Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I wrote this a while back on the couch, I can so relate.

I signed on tonight just to tell you to wait for the day that YOU need someone to be there for you. Just wait and imagine how it will feel when the one person you trusted to be there for you, turns their back. Turns their back and snubs you in favor of a night on the town for self indulgence. You are left with nothing to hold onto in the darkness. I want to know how YOU would feel.

dear T

i know u were trying to model compassion to me today .. you had sad eyes and u said u have compassion for me and then you said something about being sorry and HONESTLY i didnt like it, i wanted to reject it, i wanted it to be over. it felt like too much...

me

Funny. I opened it where I left off. Chapter 7. It's talking about learning to not close yourself of to painful things. At least that's what I understood. I wish we could use the book in therapy. Like maybe read a little out loud and then discuss what we read. I know, it's not NA. It's therapy but I wonder if you could expand on **** or help me understand by relating stuff to me. Maybe I should be able to do this on my own. I mean, I can. Like what I read I imagined me sitting in your office and you telling me you are leaving someday and I totally shut down. That's exactly what I do and exactly what I think he was talking about. I think he said that if I don't shut down the pain goes away. This is what I don't understand.

So anyway, about my day. It was wasted in on and off depression sleep. I did this until 7:30 ... I think. Also that ****ing inner-voice kept repeating "defective."

I miss you.

dear T,
I hate everything and everyone. I'm
fed up and want to leave everythin behind.

You never deserved to know anything about me. I regret being referred to you. You have no right to gain any happiness or money from your association with me. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!
You've No right using me to obtain another client, to get yourself another girlfriend, to make other connections "for fun". You have NO RIGHT as a T to do such underhanded things. Some day someone will teach you a lesson. I wish I could be there when you are proclaimed GUILTY!

One day you will know severe pain. Then you can call me and I'll hang up! Just like you did to me!

hey t i'm really emotional knowing you're gonna be in town again soon. today i was standing in the grocery store and i could not remember my phone number (!) linked to my discount card, and i was fighting back tears for heaven's sake. this had better subside once i know you are safe and sound and here!!!

you are on vacation...and i miss u...hate myself for that..
also i found a video of u online..family one..i wish i hadnt seen it...

Dear T

I googled you again. I don't know why. There's never anything new to find. Only your LinkedIn. You did university and so did your brother and sister. The same with pdoc and his brother and sister. I'm jealous on that. Not that I wanted to go to university, but I did want to go to college. I was so good at studying. Until this started. Anxiety, depression. I've been dealing with this for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to get better. The only thing I was good in was school. Nothing else was good about me. And now I don't even have that. I'm not good at anything. I never will be. What's the point. It useless. I'm useless.
I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Everytime I get confronted with what I don't have. And it's not just a degree and a good job. You're beautiful, smart, funny, you've a boyfriend and a baby-daughter. You do get along with your brother and sister.
I hate my life so much. I hate myself. I'm disgusted by myself.

I don't know if I can do this any longer. I've read some more info on depression. Appearantly ever depression will end. Really? Right now I don't even now if I want it to end. Maybe I just want it to drag me down deeper and deeper, until finally...

I don't feel like I can talk to you about this. One time, I thought you could help me. But I don't think I can be helped. I feel lost and alone, and I feel I can't talk to anyone about this.

Dear T

I just wrote down everything that I'm scared to tell you. It are several topics. And most have been bothering me for months. I should probably talk to you about it. But maybe after your vacation, which is in two weeks.
When I started therapy again, I was planning on being totally honest this time. I've told you things I didn't told you the first time in therapy. But now there are new things. And I'm not telling you those. I'm afraid you'll think I'm whining. Jealous on you, jealous on other clients with you, insecure about our therapeutic relationship and then some other things I've told you about, but I'm afraid to bring up again.
And I'm suppose to be working on my self-esteem and anxieties, depression.
I'm a real mess.

Sometimes when I feel really bad, I listen to the session we recorded last year. While it's comforting, it makes me miss you so much. Yes, I am this stupid. Yes. I know. Yes, yes, I'm ashamed about this and I want everyone to know I'm an object of pity even to myself. One does what they can.

Ex-T,

I have 3-4 "why" questions you should really answer about that last session, and how you conducted therapy for well over a year. You would never answer, though. What I'm left to speculate -- absent honest answers -- is not flattering to you or your ethics.

LL

Dear ex-T
I miss you so much. I need you right now. I feel so alone. Bad thoughts are going through my mind. I can't stop them. No one will take your place or can take your place. I'm in so much despair. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Please come back soon. I need help, help I'm not getting from anyone else. I can't trust the other therapist. I don't know them I can't confide in them. I'm going through so much. So much pain and anguish. What am I going to do what can I do. I want to tell you all this but I can't. Please help me

When you see a cloud over your head, know that I sent it!!

Write. Share what you can with your T. But give yourself a voice. The things you shared here, I understand because I feel a lot of them, too. You're not whining - is a cancer patient whining? Your pain is no different and no less justified. I'm jealous of my T patients beyond belief. I scan the room for evidence of other clients every time I get in there. And don't get me started on being insecure about my T...You're not alone or wrong for how you feel, and you have more strength inside than you realize. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be fighting. And you are still fighting.

I have so much I want to talk to you about today but we won't have enough time. Then I don't see you again for 25 days. Need to figure out what the most pressing issues are a talk about them first. Wish I could see you on Friday before I go out of town.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear MC,
Why was I so candid with you in my e-mail about transference last week? (And why did I just reread what I sent you 2 hours before our appointment today!) I wasn't even drunk or anything when I wrote it! I mean, yeah, 95% was about paternal transference, but even that I was maybe a bit too candid about. Wanting you to hold me like I'm your child? Eek. I'm just really glad you responded, or I'd feel even weirder going into our session today. At least you said I was "insightful" in my thoughts and interpretation of them. And that it's good I "want to address things head on" (hee hee, your word choice there still makes me giggle for some reason). So, yeah...

Darling T,

I'm done.
I'm tired.
This internal fight has to end.
I want to feel better.
That glimmer at the end of the tunnel is dimming.
I'm scared.

EM

Dear t i hope your move is going well.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Dear T, I hope you do check on me even though I said not to. I don't know how to ask for what I need can't you see that. You must know that about me. I had my first panic attack in your office and then you asked when I wanted to come back, Didn't you witness my pain and humiliation. I can't do that again, i'm unraveling. My worst fear is losing control and that is exactly what is happening. Why won't I let you help?

Dear MC,
Yeah, maybe I was initially trying to avoid the transference topic at first, but I think what we talked about was important and helpful. Of course, it's maybe a bit...ironic that I was worried about talking about paternal (and a little erotic) transference and what we wound up talking about was...parenting. Hearing you describe how you used to lie with your kids in bed to help them go to sleep, just the way I do with my daughter, was rather heartwarming. Even if maybe you partly did it to avoid doing the dishes You also admitted to having a lot of self-doubt like I do (and which my H doesn't)--I think you also realize that we're wired pretty similarly, which is part of why I connect with you so well. And it was nice to hear you say "It was good to see you" again when you shook my hand--I haven't heard that in a few weeks for various reasons. Wish I could hug you.

Ugh. 15 is about to be grounded..... Meh i say, meh!

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I want to use.... its so tempting. ..why can't I you would say its my choice. .... I should just do it. Or may be not.

Don't do it. You don't need it. Distract yourself.