Restricting Myself.

As you all probably know, I have a problem with impulsive behavior. I often look at the self-injury forum and see the posts of the people who have stopped for awhile... they count the number of days that they haven't injured. I see people do similar things when they stop smoking. For me, I never have a desire to stop. And I don't think of consequences. Also, I am the type of person who will stop when she wants to stop. But if I don't want to... I won't. Regardless of knowing that what I'm doing is 'bad.' I have done this with smoking... I know it's horrible, I keep doing it because I want to, then one day I just stop. No counting days, nothing. Just stop.

What is the point of all this? Well, it has to do with my reluctance to call T. I have noticed that I'm counting off the days, and congratulating myself for restricting myself from T. (Technically, this is punishing myself at the same time-- because I won't let myself call him). He told me I could, but instead, each day that I don't, I say, "Ok... you've done it. You got through the day without him. Very good. Now it's only 2 more days until session."

I am aware of what is going on, but I don't have a full grasp yet. All of the destructive things that I do-- SI, eating like sh** when I know full well that it is going to bother my stomach, spending money, driving fast because of the rush that it gives me-- I don't restrict myself from any of these damaging behaviors-- but I am restricting myself from T. He represents something healthy for me. He gave me permission to call. Instead, I count off the days that I can go without him.

It reminds me of how little I will let myself get well before I sabotage myself again. You know, how I was saying that I 'stir up' things and act out, otherwise I feel disconnected.

Any insight on this new restriction?

I guess I'd do a heck of a lot of reframing if it were me :-) It looks like you might get some "satisfaction" in the restriction so it's not exactly/purely a restriction? There's nothing inherently "healthy" about calling a T when they're on vacation or leave or whatever, even if they say you can? For me, it would be healthy to not call.

I don't see anything "wrong" with behaviors we truly, 100% like for ourselves or that are "useful" to us (drinking, smoking, etc.) in some way. I don't feel bad/"wrong" for being overweight, it serve(s/d) some need for me and is how I "chose" to do things. I don't feel choosing is all head stuff where one consciously chooses; in believing that we're like icebergs and most of us is "unconscious" then I also have to believe that a lot of my "choices" are unconscious. As my body without my head/thinking is merely opting to stay alive and survive as best it can then I figure it "knows" something that my conscious self might not. . . like that my genes/background say I probably won't get very sick until I'm in my 60's+ and so when I'm having troubles in my 20's and 30's it's probably better to move things into my body and "hope" that I'll have enough time on the other end/inbetween to figure them out and reverse some of any damage?

Funny how smoking and drinking work, when you do stop, things get much better for your body, kind of like when you exercise (and you can improve with exercise even into old age/at any time as evidenced by what assisted living and nursing homes do in that area) and SI leaves scars but not necessarily other damage once it's "dealt" with and the underlying problems resolved, etc.

So, think 5 years down the road or even 1 year and let me know how good/bad not calling your T "this" time is in the entire scheme of things? I think you're doing well, pinksoil, thinking about all these things, working them like a jigsaw puzzle to see how it all fits for you.

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Perna said:
I guess I'd do a heck of a lot of reframing if it were me :-) It looks like you might get some "satisfaction" in the restriction so it's not exactly/purely a restriction? There's nothing inherently "healthy" about calling a T when they're on vacation or leave or whatever, even if they say you can? For me, it would be healthy to not call.

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He's not even on vacation.... We cut back on sessions because of my school schedule... so he said that in order to help me feel more connected during the week, to give him a call. I can't tell if this is a restriction, a punishment, a reward, I don't know.... But I can definitely see there are some serious connections at work here... I know it is related to my impulsiveness... I find it interesting how I will "do what I want" but suddenly when it comes to calling T, I'm counting off the days that I have made it without. I totally agree with you, Perna, in regards to the unconscious choices. I believe almost every choice we make is either unconscious, or has elements of the unconscious in it. An influence, if you will.

Are you going along with your school schedule okay, doing your work, etc.? (In other words, was it "worth" cutting back for, does that option work?)

I don't think of "impulsive" as being as well thought out as your counting the days/hours you haven't had to call him? Actually, I think of it as kind of the opposite as being about actively working with/trying to curb impulses? It makes me think a bit of a kid in a candy/toy store :-) being told to look but not touch and their trying to understand that and do it successfully. Just because things seem the exact "opposite" of ways we think of ourselves normally behaving, doesn't mean there's a dichotomy set up like it appears? Other things could be happening we're not even aware of, probably "good" if we're not yet aware of them :-)

I would guess that the idea of getting better is threatening to you somehow, and you are resisting. What do you think about that idea? How might you benefit from delaying your recovery? Do you get something out of punishing yourself?

Again, this is a problem that is so familiar to me. My T suggested once that I reward myself for doing healthy things or for not SI-ing for a certain amount of time, etc. I told her that I couldn't do that, and would be more likely to punish myself for the good stuff, and reward myself for SI, restricting food, etc. I don't trust myself to control my own reinforcement program, because I would be likely to reverse it.

What would happen if you allowed yourself to call T as a reward for doing something healthy?

I hope that you will talk to him about what you find yourself doing.

No, I don't think I'm being impulsive in this case... I was just saying that it is quite interesting how with my impulsive behaviors, I cannot make myself cut back, cannot restrict myself, but when it comes to T, I will not let myself call. As far as my schedule... it was the only option available... There are only 2 days/times that work for both of our schedules and now I have to be at school during one of them.... so that only leaves 1x per week. Maybe I'm not calling because I really don't need to? Maybe I am feeling a bit connected? I don't know...

There is something a bit odd about impulsively following an urge to carefully and methodically restrict oneself from something that one wants so badly. I would say that's pretty ironic. An impulse to control oneself?

I saw my T 1x per week but for 2 sessions-worth :-) I liked that much better than 2x per as I could "get going" well and continue before the session ended with more time.

Maybe it's just the change from what you were use to. I remember my T, when I first saw her wanted 2x a week which I'd never heard of (back in the 1970s) and I think near the end she changed it to only 1x a week (hard to remember that far back :-) But this last 9 years, 96-05 we did the 2 sessions at once, 100 minute thing.

You could be "punishing" him, not allowing him to hear your dulcet-toned voice :-) because he didn't have more time available for you when you had time available.

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Perna said:
You could be "punishing" him, not allowing him to hear your dulcet-toned voice :-) because he didn't have more time available for you when you had time available.

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I never thought of it that way. Maybe I am punishing both of us. Last time he told me to call (because he knew I was leaving angry), I didn't. And when I came back a few days later, he seemed surprised that I didn't... He commented on the fact that there was no phone call. I did this to my pdoc, too. I went off my meds (without asking him about it) and then when I saw him, he told me to decide if I was going to go back on, and to call him that night and let him know what my decision was. I called him, but of course it was like a week later.

My problem? I like to play games.

Will look and answer later.... but wanted to say HBD.... Happy Birthday!!

Pink, please don't punish yourself on your birthday! Give yourself a present and have an insightful conversation with your T!

Let me ask you this... If you don't call and he realizes that you almost never take him up on his offer when he says to call, he might not say it in the future. What impact would this have on you?

I see no harm in the occassional call...you might possibly end up going back and forth about this for several sessions.

<tapping fingers waiting to hear if you will call him>

Pinksoil,
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I can't tell if this is a restriction, a punishment, a reward, I don't know.... But I can definitely see there are some serious connections at work here... I know it is related to my impulsivenes

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I think your T has given you an opportunity--to stay connected when you need it--and to get the attention you need without hurting yourself. Go for it, you deserve it. As for the impulsiveness, yes I struggle with that as well. I think it might have something to do with fear of not having our needs met if we don't take care of it imnediately, then nothing will fall through the cracks because we have taken care of business--even if that means SI-ing to release emotion.

Anyway, I'm with Almeda, it's your Birthday--go ahead and give yourself a gift and call!

HB

Sister

pink, I think it's hard to call one's T because it's making oneself vulnerable, showing the T how much you need him. So I think it is difficult to do and not in the same category as self-destructive behaviors like smoking and SI. With those you really just hurt yourself, not make yourself open to hurt from others. I think maybe you are trying to help yourself adjust to the one session per week, and trying to be strong, and so counting the days off helps. I always count the days off to my next session. It helps me mark the passage of time and show progress toward the goal ( the next meeting).

With my former counselor, I really liked to surprise her with my progress during the week. She was always suggesting that I do certain thing between sessions to help myself, and I was very resistant. She would say, "you need to tell a friend about this problem, so you can get some support outside of therapy," and I would say "no way," and then I would tell a friend in the interim and come back next session to "surprise" my counselor that I had done this thing I had sworn I wouldn't. I delighted in that, and it became a pattern we would laugh about together. So maybe you are trying to "surprise" your T that you were able to go a week without calling him, even when you thought you couldn't. Maybe he will be pleased with your progress and his approval will in turn please you.

I have not read the other posts... yet ....but .... once again you fear connecting with your T. You are distancing and are dancing a dance with him on your fear and desire to connect with him. The more you connect the more you will have to deal with what is really going on within you. JMO... Did you have no other option but to take that class at this time? Maybe/maybe not... just ask but this is an opportunity to stay connected... It is your choice to not connect. That is anxiety producing... What if you desired or were able to connect without a crisis..... without a crisis... you can deal with what is really going on that you are camoflaging via one crisis to the next.

Just a thought or two... For what it is worth.