Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Thank you for your reassurance when u actually got brave enough to tell you I miss you.

You left me a ________MESS! All because you wanted the chance to flirt with HER. You don't deserve to be a counselor to anyone. You and she are both BULLIES.

YOU had NO RIGHT giving her my personal information. You don't OWN MY personal information!! If I knew you were going to call her I never would have started up with you from day 1.

How many other lives have you ruined?? How many others will you ruin??

I am not forgetting. Count on it!!

Dear T,

The inconsistency with the number of weeks inbetween our sessions isn't helping.

We're supposed to see each other fortnightly, but this hasn't been consistent for a few months now.

Thank you for making it easier for me. You don't have to do those things, but you do them just so that I would feel better. Thank you!

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The urge to cut is driving me insane. these pools of emotions that are inside me. i cant control. i can not make any sense. i am so angry right now... part of it is because of you...u havent replied to my email...why? i feel so rejected...a burden...like u dont care...u just have to acknowledge that u got the email thats it..but its all ****ing games with everyone..mind games that i cant figure out...i know u read my email...u r just like everyone else...!!!!!u r no ****ign different...cant u just be...genuine...
i am hating myself right now...i am hating God rightnow..cuz i am still freakin alive...
i am dying right now...this pain i can not stand...this hopeless does not leave me..i literally carry this pain with me everywhere...i physcailly feel it...it makes me sick !
i am reminded again and again..that i am not wanted here..by everyone around me...i am out of place...i am wrong...wrong...wrong....all so wrong...i can not make it right...i am trying...and i feel today even you have just ignored me...why?
trust me i have enough ppl to do that for me..to ignore me..to mock me..to putme in my place..

You frustrated the heck out of me today.

Thank you for putting up with me. I know you said I am doing the right things by calling and emailing you but it just all feels so wrong. I know you and pdoc really want me in the hospital. I am getting closer so agreeing. I am not totally there just yet. Maybe Friday like we talked about will be the day. I see pdoc Thursday so I will talk to him about it too. It is just hard because the hospital you want me to go to is so far away and my wife won't really be able to visit.

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Dear MC,
I hope it wasn't weird that I brought up that feeling unconditional love from you and T thing today. I couldn't look at you when I said it. I was scared you'd have the same negative look that T did. I'm not sure how much sense the e-mail I sent you afterward made. I just didn't want you thinking I had some delusion that you love me. I said I didn't expect it, no matter what I feel or experience (you know how I feel about you). What I didn't say is how much I wish you did feel that way. I don't mean romantically, just in a platonic way. Like the paternal thing. It's wonderful that you actually said last session that you care about me. But part of me wants to know that you care about and love me at least a fraction of how much I care about and love you. That I'm not imagining what I see in your eyes and hear in your voice...

T,

gonna see you tomorrow ..dont know if feel like it

me

I know you saw it. Thank you for not asking about it.

Are you intrigued by espionage? Is that what kind of game you like to play? I mean you had some hutzpah to start up with me with those accusations. Lucky for me I have wonderful people who know me and would never give any credence to your gibberish. Too bad you can't say the same if the tables were turned. Wouldn't that be something if I falsely accused you???

Im excited to see you this week. Ive missed you.

I'm not sure that I fully understand what you wanted me to do for "homework". I have tried but I feel like I have missed the point completely. Hopefully you can explain again when I see you.

Do you like the drama created by falsely accusing a client of something? Does that just pose a challenge for you to "get out of"? If you get away with the plot you've somehow succeeded? Is counseling that bad you have to resort to this?

Once again it's 3 am and I can't sleep, so I'm whiling away the dark hours fantasizing about you. The scenarios between us that I'm dreaming up right now would shock you -- or then again, maybe they wouldn't.

It's funny when you don't know who you can trust. I want to ask the "board" how it FEELS when one of their own betrays them? Will I tell who it is?
Do you think it's right to give up your source?

Or, maybe I'm just psychic instead of psycho?

Tell me T, what do YOU THINK?

Sizzling, I'm wondering if you're currently seeking any therapy to help you through this? I'm hearing a lot of sadness and hurt in your posts, and I'm wondering how you can move forward from this therapist's unethical behaviour? Because it seems to me you are stuck in a cycle of anger and loss.
I know it would be hard for you to trust a mental health professional again, but there are a lot of ethical therapists out there who could help you move forward in a healthier way and eventually put what happened behind you.

It is amazing the things you learn once you uncoil yourself from all that self-reproach. Thanks for that.

When you asked if we were back to fortnightly or seeing you again next week, I said back to fortnightly and you asked if that was ok. I said that was okay. I wish I could see you every week, but I'm scared I'll get too dependent on you.

Dear T,

I will be leaving soon for our session. And I am very anxious.

Today's session was rather helpful it helps me to see when I didn't see. I want to thank you for that. & I want to thank you for the opportunity to work with two therapists at the same time because that has really made all the difference.

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I guess tomorrow I should just bite the bullet and let you call the hospital. I was really hoping to make it until next week but things are getting hard. I was hoping to still see pdoc on Thursday but I don't think that is going to happen. Or I could try to wait until Thursday and let him make the phone call. I guess we will see what my mood is when I see you.

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You seemed really distant today for most of the hour. It worried me.

I am thankful that we have the relationship where I can tell you anything I want to post here that I am scared to really tell you and I know that when I get up the nerve to do so you will support me, walk me through it, really listen, and follow up. When I grow up I want to be like you.

I wish you wouldn't spring things on me at the end of session. I swear you leave them until then because you're avoiding them because you know they will be hard. Well, it was hard, but you will get your way.