[PinkFlamingo99]

I don't think I can get better right now, I'm completely devoid of hope and I'm worried my current psychiatrist and psychologist (hospital outpatient psych), will think I'm too hopeless or beyond help too and just leave me alone. I don't think I can handle this on my own and it would really hurt to have such specialized/high level help decide I'm hopeless.

I'm very worried about my safety. Not so much specific suicide plans but such a strong urge to hurt myself that I think is heading that way quickly.

The ridiculous thing is I am afraid of dying but I believe this is where I am heading. I can't do this. I'm in so much pain, I hate myself, and I feel such stfong horrible violent thoughts about myself

Possible trigger:

I have been cutting deep, big gashes with a razor blade. 2 of them were bone deep and I want to do more a lot of the time. I HATE myself so much that it's stronger than my desire to stop and my fear of heading twd suicide. I want to rip myself to shreds.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be okay because the will to get better isn't there and I don't know where to go from there. No amount of psych help will be enough if all I feel inside is that I want out of my life and I don't care enough about myself to want to be safe.

Possible trigger:

most of the time I feel like I'm just waiting until I am ready to die. Limbo, but I want out

Part of me is afraid too. Afraid of dying and that's why I'm still here. I'm thinking of not going back to therapy next week though. She's helped me a lot but it's all stuff to make my life better and to get over my depression and I don't feel like I want to get better now. I don't want a health or happy life, I want out. There's no point in wasting her time and mine because I'm not trying hard enough.

Possible trigger:

I don't even try to control the self-harm right now, I don't get stitches or try to stop the blood flow even if it makes me feel sick. What's the point in going to therapy if I'm not even trying?

I couldn't handle coming home to my disgusting apartment and crying all night after work again, so I went home and had unprotected sex (I'm on the pill) with the office creep. He told me I have the body of a snowman and I look like a blob of ice cream on the sidewalk. He fell asleep and I cried. I hate myself so much.

Possible trigger:

I want to cut my face. I feel like the ugliest piece of **** on the planet

This isn't about ex-t. It's part of it and I think a catalyst, but it's been coming. I'm tired, i hate myself, I want out.

I don't know, what do I do when I can't do it anymore? but a little tiny part of me wants help, not even out of a desire to heal or live, but because I'm terrified?

[Tongalee]

Please call someone right now. Call a crisis line, or your therapist. I realize that your hope is gone and you're not seeing the point in life, but they can help you in this moment with this here and now pain. Please, I don't know your or your struggles and I'm not going to tell you that life is worth living because I'm not sure where you are in life if that's true. But one thing I will tell you is that there are people who are trying, and care, and they just need to know how bad things are so they can help. Please stop hurting yourself tonight, just for tonight. Take care of the wounds you've already made and put away your harming devices for tonight. Call someone and talk with them asap and then get a bit of sleep if you can. Do whatever it takes to lay your body down for at least an hour or two without the use of medication if possible. Tomorrow if a different sorry and doesn't need to be looked at right now. First thing is first, survive the night, the now. Please, push yourself to help yourself, I believe you can do it, one night at a time

[ThingWithFeathers]

Listen to Tongalee, you are in a crisis situation and you need help. There are people out there who can help you. Sometimes you just need something, anything, to shift. Please reach out

[Luce]

I don't know what to say, but I want to say something; to respond to you in some way. I wish I could say something that would HELP, or at least make your pain a little lighter than what it is, but I don't know what I could say that might do that.

I can tell you that I am another human being upon this planet, and I hear you. You are in so much pain. It was hard to read about how much hate you feel for yourself. I used to feel that way about myself a long time ago. I know how hard it can be to live when every waking second is spent thinking about ripping yourself to shreds. I am so sorry you are living through it, now.

I hear you.
I know that is not enough.

[Gavinandnikki]

Sweetie -you need to be hospitalized. You are not safe. Please, can you go? You can't continue this.

It is time to go into the hospital. Call your treatment team and tell them you are not safe on your own.

It's time to be in a safer place, PF. I get what you're saying and what you're feeling right now. When we get to this place, it's time to stop trusting what our brains are whispering to us and get to a place of safety. Call your treatment team or even better, go directly to the ER and tell them that you're not safe on your own right now. Please let others help you right now. It can change.

[LonesomeTonight]

Yes, please go to the hospital or call 911 (or whatever the # is in Canada). Or call your T, if you have a cell or emergency number. This is an emergency situation. You're disrespecting your body in multiple ways, first the cutting, now unprotected sex with someone who was cruel to you. You don't deserve that. You might believe you do, but you don't. You're a good person who is having some serious health issues. Please take care of yourself and report back.

Thinking of you and sending good energy your way. Yes – time to call your T, or check yourself into the ER. You are a good person, you have value, and don’t deserve self-punishment or cruelty from others. Please let us know how you are doing.

Sending hugs your way!!!

[IndestructibleGirl]

You are worth so, SO much more. I want to punch that guy in the face for what he's done.

Where are you now? Is there anyone with you or can you call a trusted friend or someone else like your therapist? You do need to look after the cuts - get them cleaned and possibly stitched (perhaps they will be able to bring the wounds together with steristrips?) so it does seem like you need to get yourself to hospital?

If there is nobody you want to call right now (I know it can be complex in times like this) it's evening time here in London and I have the night free, so if you want somebody to stay on the phone with you while you drive to the ER or whatnot, I can do that, if it would help at all.

You CAN get through this. You really can.

[divine1966]

Take yourself to the hospital NOW. What do you need from us to make sure you get medical help ASAP? Tell us

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[Daystrom]

It was so saddening to read that and I wish I knew of something to say or do. I only know that no one deserves that kind of pain (and that I'd like to sock that office creep right in the mouth). Please listen to what others are saying and seek someone out for help immediately. I don't know you but I know that I don't want you hurt by your own hand or anyone else's. Please try to see your own immense fundamental worth as a human being and believe that there are people out there who care about you.

[Elisabetta346]

Get to a safe place or a hospital now. I am very serious! This not okay! Please please stay safe!!!! You will get your hope back ! Please call your T or Psychiatrist. I hope you start feeling better soon!

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

Please call your T and go to the hospital. You don't deserve any of this. You deserve love, kindness and compassion. Please stay safe. Let us know how you are doing.

[eeyorestail]

Please head to the hospital. Right now you need and deserve to be safe.

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[Gavinandnikki]

Pink hasn't been on all day -so I am going to take that as hopefully she got herself to a medical facility.

I feel so badly for her, but cutting to bone and having symptoms of blood loss!!!!! She needs a hospital.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone. I ended up getting stitches in 4 of them (2 aren't that big), and lectured about how I could lose feeling in my leg or something. They redid my blood test for anemia because both this time as well as last time (last time was worse and I didn't get medical help) I lost a lot of blood. The ER here is awful. So are the psych wards though. I told them I am not going to go home and kill myself and they let me leave. My T and pdoc will be happy I actually got medical care for once.

So they let me go bec I'm seeing my pdoc anyway on Friday. New psychologist is on vacation until next week, we have an appt Tuesday. I feel bad because she said she was nervous about leaving me right now to go on her trip and I said I would be safe.

I'm afraid to tell her the extent to which I don't care about fixing myself or my life and how I just want to destroy myself until I get up the guts to end it. She knows I have been having strong suicidal thoughts and dangerous cutting but I haven't admitted that I don't really want to get better right now.

She makes me feel safer and like she really knows what she's doing but she can't make someone live who doesn't want to. Or make me stop hurting myself when I just want it to get worse. I know it has to come from me, and I'm afraid to tell her in case they decide that therapy/meds aren't helping and kick me out of the outpatient program or something and leave me with no help. I'm worried because we've been working together since February she's going to decide I'm hopeless because I'm getting worse with this. Last time I saw her before she went away she said she was worried that my SH is getting really dangerous and I'm in trouble... Now I am going to have this social worker checking on me too. I keep getting scared I'm beyond help. I'm afraid because I feel like I need it but I also feel like she's wasting her time... Does that make any sense? I want to ask if they will kick me out soon and leave me with no support, it scares me and I feel like just not going back since I obviously don't care enough about myself to get better anyway. But I still want help and don't want to be left alone with this... So much confusing contradiction.

How can I want out of life so bad but be scared at the same time? It makes no sense.

I want to tell her how desperately I don't care anymore and how I'm not even trying to follow the safety plan befire I hurt myself now because I don't care about my safety and I WANTED to hurt myself. That's not trying. But I'm afraid of being left alone with all this. I think I'm really terrified of being abandoned right now too, being shown my safety/life have no value. That's pretty much the message I got from my ex-T, even though this one seems very ethical. How do you pretty much tell someone you've given up on yourself but a small part of you wants help because you're scared?


I also keep thinking of the office creep who ripped my big patch of bandaid and gauze from my leg last night (from last time), pretty much recoiled in disgust and said, "we could tell you had issues, but you really are F***ing crazy, aren't you?"

I just took an Ativan and I'm getting drowsy so I'll respond more tomorrow.

Thanks everyone, I am not immediately suicidal, so I will be okay the next few days.

[atisketatasket]

You've mentioned a few times that it's only a small part of you that wants help. Listen to that part. It's what will get you through this.

Sending you hugs. Also, I wish I can punch that office creep.

[growlycat]

Wish I could go get you myself. You are a beautiful person who deserves care and attention. I hope you continue to reach out even though you feel you've done all you can tonight. Please don't let it get worse alone.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm so afraid to say I've given up. what if they tell me I'm on my own because it's hopeless now? How do you help someone who WANTS to hurt themselves ?

I'm scared to trust anyone. I don't want to be abandoned again and shown how little my life matters again so soon.

[growlycat]

I've been there too. Keep asking for help until you get what you need.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It can be exhausting to seek the right care. You can give yourself a break for the night. Just don't give up on yourself!!!!

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks so much. I'm just going to tell myself that new therapist will help me and not hurt me. She has been so understanding and kind about it so far and said she's not holding anything against me.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone for your concern yesterday. You showed so much warmth. I am sti going to respond to your comments but I still feel exhausted. I know I'm not okay. I know I'm not safe. I know I should probably be in a hospital, but we don't really have inpatient here and the psych wards are basically prisons just for short term.

I will talk to pdoc on friday and new t on tuesday. I'll tell new t how bad things are. She already knows they are bad and I don't feel safe, but I'll tell her that I don't care about my safety anymore. And I'll go along with what they want/suggest and even let that social worker check on me. Because I'm scared.