Therapist Forgot My Appointment

After being diagnosed with depression and put on middling doses of mild antidepressants that did more harm than good for five years, I found a psychiatrist who actually paid attention to my symptoms and began treating me for Bipolar II Disorder with low doses of lithium and Prozac to start.

Previous pdocs have rushed me in and out of their offices as quickly as possible, cancelled on me multiple times, fell asleep and took calls during appointments, were late for no reason, and generally paid no mind to anything I was telling them, so I was thrilled (as thrilled as one can be when getting a BPII dx) that I was actually being heard. The doctor is a member of a psych practice and said that the front desk would set me up with a therapist that I would see weekly in addition to my medication treatment.

I met the therapist last week and we had a good introductory session where I told her about my family history, my own reasons for coming, and that I was wary of therapy because previous psychologists had treated me poorly/didn't bother to care about what I was telling them so I'd have to repeat lengthy, pivotal stories every week. I also told her that I had strong suicidal ideations as a result of my disorder + being improperly medicated (hey, Effexor!) and she said that "everyone does, it's human," which I felt was very dismissive.

She said that she didn't like to stay late, but she would if I needed to make appointments in the evening (I thought that was tacky because it made me feel bad to ask for an appointment at 6:45 and made me feel like she'd be sitting there counting down the minutes each time because she wanted to go home). I had everything set up for an evening appointment today but had to change to a morning option she had also given me, which I did 6 days in advance of today's scheduled appointment.

I got to the office a few minutes in advance of our 9:30 appointment and it was completely locked. I knocked and waited, and went to another floor of the building where their main reception desk is and they said someone just went up to open the door. Okay, fine. I go and there's no record of me on the appointment list for today, which I thought nothing of because the time had been changed. After waiting a few minutes, and the therapist not arriving, the receptionist called her and she said she forgot all about my appointment and wanted to speak to me. She apologized but I didn't care. I just hung up on her out of anger.

I can't even PAY someone to listen to me talk about my problems. They set me up with someone else for next week (they seemed shocked that I didn't want to stay with the same one) but I have no faith. I also talked briefly with a psychiatrist in the practice today about some side effects I'm having from lithium and he tried to make jokes about my therapist forgetting about me. He tried to pull the "everyone's human" card, which I told him would not fly because it's unconscionable to simply not show up for an appointment.

I will be filing a complaint against this therapist with my state licensing board. Do I have to let her know that this has been done? What recourse do I have when I literally even pay someone to listen to me. I'm 28 years old and completely giving up on ever feeling better beyond what meds can do.

I'd appreciate some actual advice and ways to feel better instead of posts telling me to forgive my therapist and listen to her side of things. I am not concerned about HER feelings, since she can't even be bothered to get out of bed for me; I am concerned about my own mental health.

I am so sorry to hear this, lavalamp. I completely 100% understand the pain you're feeling and why you're so angry. I would have the same reaction. Do you have to stick with a therapist chosen by your psychiatrist? I would leave the therapist practice altogether and find your own. I'm not sure if that's possible for you or not. I guess I don't have any really good advice, but just know I understand and appreciate what you're feeling.

The thing about a t making a mistake like this is - i would guess that you were raised by the same strict standard? I was. Unconscionable was one of my favorite words at work - but people told me i misused it. I cut other people the same slack that i was given by my parents, which was none. It was their way or the highway. I hope you will give a t another chance.

I also hope you give your T another chance. It might have been one bad instance. If it happens again, then you could find someone else.

File a complaint over one missed appointment? Seems a bit over the top. Perhaps your reaction is as much about your other bad experiences than this one incident?

The therapist wanted to speak to you personally and apologize which seems like a therapist who is willing to admit her error and would probably be careful not to make that mistake again, but since you terminated hopefully the next therapist will not make any errors. I doubt it though. I know you don't want to hear this, but mistakes happen. You had a therapist who was trying to accommodate your schedule and messed up, probably because it was completely out of her regular routine. It is unfortunate, but it wouldn't have been a fatal error for most people, particularly if this was the first and only time this had happened.

What happened to you - and what has been happening to you, is horrible. But don't give up on yourself. There are good psychiatrists and good therapists out there. It is really bad that you've run into a slew of them, but I promise you that there are good ones.

My first therapist did a lot of damage to me. Dismissive, condescending, critical, withholding, just didn't 'get it.' When I finally made the move to get a new therapist, of course it would take a little while to figure out how I felt about the relationship. But I was very raw, still in a lot of pain from the damage I carried with me. So with my new therapist, I'd only seen her a few times. She set another appointment with me for the following week. I showed up, and she was not there. I waited, and as each minute passed I was increasingly dissolving into a hurting puddle. After about 15 min. and summoning all the courage I could, I called her on her cell phone. I was scared to death - anticipated being told I was wrong about the appointment, etc. But, when I finally got it out that I thought we had an apt., I could hear it in her voice - she was just stunned. She remembered. And she felt terrible. She apologized profousely and told me that if I still wanted to see her (as in if I wasn't so upset that I wanted to quit), that my next session would be at no cost. I decided to see her again. When we met the next week, she again apologized. At some point later in time, it came up again and she noted that doing that kind of thing is one of the cardinal sins for therapists to commit. I told her that in contrast, her reaction to my call actually did me a lot of good, because it was so opposite of what I was afraid of hearing - so opposite of what my toxic therapist would have said.

Just wanted to share that experience with you.

hi lavalamp,
im so sorry that this happened to you. therapists are human beings and can make mistakes . Mistakes happen in life. my therapist never forgets that I have an appointment with her . your therapist should have the common decency to call you that she forgot that she scheduled a session with you. my therapist knows when I see her cuz she gives me her appointment card that has the time and the date when my next appointment is w her .
always double check with your therapist about the date and time when your session is with her .






Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistaril 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

Mine has forgotten mine 5 times now and twice has double booked me and after all of that I kind of snapped at him which takes a lot for me ,because normally I will just punish myself for everything although I still did that anyway he hasn't done it since but I am still wary and I still panic everytime I wait outside his office because it makes me so nervous. I think you should tell her how you feel but I do understand sometimes an apology doesn't cut it.

Actually, I was going in for the original time that she offered me when she said she didn't want to stay late. Guess she didn't want to come in early either. Or, more likely, there's something about me that every therapist runs away from.

The responses saying she should get another chance really trouble me. I have intense suicidal ideation and she knows this. I'm less than two weeks into a new medication regimen and have been having some side effects, which she also knows. The onus was on her to act like she gave a damn about my mental health and she failed the first time out. I can't possibly trust her if this is how careless she is. She's almost as bad as the psychiatrist who said she strongly preferred email and didn't respond for nearly a week (she wasn't on vacation, just didn't do it) when I needed a refill and to schedule an appointment.

I'm hopeful that the guy I'm seeing next week will be better, but don't really have that much faith left. At this point I would rather check myself in for institutional care because at least therapy occurs on regular schedules there.

I personally feel like you should cut the T slack for one mistake. I think mine double-booked me once and I had to change times (she called about that though--was before I got there), though that was after I'd been seeing her for a while. I understand based on your past experiences that you don't want to--but it's good to give second chances, especially if she was apologetic about it. And both my T and marriage counselor have had to cancel last minute due to illness or family emergency, and while that was difficult in some cases (I really needed that appointment a couple times), I understood. Then again, I'm a pretty forgiving person, and hope that others will be equally forgiving of me. I'm much harder on myself than I am on other people, partly due to how I was brought up.

Sounds like you have your mind made up--I'd definitely discuss this with your next T. Good luck!

First off, I totally understand how hurt this would have made you feel. When you're feeling terrible about everything and yourself and the one person who is supposed to be there forgets about you (and that's painful in itself, to be forgotten,) you're going to have all the negative feelings you ever had about yourself and other people reignited.

Having said that, I think your therapist probably knows how much she screwed up, and I think you might find it surprisingly reassuring to work through this with her. All your feelings are totally valid, but you might be surprised at how they can change when they are responded to therapeutically.

However, if she makes a habit of this (ie, ever does it again), or tries to minimize your feelings rather than helping you through them, then changing therapists is advisable, IMO.

One of the big things in therapy is consistency and reliability. Forgetting people undermines all of that.

I'm sorry that happened, and sorry for all the past history that has made this so upsetting for you.

But...if you file a complaint, it will be dismissed. Look at your state's licensure database and see what therapists get disciplined for. Sex with clients. Inappropriate dual relationships. Insurance fraud. Missing one appointment is bad, but it is not a matter for discipline.

I'm saying this not to say you're overreacting or wrong - I'd be majorly PO'd if it happened to me - but if you file a complaint and it gets dismissed, it will make it even harder for you to seek help and trust any mental health provider you might see in the future. You will feel the whole profession is against you even more than you do now.

I completely understand your frustration and upset at your therapist missing your appointment, but I think that it's a mistake to jump immediately to notifying the board of her wrongdoings/mistake. Think about the possible repercussions on you too, sounds like you're working with an agency that has multiple therapists under one general managing. If it was processed that this complaint had little merit to it, you could be seen as a difficult patient making other therapists reluctant to work with you. But I also understand you're going to do what you think is best for the situation, I just hope you sleep on it.

You know I'd also feel bad if my T forgot an appointment and I would also experience "everyone does" as dismissive. That sucks. I'm sorry it happened to you.

But unconscionable? Really? Perhaps disorganized. Or rude. Or scatterbrained. Or maybe just human. But I think save unconscionable for truly awful, unethical, malicious or violent behaviour.

It's important to be able to say to a T (or to yourself) "right now I'm so vulnerable that this type of mistake feels just devastating to me."

You can have compassion for your own justifiable feelings of distress without telling yourself that you were severely wronged. In this way you can also learn compassion and patience for the imperfections of others.

I totally understand you are upset but am a bit surprised you said you filing complaint? If she did it often sure but that was one time. Things happen, people forget things and she was sorry.
I don't think they will investigate if it's one time. Give her another chance?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well in all candor I think the way for you to feel better is to skip the complaint.

If you file a complaint, this matter will be with you for a long time. It will continue to draw your attention as relevant procedural deadlines approach. You will go over and over the incident in your mind and on paper. And, in the end, as others have said, the T will not be disciplined for this error, further compounding your frustration.

Forgiveness doesn't mean listening to her side of things. Her apology says that there is no "her side", she screwed up and she admits it and is sorry. Forgiveness means accepting her apology and letting the resentment go. That is the way, in my opinion, to feel better in this situation.

I'm sorry that the psychiatrist made jokes about it. Being forgotten isn't funny. That's one reason that the therapist apologized.

I understand your pain. It gets to be the final straw, and it cuts really deep when you keep running into mh professionals like this (I find it more common with pdocs, though, and have learned to not care). After all that, it would be hard to give this particular one a second chance. I would just move on to the next one and hope for better. I wouldn't file a complaint, though. Not over this.

That's what I've done. I let her know that she broke an important trust bond way too early on and that I couldn't continue to feel safe seeing her. I was referred to another psychologist in the practice and hopefully he'll...I dunno, show up? I've lost all faith that therapy can help, because the more honest I am with therapists, the flightier and less dedicated to professionalism they seem to be, but if I'm paying for someone to go to the motions with me, I at least want them to put up their end of the bargain :P.

I hope you have better luck with the new psychologist!

I was reading your posts and it made me think about how any therapist probably has a hard time working with people who walk in with the notion that therapy won't work, or with so limited a capacity to allow other people to make mistakes that any error will be fatal to the relationship.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have moved on, it's always your choice to move on as you please, and to pick a therapist who suits you.

All I'm saying is that if you're waiting for people to fail, you will never be disappointed. It's just a matter of working out how much failure you can tolerate, and how much you should tolerate, which is personal to you.

Hopefully you can find a therapist you like enough to forgive the inevitable mis-steps. (And one whose mis-steps are not serious or harmful to you.)

I don't think it is too much to expect the therapist to just show up for your appointment. It seems really sloppy and unprofessional to me to forget about a client like that. I hope things go better with the new one. Maybe at least this one will show up.

I would be upset too. If my current T would forget an appointment, I would be very angry and hurt, but I wouldn't quit seeing her. But if a new T would forget an appointment, I would quit and look for another T. I think I couldn't trust her/him.
I was once forgetten. It was my first day of grouptherapy and the T was supposed to get me, but she forgot. I felt so ashamed. And I've never been able to trust her.
So if you would feel like that, then you've probably made the right decision.

I hope your new T will be good for you. I understand about losing faith in therapy. I've lost that too. I now have a good T and pdoc, after years of T's who didn't care or didn't really know what they were doing.

The same thing happened to me for what it's worth. My therapist forgot our appointment, completely. I waited 45 minutes and then left and drove away. So it's not just you. People make mistakes.

You should go back and talk to her about it... let her apologize, see what happens.

This actually happened to me, so I know the feeling of being "forgotten" first hand. I made an appointment with a new therapist and arrived 15 minutes early. I sat outside on a bench and people watched. When it was a few minutes before the scheduled appointment, I went into the office. I sat for 15 minutes with no one coming out of the offices. Finally, a woman popped her head out of one of the offices and asked who I was there to see. When I told her, she said, "You must have gotten the time incorrect. He left about 10 minutes ago." I left and when I got back home, 45 minutes from the office, I sent an email to him asking what happened. He replied back with an apology, accepting full blame for not seeing the scheduled appointment. He then asked if I wanted to re-schedule. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and re-scheduled. Funny thing is, when I met him at the next appointment, I realized that he was one of the "people" I'd been watching while sitting outside the office. He walked right by me. He recognized me too LOL

We didn't end up clicking, and I moved on after a few sessions, but I did appreciate that he profusely apologized and regretted blanking on the scheduled appointment. I get it that it hurts to be overlooked, but if you're human, you know that we ALL make mistakes and screw up sometimes. I don't know about you, but I sure know that I've let people I care about down at times. It doesn't just have to be "forgetting" an appointment with them, it can be any act of forgetfulness or rudeness. If I kept letting people down and disappointing them then I don't deserve their respect or friendship. But if I apologize for my inappropriate behavior and make every effort to correct my behavior, then I appreciate them understanding and giving me another try.

Sometimes we expect professionals to be above making mistakes, but that is next to impossible. But if they KEEP making mistakes and show disregard for how their behavior impacts you, then you definitely need to move on and find a new professional service provider. One thing I've learned is that living in a world where everything is black or white or right or wrong, with no gray areas in-between, is a harsh impossible world, and trying to live by those impossible rules is bound to bring a boatload of disappointment my way because no one can live up to those impossibly high standards every minute of the day.

I think sometimes people have so much going on so
They just can't remember. I once drove to my nephew's birthday party on a wrong day, two weeks earlier. Who knows why? It's my nephew that I love and am close to. My brother once forgot my birthday and once my daughters birthday ( we still joke about it), I couple of times forgot to turn things in at work. Etc etc we Are professional people and are not evil or careless. Right now I work two jobs on some weeks it adds up to 70 hours. I forget and lose things, I am overwhelmed. That just happens. Maybe something is on your t mind?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm sorry this happened to you.

My very first appointment with my t, he double-booked by mistake, and asked if I would mind rescheduling since the previous client had scheduled first. He apologized and admitted his mistake. Even though I was less than pleased, we rescheduled.

I've been with him two years now, and he's the best therapist I've ever worked with.

One other time, when I changed to a different time slot over the phone, he forgot my appointment. I was less than pleased, and this time let him know. He handled it professionally, and we were fine.

I'm sharing just to let you know that mistakes don't mean a therapist doesn't care - it may just mean they are juggling 30 people a week, outside responsibilities, etc. and like all of us, screw up sometimes. Therapeutically, how they handle it and how you work through things together is what helps in the long run.

Good luck with your next one. It does seriously suck when being forgotten happens.