzy, do you ever talk to your T about your trouble with eye contact? I have trouble with it too, but usually I look directly into my T's eyes. It's a little scary but feels so good!

Mouse, I'm still in that stage with my T, then. Sometimes, that is. I want to bury myself in her clothes and play with her hair! It's difficult to concentrate on other issues when I feel like that. I should have told her how I felt when I told her she looked good. I knew it was distracting me.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

musinglizzy, do you ever talk to your T about your trouble with eye contact? I have trouble with it too, but usually I look directly into my T's eyes. It's a little scary but feels so good!

Mouse, I'm still in that stage with my T, then. Sometimes, that is. I want to bury myself in her clothes and play with her hair! It's difficult to concentrate on other issues when I feel like that. I should have told her how I felt when I told her she looked good. I knew it was distracting me.

No...I actually haven't. I'm sure she's noticed, I've been seeing her for almost a year.... and spend 99.9% of my session looking the other way. Much worse when I'm crying, because I don't want her to see. In "real life," my hair is up in a pony tail ALL the time. But, when I go to therapy, I leave it down...so I can "hide" behind it.

[Ambra]

You are definitely not alone in this and I don't think it's embarrassing at all.
I notice how my T looks - usually - and, even though I know what's inside is more important than the appearance too, I inevitably wish I looked more like her, or look better than I do. I only see the good and I feel so distant.
No ET for me, but affection and admiration that turns sometimes into a fierce longing for something I'll never have (her friendship) or be (half as successful) and it's not even envy as it misses the bitter. I just wish I was closer to her under many points of view because I like her so much. She was one of a very few safe and comforting figures, and definitely the first healthy one. I couldn't help but cling to her (too much?).
I really like your T and the way she handles transference. Many mess up with it, let alone finding the courage to bring up the topic. Well done Rainbow.

[growlycat]

Yes!!! I understand very much. I've let both good looks and superficial charm from my CBT blind me from other realities.

I hope you are able to talk to your T about it. Nothing to be ashamed of, you can see from pc that it happens all the time.

[ThingWithFeathers]

My t doesn't know it ... but, yes, sometimes she takes my breath away. She has unique and brilliant hair, and I've found myself starting to look for, and be attracted to, others who have similar hair. I don't think it's ET either, just an intense emotional attraction. I don't think of her in a physical way (I could never think of her in a physical way - a boundary I couldn't cross), but my heart melts when I do think of her. She is sweet, compassionate, understanding, kind, soft, warm - I guess all the things you'd want in a mother. But I could never share that with her. No one knows. I'm ashamed of it and could never bring it up.

But, yes, I do uncomfortably think she is gorgeous, but I also think a lot has to do with her personality.

So I do understand your embarrassment and the feeling you're talking about.

[stopdog]

No. I don't notice it with the therapist. But I don't really notice clothing or hair for even real people.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I must have skipped that stage! LOL

Me too.




..,

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I must have skipped that stage! LOL

Me too! I idolized my mother for her personality, her talent, her character, etc., but not her appearance. Sure, my mom was a nice looking woman, but it wasn't really something I paid my attention to, certainly not her clothing or hair or whatever. Except for her hands . . . I can remember looking at her hands; they were beautiful and I still can see them when I think about them. I think it is because I spent so much time watching her play the organ, watching her sew, watching her crochet . . . She was always one to give us a supportive, gentle pat on our hands with her hands.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Me too! I idolized my mother for her personality, her talent, her character, etc., but not her appearance. Sure, my mom was a nice looking woman, but it wasn't really something I paid my attention to, certainly not her clothing or hair or whatever. Except for her hands . . . I can remember looking at her hands; they were beautiful and I still can see them when I think about them. I think it is because I spent so much time watching her play the organ, watching her sew, watching her crochet . . . She was always one to give us a supportive, gentle pat on our hands with her hands.

Sounds like you had a pretty amazing mom! There's a lot of love in your post.

Yes, she is a very special woman. She's about to turn 81 in a few months. She is amazingly loving and supportive. I was very blessed with the parents I have and that they are still with us and in remarkably good health for 84 and 80.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

As children go through a stage when we idolised the mother. Her smell, the shape of her body, the clothes she wears.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Mouse, I'm still in that stage with my T, then. Sometimes, that is. I want to bury myself in her clothes and play with her hair! It's difficult to concentrate on other issues when I feel like that. I should have told her how I felt when I told her she looked good. I knew it was distracting me.

I think I skipped that stage too - or, at least it didn't go as intended... My mother had/has body image issues... I remember times when I was absolutely disgusted with her and I am still determined not to be like her - often that's to my own detriment.
I was just as you both describe with previous T. I remember wanting to touch her hair and thinking how beautiful it was. Sometimes I'll buy clothes and accessories simply because they remind me of her.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

... usually I look directly into my T's eyes. It's a little scary but feels so good!

I am curious about this... what do you mean 'it feels so good' to look into your t's eyes? What feels 'good' about it?

[Chummy]

I have also paid a lot of attention to how my T looks. She's pretty. I don't have ET with her, I'm not attracted to other women. But I want to be more like her. Also, I can look for long times at her profile picture.

[granite1]

I don't believe i was ever in a stage like that with the mother . only once do I remember anything close to that . one time I was really sick and for some reason she let me sleep in her bed I remember smelling the musk that she usually wore on her pillow .

[rainbow8]

Luce, I don't know what to answer often when my T asks why I feel good. She always asks what feels good when I hold her hand and I'm stuck! Then I come up with warm, safe, connected, and calm. So, I have to think about what feels good when I look into Ts eyes. Her eyes are pretty, so that's one reason. Mostly, I get a feeling of connection, and see that she cares and feels connected to me too. I've noticed that she is always looking at me during a session because when her glance moves to the clock near the end of a session, I notice! Also, since eye contact is still hard for me in real life, I feel good that I'm practicing with my T. I trust that it's safe to look in her eyes, and seeing that she's looking at me without judging me. Sorry for the longish answer! It made me think!

[stopdog]

I would imagine it has something to do with oxytocin.

[Soccer mom]

I went through a phase of wondering how my T. did everything - what she cooks, what kind of mother she is, everything. I do think it's like a child wanting to mirror their mother. I still wonder but with less intensity. I do notice her clothes and shoes (from looking down) but I'm not sure why. I guess out of curiosity because she mostly wears black. It's almost like I want to take it all in.

I, too, enjoy the eye contact. I'm not sure I'll be able to describe it. I guess it's like a parent being attuned to their child. It's like she can see inside my soul. It feels awesome and, at the same time, scary. Sometimes I have to look away because it feels too intense.

[rainbow8]

Soccer mom, you described my feelings exactly, especially "wanting to take it all in." I used to want to BE my T. Or wanted to sit on her lap and put my arms around her. The analogy she liked best was telling her I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and live in her pouch! The touching is something I really do have with her, so some of those other yearnings are gone. They can be triggered by how she looks, though, which was the theme of my thread.

Yeah, the eye contact is awesome but scary. I keep telling myself I'm going to have eye contact with friends and family, but it's such a habit not to, that I don't do it. Not even with my H.

[Soccer mom]

Rainbow, I also wondered what my T's house was like and if it was better than mine, etc. These mirroring feelings really bothered me for awhile since I feel fairly secure outside of therapy - I rarely get jealous of others and feel pretty secure about myself.

I've been trying to have more lasting eye contact with others. And, because I tend to look away when I talk, I didn't realize how many of my friends maintain eye contact with me. I have told my H that I want better eye contact but I don't think either one of us is really trying. And, I'm not positive it would give me the same warm fuzzy feelings.

[stopdog]

I found this fascinating about oxytocin and dogs- http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/0...ogs-eyes/?_r=0

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I found this fascinating about oxytocin and dogs- http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/0...ogs-eyes/?_r=0

That article was very interesting, stopdog. Thanks.

As far as humans, has anyone's T or pdoc ever mentioned oxytocin? If we feel connected/ attached/ close to someone, including a T, is it due to oxytocin? I read a couple of articles about it being the "love" chemical.