a letter to my T (talk about transference!)

Dear T,

At this point, midway between sessions I find the need to talk to you. I miss you so much. I am worried about so many things and they become a jumbled mess in my mind fighting for position, or masking myself from appearing. I am so proud that I did not dissociate last session. I felt so grounded when I left your office this week and I wish I felt that way right now. However, the anxiety has returned and I wish I could see you again today. I guess the right thing to do would be to ask myself what I need right now. I certainly don't need to be laying here in bed writing a letter but i should get up and meditate!

This week I sensed that our relationship is deepening and for the first time, felt ok with that. I know that we grow as humans within the context of interpersonal relationships and through sharing of ourselves. It's just soooo hard sometimes to make the connection, and then yet another challenge to sustain it. As you know, I often feel so disconnected from myself and from other people, a little pile of fragments needing a magnet to pull me together.

Well, since this isn't a real session I won't continue but will get up and mediatate and take care of myself somehow so I can take care of my family as well.

Hope you are having a nice day and enjoy the weekend.

Best regards,

Sister

((( sister )))

What a sweet letter to your T! It's so hard missing them. What a wonderful feeling to feel your relationship with your T deepening. It sounds like that's comforting to you and helped you to not dissociate. Good for you for not dissociating ~and~ for feeling proud of yourself!

I have a hard time connecting and staying connected too. It seems fragile to me, as if every encounter is an audition I must pass or fail and that is so hard, exhausting. I don't know how to sustain them. Hopefully I'll learn in therapy.

Sister, Well done for writing that letter. I think the part about needing a magnest to pull all the pieces together, has such a visual effect I will keep that and remember it to help myself in times off framantation!

Thank you!

im deep in the transference too. I had to call my T this week. I just needed to hear his voice to comfort and calm me. He helped me get grounded. He told me I was fragmented too. I'm not sure exactly what that is. Can you explain that to me?

Echoes,

Yes, I can relate to the audition feeling. It's so exhausting isn't it? Why can't we just relax and be ourselves? Maybe because we're not sure who we are......

Thanks for your kind words.

Raceka,

When i say I am fragmented i mean that I feel I have separate pieces of myself and they are not all integrated at the moment so I don't feel "together." I literally feel like I am in pieces strewn all around. My T did not use the word fragmented. He rarely says things like that because he does not like to put words in my mouth. However, if i say something he disagrees with he will challenge me. That's how I move ahead. (His silence is therefore validating at times.)

(((((((((((((((Sister))))))))))))))

I know how difficult transference can be too. Writing a letter is actually a really good idea, and what you wrote above was very well written - you sound like such a sweet person.

I'm happy to hear that you feel your relationship with your T is growing, although i do understand the complications with sustaining those relationships - as well as the anxiety that comes along with it. I guess all you can do is trust the person, and in your case, a T sounds like a very reliable person to do this with.

I hope that you are able to share all of this when you see your T next ..

Take good care,
Jacq

Sister, This is an excellent post. I feel you are doing well ... advancing and connecting. I too would like to talk to my pdoc between sessions.. just to check in and see how I am doing. Sometimes I wonder. I like the magnet idea as well.

At any rate this is a warming letter and I hope you will share it with your T the next session.

Peace.

That is such a sweet letter, sister. Will you share it with your T? I'm sure he would be so happy for you too and feel a bit of a glow inside about the warm things you wrote about him.

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It seems fragile to me, as if every encounter is an audition I must pass or fail and that is so hard, exhausting.

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ECHOES, once, in one of my early sessions with my T, he told me, "you don't need to perform when you come here," and that gave me permission to relax. I have recalled that statement from time to time since, when I am putting too much pressure on myself to "produce" in therapy or to share something difficult when I'm not really ready. T is patient, the pressure to perform is my own creating.

I am able to connect with my T quite a bit, and in the sessions where we do NOT connect or have difficulty, I end up feeling awful afterwards. The failure to connect in session can throw me into depression. I need to learn to be OK with the reality that connection is never 100% of the time, with anyone, even one's beloved T.

I felt a bit scattered/fragmented in my session earlier this week as I am so focused on a big event coming up for me next week and am very excited and apprehensive about it. I just could not settle down in session and be there in the moment with T. I told that to T, apologetically, and he said he was happy to sit there with me in my fragmentation. He said maybe the purpose of my being there with him that day was to be fragmented and unfocused, and it was OK, and he would provide space for me to be that way, because he could tell I needed to be. I felt we were connected, but I was not "together", if that makes sense.

Sunrise,

Thank you. I don't think I have the guts to read this to my T but I may discuss parts of the sentiment in session. We'll see. My T has also told me I didn't have to perform and when i feel blank he says, "just sit with it." What your T said about being there fragmented as the purpose of the session makes total sense to me. He sounds very similar to my T, very accepting of you no matter what state you're in.