I can't do it (tw)

It's so hard not to blsme myself

I stayed stuck for over 30 years, seeing different ts the whole time. I just didnt want to face that my family just plain didnt like me. I could admit that my mother thought children "in general" were a burden, but somehow i thought i was not included REALLY. But i was, REALLY.

When i finally decided to stop pretending with her, to stop covering up for her, things got better for me. So i would ask you - is there something youre pretending about? Besides the "bad" t. What drove you to each other? What was missing in your life that made you both vulnerable? You dont need to answer to me of course - there is a difference between blaming yourself and taking responsibility. When i took responsibility to stop pretending, i was willing to accept the consequences. Mostly that i would be ostracized. But people who were in denial themselves were the only ones who were negative - everybody else was supportive enough.

Thanks so much. I am sure thst the same thing drove her to me as drove me to her. I am 33 and so badly hurt that I felt my mom never loved me, was never there physically or emotionally while I was growing up. I took care of myself snd I'm an only child so I was ways alone. My ex-T is 61 ( the exact same age as my mom) with no husband and no kids... i think I became like her daughter. If you believe in transference it was really messed up, intense countertransference. A few times she suggested extra sessions (always unpaid and for a few months, 3x a week) because she had free time and cares about me. I told her every little thing in my life by email and she'd always give me a long resoonse. I could call her anytime and we arrangrd phone calls too. The problem is She gave mr what I felt desperate for and then after 5 years changed her mind and damaged me in the worst way all over again. Like kicking somrone in a bruise.

The good news is, you are still young, and you have these resources, like google and PC and national health care. I felt like i was the only one seeing a t when i was your age and had to go to physical bookstores. Aside from walking 5 miles to school in the snow uphill both ways i know, sorry about that

I think like musing lizzy, your issue is not your ts crummy boundaries, its still whatever it was before her. I spent a lot of time with my current t criticizing past ts, but also myself. Part of the problem was them, part of it was me. Being able to see that difference and admit it was a lot of the work toward getting better. Just cleaning up the story. Now im working on cleaning up my house and myself. But before, i kept everything fuzzy and complicated.

Wow. Now I'm super comfused if I should tell her or no'ot. I'm terrified she'll think this is my faultt anyway.

So I'm not the only one here who wants to die, but yet is scared to, right?

You should still tell her--I'm sure she'll realize it was your ex-T's fault. Your ex-T probably sensed whatever need you had (to not feel abandoned, for example) and used that to get you dependent on her. I think Hankster is trying to say that you may still have that need, so it's still an issue to be dealt with in therapy--not that you're to blame for what your ex-T did.

Here I go, after hiding this forever. Please wish me luck. I also cut again and I'm afraid to say yes if she asks.

You don't have to tell her even if she asks.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes...

Seems what is rarely mentioned is that Ts can become very attached to Cs. And if that happens are they really Ts anymore?

I hope your session goes well!

I think the problem is when they come attached in a way that their own needscome first.

So I didn't end up telling her about ex-T yesterday. I had cut really deeply again and we talked about my safety plan and triggers, and getting more help and stuff. at the end I told her something has been really hurting me for months and she got it right away, she said, "do you think it has something to do with how bad your self-harm has gotten?" And I nodded and she said "can you tell me please?" And I looked at the clock (5 mins... She often goes over but I didn't want to start it that close to the end) and asked her if I could write it for her and bring it in next week. She said it was important to tell her if it was in any way contributing to the self-harm, since it's been severe and I shouldn't be in this much pain. But I said I'd rather just talk about it next week. So that's what I'm doing and I can't really go back now so I'm nervous.

you can do it!!! writing it down might be a better way to initiate the convo. i have done this before. i have faith in you!!!

I'm going to be freaking out while she reads it.

I am glad I told her though because now she'll bring it up.

That's great that you were able to mention it, since now, like you said, she'll ask you about it. And handing her something written is easier than having to say it all in detail. I've given my T a few written things before--it is very difficult sitting there while she reads it, but then I don't have to worry about getting the words out (plus I express myself better in written form). You could probably just use what you've typed out before on the board, maybe modifying it a bit if you want. It also helps that she already knows that this is causing you great pain--so when she's reading it, she can have that in mind.

Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Sorry I'm late in the story to all that has happened with you Pink. What happened with your ex-t though? Mine totally ****ed me over. Abandoned me. Brought up the most traumatic wound there is for me and did nothing about my cries for help. Even almost died cause of it. So I may not understand totally how you feel, I don't even know what happened. But I might understand a little bit. I hope you are getting help now and taking care of yourself. For me, it took going into the hospital for a while. Then they make you set up appointments from there before you get out. I have come a long way since then (this was Dec '14). Now I'm going to school to get a degree and have finally begun to let myself enjoy life a little more. I even felt happiness for the first time in so long yesterday. I still need help, I may always because I have a disease. But I feel I am strong enough - at least stronger than I was - to handle it better now. I'm just now realizing how much the pain of the past 3 years has meant for me, and how much beauty can come of it. I'm beginning to see the beauty finally begin to blossom, and finally believe there are positive things in store for me because I have suffered.

You may not be where you want to be yet (and maybe you don't know where you want to be, or even believe you want to be anywhere and that's okay), but you will be. You will get there. Don't give up on yourself. You are not hopeless, no situation is hopeless so long as you are still breathing. So just keep breathing! Sending <3 and hugs.

Thank you! My story is I think on the next page where I put a copy of what I wrote for my new therapist to read about what happened. What are you studying? I have been in and out of school forever. I have a good care team now and the pain is gradually lessening.

I asked my new T if she had any intention of discharging me in the near future and she said "absolutely not." I feel better.

I am interested in what happened also Pink. Did you post what you want your new T to read on here? Im kinda confused as to what happened.

hi pink ,
there is hope for you hun . stop.being hard on yourself . your psychiatrist and psychologist cannot say your hopless . you need to get start thinking positive about yourself and life. im going through the same thing that you're going through right now but 10x as worse than you are but I don't let it get to me cuz I have a good therapist who specializes in anxiety,depression,adjustments in life changes ,relationships,promoting strengths for personal growth and she is also an experienced registered nurse. I can call her whenever im in crisis or when something is not feeling right to me . pink think positive and things will work out for the better.

Please skip for those of you who read this. This is the skimmed down version I'm going to give my new T next week:

I'm proud of you PF. You're doing a good job. Baby steps...

Thank you for posting that pink. I am really sorry that happened. I am proud of you for taking steps forward and telling your current T about it. T's help the best when they know whats going on. I hope you can find peace and stop self harming. You don't deserve to be hurt. Please stay safe and be good to yourself.