ok so i'm not even joking about this one. my t has one of those buzz cuts.. like if he grew his hair out, you know he'd be going kinda bald, so he chooses to just buzz it so that it's not noticeable. so whenever i see someone with the same exact hair, especially if the person has facial hair too.... i have transference issues. i want to jump on them. my %#@&#! neighbor looks like my t.

can things get anymore pathetic at this time??

the bruce willis look. i think that is a great idea, actually. sure beats the old comb over. that being said some people don't really have the face for really short hair so hard to know what to do then. lol.

((((pinksoil))))

[drunksunflower]

There is nothing worse than a man with significant hair loss pretending he still has hair.

I am sorry, it sounds judgemental ... but IMO it's true.

heh.

Actually it looks perfect on him. Or maybe if he had a %#@&#! mullet I'd think that too, just because it's him. No, it's not like a comb over or anything. But the point is, that every time I see a man who resembles him I feel all this transference... towards someone I don't even know.

[drunksunflower]

Yes ... got your point ...

Is it possible you are overanalysing this?

I suppose I don't have a 't' so can't make a valid comment really, but I would find it awfully difficult to have my emotions stirred up by - a stranger's hair.

Don't you have enough going on to keep your brain busy and distracted from stz like that? I certainly do ...

Hmm, let's see...

I only have... a job, an internship, 2 classes, a house to take care of, a husband, 3 parrots, and a poetry workshop.....

But I'm still transferring....

Maybe I need a hobby.

Hey pink,

I was just thinking about this kind of transference today. Sometimes I'll see an old man from behind who has short white hair, long ears, tan scrawny neck, maybe a light blue jacket, maybe a hat... and I will stop short, as if time is suspended and I am seeing my dad. I know logically that my dad has been gone for 11 years, but it happens anyway and I'll have fond feelings for this complete stranger who makes me think of my dad.

It's good that you are aware this is happening with your neighbor so you can understand the feelings that come up when you see your neighbor who looks like your T.

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Hmm, let's see...

I only have... a job, an internship, 2 classes, a house to take care of, a husband, 3 parrots, and a poetry workshop.....

But I'm still transferring....

Maybe I need a hobby.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Maybe ...

I am just saying that it must be difficult to have your emotions stirred up at the sight of a stranger. Especially since some of your posts about your 't' don't seem to be all that positive. I would just find it difficult to be affected in that manner so constantly.

Plus I would feel guilty about releasing that sort of negative energy towards an innocent stranger

I'm not sure what you mean about negative energy. It's not like I tackle the guy. All I'm saying is that I experience transference when I see someone who reminds me of my T. It's something that goes on internally... My posts about my T may include anger towards him... but that only proves that we have a very significant relationship. I am not understanding why you would say that my posts about him are not positive.

I never feel guilty about transference. Whether it is towards my T, towards a stranger, whatever... One thing my T has taught me is that I never have to feel guilty about something that is facillitated by my unconscious.

[lauren_helene]

Pink's posts are not negative. They are part of her healing process. We all post similar comments about our T's...and some of the feelings are more intense for some than others.

Good luck on your internship Pink...I'll be thinking of you

[drunksunflower]

Not feeling guilty about that suggests that you are not taking responsibility for some of your emotions.

I can understand transference towards 't', because that is part of your relationship with him. Hell it's probably what you pay him for. Fair enough.

But a surge of energy towards a complete stranger is ... it upsets things ... I suppose I come from a more holistic POV ... it's like energy stealing and emotional vampirism.

:>

You seem to be judging another person's therapy work and we don't do that here.

Please refrain from posting antagonisit replies.

Thanks dsf.

ECHOES

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
Pink's posts are not negative. They are part of her healing process. We all post similar comments about our T's...and some of the feelings are more intense for some than others.

Good luck on your internship Pink...I'll be thinking of you

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

And if you read a little more carefully, you will possibly understand that I am not referring to her relationship with her 't'.

It is the energy that's being thrown out at other people ... strangers, or near strangers ... that does not sit well with me.

And not having a conscience about it (read: not feeling just a little guilty / responsible) is a bit messed up ... IMO.

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:
You seem to be judging another person's therapy work and we don't do that here.

Please refrain from posting antagonisit replies.

Thanks dsf.

ECHOES

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I am challenging throwing negative energy out in this manner. To me it seems extremely unhealthy and well, not quite kosher.

I have no comment to make on the 't' relationship.

I think you meant 'antagonistic'.

deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths everybody.

i don't think anybody is meaning to judge or stabotage the thread.

i wasn't sure what pink meant by 'jump'.

you mean like jump on screaming and kicking
or you mean like jumping their bones

???

i think the buzz cut thing is kinda sexy actually so i have some sympathy with the latter lol. but then i haven't gotten any in a while

:-(

[drunksunflower]

Yea, I also forgot that debate and discussion is generally discouraged

It certainly depends on your personal beliefs in a more holistic sense Sometimes I really have to remind myself that it's 'each to their own' :>

[withit]

Um....I'm having some transference issues right now...guess I will go discuss with my t...

are you in therapy, drunksunflower?

when people are doing long(ish) term psychodynamically oriented psychotherapy people tend to regress / develop transference.

it can be a fairly scary thing to experience. basically... ones therapist starts to become about as important to one as ones parent/s were when one was a kid. all the painful things we experienced as a kid (feeling abandoned, feeling neglected, feeling let down etc) come up as feelings for ones therapist. feeling those feelings as an adult allows us to process them as an adult so we are more aware of patterns of inter-relating in our current lives. so we become more aware of what assumptions and schemas we are bringing to our present relationships and so we become aware of alternative ways of interrelating so as to break out of those past patterns.

it can be a really scary experience to feel vulnerable. to feel like one depends on and needs ones therapist. to feel panic and terror that ones therapist will leave or that if they get to know us they will reject us or need for us to be otherwise than what we are. it is a considerable emotional risk.

sometimes angry feelings come up too. especially if we were never able to express them as children (or our parents would threaten us with loss of love / abandonment).

i'm just saying that when these feelings come up people often feel quite mortified with themself for feeling that way.

and when they share that they feel that way with other people they often feel quite mortified if the person seems less than sympathetic for how they are feeling. people tend to be (hell, i know for a fact that i am) very vulnerable indeed when i express my feelings for my therapist.

i probably wouldn't look twice if i saw him on the street or if i met in in a different setting. but he is my therapist. he is my father / mother / anyone who has ever been emotionally important to me. and... its not particularly rational... but feeling those feelings... is part of the process of working through.

structural changes to the personality.

but the working through takes time.

[drunksunflower]

All I am saying is that morally and spiritually I have an issue with putting the transference energy onto someone who is essentially nothing to do with you.

Your 't'? Sure. Someone you may have a reason to associate with something (e.g. from interactions)? Okay. Someone with little or no relationship to you or your issues? I find that wrong.

You can't unbalance the universe like that without it unbalancing you ...

everybody engages in transference: whether they are aware of it or not. whether they like it or not.

our early relationships with our parents are formative with respect to the patterns of inter-relating that we have throughout the rest of our lifespan. that relationship with our parents has a significant role to play with respect to:

- what kinds of people we seek as friends
- what kinds of people we seek as lovers

we are often attracted to people who either remind us of the positive qualities of our parents or who seem to fit in well with our patterns of inter-relating. someone who is willing to play a complimentary role.

most people go through life without being terribly reflective about this. some people find that their patterns of inter-relating are destructive and / or cause them pain and so they try and gain some understanding of what they are contributing to this process.

__________________________________

if you see transference as morally and spiritually problematic then you are less likely to be able to be aware of the patterns of inter-relating that are aparent in your life. it can indeed be incredibly painful to become aware of something that one finds to be both morally and spiritually problematic.

i feel... shame. guilt. fear. disgust. i feel that way about myself when i'm aware of my transference and patterns of inter-relating. well... sometimes i feel that way so i hear what you are saying.

trouble is that viewing it that way means i'll just repress the awareness of what i'm doing which means i won't be able to work through the transference and have different ways of interrelating available to me.

so... while it is hard... the notion is that transference responses are involountary. they just happen. while we can control how we behave we can't always control how we feel. not judging ourself for the feelings we are having can mean that we can become more aware of our feelings, however. it is a bit of a process huh...

Pink, I have the same sort of transferrence thoughts as you. My t always wears teh same coloured trousers so I look for them on othrs to soothe myself. Plus T has grey hair and mine is starting to go grey and that comforts me also. Its all about the idolising stage I think. I certainly do not have any problem with any of my actions or thoughts. I get my soothing from wherever it feels right to me at any given stage. I also want to get the colour trousers my T wears and I want to wear them to remind myeslf of her. Dont' see any of this as a problem for anybody else, its really none of anyone elses business how i live my life and grow in it, unless they're looking to ofload their own discomforts with who they are onto others!

my t is nice and tall. i'm pretty tall and typically have had eastern p-docs who were shorter and more lightly built than me so its nice to have an aussie p-doc who is taller than me. i think it's easier to idealise when you have to look up at 'em a little :-)

he has great hands too. i won't tell you the erotic transference i've had over his hands lol. probly have said already lol. but anyway... his hands are great. and there is something about the nape of the neck... not that i've really seen his or anything... but something. i dunno.

nobody looks like my t. or not that i've noticed anyway. i get scared i'll see him in public sometimes. or even worse i'm scared i'll see him in public with his family. ewwwwwwwwww that would not be nice :-(

the erotic transference thing is hard for me. NEVER going to talk about that in ONE MILLION YEARS lol.

part of it is about... my wishing i was a little kid... 'cause i feel like a little kid a lot. emotionally vulnerable. needing to be comforted and loved. i wish i was small enough to curl up on his lap and put my arms around his neck and just have him hold me and rock me and murmer to me and soothe me.

then... something weird happens... and i think if i could comfort him in some way then... he might not leave me. he might love me and he might want to see me and not want to leave me. and so i think about comforting him and stuff... playing with his hands and the nape of his neck...

and of course it all goes downhill from there.

:-/

i spect i'll hafta talk about this one day.

argh.

[drunksunflower]

I don't buy it

I am very conscious of energy transference ... 'stealing energy' ... it is part of my belief system.

The way PS describes her experience is to me, morally wrong.

I think it is selfish to not own that sort of emotion, especially when it is impacting on someone else. And whether you like it or not, energy does.

It doesn't surprise me really ... it's creating conflict for yourself at the end of the day.

Me, I prefer to give good energy and thus, I receive it

Good luck to you all in achieving balance

[drunksunflower]

Oops that is not directed at you alexandra.

I suppose my space is different to most ppl's here in terms of this sort of thing ... I have been taught principles that are incongruent with the 'transference' onto strangers here.

Oh well. Again, good luck

you can feel something is morally wrong all by yourself, without putting someone else down with judgement... which happens to be an example of morally wrong behavior itself.

pinksoil is, on this day, about to begin a new an important part of her life and her profession and she posted about being nervous about that and deserves our support.

adding "imo" to a judgement or put-down doesn't erase the sting from it or make it okay.

let's be supportive as we discuss and not pathologically judgemental, k?