[ThingWithFeathers]

I've been with my t for 2 and a bit years. We have never had a rupture or a painful misunderstanding throughout that period. Sure, she has done things that some may find rupturing, but not me. She has done things I find understandable and perfectly reasonable given the circumstances, such as repling late to emails, canceling sessions when she's been sick, going away for 2-4 weeks at a time, calling the emergency MH services so they could provide care for me in times of crisis. Nothing I so far has caused a rupture.

I'm curious about other people's experience in ruptures in t. What caused the rupture and how was it resolved?

My T breached my confidentiality without a legal reason to do. He did it in a most devious, unscrupulous and vicious fashion. He hurt me beyond belief and has never apologized for it. I've been waiting every day for a phone call but I get nothing! How low can he be? My situation remains unresolved but not forgotten!!! I am left to live with the ramifications for the rest of my life. I can't believe he would do this to me. We had a great relationship and he goes off the charts to hurt me.

[Lamplighter]

I expect you'll get a ton of replies to your question ThingWithFeathers and I can't help thinking you are either very lucky, have a brilliant T or don't need to be in therapy as much as some others lol, if you haven't yet experienced any rupture or falling out with T. I hope you never do, I think the whole thing of rupture and repair as something necessary and normal in relationships is way too overrated.

As for me, I have to say there were very few times when ruptures that occurred between various Ts and I were ever properly resolved. And in most cases, a serious enough rupture that I couldn't rationalize away or entirely blame myself for would send me packing.

Having said that, I'm all for trying to sort things out (even if I'm the one leaving, I still experience that as abandonment and rejection) but when the other doesn't seem to hear what I'm trying to tell them, then it does all get very pointless.

I don't call them ruptures. They are reenactment.
Without them, we learn little

[Favorite Jeans]

TWF how do you generally handle anger and conflict? What do you do when your feelings are hurt? I wonder if perhaps you are protecting your T from your difficult feelings about her and about the therapy process. How do you process and express your anger with the people you are closest to? Does it feel like your relationship with your therapist could survive anger, frustration or disappointment? I guess I'm wondering where those feelings go when you're in therapy. Another possibility is that the nature of your therapy is such that it doesn't require or create the kind of intense relationship that is likely to generate those kinds of feelings.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

I expect you'll get a ton of replies to your question ThingWithFeathers and I can't help thinking you are either very lucky, have a brilliant T or don't need to be in therapy as much as some others lol, if you haven't yet experienced any rupture or falling out with T. I hope you never do, I think the whole thing of rupture and repair as something necessary and normal in relationships is way too overrated.

As for me, I have to say there were very few times when ruptures that occurred between various Ts and I were ever properly resolved. And in most cases, a serious enough rupture that I couldn't rationalize away or entirely blame myself for would send me packing.

Having said that, I'm all for trying to sort things out (even if I'm the one leaving, I still experience that as abandonment and rejection) but when the other doesn't seem to hear what I'm trying to tell them, then it does all get very pointless.

I genuinely think my t is brilliant and I am very lucky to have found her.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Edit - duplicate post!

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

TWF how do you generally handle anger and conflict? What do you do when your feelings are hurt? I wonder if perhaps you are protecting your T from your difficult feelings about her and about the therapy process. How do you process and express your anger with the people you are closest to? Does it feel like your relationship with your therapist could survive anger, frustration or disappointment? I guess I'm wondering where those feelings go when you're in therapy. Another possibility is that the nature of your therapy is such that it doesn't require or create the kind of intense relationship that is likely to generate those kinds ...

I have extremely inhibited anger, so I don't show it, am afraid of it and don't know how to express it. I am also incredibly attached to my t. I don't know whether it's healthy or unhealthy attachment, but I have never before had an attachment figure - she's the first.

[nottrustin]

I have been with T for almost 7 years I don't believe we have ever had a rupture. I get frustrated but rarely get really angry. Even with my husband in the 20 years we have been married we have probably had 5 fights. It takes a lot for me to get upset with other people. There have been a few times I have been frustrated when it comes to emailing T as she might not respond quickly enough or whatever. However, even without saying anything to her, I usually figure out why in our next session based on things she says. I have learned that she is not ignoring my emails. A short time ago. We did have a miscommunication in an email. And we both became frustrated. She had sent me 2 emails back to back but I didn't received the 2nd one until later one. So she actually thought I was thinking about finding a new T. We were able to work it out through the emails. At our next session we very briefly discussed that sometimes it happens in emails and that we were able to clear things up quicky.

My first real rupture with my T did not happen until more than 3 years into the relationship. He had made a couple of somewhat hurtful comments along the way, but they were just unthinking things, and he quickly apologized as soon as I told him I was upset or hurt. Our first real challenge in the relationship was dealing with the backlash of his anxiety after telling me he loved me. He just freaked the **** out, and we went through this period of him trying to distance himself and him telling me I was 'just a client.' It sucked. Eventually, it was me who fixed the relationship by assuring him that it was okay to love me, AND have to keep me in the 'just a client' position because the boundaries in the relationship are set in stone, and I was good with that, and he could relax and stop worrying.

Another later upset was unresolved for a while because he could not admit he made an error. That one would have resulted in my leaving therapy with this T if he had not finally seen my point and told me he made a huge error, he was very sorry and it would never happen again.

[stopdog]

I have only had a minor blip or two with the second one I see. I felt she blew off something I am dead serious about about and had wanted to talk about. I told her I needed to reevaluate the use of therapy,she asked why, I told her about the blowing off -she apologized and said she had not realized I was so serious about the topic, but would try to get it right if I wanted to try again. So I did and she did and we went on.

I was rarely not in conflict with the first until I got her to stop talking. Now the only time there is rupturing is when I soften (her word) and let her talk. With this one, she does not handle tne information as to how she failed well, she makes promises she cannot keep even for a week, she never remembers anything and is useful because she stays back and does not care.

I have never found ruptures to create the remarkable things got better after that some people seem to have.

I had one rupture with my t. It was quite awhile ago and was most unpleasant. It was mostly my fault, I own that. Basically I didn't like the way a phone session was going and I hung up on her. (and I do NOT hang up on people!) I felt abysmal for days, cried randomly, meh it was awful. A few days later I called her with my tail between my legs and apologized, said I knew I had destroyed our relationship, etc. She was most gracious, accepted my apology, said that it was damaged, but not destroyed, and like any relationship it could be repaired. So we scheduled again and set about repairing it. It didn't take long, as I recall. Anyway I think after the fact that our therapeutic relationship became stronger for it, that it probably did have something to do with re-enacting like mouse said. It was a huge lesson for me all the way around. I am SO lucky to have had her for my t!!

[musinglizzy]

My T knew I had a very hard time showing emotions...so when I finally started she'd sit by me and let me cry on her shoulder...made me feel safe and cared for. After about 5 months, she abruptly stopped. NO discussion about it before, during or after, until I started to notice and said something to her. She said touch in therapy was not her modality and she strayed away when she thought I needed it, but decided it was time for me to find it within myself and said she will no longer be offering that. I've been devastated for months since, still considering quitting. It was, for lack of a better term, traumatizing for me. Had I known it was temporary, I never would have allowed it to begin with. I am finding it harder to cope in my regular life since, the rejection has been more than I can bear. And, of course, I feel horribly pathetic about my feelings. Therapy has not been helping me lately, it's been making me worse. I grew to have a great deal of trust in my T, and it's gone now. And we're both feeling it.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I have extremely inhibited anger, so I don't show it, am afraid of it and don't know how to express it. I am also incredibly attached to my t. I don't know whether it's healthy or unhealthy attachment, but I have never before had an attachment figure - she's the first.

I suspect then that you're not allowing yourself to experience all your feelings about therapy and the therapist. It'll be a huge turning point the first time you tell her that you're upset with her or wish that she'd handled something differently. I have similarly been uncomfortable with angry feelings and generally just swallowed my hurt feelings and disappointment with people. I also felt very caught off guard and unable to engage well with them when they were upset with me. I'm working on all this stuff and it's a pretty cool process. Last week I told my therapist in real time (this is new, I have been able to tell her awhile later about something that angered me in session, but never before in the moment) that I didn't like how she was addressing something. I said it irritably too. She coped well and apologized later. It was kind of great.

[LonesomeTonight]

This is fairly minor compared to some of the other ruptures people have mentioned, but I'll share anyway. I was in a kind of bad place after talking to my advisor in my master's program. My husband didn't seem to get why I was upset and neither did my mom, who I talked to that day. I thought surely my T would make me feel better. But she actually said to me, "I know you want me to validate your feelings right now, but I'm not going to validate you." I think her point was to make me think more about my feelings and examine why I had them. But it felt crushing to me. After the appointment, I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried for like 20 minutes.

H and I had an appointment with our marriage counselor like two days later. Finally, he validated me and made me feel better. I asked him after the appointment if I could possibly have a couple individual sessions with him talk about about personal stuff, not anything marital, because I felt like what I needed right then was his style of therapy rather than my T's. He said he'd feel more comfortable if I just stuck with my T for individual therapy (note: for those who've read my threads on transference with him, this was a few months before that all came out, and I hadn't realized it was going on yet).

Then I felt horribly guilty for trying to switch to him for a bit instead of my regular T, who I'd been seeing for a couple years, so I ended up crying in my car over *that*. Plus I felt a bit rejected by MC. Left a long message apologizing to my T (since I figured he'd invariably mention it to her--I'd signed a paper allowing them to communicate about me). She called back and said it was OK, then apologized for making me so upset with the not validating me. She said she'd misread me and the situation.

I think that experience led me to feel closer to my T and more comfortable with her. She said she was glad I'd expressed my anger with her, too. It led to a more honest relationship.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I didn't have a "rupture" for 5.5 years with the same T, until now. It takes a lot to upset me and I loved her a lot.

I don't know if it even counts as a "rupture" or more of realizing that maybe the relationship was not healthy and didn't have any boundaries... And I got hurt really badly.

I think for me the things that caused it, and the ONLY things I can't move past, are dishonesty and complete inconsistency. I'm terrified of abandonment but I think I could have dealt with that easier than her dishonesty (because she didn't want to tell me the truth) and constant backtracking. That's just confusing and a mind**** from anyone, let alone your therapist.

[divine1966]

I was upset with my t once because she kept repeating that I need to do XYZ and I kept telling her it isn't right for me but she kept arguing. I was so upset with her that I didn't want to see her for like a month. Then it blew over. Didn't effect us.

I don't think therapists are gods, they make mistakes. She never insisted on something anymore and things are ok. If she continued with craziness And arguing I would terminate. I don't like argumentative people, regardless therapist or not


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I never had a rupture which surprises me, because I was not the easiest client. My last therapist was into meeting all my needs and giving me what I wanted to the best of her ability within her boundaries. But, even with past therapist there were no ruptures.

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

I can't help thinking you are either very lucky, have a brilliant T or don't need to be in therapy as much as some others lol, if you haven't yet experienced any rupture or falling out with T. (

Probably more of a luck thing? personality thing? Who knows? One of the great mysteries of life. I haven't ever had ruptures with any of my therapists either, certainly nothing I would call a rupture. Sure, there are times we disagree and talk it through, but I don't consider that really a rupture -- just part and parcel of any relationship, including that with a therapist. It was never something that I found highly upsetting, considered leaving over, feared discussing, etc. (And I definitely needed therapy! LOL!!)

[willowbrook]

My Pdoc refers to some of the very rare 'ruptures' we've had, as a way of discussing the concept of 'rupture and repair' (mainly to illustrate the fact that I don't need to mentally beat myself up every time I have a minor tiff with a friend). The thing is though I don't consider any minor disagreements, or annoyances (for want of a better word) we've had between one another to actually be a 'rupture' - to me a rupture involves way more than that, like shouting, yelling, storming off and slamming doors level of more.

I never had a rupture in any of my therapy experiences except for the first one who refused to let me come back unless I brought my husband in. I refused to do that and he wouldn't talk about it or communicate why or what was going on or anything. I guess that was a rupture. I wanted to work things through, just not by bringing my husband in because that would have made things much worse.

I am also not one to get angry or throw fits or hang up on people or act irrational. I worked VERY hard in therapy each and every time (3 therapists) and I've done the best I could.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I never had a rupture in any of my therapy experiences except for the first one who refused to let me come back unless I brought my husband in.

WHAT? How can a T do that? If it's not couple's therapy then they had no right to demand that of you. That's just disrespectful to you and very unethical.

I have filed a complaint. I saw him for seven long years before that. Crazy making experience.

[Giucy]

T giving legal advice I didn't asked and he was unqualified for giving.
When I refused to follow said advice, T blamed it on psychological problem and being unable to think rationally. Unfortunately, said advice was so flawed that even a 1st year student in law could spot the elephant in the room.
Both of the time it happened, there was no way to resolve the issue but firing said T.

Another time, a pdoc asked me not to tell the truth about my health condition in a form for driving license. I refused to do so.
I refuse to comply with such unethical and illegal request, even from a pdoc.
No matter what my ex-friend can tell "a psychiatrist knows best what's good for you, he only wants to help you. No need to throw a tantrum for such a petty issue". NC with that ex-friend since then.
My mom changed her mind about this issue when I brought her up the foreseeable legal consequences for me : she then understood why I refused to follow such advice, no matter what people can spout around. She was proud I stuck to my guns no matter the harsh criticism.
Needless to say, I terminated that pdoc.

[stopchewinggum]

I don't know if this counts. I tend to have a problem with being far to blunt with people. I said something to T. (I don't really remember, but it was one of my inappropriate bluntness slips.) She was upset and said somethings most people would probably be upset by. Anyways, when I went back she said she was sorry, and that was the end of that.