Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear MC,
I know you think H and I are doing much better--and we are. But that doesn't mean I don't still need you. I suspect you realize that the main reason H and I still see you weekly isn't so much for us (H&I) but for me--because of what I get from you. H is OK with that--he's told me multiple times. I know that maybe technically I'm breaking the rules in some way if I'm using our marriage counseling mostly to help myself (though helping myself ultimately helps our marriage). If I could just switch to you as my individual T, I'd do it in a heartbeat (though would feel bad for leaving my T). But I'm not sure if you'd allow that or not.

So for now, can we just keep pretending that it's mostly marriage counseling, when really it's probably like 85% me and 15% marriage? And even if sometimes we spend 15 minutes talking about fantasy football, like we did today? Because I value any time I spend with you. Just being around you and looking into your deep brown eyes--especially when you take your glasses off for a while, like you did today--makes me feel more understood as a person and less alone in the world. I don't want that to go away...

I just want it to be Wednesday at 2:00 already, so I can read you my letter and get it over with. Except for when I've been walking by the river, this is all I've been thinking about for the past 2 weeks and it's making me feel FREAKING CRAZY. I hate that I obsess and ruminate like this. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Sometimes I just want to take something to make my mind SHUT THE HELL UP!

Dear uni therapist/mentor,

I know this is completely irrational, but I feel like I've let you down by not being able to finish my degree this time, either, despite having had your help since the beginning of February. I really did not want to end up here again. I feel so bad.

You tried, but I still failed. I always fail. I'm so sorry.

I had a sex dream about my ex-T the other night and I want to process it with you but I'm too embarrassed to tell you about it because she is a woman and I am a woman but I am not gay.

Dear Pdoc

This afternoon. I want to see you. I don't want to see you. I want to talk to you. I don't want to tell anything to you. I want to ignore you. I want to yell at you. I want to smile at you.
I'm such a confusing mess. I don't really know what I want. I mean, I know what I desire, I know what's probably better for me, I know what I feel... This is all in disagreement with eachother.
So much anxiety. My heart is beating so fast. It already started yesterday. I can't get my heart to calm down. My mind is sort of calm, but my body...
I wish I could talk to you. But everything that comes out of my mouth sounds so stupid and makes me feel like I'm a dumb, whining idiot.

i can not believe the things i admitted to in last session.

I would have never acknowledged such things.

u kept ur cool...i know it must have been difficult . u didnt get mad..neither did u judge. u didnt make any faces...u didnt change ur tone...wow..u stayed YOU ! amazing !!! how did u do it?

i wanted to say so much...clearly...in simple words...this is how i see things ....this is what things mean to me...but i didnt...i kept my lips tightly shut...trying to be as vague as possible..and not sound too "bad" .
I am scared of saying too much...and u knowing it all too well.

dear T

is my magical thinking a delusion? i know that its weird and bizarre... so what does that mean? you told me to read this chapter in that book and its about intervening with delusions. i am curious about if what i am doing is delusional. you said this is the first time i have been willing to work on it since we've worked together. which has been 5 yrs now. you said it was too threatening. i said it felt impossible. i think its both. to give up the control i think i have on reality. but yet i know too that i dont have control and this thing is wreaking havoc on me emotionally and mentally. sooo i am ready to let go. but it seems like a long process... i am trying i really am. i DO want to stop. really. i guess i just want an easy, fast fix!!!

me

Dear pdoc

Since yesterday I was so anxious about today. My heart beat couldn't calm down. I felt so anxious in the waiting room. I felt like I couldn't handle it. And then you came to get me. And you said hi and smiled. And most of the anxious feelings went away. I still felt nervous, but not as much as I was feeling since yesterday. Weird. I didn't expect that. I wanted to make more eye contact. I know last time I almost didn't look at you. Most of our appoinments I don't really look at you. So today I wanted to try it. And it wasn't as scary as I thought. It wasn't as hard as the other times. Maybe because I told you my feelings and you didn't reject me. And then today you acted normal at me. You were nice and didn't seem to find me weird. I thought you would find me disgusting for having feelings for you. But you were so nice. Maybe that's why I felt a little bit less anxious. I told you something that's so hard for me and you didn't reject me.

I feel like I'm like high or something. You made me feel so good. And you didn't even try. You're just you. So nice and kind. And I like your smile so much. I so wanted to hug you. You give me such a nice feeling.
But then I get sad, because I can't be with you. And our appoinments are so short, because you're only my psychiatrist. And now I have to wait 8 weeks to see you again.
I hope my body and my heart now know that there's nothing to be anxious about. So no fast heart beating the next time.

I want you to save me......from myself.

Thank you for asking me if I was ok during our last session. I was not ok but didn't want to say that. I feel so loved and cared for when you asked me "Are you ok"?

I love you.

I just realized that I can't afford to stay. I'm so stressed and depressed. The day started off bad and has gone downhill from there. Actually, it's been horrible since the weekend. I sent you an email about that, but I guess I wasn't supposed to. Great -- now I'm crying. I'm so tired.

omg w/in omg

Please don't hate me tomorrow when I tell you about my romantic feelings for you.

T,

like someone said in here before i basically tell you everything i write in here...not everything but most all of it. i think thats a good thing

me

I will see you again and I'm both excited and really worried about it. I realize I miss you but I'm wondering if seeing you once now will do me more harm than good after I was starting to be a little bit more stable after such a long break.. and before a presumably looonger break. I'm scared because it was so hard to get to this point and now this might screw everything up. And yes I'm more relaxed due to meds and I know you won't like it. I couldn't make it on my own this time. Please don't be disappointed, it's been so hard and it still is.

You were such a fool to start up with her. You had no business telling her about my private life. You just had to impress the pretty lady didn't you? You just had to get her in your office to brag to your friends to come see my pretty new client!! You were all excited about playing us off of one another weren't you??? You thought you had it all figured out how you would get away with breaking confidentiality. You did this all for your own entertainment at the expense of MY LIFE. Were you so bored?? What are you 15?? Or are you 60?? Think about it hard. You're a fool.

Darling T,

Last session I wanted to climb onto the floor and put my head in your lap and cry. I fought the urge. It was tough. I still think about those feelings and how I felt.

Does it bother you? Do I frustrate you with the thousand times I tell you that I think you're annoyed or upset at me? You always reassure me that you aren't but after so many times of someone telling you how they think you feel, it would get old. Yet, I keep asking. I keep doubting. I know you are though I just can't feel it. Why can't I feel it?

You said you kept me on as a client. Does that mean you were thinking about getting rid of me? I'm reading too much into things. I hate my mind. I don't understand it. Do you really want to pass me along but due to ethics you can't terminate me because you know it would be a disaster for me and you are a stickler for your ethics (thank you for that by the way) or do you really care and want me to know that no matter how much work I see myself as you will be there, you have chosen to stay with me.

Remember how I said I share everything I write here with you? I'm not sharing any of this.

I can't.

I miss you.

BW,

~EM

PS: I saw you wipe away tears last session. You did it discreetly. You did it quietly. I saw it.

Dear T,

I'm thinking about you again today. I hope your second surgery goes well.
If you don't feel up to coming to our next appointment, please cancel. It's ok!

Please take care of yourself.

One hour and 55 minutes until our appointment. One hour and 15 minutes until I have to leave. So, so, so anxious and nervous.

I wish you the best today! You are in my thoughts.

Darling T,

I just shared all of this with you. Now I have to wait an agonizing 25 hours for a response, or a non-response, or who knows. Why do I do this to myself?

EM

Thinking about terminating. Appointments are great, for the most part. It's the in-between times when the stuff is hitting the fan and I need reassuring that is the problem. Last night I had a bit of an epiphany. I expect too much from you. My bad. IDK how to fix it. And now GA is sick again and I'm alone and afraid and you add it on to the way things have been since the weekend, and I'm really spiraling. And I'm so tired.

t,

DID YOU LIKE MY PIC OF THAT BUTTERFLY I TEXTED YOU!?..... i was joking when i said it was the universe. i hope u know that.... lol

me