Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I'm SUCH an IDIOT!!!!!!!!!! This is a problem and it's getting to me enough that I want death tonight. How could I be so STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! I have to disengage from this behavior.... but how?? I honestly don't know how to even block the websites on my phone but I need too.

So I ask one thing, help tonight... I'm so close to calling the crisis number just to talk to someone about this. I feel like ****!!! and I don't care about language anymore. WHAT is wrong with me!!!!

(t, I just replayed our phone call from earlier in my head. omg I am SO embarrassed. I sounded like a damn lovesick teenager. Blergh. Please forgive me.)

**** it, **** it, **** it, god damn it, **** all of it.

I don't think you are really suppose to reply to people in here since it's for your T's, but just wanted to say... ugh, I know, and I get it but I have nothing useful to say since I'm in the same boat. Which I guess means you're not alone, but I know that doesn't help all that much in the long run.

No, it helps. Thank you.

Dear T, sorry I got so angry at you last time. I was frustrated that you weren't seeing what was really bothering me. When I finally said that 98% of what was bothering me was the trauma stuff I wrote you finally clued in to it. You said you'll read it and want me to keep writing but I know you're going to bring up at least one thing in there next time I see you - the fact that I probably still have an eating disorder. I know you won't let that one slide especially because you probably already knew for months. Please be gentle on me with that. I wish I could see you tomorrow to go through this and have the weekend to recover

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Thank you for everything you've given me and I'm really, really sorry about those no-shows.

t, i tossed and turned half the night and now i'm awake an hour before i need to be i can't sleep for worrying about this stupid money thing again, you mentioned your current rate yesterday and it's gone up, i'm supposed to be paying half for my half-sessions but now i know i'm not, i'm paying a little less than half your current rate, and i feel guilty, why you didn't say anything, i'm so scared of this subject i hate money so much it's what caused the one rupture we had it's been a long time ago but this has made it all fresh again and i'm afraid you're mad but just haven't said anything god i hate money i am scared that we're going to have another rupture because of this what happened to the security i felt in our therapeutic relationship???? gah!! when did your rate go up?! we need to discuss this and won't be talking for 2 weeks now. ugh, ugh, curse words, ugh, blah. don't hate me. i'm sorry.

When I get like this I have no words. I hate having no words - it means it's all trapped inside. I'd email, if I could. Maybe.
I'll be alright next week. It's not working this week that made it worse. I'm better when I'm busy... And of course the let-down after holding it in all summer...
Well, being in a bad place is not always a bad thing. I'll get through this and I'll be better for it.

Dear T, are you thinking about me? NOT at all. Well, you are hoping I won't contact you because I'm work and if I did, you would be nice to me but probably thinking "what the ****!" as it would be like for me getting a call from work while I'm on the beach - and it's ok, really. I'm work and I won't even call. What makes me really miserable is that I grew so fond of someone who doesn't care about me, really, and leaves me behind (as I'm work) without bothering too much when they're off. And besides, I am attached to someone who doesn't even exist, and maybe if I knew you in real life I might even not like you at all. But I'm stupidly attached.
So here is my brilliant revelation: therapy made my attachment issues worse. Now I need 1) cold therapy just to change my attitude at work; 2) friends and real loving persons to get attached to and to be a little bit important to.
You are too high for me anyway, too everything, always in the limelight. And being attached to you makes me feel so small and stupid, it's not healthy anymore. Maybe it never was.

Ambra, you know how I feel!

Dear T, I lied! I did try to hurt myself. I'm hurting but I'm afraid and to proud to ask for your help. I can't need you it will hurt too much!

I am hoping I will find the courage to confront you with how you sexualized/led me on. I wrote the letter 5 years ago. "Have I ever led you on?"---is something that never should have come out of your mouth; and should never be something any professional should say. I overcame a childhood of abuse, molestation, poverty, fatherlessness, 31 year abusive "marriage" and other traumas; one 3would think I would have the courage to confront you, but I wil. My story won a scholarship and I am a Sophomore at 68; you said you were so proud of me; let's see what happens when I ask you why you led me on...I could write a book here.

Dear T: I hope you have a safe and stress-free move. Well, as stress- free as possible. Moving is inherently stressful, I think. I for one cannot wait until you are here again!

Dear T and Pdoc,

I'm in the market for health insurance. Depending on the outcome, you've both been helpful.

Thanks,

Me

If you treated anyone else the way you treated me you would have been thrown to the wolves. Your rubbish would never be tolerated or believed. But you did it to me because it was so easy. You got away with it because no one cared about me. No one would stand up for me. No one! You taught me that NO ONE can be trusted and NO ONE was ever really a friend. NO ONE would lift a finger to go against the two of you because they all agree that I am nothing. This was the worst thing you could possibly do. I cared for you and you treated me like a stupid puppet. If you think I'm going to look the other way now you would be mistaken AGAIN!

Dear MC,
I miss you...hope you're having a good weekend so far...

Dear T...sorry I quit therapy via text...but it's too hard to do in person.

A good therapist would NEVER use their own client to get another client or to get a girlfriend, or to get a hook up for a few nights. What kind of therapist would do such a thing?

I will loom over every discussion you have with her, every time you see her you will see me because I am the reason you met. I will always be the reason you met and YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO USE ME THAT WAY. YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO MEET HER. YOU RUINED MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU WANTED A FLIRTATION, SOME EXCITEMENT IN YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE A SICK MAN!!

I feel less alone but.. I'm sorry :/

Dear T

I'm not ok. I'm afraid to be totally honest to you. I can't talk about these thoughts and feelings to you. I did it once, months ago. Why haven't you ask me about it after that session. Don't you wonder if I still think/feel like that? Shouldn't a T sometimes ask about it, espicially if she knows the clients has those thoughts? You're a very good T, but I feel like I can't talk to you about this.
Pdoc did ask me more about it, but I can barely talk to him, let alone about such a hard topic.
I just don't know what to do. I feel so bad. I wish you would ask me about it. I want to know if you really care, if you are worried about me. I feel like I'm just another client. nothing special. It hurts, I think I'm a client who has seen you the longest. I went with you to the other practise and then to this one. You would think you might care a little bit more about someone like that.
I don't think I matter to anyone.

Dear T-
You are the most amazing therapist and have given me the hope to keep going.

But can you please stop and look in the mirror before our sessions? Erotic transference is hard enough to deal with without throwing fuel on the fire. I know you dress in a way that seems conservative to you, and for most of the world it is. But once in a while, you completely miss the mark and show up dressed in way that leaves me...distracted. It's to the point that having sessions on hot days is a problem. Just take a quick look in the morning and see yourself from my point of view. Thanks.

Looking forward to the winter,
P

t, this maternal transference stuff sucks. we really are playing out the dynamic between my stupid mother and me. you know i just saw it right now as i'm typing this. i'm probably not wording this right but i'm trying. i have to pay for your attention and acceptance (i am not complaining here just making a comparison you have helped me TONS) and when i was a kid hell still today i have to "pay" for my mother's attention and semi-acceptance too, only difference is i pay you in money, i paid and continue to "pay" HER by pretending to be something i'm not, or by watering myself down to the point where she can sort of accept me; i paid and pay her with the currency of emotional misery.

Somehow the dollars that i pay you suddenly seem small in comparison.

thank you for putting up with me all this time. you know you were right time before last when you said we'd gotten down to my core issue at last which is the belief that i will never be good enough. that's exactly how dear mother has always made me feel. so we are re-enacting the dynamic with my mother but with a different end result, i am finally realizing that i AM good enough, that my mother was/is the one that's wrong. And it's likely because she has never felt like SHE is good enough, so she never learned how to teach me that I was/am. And i feel bad for her. But that's her stuff to fix. The only person I can change is ME. The buck stops here, t. I'm breaking the cycle. I refuse to accept the legacy.

Thank you, t. I don't care if it is transference. I'm going to say it again. I love you.

eta: i was eating breakfast in between typing that, and i had to stop eating, i have a lump near the size of texas in my throat right now and can't swallow. must be raw truth i just typed eh?

eta again: i just realized something else!! in that dream where i'm unwinding a shiny ribbon from around a string, the string we decided represented my core issue - the ribbon is perfect and shiny because it represents the 'fake self' i had to put on for my mother to try to be acceptable in her eyes! i love dream work SO much. my dream maker is so eloquent sometimes isn't it???

When you called me this morning I got the awful feeling I used to get as a kid when I was getting in trouble even if I was not guilty of anything. I could feel my face turning flush and I felt my heart drop. When I was younger I felt like I was never trusted. Like no one believed anything I said. So I began to take on the role of the guilty person, no matter what I did or didn't do. I think this is another reason why being honest with you and your trust in me has been so important to me because it feels good to be trusted.

I was surprised that your "alarm went off this morning" because I didn't think I was doing anything alarming. I suppose it was what I wasn't doing but still being alarmed by it seemed over the top. I guess I should be happy that you give a ****. I'm wondering if what I said about not seeing any reason to stick around if you left was the alarming part, especially since I feel it in my gut that you are preparing for this. I don't always feel in my gut that you are leaving but I have been lately. I know you more than you think.

If I could, I would beg you not to go. You really aren't that old. 65 is young these days and you're totally fit. I think that leaving NCH is an ok option, but leaving therapy??? What will you do? You don't seem to like to travel. You like to work in your yard. I know you love your kids so you could spend some more with them. Maybe you are considering moving. Maybe you have a girlfriend now and she wants to go or move.

I can't make you stay and I can't make you include me in your life. I'm crying now. Of course. As you say, "I have a tendency to cry." I think maybe it's time that I start mourning the loss of you. I can feel it. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am. I wish I could read this to you but I suspect it would be upsetting or disappointing to you. I'm going to open that book in a bit and see if that helps me.

In a totally unrelated topic... I was thinking was that one of the reasons I don't like hugs is because I feel vulnerable when I'm being hugged. I try to appear hard or tough and if I let people hug me I have to drop that defense. I don't know if that makes sense.

How could you see a close relative of mine behind my back? I mean you KNEW we were close and you gave her my personal information. How could someone stoop so low to STEAL my therapist away from me? I just want to know how pathetic was their life that they needed to cause me more pain than I already had? What kind of a person does that?