im just so sad and confused

im so confused . I walked out of therapy today . because I don't know how to fix things . I am screwing up left and right and I don't know how to stop . she said that I am wasting her time and she is right but I don't know how to fix it and I feel so horrible for being this way .I don't know how to make it all better .and I am so scared she is going to give up on me .I see all the sighs. please don't tell me what a horrible t she is . she is not . I know I deserve this . I wouldn't have stuck with me as long as she has with me . why does she see me so calmly saying I don't hove any idea how to talk to her and that I don't know if I should keep on coming there as a threat .she said I am threatening her . I didn't yell or any thing in fact I was almost crying , I don't know how to talk to her and I was really wondering if it was ok to even still come to see her I felt again like it was not she was at this point radiating distain and even said I was wasting her time and I know that meant no I shouldn't any longer come to see her but I cant stop I am so pathetic . I couldn't even find another T because I burned those bridges when I tried to quit going to her and then went back and had to cancel on these other T . im hurt that she thinks I was threatening her. she said she doesn't want to do this . that whenever I am ashamed I get angry and try to pick a fight with her . that it is a waste of time instead od doing the work .I don't know what the work is and she thinks I do and am refusing . I don't know how to fix thixs . I told her I dot know .she says that I do I do and I left because I fetlt terrified and backed into a corner and unable to fix what I did wrong . I cant talk to her and that is the only thing that will possibly fix anything and I cant do it and she thinks I can so wont help me .im so scared . im going to be this way forever

dunno what to say, but

Did she specifically say "Granite, you are wasting my time" or a more general you are wasting time? I think those are two different things. I don't mind fighting with a therapist and it is my money and so if I want to waste my time and money - it is my problem not hers. If a therapist thinks a client can waste their time - then we would, for me, have a much bigger problem because of how very deeply I believe a client cannot waste a therapist's time because they are paid for their time.

But, to take a stab at another interpretation from she is trying to get rid of you -(this attempt is based on what I have read in those books they write) - she may be saying you pick a fight with her to ward off/reaction to the feeling of shame and that it avoids looking at the shame and where it comes from (mother) and going more into that - which would be The Work ( a phrase I truly despise in relation to therapy). The threaten thing might not be that she was afraid of you because you threatened harm or scared her - but that you threaten to leave or quit when the shame gets so much and you refuse to talk about the shame itself because of how overwhelming it is.
Just a stab at looking at it a different way.

thanks stop . but I just don't know how to talk about the shame . I have no clue and she wont help me at all. and if I am ashamed of something I did (calling her when I thought it was ok and I guess it was not) why open myself up to her humiliating me more.

I am not certain where you are getting the part where it was not okay for you to call her.
Do you know of anything that you think would help you?

No T should ever say "You are wasting my time."
The most she should ever say is, "You might get more out of therapy if ..."

By the way, it is not your job to make it all better between you and T. If you are doing your best (and I think you are), then it is Ts job to make the relationship work.

Granite, you know how I feel about this particular therapist so I won't keep banging away on that topic. If she truly said you are wasting her time, however, and truly refuses to help you talk about the shame, then I think she is the one wasting your time. My T has spent the last two months slowly and carefully helping me talk about the shame. Sitting with me in silence with occasional gentle prompts, or when I was really really stuck, going into monologues about the theory behind trauma treatments and why we need to talk about the trauma and not minimize it. He never has said I am wasting his time when I express that I don't know how to proceed or that I thought it was useless and hopeless. He continues to have hope and a belief that things will get better for me even though I do not right now. If he said I was wasting his time when I could not talk, I cannot even imagine how devastating that would be. My heart goes out to you, Granite.

You're certainly not the first person to walk out on a T. Most Ts should be used to it. And maybe it's something you had to do. It might even be a sign of progress. You're "taking back your power".

No reasonable T would ever terminate you over one walk-out.

Sighing could be evidence of caring, but not knowing what to do in the moment.

Just a possibility to consider.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I know you said you didn't want to hear comments about your T, but I do think there is a chance your T might not be taking the most helpful approach for you. They do get things wrong sometimes, they make mistakes, they fail to connect with clients and miss what they really need to do at times. It may be that she is the right T for you, it may be that she isn't. I wonder if you have really burnt bridges with the other Ts you contacted before - they are probably used to clients cancelling a first session as a first session is hard, they probably would allow you to try again with them. Not that I'm suggesting you do this, I'm just saying that that option is probably there for you - you don't know until you try.

I see it the same as stopdog, that your therapist was saying your statement about not knowing if you should keep coming was a way of threatening to leave, not that you were threatening her personally.

The issue with the craft friend really sent you into a tailspin and you took big risks to ensure your relationship with this therapist would continue in a safe way. Could something about that have made you turn all of this on yourself as punishment? Because that's what it looks like from here.

Do you think that maybe she was pointing out a self destructive pattern?

She has always seemed to be a good, stable therapist for you. Unless she flat out told you that you were wasting her time, one way to look at all of this is that the shame you felt over the craft friend situation is destroying you from the inside. Shame is insidious. Could that be what your therapist wanted you to get at the root of?

Hey Granite,

Sorry you're feeling so confused and scared! I've been there, and it feels horrible!

I'm going to take a stab at what I think might be going on here. I might be wrong, but it's a feeling I have because I can identify with some of it. So here goes. . .

Slowly, you have been opening up to your t more. You have been slowing trusting her more. . .telling her more. . .letting yourself attach more. . .and starting to share some super difficult stuff. While all of this is really good and sign of progress, it also scares the ever-living crap out of you to be this vulnerable with her. So after you've roused up your courage to share something very big with her, you end up getting panicky afterwards. This panic causes you to need some way out, because you are too scared about getting close and trusting her, for fear it doesn't last and you get hurt or rejected. So you (unconsciously) find some reason to get distance from her in order to ease that panic. Maybe you do it by looking for something she said or did that you think proves that she does not really care about you, or that she is about to abandon you. You focus on that as a reason not to let yourself be so vulnerable or open with her. It's easier to stay protected and not let yourself have your t's comfort and support because even though it feels horrible to go without, you are used to it. It's harder to believe that she really cares about you, really wants to help, and has open arms to do it. You can't let yourself believe that because if you believe it and let yourself have it, and then you find out later it wasn't genuine, you don't feel that you will be able to survive.

So that's my take. But I could be totally wrong and just projecting my own insecurities and fears about my t onto you. . .

Everything you do is okay with your t. Nothing we did was okay with our mothers. Its like youre switching back and forth between who she is or represents. Like you cant trust her to be nice. Maybe she is just pointing that out?

Granite,

I forgot to address what your t said about wasting time in therapy. I don't think your t means that you are wasting her time, as in that she doesn't want to be your therapist anymore, or doesn't want you to stay in therapy.

It sounds like she's noticed that when you get up the courage to share something hard or trust her more, then you get scared. So you focus on something else that gives you a reason to distance from her again and avoid that deep work. That is what I think your t means by wasting time. She is just saying that when you get scared and pull back, and find reasons to doubt her, that it's a distraction. It prevent you from continuing that deep and important work that you were doing before you got so panicky and terrified.

I'm not sure if I am explaining things well. . .

Please don't assume your t doesn't want to help you anymore. I've read your posts and she sounds like she really cares about you. Do your best not to shut down. Tell her how you feel. Keep talking. . .

Peaches

I think what would help you GREATLY is what my t suggested to me when I kept misunderstanding and misinterpreting her words and actions. . .

Ask For Clarification.

Example:

"When you said such-and-such, what did you mean?"

"I noticed you did such-and-such because. . ." Am I right?"

"I don't think you want to see me anymore because. . . "

Every time she says or does something that gives you that "Uh-oh!" feeling in your gut, that's a sign that something doesn't feel right, something feels scary of off. That is a sign that you need to stop right then, when you first feel that icky feeling inside, and . . .

Ask for Clarification.

I know that for me, I was terrified to ask for clarification. I was afraid to ask questions for fear that my t would get angry, or that I would hear something that I would not be able to handle, or maybe she would say it's none of my business, or whatever. So I would go away and wonder, stew, and guess what she meant by the things she said and did. And the way I had it figured out was almost always wrong!!! It was not until I started paying attention to that "stomach dropping" feeling, and then talking to my t right then when it happened, that I started to see the real situation, more than just my own internal story that I was telling myself.

"It was not until I started paying attention to that "stomach dropping" feeling, and then talking to my t right then when it happened, that I started to see the real situation, more than just my own internal story that I was telling myself."

Peaches - very well put. It does get easier after you keep doing it.

I would like to give a big thumbs up to Ruh Roh and Peaches, and Stop. I think they all have valid points. Your mind twists things around very easily when you are feeling vulnerable (like when you called her recently). I think you do a ton of mind-reading, and then spiral out from what you imagine your T might be thinking. Its ok that you walked out, just try your hardest to go back.

If you do, can you at least say that you REALLY do not know how to work through the intense shame/fear you feel?

And Granite-if you really can't get through this w her, there are always other T's to try. I doubt you've seen every one possible in your town. My story is nothing like yours, but I stayed w my previous therapist for over 5 years, and probably shouldn't have. I was always, always nervous to go in, and no matter how much I tried, or she tried (to the best of her ability), I could NOT work through my fear of opening up about anything shameful, most of all how I was borderline scared of her those 5 years.

I tried another T for awhile and that fizzled out too. Stayed stuck in the same patterns. I finally gave up on therapy for 2 years, and just recently saw a couple of them again. The first one I met with was ok, nothing special-and just didn't go back. The 2nd one I met w last week. She met w me for an hour and a half, and it FLEW by! She got where I was at really quickly, and afterwards I caught myself smiling. I am meeting her again this weekend, and am feeling positive about it. It was only one session, so I am not holding my breath on this therapist, but already it feels different.

Another part of my problem was that I just wasn't psychologically ready to talk about the stuff I've been avoiding. I'm not so sure I am really ready now either, but maybe that's where you are at? It's ok and not shameful to just not be ready to deal w all of this stuff.

From all the things you posted over the years, I do like your T, but try and really listen to your gut about if it's a right fit. Deep down I knew that maybe my old T wasn't exactly right for me, but I kept going and trying for a long time. It felt like it was ME bc I couldn't talk, and that IS part of the issue (a big part), but maybe another part was that we just didn't connect the right way for me to feel safe enough to be vulnerable l.