i was all over the place in session yesterday.

i haven't been taking my medication regularly. i admitted to him that the medication has become another thing for me to play around with, and be impuslive with. i take it. i stop taking it. i take less than i should. i increase it. i stop again.

my moods normally cycle quite rapidly. so yesterday i was a bit manic. i'm in his office, and i am having lots of trouble focusing. jumping topics, talking fast. realized that it was also in an attempt to avoid having to feel anything about.... anything. i was very irritable and was yelling at everyone on the road on the way to therapy-- couldn't deal with other drivers. within 2 minutes of the session starting, i informed him that i was pissed of at him. for what, i don't even know. then i was off onto something else...

he was concerned of the irregularity of how i take my meds. he told me... wouldn't it be alright if i could just regulate myself on the meds enough so that i could even out my moods a bit... and allow myself to have some focus. to be able to come in, and really focus on what i want to talk about. he said that he understands that the idea of focusing intently on difficult topics can be scary.

i really liked how he put that. it wasn't a lecture on why it's dangerous to play around with your meds, or why it's important to take them regularly. it was the perfect thing to say. i told him so. towards the end of the session, i told him that he had said something that really struck me; that it was fabulous. he joked, "lemme get my pen and paper so i can write this one down." i told him that what he said about the meds was real good-- that i would even let him use it on other clients if he wanted to, lol.

i told him all about the boundaries. how he needed to set some or else i wouldn't come near them. it's too overwhelming when there are no boundaries. related it to growing up with my mother. everything was a bother. don't want to bother him. he commented that he thought it was a very good insight to reach. begged him to set a boundary. he laughed and said, "fine. you can't call my voicemail after 10." so i said, "10... pm?" and he laughed harder. we both did because we both know they aren't real boundaries. i asked him, "well what are you going to do if i break the boundary and call after 10 pm?" he looked and me and i gave the answer he was probably waiting for.... that i might just have to try it out to see what will happen.

i told him how i wanted to create a crisis so that i'd have a reason to call. he said... wouldn't it be better if you called beforehand to avoid a potential crisis? true. then i asked... but what if there is no impending crisis and i just want to talk with you? he asked if i feel a need to check in. i said yes-- because i have no object constancy. when i sat down on friday, the first thing i said to him was.. "you're still here." he asked... where did you think i would go? i don't know, i said. i just thought you weren't here anymore. he said... don't you think it's okay to leave a short message to ease that disconnection? or you can leave a long message. ahhhhhh, too overwhelming again. i need boundaries. short message, long message, call anytime. too much.

we talked about how much i hate being in the gray area. how i need to live in extremes; black and white. how calling him represents gray to me. i either have to cross boundaries or strictly adhere to boundaries. since there are none, that leaves me in the middle, so i prefer to strictly adhere to the ones i make up.

i told him how taking my meds or "getting better" places me in the gray area. a disconnect. not me. i told him i worry so much because despite all of my ****, i do like myself. i mean, i like my intellect. my creativity. the art that stems from what goes on inside. i told him that if took my meds and evened out, i might become an ameoba. if i got better, i would lose myself. i am so uncomfortable with the idea of gray. t and i have this joke also serves as a powerful analogy for me. i always say to him, "i don't want to watch reality TV." this is my code for, "i am afraid i am going to lose the depth of who i am." i told him on friday that i didn't want to end up watching lots of reality TV. at this point he said.... "i really have to end the session, but i want to tell you.... (and then he did that leaning forward thing, and his voice got all powerful).... that reality TV is not gray." basically, he was saying that if i stabilize on my meds, and i enter more of a 'gray' area, that isn't going to mean that i am going to lose the depth of who i am. he went on to say, "that will never take away from the uniqueness of who you are. if you allow yourself to stabilize, you will be able to focus.... and perhaps you will emerge even more unique than you are now."

at that point, i wanted to jump in his lap. i told him to screw the prior thing about the meds being the best thing he ever said. i told him that this overrides it by a million. that it was the most fabulous thing he ever said to me.

it definitely helped to ease the last part of the session because i was getting really anxious at the separation that was about to take place... the idea that i wouldn't see him again for a whole week.

he said that he wants to talk more about this whole notion of not wanting to get better, not wanted to be "gray" because it's not me. i told him that we have to start out next session by talking about this, no matter what. i told him if he wasn't gonna set any boundaries, then i would have to, lol. as soon as i left the room, i looked at the clock-- he had let me stay for an hour and five minutes.

i miss him.

maybe i'll write something in letter form. maybe that will help me stay connected better than plain journaling. almost like a session. because i wanna tell him stuff. maybe i can read him parts of the letter next week.

my journey.

[Perna]

Oh, wow, for someone who says she's manic/jumping around it sounds like a really really great session! So, have you figured out how you're going to get your TV, er, meds stablized and doing their thing?

{{{pinksoil}}}

[lauren_helene]

I don't think you lost focus. You and he were right on point. Have I told you I love your T

He gets you. He knows that you need to set the boundaries and not him. So, he's giving you what you need on your terms. This is what I think anyway. He doesn't relax boundaries too much, just enough to allow you to be you.

I like that he went over a little. Mine does that every once in a great while but only about 5 minutes.

I also like how you can pretty much show him any emotion you have. I haven't been able to do that. Maybe it is because I feel like the boundaries are too tight. He doesn't give me room to explore emotions. Like right now, I've got plenty of emotions and had a crying fit last night. If I could do that with him, who knows. But we talk about graduation too much and it makes me feel like this should all be ending shortly.

I want to call and try and get in earlier but I feel like I shouldn't do that. It might disappoint him and it will make me feel awful if I can't get in sooner. I'll feel rejected again.

Anyway, great session Pink! Great session!

[MissCharlotte]

Pinksoil,

It sounds like a great session. I so get the boundary thing. It's the same for me in many areas, including dieting. If I don't stick strictly to my weight watchers plan, then I eat too much--period. I can't just say that well, I am going to eat healthy or only eat when I am hungry--too much latitude so i go overboard. Go ahead and write the letter, it has helped me but right now i feel disconnected again. If you get the courage to call and leave a short message, I think that would be wonderful. I'm not there yet either.

Great session after all !

The fear of being better...another scary unknown. I understand that. And he let you know he's going to be there then, too, so it's ok to take your meds and feel better. He'll help you with that as you go; talking about the gray area with him might make it feel familiar and not so worrisome. He is a wonderful T and I'm so glad you have him!

It's interesting what he said about the idea of focusing intently on topics being scary. It is. I wonder if, now that he's acknowledged that, if it might be a bit easier for you from here on.

When you were driving to get there, and getting upset with the other drivers, did you feel like you had to hurry or he might not be there? (when you got there you said "you're still here"). I have similar thoughts.

I love your honesty in there! And his reassurances and his sense of humor!

Oh, gosh .. the end of the hour !!! I hate it. In fact, when I go in I feel like a countdown clock has begun... tick.. tick...tick.. toward the separation. Sometimes that makes it hard to focus. I've started sitting with my back to her clock so I can't see it but I can see my watch, her watch, and I can just 'feel' the time slipping away to the dreaded end. I don't know how to shut that out, deal with it.

You are doing so good, pinksoil ! I'm so glad for you.

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Perna said:
Oh, wow, for someone who says she's manic/jumping around it sounds like a really really great session!

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Well I didn't add the parts in which we were talking and the normal noise of city traffic was taking place downstairs... horns beeping, people yelling, etc... and in mid-sentence, I would stop, glare out the window, get all riled up, and say to T, "They better hope I don't go down there!" I had already told him of my irritable road-rage on the way there, so he said, "Well maybe they should be afraid because apparently there are people laying all over Broad Street!"

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So, have you figured out how you're going to get your TV, er, meds stablized and doing their thing?

{{{pinksoil}}}

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Thanks for speaking my language. I am trying really hard. What T said about the meds really resonated with me. His reassurance was powerful. His understanding, amazing. My unconscious wishes to **** around with my meds? Always there. I did take them last night before bed. I'm trying hard, before each dose, to picture him, and to think about what he said. If I am able to do that, and I take the meds, is that a connection? Have I been able to stay connected, at least in this instance?

[Perna]

I think that's very much a connection and a very good "tool," using your T like that! That's what he's there for.

Echoes, Almeda, Sister-- thanks. Until I read your responses, I didn't even think of this as a "good session." I didn't necessarily think of it as a bad session either. You know what? I guess until I posted it, I hadn't really processed the session at all-- the aftermath of the last three sessions have been very uncharacteristic for me because I have gone out afterwards. I'm not a big 'going out' person, especially not after therapy. And on one hand, I have enjoyed going out because I've had a great time, and it allowed me to not get upset and feel all the horrific feelings I normally do after a session-- but on the other hand.... same thing. I don't like to mask those emotions, I believe they are important. So I guess until know, I haven't thought much about the session.... and even though I am dying at the thought of 5 more days until T.... I don't feel too horrific when I think of the session now.

[MissCharlotte]

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I'm trying hard, before each dose, to picture him, and to think about what he said. If I am able to do that, and I take the meds, is that a connection? Have I been able to stay connected, at least in this instance?

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Yes, I believe it is a connection. I did somethng very similar, imagining my Ts voice, about a month ago when I was struggling with self destructive behavior. It was the only thing that worked at the time. It's great that you could take care of yourself last night.

Ok and this is why I am a ****: Now I'm thinking... ok, I've connected a bit. Great. A connection. Wonderful. Now how can I **** this up?

ALL I DID WAS TAKE THE CORRECT DOSE OF THE MEDICATION ONCE, AND I'M ALREADY TERRIFIED.

I'm terrified that I am going to stabilize and he's going to terminate me.

All I do is wish to stay connected. Now I have found a bit of a connection, and I want to run the other way.

I am also fearful that I am going to lose myself.

How does he put up with me? How?

[SecretGarden]

I think he likes you Pink. You are interesting and you are really percolating. Hang in there. I think you are doing great. Good for you for not going out after session... That makes it last that much longer to experience the residuals and be there with what remains.

[MissCharlotte]

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ALL I DID WAS TAKE THE CORRECT DOSE OF THE MEDICATION ONCE, AND I'M ALREADY TERRIFIED.

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Pink, if I can't quite then you can't diminish your accomplishment! You did do a good job taking care of yourself and that is not easy. It's so f***ing hard to let ourselves take pride in our accomplishments isn't it, but I have no doubt that was an accomplishment!

Oh, and as far as terminating you, why would he do that when he has been telling you to call as often as you want and schedule appointments as much as you need! You two have a good relationship.....

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:

I'm terrified that I am going to stabilize and he's going to terminate me.

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I understand your fear here. I may be over thinking things as usual, but I'm wondering if my T thinks I've stabilized and that is why our conversations drift towards graduation all the time?? Maybe I should start contemplating the thought.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
as soon as i left the room, i looked at the clock-- he had let me stay for an hour and five minutes.

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ding, ding, ding, Frame violation, frame violation! I love it when my T lets me stay late.

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i was all over the place in session yesterday.

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Well, for being all over the place, pinksoil, you sure talked about a lot of important stuff. I think you did good work! Maybe it's not essential to be 100% focused in order to have a good session. At my last session, I was all over the map, which is unusual for me. My T accepted it, and told me it was OK, and I think he even enjoyed it a bit, since I am usually not like that. If I was like that every session, maybe he would long for the more "focused" sunrise. Maybe your T just thinks your therapy sessions would be even more productive with a little bit more focus from you. It is something you can strive for, meds or no meds.

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if you allow yourself to stabilize, you will be able to focus.... and perhaps you will emerge even more unique than you are now

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That truly is a fab thing he said to you, pinksoil. (((hugs))) In my time in therapy, I don't think anything we are doing is actually changing the core of who I am. Rather, it is uncovering who I am. I am not losing my uniqueness or what makes me sunny by becoming more functional and understanding my feelings and from whence they come. I have processed some traumatic memories from the past, but this trauma never really defined "me," so it has not hurt me to let it go.

I think your boundaries discussion is right on. I think you need to learn to be in the gray, and your T knows this and won't give you too many boundaries. It's can be a learning experience for you. Are you up to it?

ECHOES, I never wear a watch in my sessions and I don't look at the clock that T has, which faces away from me. It is up to the therapist to manage the frame, so I leave it completely up to T to worry about when session ends. If he wants to go over, then so be it. He knows best when to end and he is supposed to know how to start bringing the session to closure ahead of time so as to not be too abrupt. I never know when session is due to be over until he ends it. And my T is usually quite graceful about it. I think it's just one of the skills T's develop.

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I'm terrified that I am going to stabilize and he's going to terminate me.

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((((pinksoil)))) I think he reassured you on this last time. Maybe seek additional reassurance at your next session so you can truly believe it when he says it. Maybe he can write it on an index card and you can hang it up at work or carry it in your wallet or something: "You are not going to be terminated if you stabilize."

[Becca07]

(((pinksoil)))

He can't terminate you even if you stabilize, because you'll still need him to keep writing the prescriptions, right?

No, he's my T, not my pdoc. He doesn't write my prescriptions.

Consciously I know he won't terminate me.

My unconscious does not know that.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
Consciously I know he won't terminate me.

My unconscious does not know that.

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That is really interesting to me, pinksoil. Often, for me it is the opposite. My unconscious frequently knows things before my conscious. Or my unconscious is very protective of my conscious and won't let it know or remember things. Or my conscious mind is in total denial of so much. Or something! That's one reason I look in all seriousness to my dreams for guidance, because my unconscious knows what's going on. I have made important decisions based on my dreams and not gone wrong with any of them.

The mind is a fascinating thing.