Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I don't like you and I don't want to go to therapy anymore.

Get. Out. Of. My. Head.
Please.

Previous counsellor...f*** you. You were wrong. You needed me to have something diagnoseable on the DSM to justify why you couldn't help me any more. Well, I don't, I had the psych assessment - it turns out you added to my issues. I just need someone with more experience. Jeez, you should have understood your limits sooner.

New psychotherapist...you rock. I wish the transference would just transfer to you, but I know it's better for me this way. Ugh. I wish I felt about you the way I felt about her because i know you know how to deal with it.

I've had to put up with so much ____in my life. The last thing in the world I needed was for you to dump more ____on me. Ruin my career. The only thing I had any pride in. You are despicable and I hope you will..............

You chose a great week to go away T:/
Or they chose a great week to be their usual manipulative selves... Not sure which

I'm glad we did such great work last week. It'll get me through this. And more.

I am scared to see you tomorrow. I hate this.

dear T
i was scared to see you today because it felt weird. it felt weird bc i felt like i hadnt seen you in a while and i forgot what our relationship was like. this happens a lot when you go away. our session went well but i was anxious.. did you notice? i tried to hide it

me

Dear MC,
Now I'm questioning why I sent you that e-mail after our session yesterday. I think the first paragraph or two are OK. I think for the last part I just needed to let you know the transference is still there because I feel weird talking about it in front of my H, even if it's of the paternal variety. But of course you probably know it's still there. As you would say, you're a psychologist! Of course you realize that. I think I still needed to acknowledge it, because that elephant is taking up a lot of space in your office. Maybe I want you ask me about it more, maybe I have some delusion that you'd agree to meet with me solo again--I don't know. Maybe I just needed to connect with you after a rather intense last 15 minutes of the session, but a phone call seemed like it may have been too much. So please let me know you read it like I requested. Because I don't want to ask you in session. And maybe say at least another sentence or two besides, "Yep, I read it!"

Dear T

I was going to talk to my mom about that thing, but I changed my mind. I don't know. I got irritated by her today. She made a comment about my eating. I don't want people to comment on my eating. That why I got eating problems when I was a teenager. I finally have my eating habbits a bit under control. But sometimes I get triggered and I want to throw my food up. I also find that she (and also my dad) doesn't deserve to know things. They got help for me when I should got help sooner. They didn't do anything about my brother. When they find out about my lack of eating and later about me throwing up, they told my T instead of talking to me about it. And last year, when I got really depressed, they didn't said to me that I should get help again, didn't encourage anything. They just let me be. They are just so easy.

And about the letter. I haven't got any reply from him. No reaction at all. No I'm sorry, No I didn't know, not even a **** you *****. Nothing. He just ignores me. He has been ignoring me for a while. No reaction is also a reaction. He doesn't care about me at all. I shouldn't care that he doesn't care, but I do. It hurts. And I want to punch him.

I miss you so much. It's weird to say that and I wish it weren't true but it is. Only two weeks to go but there is so much going on and I'm overwhelmed.

Dear T

This quote makes me think of you.

Dear MC,
Please write back to my e-mail from yesterday, even just two sentences. Otherwise, you might end up with a weepy voicemail. OK, you might end up with that anyway, since you're officially the backup for my T while she's on vacation this week. OK, you might have ended up with one even if my T wasn't away, but at least I would have been able to talk to her tomorrow and maybe diffuse some of the intense paternal (and maybe maternal?) transference I'm feeling for you right now...

I re-read all the previous posts in this thread...fewer than half were positive.

Many reminded me of times you were impatient or irritable.

A few reminded me you could be warm and thoughtful.

If I had a better support system outside T maybe we could have continued.

Do you regret how you acted? Or was as your apology just defensive?

I used to pray for you. For me too. I don't know if I can anymore. Prayers dried up.

Dear T

I don't really want to see hou today. I'm anxious and nervous. Almost everytime when it's time for our session. I think I don't really want to talk about things. I don't want to feel to much. And also because I still have trouble with talking and I'm afraid you hate me being so quiet.
I still haven't told you that.

Dear T

I don't really want to see hou today. I'm anxious and nervous. Almost everytime when it's time for our session. I think I don't really want to talk about things. I don't want to feel to much. And also because I still have trouble with talking and I'm afraid you hate me being so quiet.
I still haven't told you that.

Dear T

Today. I wasn't looking forward to a sesson. I sat there in the waiting room. A few minutes before my time I saw a man, a client, leaving your office. So he's the one who had my usual time. That time ends 15 minutes before my time. There's at least 15 minutes between sessions. So he had you longer. You let him stay a little longer. With me you usually keep the times. On time you let me stay a little longer, but you were on time for your next client. And then you have let me stay longer for 2 more times, I think, but you didn't had a client after me at that time.

Today, you were too late for my session. So it was only 3-4 minutes. It was because an other client stayed longer and that's what made me angry. If it was any other reason I would be so angry, but it was because of an other client. One who used way to much gel in his hair, especially for his age.
I was so angry. I wanted to leave. I wanted to not talk to you. But then you said hi, and you looked so nice and kind and you acted so kind. And then we sat and I couldn't be mad at you. And then we started talking.

I didn't say anything to you. You usually aren't late for sessions, because there is always at least 15 minutes between sessions. The one other time you were a little late, it was also because of an client. That was some months ago. I was angry then too. I didn't say anything. I know you're usually on time. But I don't like it when you are a little too late because of an other client!!! I wish I could tell you that. I not often angry or irritated by you. When I am, it always has to do with an other client of you.

Right now, I think I hate you I hate you. Though I don't really hate you. I only hate that you were late, because of the client before me. It makes me feel worthless. Like I don't matter. Like I'm less important that your other clients. You must like having sessions with him more than you like our sessions. I'm quiet. I often don't say a lot. He must talk much more. Talk talk talk. I could tell by the way he left your office and said goodbye to you.

I'm constantly missing you, but I barely thought about you this week. That fierce sense of loss and abandonment is gone in the past two days and it's weird. It feels like when I stopped obsessing about the person I've wanted as mom for 20 years. There I took 15 years though. It's a strange sense of.. quiet void, like something strong is missing. The overwhelming joy when I met her and the longing in the days or months I didn't get to see her. Bitter but liberating in the long run. Now, this time it must be my crazy schedule: I'm pretty sure it didn't cost me so little and I will be suffering a lot again. BUT should this continue for some sort of miracle, then I think I won't agree to more sessions. Why then go through all the pain all over again in just one month and then many other times, let alone termination? Ah T, if you could only remotely imagine how emotionally drained I am.

Dear ex-T,

I had a telephone screening with T in the next town over. She agreed to see me next week. Planning at the moment just 2-3 sessions for tools I can apply to specific goals.

She asked, what was your previous therapeutic experience? Well now.

I described briefly what I presented to you as my goals 16 months ago versus what you delivered.

She was a bit wry observing the gulf between those. And she doesn't know the half of it.

I'd like to put aside our failed experiment quietly. I know I don't need more regret and shame in my life.

I don't know what you need or don't need. You can go have a nice life.

One other thing. Don't go traumatizing other clients. It's unethical.

LL

P.S. I met trainer G today to set down new fitness goals for strength/endurance. Seeing him again after so long was really cleansing. You never made me feel good like that.

Some days we just "click", we thoroughly connect. Today was one of those days. I could see it in your eyes and you surely saw it in mine. You MUST know. Why won't you say anything?

I feel at times that I would break every rule, risk anything, give up everything. I feel that strongly when I see you. It's killing me. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

I'm angry about you going away for the whole month.
i guess you really need a vacation, but i still feel so angry and alone.
i'm upset that in the end of our lest session, you didn't say anything like "take care", or asked me how i'll be coping while you're away.
i hate you and miss you at the same time, and feel so helpless...

Dear Pdoc

These feelings for you are so strong. I think about you all day long. I get butterflies in my belly. But it also makes me nasseous. I'm so sick of it. I wish I could turn it off, stop thinking about you. stop being in love with you. It hurts. I won't ever know how you think about me. It probably wouldn't matter, you can do much better than me. But it hurts. Unrequited love. I will never know you. Soon will be the last time we see each other. I'm sad. It ****ing hurts.

Why did I had to meet you. If I asked for help earlier, when the depression started, then I wouldn't have met you. If I didn't choose to go back to this T, then I wouldn't have met you. If I didn't had chosen to try medication, then I wouldn't have met you. But I met you.

You are a very good psychiatrist. You are the second best person with whom I had to do therapy wise. I had to do with about 25 different people in therapy, psychologist, psychiatrist, drama T and more. Most I didn't really like. Some were very bad. You are good. You were so good with me. But was it worth the pain I now have?

I just called you to listen to your voice mail. You have a lovely voice and I think I fall in love with it whenever I hear it, especially after not for so long. I wish it was October. I do like the T i'm with now though. I know you know her and set me up with her. Am I really going to have to choose between you two? C'mon, you know it's going to be you. But I have really clicked with her as well. Wow. I don't want to have to choose. It'll be cool to see both of you but lol that might be, I don't know... okay I got to stop. She'll still be my group therapist so I won't lose her completely. I just don't want to lose anyone. Can't wait till beginning of October.

t, i don't know where my head is at right now. we had a casual kind of talk today, i babbled a lot which probably didn't make a lot of sense because i just had a lot of feelings going on about you moving back here, so i had no brain to mouth filter, all that stuff just plopped right on out whether it was ready for actual words or not. i don't care whether or not we figure out how to bill my insurance again once you're back here to go back to 50 min sessions. i'll be happy continuing the half-sessions for half the price, i don't care about driving to & from for only 30 mins. It would be worth it to me. How can you not know that? the talks we have every 2 weeks are so important to me. yes, i could figure out how to get along w/out you. but until the time comes when i have to, i don't want to. you help me stay sane in a crazy world. i miss you so much right now, the missing you intensified by 1000 when you said that you'll be here around the 14th. That's only 8 DAYS!! And then you will be in the same city again, and I will know it, but I won't be able to see you until you get your new office set up. As if that won't drive me crazy ha. Ah well. I know we will be talking again on the 20th, at least....even if it is just on the phone that is okay. I wish I had wished you safe travels before we hung up.

jk I don't love you, I can't love you. why do i do this to myself? it must stop.

i need more alcohol to be honest

Today I'm just tired and pissed. The depression that hit me after our session has not ended, but has only gotten worse. I'm certain that nothing matters, at all, anywhere. The drinks tonight helped dull the frustration. They also reinforced my belief that nothing matters. I kept pounding them back until nothing at all seemed to be important. Now I'm depressed precisely because nothing at all seems to be important.

Not me, not you, not any of this. Not my feelings for you, not anything I'm trying to accomplish in therapy. I live all day and all night with the emptiness. I go to work with it and try to lose myself in distractions. I come home with it and try to drown myself in meaningless bull####. None of it makes any difference. My career is on an uptick and that doesn't make any difference. I've fought and won financial battles and those don't make any difference. I watch things that aren't real, committed to film by people who have been dead for years. They don't matter. I don't matter. Not a single ****ing thing matters, not to me. You matter and everyone around me matters because you're all supposed to exist in this world and I am not. You will find what you've been looking for and I will not. Sooner or later it will be impossible for me to see you again. I won't be able to bear it. I will be worse off than I ever was. We will smile at each other and put on our false faces but mine will not be sustainable anymore. It is a dead certainty.