[withit]

I am unhappy with the way therapy is going with my new t.

I can't quite put my finger on it. I want her to elicit more from me. I can ask her to elicit more, but I need to explain what I mean when I ask for it. I can do so by giving an example of a situation in which I would've wanted her to elicit.

Here's part of our previous session. Her cellphone rings. This has happened once before. That time I thought she had forgotten to turn it off. So now it rings again. I say the ringing of the phone reminds me of a dream I had. I tell her the dream. [That we're sitting in this room and a woman comes to the door. Within a few minutes the room is full of people. I leave the room and go to the waiting room, where she meets me. I tell her this doesn't work for me. She promises it will never happen again. ] I tell her that last time her husband knocked on the door, in middle of session. And another time I saw her adopted child leave the house (She owns her home. Her office is on the first floor with its own entrance and her home is on the second floor with its own entrance. Entrances are side by side.)
I tell her there are so many people here and I find it overwhelming. The husband knocking on the door, the cellphone ringing, it's too much for me.

She immediately offers an interpretation, ''You're not sure you're being taken care of, whether you're a priority or not''
I interject, I say it's not about being taken care of, I don't see you as taking care of me, it's just that there is so much of 'you' here, and I want it to be about me.

I'm bothered by something. My experience with my previous t was such that when I shared a dream, her response was, ''what does it mean to you?" It was always about me. She asked about my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, she elicited a lot. And it worked very well for me. It's what I like.

Now, I can ask my new t to elicit more. I can tell her that when I tell her a dream I find it more helpful if she helps me express myself more.... But then I begin to feel like, who's the therapist here, she or I? I feel uncomfortable 'teaching' my t the 'skills' I think she ought to have! Letsay I tell her that next time I share a dream she should not jump to offer her interpretations....when she will ask me, ''what does it mean to you' it will seem so artificial to me...It will not feel like a genuine interest on her part....just her 'talking the talk'...

Sigh.

[Perna]

A new T can't know what you like right away? You may have to "teach" her what you like.

Yes, in the beginning it might seem artificial but if you look at what was asked instead of "that" it was asked at your request or the wording, etc. and go with that, eventually you won't notice the framing anymore; you know what you are looking for so learn to give that to yourself, that's really what therapy is all about. When your T asks a "wrong" question or gives a response that isn't as helpful as what you're thinking, tell her what you'd "like" to respond and why! I think therapy is a give and take learning experience, not just the therapist or you following a pre-written script.

[sunrise]

withit, one of the most powerful things my T said to me was that he wanted me to tell him my needs. About therapy. Was he giving me too much or too little? Did I want something different? What was it I needed and wanted? I have a hard time with this, as I am not used to telling anyone my needs, probably for fear of rejection. It was amazing to me that T actually wanted me to tell him my needs. It makes sense, I guess, because he is not a mind reader, and every client will bring different needs to therapy.

Before giving up on your T, could you talk with her about this? Maybe if you just explain what you need, she might surprise you and be able to provide it. It needn't be viewed as artificial if she begins to respond as you want her to, but perhaps simply as being responsive to your needs.

It is OK if a T makes an interpretation and it is not correct. T's do this all the time. They learn more about you by seeing your reaction to their interpretations. And next time their interpretation may be more spot on because of what they have learned from your reaction. It is also common for newer/younger T's to be more quick to dive in with their interpretations rather than asking the client, "what does it mean to you?" Maybe your T is not as experienced as your previous one. But I hope she is using every client to learn and become a better T.

[Direction]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:It is OK if a T makes an interpretation and it is not correct. T's do this all the time. They learn more about you by seeing your reaction to their interpretations. And next time their interpretation may be more spot on because of what they have learned from your reaction.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I hadn't thought about this; I can see how catching our reactions when we are not expecting it can be helpful. Not sure that is what your T is doing; however, it is something to think about.

[SecretGarden]

I think that your dream was incredible and hope that she would make note of what was happening there. I think that you have gotten good responses.

I think that I have often been told that therapy is often more about what is going on within the room and within the environment. I am sorry but the noise around the session that you described to me just was so loud I could barely hear the contents... and I wonder if that is the way it is working for you and/or her.

Is the home office new to her ... and to you?

I suppose I am a nal and the home office is supposed to make things flexible I guess but .... having a cell phone on and the husband knocking on the door and the son or whoever out the window seems like an amazing number of distractions. What is being done to keep the focus within that room? I think that that needs discussion...

but....lol... that was not your question.... nuts....

[withit]

Sunrise, I really like that your t initiated that. Hm...me thinks me will discuss with t....about me telling her what me needs....I think I will ask her to turn off the cell phone. And then ask her why she agreed to shut it...lol...

Yeah, the home office is new to me. My previous t had a private office totally separate from her home. In fact, a few blocks away from her home. This new t has her office in her home, and this is a new and unwelcome experience for me.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel uncomfortable 'teaching' my t the 'skills' I think she ought to have! Letsay

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Withit,

In any relationship, including the one with our T, we have to let the other person know (teach them) what our needs are. My T did the same as Sunny's in that he consistently encourages me to let him know what I need from him. I have begun to do that and our relationship is growing closer and deeper as a result. I even remember telling him he needed to get in touch with his feminine! It's okay to say what you want or require in this relationship. Go for it!

As far as the cell phone and the husband, well, you need that to not happen.......I venture a guess that he was chastised for his knocking.....would have if her were my husband anyway.

In a way, T was right, you were feeling you were not a priority.

My T offers dream interpretations and sometimes he's dead on and sometimes he isn't. When he isn't, I let him know and he says, "Well there goes that one." T's are human too.

Good luck in forging this relationship.

yeah, i agree with the sentiment that it takes some time for them to figure out what we need / want. i remember posting about my therapist saying that i wish he would shut the hell up and LISTEN instead of trying to offer interpretations when he really didn't know me very well and where he was still getting to know me.

i felt like there was a very real disconnection there and i wasn't sure whether things would work out or not. things are going much better now, though. just took some time.

could you possibly... tell her that you find it helpful if she asks you questions to try and help draw the answer out of you rather than attempting to offer her answer? if i've understood you right... thats fairly much exactly how i feel about it too. i mean sometimes i get stuck and need a little help. but othertimes the answer is within me somewhere and its really about them helping facilitate that and maybe stepping in if i'm way off base (though of course it will take a while for them to start to see repeating patterns / themes and the like in order to say sensible and enlightening things).

time...

i think it is amazing that you shared that dream :-)

yay you :-)

some clients... feel kinda helpless... and need to idealise. in that case... the clients can feel really very reassured if the therapist seems to have all the answers and read their mind (e.g., say something that was exactly what the client was thinking). she might be used to working with people who need to do that so it might take a little bit for her to see that you are different.

hang in there.

[withit]

Thank you all for your wonderful support and insight. Yeah, I'm getting the message, loud and clear: that I need to tell t what it is I want.

AK, I like what you said about helpless clients needing to idealize their t....

Still, why is it so damn scary to ask t for what I want! Oh well, it's certainly a relationship pattern...lol...just realized that....

why is it so damn scary?

i have no idea.

ok... confession time... i simply can't ask. simply can't. maybe it is that i don't know how to ask. don't know how to phrase it. i think that is an important part of it.

there is another part to it too. this part is really very strong but as i say it i know it doesn't sound so sensible...

i figure that i shouldn't have to ask. they should notice. i don't exactly mean that they should just magically know. but i do think that if they are perceptive... they should notice that i'm not responding well to what they are saying... and hence they should try and switch strategies and figure it out.

what happened with my therapist is that... well... this is what i think happened at any rate... he figured that i didn't have the ego strength to take his interpretations (whereas i think it was that his interpretations were way off base). he switched strategies to just being empathetic. to saying less even. a little bit of silence... and i'd offer him my interpretation. and when i'd offer it it would be a bit hesitant, like i wasn't sure. then he would maybe try to add to it a little... or mostly he started asking more questions to get me to elaborate on what i'd said... so we kind of are at the point now where he is helping me elaborate what i think is going on.

i think that will help him be able to offer more helpful interpretations.

admittedly that wasn't reached by my going the direct route, however.

we are still figuring out silences. he has said to me that its fine with him if i am silent all session. well... that its fine with him if i'm not - of course - but that i can be silent if i want and that is ok. he is being silent more too. he has said that sometimes he doesn't know what i need. whether i need him to be silent or whether i need him to elaborate. but he is being silent more and that is kind of nice. though i am appreciative sometimes when he does speak.

i think it is really great that you are more direct than me.

an inspiration :-)

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
withit said:
Still, why is it so damn scary to ask t for what I want! Oh well, it's certainly a relationship pattern...lol...just realized that....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Well, for me it's a pattern of being rejected many times throughout my life. Also, I don't think anyone has asked me what my needs are before. It floored me that T asked me that. It's as if I don't feel worthy of having my needs asked about, like I'm a bug and why would anyone ask what a bug needs? So, I have a hard time coming right out and saying what I need to T. Sometimes he can get it from me through more oblique means. He is also very perceptive so he can do a good job even without my telling him. I think I am getting better at this. You often don't get what you need unless you ask. I've done this a few times lately with others in my life and actually did get some of my needs fulfilled. Afterwards, I remember thinking, how this may be the first time I had ever done that before, and was it really so hard?

[withit]

Here's an update.

So I come to session today. First thing she does is say, ''I'm gonna turn off my cellphone'' and she does that. Shucks. Lost an opportunity to ask for it myself. lol.

At end of session I asked if she'd be able to call me sometime between now and her return from vacation. She said she can't promise, cuz of time zone difference, but she will certainly try. I just want her to touch base with me. Yay that she agreed. Do I sound like a three-year-old? lol.

I talked about me being scared to ask her for what I need. That I don't trust that she will give me what I ask for. Her response was so insightful I am excited to share it! She said, ''Or is it that you don't trust YOURSELF to take care of yourself?" I think she was spot on with that response. I think because I don't trust MYSELF to ask for what I want or need, I expect the OTHER to intuitively know what it is I need and provide it!

Whaddaya say?

Gosh, I think knowing what you need and want is very hard and then asking... well, it's like a strenuous exercise for me! Very hard.

sounds like...

she said something that resonated with you.

:-)

thats great.

[SecretGarden]

That mind reading thing has gotten me in trouble...

so....

Excellent for you for speaking up...

and hope the cell phone will stay off....

You are being heard...and that is the way it should be. Congrats.