How have your T's handled transference over the longer term?

All this is making me not want to go back again when he gets back from holidays.

Aw, don't just go from my situation. Mine is just especially complicated because it's marriage counseling. Hope it goes well for you!

My therapist addressed my fear early on that I was too much and my needs were too much. The "hole that can never be filled" argument. She supported and reassured me, consistently, carefully, not perfectly but with sincerity and professionalism and love. She is my "good enough mother." I call her GEM. I've been in therapy with her now for... about 27 months. The hole is filling, and it's getting much easier to trust she's there for me and not need reassurance so much, to not be so anxious, to soothe myself in a better way than I ever could before, because I've internalized her caring.

When I was a young woman, I did it the way Soccer Mom describes- and... it worked, I got through, but... it wasn't nearly as good or satisfying or wonderful as this experience has been. I've increased my own capacity for all those things we value through her steady presence and ample reassurance. I'm very grateful for the experience and for her in my life.

It's definitely about my needs from childhood! When I first started, my T. asked me what my needs were. I about threw up and thought "need" was a 4 letter word. I didn't need anyone or anything. I was very used to stuffing any emotions down so I wouldn't be affected. My T. once told me it's like someone who has been through a divorce. They had told themselves the entire time that they didn't need X to convince themselves that everything was ok. I think that's what child me did growing up. I wasn't getting affection, connection, attunement so I just told myself after awhile (we think around age 7), that I just don't need them. But, my subconscious held onto it all and it erupted after my mom died.

Keep in mind, I saw my T off and on for 5 years before my mom died and had NO FEELINGS whatsoever! So, this has been a crazy ride but I have learned so much about myself! Keep digging deep and trying to link your feelings to your past especially when they seem out of proportion.

I think it depends on your personality, your past and how well you are functioning in life currently. What may work for me may not work for anyone else.

Thanks for sharing more details! Yesterday, my T and I explored various relationships in my past that could be triggering the paternal transference. It was like a greatest hits of rejection and heartbreak, so lots of tears. T thinks it's not just about my father, but about a bunch of different relationships in my life, including a friend I've had since 6th grade who I had a particular connection to, like we understood each other. We were close friends, and he was there for me during some difficult times (and vice versa). Both had issues with depression. We tried dating a bit and ended up kissing on a few other occasions in high school and after, but each time something happened, he'd basically disappear for a while. He's someone I've always felt a deep love for, and I thought we'd eventually end up together, so it was hard for me when he got married maybe 12 years ago. (We're still friends and get together on occasion--still feel the same connection, and he always hugs me very tightly when he sees me.) It occurred to me that he and MC have basically the same brown eyes that show a certain sadness and soulfulness, and I feel a similar connection when I look at each of them. So there could be something to that. (My H has very blue eyes.) My dad also has brown eyes (as do I), but they're different from MC's.

So it's probably more complicated than just father stuff, but likely stuff going back to childhood and adolescence.

Of course, it also occurs to me that maybe there's more erotic transference in there than I've been thinking lately. Back in March, when MC was reluctant to see me individually a second time, then agreed because I was so upset, he was asking me about what exactly I felt, I think because he was trying to distinguish between more paternal and more romantic feelings. Like did I feel abandoned by him? That would be more paternal. Or did it feel like rejection? That would be more romantic/erotic. And other similar sets of questions. For the most part, I'd ended up answering with "all of the above." And right now it sort of feels that way, too. Ugh, why does this all have to be so confusing and complicated?

OK, I'm just making this its own post instead:

The thing is, my relationship with my H has improved lately, so I don't think it's about a comparison there. It's not ET in the sense of wanting to run off with MC. It's more about just feeling really understood by someone and like we get each other. Yesterday, when I was talking to T about something that MC had said, where he'd assumed he was doing something wrong, she was like "Who does that sound like?" referring to me. And that's come up before, too. I think our brains work similarly (for better or worse!) and we've gone through some of the same type stuff in the past. (Incidentally, because we are so similar, we'd be a complete nightmare as a romantic pairing.) So for me it's like, "This person genuinely understands me!" And I like feeling understood, so I want to be close to that person in some way. Does that make sense? I have no idea if there's some kind of transference term for that...I know there's something for countertransference if a T sees themselves in a patient, but don't know if there's the reverse of that.

I think this is the voodoo and wilyness that stopdog tries to stay away from. For me, i call it teamwork. Its the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down. That you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. These ts are just facilitators to our life changes. Just because you get a good meal at a restaurant, you dont marry the chef. Usually!

I totally get it. I don't want to run off with my T. either as I am happily married. I also find my ET the highest when she is asking me my feelings, connecting with me or talking about difficult subjects. And, I'm never thinking anything sexual - it just happens. She has mentioned it's about the need for closeness, connection, etc. so you are probably right! I told my T. if she said she was going to leave her husband and run off with me, I'd freak out and ask why. So, it's not that - it's just about wanting to be close I guess. It amazes me that my body can react this way when my mind is focused on something she asked me and nothing related. I want to understand more about it but in the past when she explained I'd check out I guess due to fear/embarrassment. Now that I'm better, I need to ask again.

Had our regular session with MC today. A few highlights:

I told him I'd been OK for a couple days after the last session, then started getting upset again, weepy all the time, etc. He seemed genuinely concerned. I said I thought my big issue right now is not knowing *why* his "thoughts evolved," that if I didn't know why something happened, I assumed it was my fault. And that now I also have trouble trusting what he says, because those thoughts could evolve too...

He said that back in March, when he'd said the thing about the door being open for more individual sessions with me, he'd said it without really thinking it through first. And almost immediately after, he realized he shouldn't have offered that. So he changed his mind back then, not as a result of my telling him I loved him a few weeks ago. It made me feel much better to hear that, mainly because he was admitting that he'd made a mistake and it wasn't something I said or did. I guess he hadn't brought up his change of heart earlier because I hadn't asked for another individual session until a few weeks ago.

He also said that in a way, it was like I was "testing" him (like, "Will you still accept me if I do x? What about if I do y?"). Which is something my T had brought up a few weeks ago, how maybe I was doing that. Surprisingly, MC said it was OK if I still kept doing that. I said I thought it would be like the reassurance thing, but he said it was different. We all agreed that I do some of the testing thing with my H, too. MC said that because of stuff from the past, I expect that people will abandon me if I'm open about what I'm feeling. But that I can learn through him and H (and presumably other people in my life) that my expectations are wrong and they won't go anywhere.

Later in the session, I was telling him how in my session with T last week we'd been going over who in my past could have been leading to the transference with MC. I said it was hard because it was like a "Greatest Hits" of people who'd hurt me in some way. MC said he was sorry that enough people had hurt me to make a "Greatest Hits" album. I thanked him for that. Then he was like, "So am I on your Greatest Hits album now?" I said I wasn't sure. H said maybe he'd be on "Volume 2." Then I said that with the transference, it was largely stuff from the past. So maybe he'd be there as a cover song or re-recording of an old song. MC laughed hysterically at that and noted that it was good I could joke about the stuff.

Joking aside, I found it interesting that he wanted to know if he was part of that Greatest Hits list. Maybe he was trying to figure out how much he'd hurt me? Whatever the reason, it did seem like he was acknowledging that he'd hurt me. Which was helpful to me too, along with the explanation. I mean, I wish he'd come out and said, "I'm sorry I caused you pain," but the things he was saying suggested that's what he was feeling.

I just felt much more understood this session compared to the last two. I think he really got how big a deal this is to me and was trying to make it right this time. And it really felt like he cared. I'll just have to see if this feeling can last more than a couple days this time...