How brutally honest does your therapist get?

I want to post about me but I'm also openly asking, so anyone please feel free to share about your therapists, too. But I seem to be under the wrong impression of what therapy is about, as my therapist has been explaining to me that it's his job to react to me genuinely, whether that is getting defensive or calling me out on things (in this case it was calling me a hypocrite), that therapy is tough sometimes and he "guarantees" that all therapists will eventually challenge you on behaviors and thoughts when they become apparent.

I guess I thought that therapists don't react like others in the "real world"...not that patients can go in there and be abusive or literally say whatever they want without repercussions. But I really didn't know that therapists will fight with you (i.e. saying "well if you can do it to me, why can't I do it to you? You have your set of rules for yourself but you expect others to follow different rules and you're going to run into a whole lot of problems with personal relationships being that way"). I'm not sure if I just don't like what I'm hearing so I'm taking it as personal attacks even though it's true, or if my therapist isn't using tactics that are helpful to me. He even went as far as to say that I stayed in an extremely tumultuous, often abusive environment growing up (as an adult, I did stay even after I turned 18) because I was part of the "dance" of the fighting, that most people even with anxiety will flee a toxic environment, but the fact that I didn't do that means I played a role in the toxicity.

And for those who have responded to me and advised I get out of this therapy situation and might be doing this I'm sorry...maybe I am doing exactly what he says I am, staying and playing a part in the fight. I keep going back because he's very convincing that I have these major problems that are coming out in therapy and he's only trying to help me recognize it. I keep feeling like I want to leave, but then he says that I can try to find a conflict-free therapist but he guarantees that eventually they all will call me out on my problematic behaviors.

So the original question, how have your therapists challenged you and has it been helpful? Have they been brutally honest that felt like attacks but were valid?

My therapist is very honest, but I would never class her honesty as brutal. She's always been kind, even when pointing out flawed reasoning on my side. She's never treated me poorly or reacted in an unhelpful manner. I've never had my therapist fight with me or say anything like your examples.

My therapist is honest with me and will point out when she sees patterns in my behavior that may be causing me problems. When she does that, it's usually something like "I'm seeing a pattern here where x happens and you do y, why do you think that is?" Or "did you notice how you automatically reacted with abc?" She's also honest with me when she thinks I need more help - reminding me to contact my pdoc or whatever she thinks might be helpful in that moment.

My therapist is brutally honest. Often painfully so. But it always helps.

My T is also very honest. She always tells me things respectfully, compassionately, and with grace. Never in a million years would she call me a name, like a hypocrite or even insinuate that I was one. She doesn't get defensive with me, or challenging, either because she is comfortable with disagreement and wanting to understand my perspective on some of my thoughts and behaviors.

I agree when your T say therapy is tough. It's tough as hell sometimes. And maybe your T is right in "guaranteeing" that all therapists will challenge a client eventually. What he doesn't seem to get is that challenging a client can be done without creating conflict or adding fuel to an already flaming hot fire.

My therapist might question something I say, but she isn't antagonistic or challenging in the way yours it. Not even close.

I'm not sure what you mean by behaviors. If I verbally attacked my therapist, she would probably address that, but I have no idea what that would look. The only therapist I saw who was the way you describe your therapist was someone I saw maybe three times. It's not normal or helpful.

I'm comfortable enough with my mine now that he'll tell me his honest opinion, sometimes very bluntly. I don't remember him being quite as blunt in the past. So he won't hesitate to straight up tell me "Hey, you say you're done with dealing with your dysfunctional family dynamic but you keep going back to that toxic environment thinking something will change or you can control something by doing so."

He's never defensive, and never mean spirited though. And he doesn't put the blame on me ever--just has to keep telling me that I can control what happens to me and how I take care of myself. I've never felt attacked. It sounds like your T has tried to take on a role that isn't what a therapist is meant to do. I don't think it's helpful at all to tell a client that basically they need to fix their personality or they're going to have problems in relationships. And I certainly don't think saying "If you can do it to me, why can't I do it to you?" is helpful in the slightest way! That sounds so immature in my opinion. Even if he was saying that to a friend, it's beyond immature. There are more helpful ways to challenge a client and their behaviors.

Don't let him try to guilt you into changing. Guilt is no good. And as someone who has come from a tumultuous environment and is still a part of the "dance" even 200 some miles away as I'm about to graduate from college, don't you dare let him make you feel guilt or shame for that (and I mean that in a kind way). You had no role in it just because you stayed. I'm 2 and a half years into therapy and I'm still unlearning all of the dysfunctional thinking, and I still haven't taken any drastic measures to completely remove myself from it. My therapist would never in a million years place the blame on me though. I don't know you personally, but that makes me so mad that he would say that to you. Please, please know that you should not be blamed for that.

Anyway, this was long, but yes, I have been challenged quite a bit by my T. But no, they never felt like attacks. I would definitely find a new T, and know that they might call you out on behaviors, but they should never make you feel guilty for them. Challenged, but not guilty. It's a fine line (even though your T crossed it by 5 miles).

My therapist is never brutal. It's also part of his way of working that he does not regard himself as any sort of authority about my life. I would feel very uncomfortable with a therapist who was argumentative and made guarantees about the behavior of other people. I also wouldn't welcome a therapist "challenging" me. It sounds way too authoritarian for me.

Your situation sounds hard - he sounds defensive and difficult, but I know it can be very hard to move on. Though it's sort of strange that he seems to be suggesting you stayed in a previous bad situation longer than you should have in the past, and yet appears to be suggesting to you that your current problems are all your fault and getting out of your situation with him won't help you. It sounds like he's discouraging you from listening to the wisdom you have within yourself.

My T can often be pretty honest with me. It's hurt a couple times, like when I was in a rough place and just wanted validation, and she was trying to challenge my thinking. I talked to her about it either the next session or sent an e-mail later, and that helped. I think having a few discussions about that has made our relationship stronger. And I think she realizes now that sometimes I just need someone to listen and be there for me, not challenge me.

My marriage counselor challenges me on occasion, but usually does it in a more...gentle fashion, like less blunt than T. He's had a few moments though... But I've found it's best to bring things like that up if I'm upset so we can work through them.

With your situation, though, it sounds like you've tried talking about it some with your T, and it doesn't seem to be helping. Like he's being defensive and clinging to his point of view, rather than trying to see your side of things. So I'm not sure in that case...

My T is honest with me but she has never been confrontational. She has also never really had to point out any negative thought patterns or behavioral issues; that isnt something I struggle with. She did, however, express concern a few years ago when I-- briefly-- rekindled a relationship with my ex. She made it clear that she didn't think it was in my best interests-- and, honestly, I didn't disagree.I knew it was "dumb" but it was a fun month or two, which is what I wanted at the time! So what my T said didn't hurt my feelings. She also didn't question my judgment-- she just asked me to explain what I was looking for and why. After I gave her my answer, she said "okay" and continued to let me handle my choices on my own.

My T is very honest. She has only started to 'challenge' me in the last couple of sessions but she does not speak in the manner that your T appears to. She might kindly point out what appear to be inconsistencies in my stories, but I appreciate it because I get to see how a 'normal person' takes the things I say and I also get a chance to explain properly so that it makes sense to her. It also helps me understand better why am ok with X one day but can't tolerate it the next.

Agreed 100%.

I've only been with my T for about 6 months, but she so far has been pretty honest and direct with me, but NEVER in an unkind way.

They don't. I would not allow it. I don't go to them for brutality of any sort.
I am not particularly concerned about honesty or genuineness from a therapist. I think they are mostly actors guessing at ****. Their idea of honesty does not impress me.

My T is honest with me but never brutal. She knows I am sensitive and it would not help me. I do like that she is genuinely honest with me without being mean.

Boulder, what form of psychotherapy does your therapist use? Is he a gestaltist? He sounds very confrontive.

My T is genuine and honest. She challenges me from time to time but in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

My understanding is therapy is all about the client's needs...the T's needs, not so much...outside of keeping the appointment time and payment. This is your therapy...not T's.

For example, one session my therapist pointed out that I have a lack of affectionate, nurturing relationships in my life. I felt that he was stating the obvious, that I am painfully aware that I don't have enough close caring relationships, and it only stung me to hear it, and I told him that it didn't help. He took pretty great offense to me saying that, and said that I seem to think I can tell people what they can and cannot say and that's going to be another issue in my life with personal relationships. In my latest session, I brought up the last time when he mirrored back something I said in what I felt was a snotty way, and he jumped on me using the word "snotty" because he never said I was snotty, (that is a gross word written over and and over again btw) and that's when he said I was being a hypocrite in that moment and I'm not entirely sure why, but something about that it's fine for me to call him out on something but he can't challenge me? I don't even know.

precaryous, I asked him once what kind of therapy he does and he said "good question" and never gave me a direct answer because he doesn't define it as anything particular. Gestalt sounds a bit like his approach, though.

Gads, your therapist sounds like a lot of work! I sometimes tell my therapist that something doesn't help - he just generally backs off, and is curious about why it bothers me, so we talk about it. He doesn't want to be unhelpful.

Therapy is different than your usual life - you are supposed to be able to talk about all these things. It sounds like he gives you no space to express yourself and explore what's going on.

What are his degrees? Is he a Ph.D.? Social Worker? M.D.? Marriage and Family Counselor? I almost want to ask if you know whether he has an active license....

He has a Ph.D., been doing private therapy for 20 years :-\

My T is very honest with me. I wouldn't categorize as brutal, but it has hurt. We have had many "misunderstandings". She "forgot" to be kind while saying the truth. Now she's a lot better at it. She now listens to what I'm saying.

I asked her to be honest with me when I first met her. I didn't/don't want another surprise termination. I will always value the truth though.

My t is very honest. Sometimes reality hurts. She doesn't go about it in a mean way though. She's just firm and always gets her point across. I don't mind it

Mine is very honest too, and can be very direct but that's fine with me, it's a measure of how secure our relationship is and I'm a as direct as she is.

My therapist has been honest...without being victim-blaming or shaming me.

She has never, never blamed me for staying in my abusive parental home -- partly because we're the same kind of East Asian culture and she gets the feelings about filial piety and family loyalty.

Somehow what your therapist said about you not leaving a bad situation sounds rather...unkind and unaware of learned helplessness and Stockholm syndrome.

She doesn't use 'brutality'.

My T shares some hard truths with me, but usually in a very caring way. Once or twice he has been more brutally honest than I could handle, and I was very hurt, and he was apologetic.

Thanks for the example. I have been much ruder to my therapist, but she doesn't react anything like yours does. I asked her once if her confusion was fake therapist confusion or genuine. She said it was genuine. I believed her, and that was that. I imagine yours would have turned my question into a capital offense.

Are you getting something out of this relationship that's positive? Or is it a repeat of old dynamics, only without the benefit of a mature adult therapist to help me navigate my way out of it? That's what I would ask myself.