[MissCharlotte]

We have touched on this topic in other posts, and I know it is a tender spot for many of us. I wonder how you handle the phone calls that you may make to your T in between sessions. Do you make the calls? Is it difficult? Does your T respond? Do you ever ask for extra sessions or just to talk? This isn't a checklist, but I was just wondering.

My experience has been (mostly) positive with making contact with T when I need to. I have called on a few occasions when working through something difficult/challenging that I needed his support for. When I call he (usually) calls back within the day. I say usually because twice in the begining of our relationship he didn't call back until the next day but then he was very quick to apologize and say he dropped the ball. I called him on this behavior in session and it hasn't happened again. I have all of his phone numbers (office, cell, home). I never have to go though someone like a receptionist or answering service. I would find that very difficult indeed.

There seem to be three different contexts for my calls. One is right after a session when I am feeling extremely close to some trauma and need to process. It's almost like a delayed reaction from the session. This happened two or three times. The other context is similar but a couple of days later, when I really feel like I can't make it to the next session without contact. I have done this maybe twice. The third context is when I call for an extra session in betwen. I have done this 3 times. Twice my request was met, once it wasn't due to schedule--that felt like a rejection.

When we speak on the phone it feels awkward to me. I have to get myself in the mode of talking to him without the setting of his office or the comfy chair to set the tone. We speak for about 5 or 10 minutes and then he ends the call. It is usually a tremendous help for me to speak with him when I am feeling so disconnected or unsafe in some way. It holds me until our next session.

When i ask for an extra session I do it in the context of his weekend schedule. I know he works some weekends, but not all and if he can, he accommodates me.

When I make the call to him, I suffer while I am waiting for the return call becaue I fully expect at any moment for him to tell me that I am calling too much or he can't accommodate me. I expect him not to be there for me just like my parents were not there for me. It is excruciating.

This morning I called at 7:30 and left a message requesting an extra appointment this weekend. I have been working through some very difficult stuff and feel quite fragile and emotional (a good time for therapy I suppose). I didn't feel like I could make it till Tuesday in one piece. I had no idea whether he would be around or not. He called me back this afternoon and offered me a Sunday appointment. Whew!

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sister said:

When I make the call to him, I suffer while I am waiting for the return call becaue I fully expect at any moment for him to tell me that I am calling too much or he can't accommodate me. I expect him not to be there for me just like my parents were not there for me. It is excruciating.


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Exactly how I feel when I call my therapist. "Excruciating" is the exact term for the wait for the call back. And the "expect at any moment for [my therapist] to tell me I am calling too much......like my parents were not there for me." That part has stopped me from calling more than half the time...

and the reasons i need to call back...i think i can agree exactly about your first two reasons. the immediately after-session discomfort need and the can't make it til next session need. i think only 3 or 4 times in the past three years I've asked for an extra session in a call.

also talking on the phone always feels awkward to me...always. and sometimes i end up feeling worse! it is easier for me to misunderstand my T's voice/tone/intentions on the phone...than when my T is sitting in front of me...and so I get hurt easier on the phone.

my T usually calls back when I tell her I need her to. sometimes i call...but she isn't certain whether I need her to call back or not, because I haven't indicated it.

or i say something like: "If you want to or need to call me back" ... making it for her to decide...when I probably should say I need her to.

so we tried to make it that, in order to speak my needs, I should not really expect her to call unless I specifically and directly request it....sometimes that hurts....because it is so hard to ask for it sometimes (because of how I dislike myself and think i deserve nothing)

so the response is a mixed thing.

it is a harder thing now...since that I'm in the middle of trying to get back into therapy with her after almost a 3 month break...and i'm getting more anxious because i haven't really talked to her for a while and wonder if things will be "broken" when i return.

[Perna]

When I've called, I usually mangle whatever it is I'm trying to say (assuming I have something coherent I want to say :-) but get listened to but gently pushed toward "we'll talk about it next session". My T isn't big on out-of-session work. Presumably, the "pressure" helps get things going for in session and I agree with that for me.

I have called this T twice and both times she called me back. Now however, I see it as an indicator to myself that whatever is on my mind needs further thought and exploration by me for now, and I will write about it / journal instead. So far that seems to work. One of my issues is panic and not giving myself room around my emotions, not exploring the many options and explanations for things, so this helps me to do that too, by continuing to think and to write about it.

I just came from session a few minutes ago. For once I felt able to articulate. Unfortunately I felt like I was competing with her for "floor time". Maybe because she is used to nudging me.. lol dragging me... or maybe she was just having a time where she wasn't giving things room herself, or maybe there was just a lot there and she wanted to stay on some things a few minutes before I went off another direction. Anyway, it was a good session, very good.. but it seemed messy, disorganized.

Oh. Ha! For the last few sessions her disorganized room has bugged me and I've almost said something. Looks like it was bugging me again today, from the way I describe the session.

I also mentioned issues about my son's perpetually messy room when he was young during this session. She has lots of little toys on shelves for kids' therapy and when talking about my son's room I said we had gone to McDonald's a lot and had lots of 'those little crappy toys" from there. oops! lol

[MissCharlotte]

Echoes,

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Now however, I see it as an indicator to myself that whatever is on my mind needs further thought

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Yes, I feel the same about what I am "percolating" (as secret would say). However, what happens to me is that my mind takes trips beyond the horizon and I can't get it back into appropriate bounds. I fear that I am asking for too much from T or asking for too much support. Altlhough I journal, it's just not enough. I am working on connecting with others so I need a real live human to work with right now!

[MissCharlotte]

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so the response is a mixed thing.

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Ipse,

I really get this. Right now I feel like I should have been able to last until Tuesday. Oh, goodness, what is wrong with me that I can't make it one week?

I hope you are able to reconnect with T. It's all about the connection.

[SecretGarden]

Ipse... I am so pleased that you are working to reconnect with your T. I know that you miss her and you would like to get back to seeing her.

[SecretGarden]

Sister... I think that you are indeed percolating right now. Perhaps your T senses this need for you to start releasing what you are beginning to release. Sometimes we feel like we should be able to wait a week... and sometimes we can and that is difficult. I think that you should leave that up to your T and if it concerns you you can discuss it further at your meeting.

I have been amazed (and maybe jealous) at how many people are able communicate with their T's between session. I believe that this partially has to do with the individual T and also with where the client is in their journey and in the treatment modality that has been chosen.

My pdoc would be similar to what Perna describes. He has frustrated me but does allow that it is an equal opportunity thing that he provides for all of his patients. He wishes all work to be done within the room within his guidelines. I know that he does this actually to protect himself... as well as keeping the boundaries intact. That being said...I have seen him emergently... probably less than 4-5 times in 15 years. He tells me that I can call him at home when I am ready to go to the hospital. His phone message will not allow messages on the weekends and during the week messages can not exceed 1 minute in length. What a butthead. But I respect what he gives me in session and I have needed to call him about medicine failures and the like and he is attentive though I keep my words to a minimum. I recall years ago calling him and he said that people feel bad... and I would need to live with it until at least we met again. Feeling bad was no excuse to call him. That was not easy to hear but it was probably what I needed to hear. It was also a protective mechanism for his own wellbeing. I get it.

There was a time that he got a new fax machine that was connected to his phone. For some reason we were on the phone about something and he asked me to fax him something and faxed me something at work. He even slipped and called back and called himself by his first name... what a slip. LOL... I took the opportunity to respond in kind. Flustered him. However.... now that I know he has that fax... I type up what I need ... like a bill, or an emotional crisis and fax it. I do not do it often but ... I asked and he is o.k. with it.

Oh by the way... I am now being seen weekly after being seen every two weeks... so that is good... and I am pleased about it... He evidently sees that I am percolating and I feel it.

So... after all of my gabbing.. I tell you ... that you need to find what works for you and your T. This may indeed be the right time for you to be seen again... He sees you percolating.... so perk.

i've only called once. i was like 'PLEASE have an answerphone message PLEASE have an answerphone message' and he did :-) and it was in his voice :-) that was what i really needed...

i txt message him lol. i can email, but he won't really respond by email. thats ok (so long as he doesn't promise to respond by email). phone is hard... i don't like phone... i wouldn't like to talk to him on the phone... but txt messages are pretty cool :-)

maybe i'll get better at the phone thing, though. i guess ideally i'd give him a quick call if the trauma stuff was hard. to kind of refuel and help me reorient. but i dunno... i guess if i'm calling i should probably call the dr's rooms and go via secretary... but i dunno...

I have called a couple of times... found out that I would rather have him leave me a msg. back, rather than talk to him.

He has never failed to call me back.

He enourages me to call for whatever reason I need to, whenever I need to.

I told him today that I can't deal with phone sessions. I couldn't figure out why.

Then at the end of our session, I told him how amazing it is when he looks at me while I'm talking-- an expression of interest unlike anything I have ever seen before.

Guess that's why I can't deal with phone sessions.

[sunrise]

I thought you were only supposed to call your T to cancel and reschedule sessions. I didn't know you could call for support until I started reading people's posts about that here in the psychotherapy forum. I called my T several times between our first and second session way back when to try to set up the appointment for session 2. Then I called a few months later to cancel a session due to snow. He called right back. I called a couple of months ago the day after therapy to reassure him that I was OK and he needn't do anything drastic (I had become scared he was going to make some calls to third parties that I didn't want him to make.) He called back a few hours later. Then last week, I called him to request an individual session, since I was now only doing couples, and he never called back, even after a whole week.

I really don't like to call him because of fear of his not calling back, fear of rejection.

I am not a phone person at all, so really don't view the phone as a means of getting support. My conversations with T over the phone have not felt "connected" and that is a little hurtful (and not due to any lack on his part). I would rather wait for the real thing in session.

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Oh by the way... I am now being seen weekly after being seen every two weeks... so that is good...

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SecretGarden, that's great!

[DePressMe]

One time I left a message for my T letting her know I was okay because she knew I was having a difficult time and I did not want her to worry. Other than that I do not call—I guess I am a little scared to do it. She gave me her email a few weeks ago and I have emailed her once. Again, mainly to let her know I am okay. I think it is hard for me to take any of her time outside of session—I feel guilty. Maybe that translates into I don’t feel worthy of her time. In our last session I got some reinforcement that emailing was okay. I just needed to hear her say it was okay and I wanted to be clear on what the boundaries are for emailing. We agreed that I can email when I want as long as I don’t expect a long reply. I also agreed that if I needed a reply from her, that I would ask for one. That made me feel better. But, I am still not to the point where I can pick up the phone and call…unless it is to cancel a session or something.

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SecretGarden said:
Ipse... I am so pleased that you are working to reconnect with your T. I know that you miss her and you would like to get back to seeing her.

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well after i saw her for about 2 minutes this past Wednesday to give her the list of questions i have...i feel more anxious. and i'm wondering how "motivated" she will be to actually answer and return my questions. because once I get her answers back, I'm going to call and say i want to make an appointment.

i have tried to keep the questions very simple, these questions. i even made them in format with the word: YES and NO below the question or the numbers 0 through 10 listed below, for the "on the scale of 0 to 10..." questions. so all she had to do is read the question and circle the answer.

there are just 2 questions where i ask her to write out an answer,including the last question on the list: "Seriously, why do you care about what happens to me?"

waiting for this feels like waiting for her to return my phone call.

and i'm anxious about how our therapeutic relationship will be when or if i resume fully. i fear i may have broken things or things will be broke when i get back and nothing can fix it (like humpty-dumpty falling off the wall).

I was thinking of walking into our first return session with an egg in my hand and breaking it in my hand and saying this is how i feel and question how she or anyone could ever fix the mess that is me........but i suppose I'll likely dispense with these theatrics. it would be messy to have egg all over my hand and i'd probably ruin her rugs and chair.

[MissCharlotte]

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I just needed to hear her say it was okay

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<font color="blue"> DePressMe,

I get this feeling so much. I also wanted to know it was okay to call. I think this is a transference of a parent figure for us. We need permission to contact them. I think my T would like me to just do what I need to do and he will let me know if I am overstepping bounds but that feels so dangerous to me, as i don't want to overstep at all! If he told me I was overstepping then I would feel humiliated. grrrr, this is difficult isn't it?

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cheers!

<font color="#008800"> Hey sister, I just wanted to add that I didn't mean we shouldn't call. Truth be known there are many times (like now) that I want to call but can't. Wouldn't know what to say cuz I'm not even sure what's up.

I don't feel I deserve extra contact with her. I have a hard enough time feeling worthy when I am there. </font>

[DePressMe]

Yes, sister, it is hard to know when to call. I am glad that I had enough guts to just ask her what was okay--ask her what she expected and what I could expect in return.

[jbug]

I have to call my T everyday even on the weekends right now. He told me I had to do that. Right now I am waiting for him to call me back and its about to drive me nuts. I want him to call me back because I really need to talk to him. I told him I was out here at my parents house and gave him their phone number but when I still haven't heard from him I got all freaky and thought I didn't leave him their message so just called him again to leave them their number. I hate that I have to call him everyday.

Jbug

[MissCharlotte]

((Jannie))

You are taking care of yourself and keeping yourself safe. Good Job!

[amuseable]

Oh my goodness I always apologixe profusely whenever I call my T and it is usually quite brief. I am not allowed to e-mail him or phone him out of his office hours no matter what and i kind of feel a bit jealous that one of you ahs a T that wants you to phone everyday. I have been seriously suicidal previously and still don't call him much. I know I can. I just have trouble remembering he cares about me and plus I feel so bad for taking up his time with phonecalls,

[lauren_helene]

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janniebug said:
I have to call my T everyday even on the weekends right now. He told me I had to do that. Right now I am waiting for him to call me back and its about to drive me nuts. I want him to call me back because I really need to talk to him. I told him I was out here at my parents house and gave him their phone number but when I still haven't heard from him I got all freaky and thought I didn't leave him their message so just called him again to leave them their number. I hate that I have to call him everyday.

Jbug

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I hope everything is alright. I haven't been able to follow posts like I usually do. I hope he called you. hang in there