Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear G, once every 2 weeks is not enough. I feel so empty. I wasn't able to communicate to you how that fight with my mom drained me. I have nothing in me to give. I'm operating on a deficit. I know I need to establish life-giving relationships, and I know you have been trying to encourage me to do that, but I don't know how. I feel so broken and empty. How do I establish mutual friendships when there is nothing left in me to give? And where can I go to meet people who are safe? Church doesn't feel like a safe place anymore and I am so much older than most of the students at uni. How do I meet people I can share my heart with? How do I trust again after so much betrayal?

Dear G, I really needed that hug yesterday. Thank you for adapting the way you hug me so that even with my shoulder injury it could be a firm, comfy hug. I wish I could hug you every day. There is something about hugging someone you know you can trust that is so comforting. I, like Henri Nouwen, the one Catholic priest and writer I respect, have this massive longing for my body to be held in a non-sexual way.

I've been in pain and on the verge of tears for almost a week now. I know you're not leaving yet, but you are and I am devastated. I don't want to see you on Monday, and I don't want you to touch me or look at me. Don't make it harder than it already is. I know you'll tell me you're coming back, and I can call if I need anything but that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe I'll cancel.

Dear most recent T,(still have to submit, yet another form),

You'd once said for me to listen to my gut. It's usually telling me something.

I'm in need of exploring the gravitational pull and laws of attraction. And why do I sometimes pull in, what seems cutesy on the surface, but with that underlying, eh, I dunno underneath the surface?
I don't use the rbf as that can cause as many problems as the pleasant and polite. Guard up, but not a brick wall. Then I gather info and then ponder and decide. (Hopefully my friend ignores this if lingering...no threat, no más)

Something brought out conversational chit chat from a colleague, whom then said she didn't know him from a hole in the wall but couldn't stop with the questions. (Score one for her) Was nice to be considerate in parking location. But one wrong part of the same route, dunno.

Along with a particular retweet during the debate as far as another, dunno

It's nice to be sweet on someone, but actions do speak loudly. I did happen to wear a certain pair of dress pants that have a certain effect, by virtue of my boss recognizing that all these clothing stipends aren't taken lightly. Which back to (), 'tis also nice to not be objectified and 'tis nice to know how the other spends and 'tis nice to just stop with façades and reach that point of vulnerability where honesty takes over with trust. Granted there's one aspect to this that was tough in therapy, the distance. I wanted to revisit parts of that discussion, because there's a difference in 'the pattern.'

Me

My dear t: thank you so much for today. The conversation may have seemed all over the place and disconnected but it wasn't not really.... it was such a healing conversation for me.

Dear G, I love you so much and I am so grateful for you. I wish there was a way for me to fully express my gratitude to you. I wish I could tell you that I love you. No matter what I tell you, you don't abandon me or put up barriers. You really do mean it when you tell me nothing I could say will make you abandon me. I wasn't sure if I could trust that, if I could trust you with EVERYTHING, but I can. You are SAFE. I am SAFE with you. I can be myself with you; I can be totally honest with you about who I am and you don't judge me or get weirded out by me. That is worth more than any amount of money.

***********
I wish you never called her and told her anything. I wish these last few years never happened as I've never felt so bad for so long in all my life. Do you wish it too?

I really need you, right now.

Not for a hug.

Not in a sexual sense.

Not even as a friend.

I need you as my T.

I've been hit with a bombshell and the only two things I can think about are taking a slice out of my arm for some relief, or putting my head on your shoulder and getting to talk this through with someone who only has my best interest at heart.......

......guess it's plan A then.

I hate starting our conversations. Can you please ask me a question and put me out of my misery? Also, sometimes I smile when I feel awkward or upset, why does this happen and how can I stop it?

Dear T

I'm so nervous to see you. It's has been such a long time since I last saw you and that makes it even harder to go see you. I just don't want to talk. There didn't really happen a lot this past month. I have been feeling very bad, but that just is because life sucks. Ans I'm afraid to tell you that I'm doing worse than 4 weeks ago.
Well, I think I should get ready to go to you.

I want to ask so many questions about yourself, but you have so many boundaries that I'm always afraid to ask anything. I want to ask you again whether or not you've had an eating disorder in the past since you specialize in eating disorders...and I don't understand why you won't answer my question.

Also, I have been seeing you for a year now and I want to tell you that I feel some transference between us. Sometimes I feel like you're my mom...

Please stop shaming me. Thanks.

Dear T

Today we were talking about therapy and that I still have trouble believing that it can get better for me and some other things. You said/asked me that I do want to get better. That what I want most is to have a good life. Right? I said yes or I think so. But what really went through my mind was
But I was too afraid to say this to you. I think that I am so thoroughly convinced that I'm a failure, worthless and that I can't get better, that this will be my only option to stop feeling so bad.

You also said that life itself isn't fun, but that you have to make it fun yourself. And that for most people life isn't automatically fun, but that every one has to put effort to make their life ''fun''. I didn't like you saying this. It makes me feel like it's all my fault. And btw; some people have it a lot easier than others. For some people it's way easier to live a ''good'' life than it is for others. I didn't choose to be like this. I know I made mistakes, I know I waited too long to get help for this depression. But all my problems started when I was a child. I didn't get good help and know it's so hard to get out of this mess. Over the years I became more and more convinced that I'm worthless and that everything it pointless. It's so hard to change that. If you could be in my shoes for a day and feel what I feel and think what I think, then you would understand it better. You understand a lot, but if you haven't felt like this, you don't really know how it is.

Oh, and you were late again, T. About 5 minutes late. Maybe 5 minutes doesn't sound like it's a lot and that it's bad and that I shouldn't whine. But late is late. I'm always on time. You had lunchtime before my session, so why couldn't you be one time? Though I don't like it, it's not as bad as when you're late because of the client before me. That I really hate. We did went about 6 minutes over time, so that's ok. You never do that with me when there's a client after me. I don't know if that person who was sitting in the waiting room was for you, if she was then you could start on time with her. And not start late, like you did a few times with me because you let the client before me stay longer then 5 minutes after their end time.
So think it's probably better to have my sessions after your lunchtime, then at least you can't start late with me because of another client.

This is the part where I put space between us, not because I want to, but because I don't know how no to. I wish you'd stay.

T, I wrote another one of those letters to her, as you advised. Broke down afterward. All the things I'd like to tell her. All the hurt she caused me over all those years. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. She's on cloud ****ing nine now. She got everything she wanted. She's happy. BECAUSE OF HER I HAVE TO SEE YOU! BECAUSE OF HER I HAVE TO DRINK TO SHUT IT ALL DOWN! I OUGHT TO MAKE HER PAY YOUR ****ING BILL EACH WEEK! WAS IT ALL A LIE? IS ANYTHING I FEEL FOR YOU A LIE? WHY THE **** DO I KEEP ON DAY AFTER DAY???

dear t: i am still feeling the healing effects of our conversation yesterday. how can such an all-over-the-map discussion have so much healing wrapped up inside it? That was just amazing, t. And at the end there on the way out the door, when we stopped at your himalayan salt lamp and you picked up a couple pieces of the salt and put them in my hands... and I held them for a moment and then handed them back to you.... that lent to the healing as well. I have already forgotten the word you used about the way the space between us felt yesterday but more than ever before it truly felt like sacred space. That wasn't the exact word but it's as close as I can come. Something.... I don't know. It was very special and meaningful just before I left. Intense, but in a good way.

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I want to know what made you think you could trust her with my personal information that I never told a soul except YOU?? I want to know WHY you did this to me?? I can NEVER GET BACK MY PRIVACY!! YOU AND SHE EMBARRASSED ME TO NO END AND SHE DOESN'T GIVE A HOOT!!

Apparently, NEITHER DO YOU!! How could you be so shallow to think that because she's pretty, that she is "normal" and I am not?? I am a piece of _____ and she is the great one?? I don't know how you could do this to me??

You took away the little dignity I had and there is nothing left.

You emailed me back when I said you need not respond?!?! How awesome is that?!?!
Thank you!!! You rock, T! Just...WOW!!!

I'm stressed today. And alone. I wish I could talk to you today. Sometimes I feel really rather trapped.

I miss you. For some reason I realize it's comforting to know you're in the same state as me. Now that I'm traveling more, I miss you. You seem so far away. I know you're there by phone but it's not the same, it seems so different when I'm only 15 miles away from you instead of 1500.

You made a mistake choosing her over me. A big mistake. It was YOUR CHOICE so you live with it. You will also live with the fact of what you did to me and how you both acted like juvenile bullies.

Dear university therapist,

It has been six days since you sent me an empty email, and six days since I sent you a text asking if you meant to do that, and also could you confirm my time slot for the upcoming semester because the funding people were asking. Six days.

Did I do something wrong? Are you ignoring me? Or did you just forget about me entirely?

I never wanted to become this needy idiot. I never wanted to be someone who checks her emails every 30 minutes or so just to see if you've written. It's driving me insane. I don't think I can put into words how much I hate being this person. I hate it.

I don't want to reach out to you again, because I don't want you to ever suspect that I am this needy and pathetic. I refuse to let that happen. But every time I get a new text or email and it's not from you, I want to cry.

I don't know how you could screw me over behind my back and face me every week. What kind of therapist does that? I'm afraid you're a very sick man.

It's hard to admit with all the bad that went down between us, there were two good things you did for me. It doesn't excuse the bad, but I didn't forget it either.